Need advice about a guy (weight-related) - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

napalmtree · 11-09-2011, 11:05 AM

I was looking forward to my week off of work...but now I'm dreading it.

I don't want to make this a long-winded story, because it really is, so I'll try to summarize as best as possible. It's still long. Basically, I met someone online about two years ago and friendship has become something more. He's coming here soon, and staying for a week.

He's seen pictures of me, but I'm pretty darn good at the 'fat girl angle shot' if I say so myself, and so I don't think he truly -realizes- how big I am. We've also talked on webcam quite a bit, but because I'm so short, the camera doesn't show much above my chest. Sorry for the blacked out faces on the last picture; I was posting it on a notorious forum website asking for 'weight loss progress pics,' and didn't want my face seen.

Well, I had a sneaking suspicion I'd be meeting him one day, so I got serious about weight loss in January. I figured I'd be a decent size by June, when we had tentative plans to go to Vegas for his 21st birthday. Well, those plans fell through, and thank God...because I only managed to get down to 170!

Then, in mid-July we finally talked about our feelings for each other, and made plans for him to come out here for Thanksgiving. I figured I had enough time by Thanksgiving to kick it into higher gear and drop enough weight.

Once again, no such luck. I stuck to my diet and exercise, and switched up my exercise so my body wouldn't get too comfy. The weight loss crawled at a snails pace, and then I plateaued at the beginning of October.

I finally told him everything in a recent email, except I left out exactly how much I weigh. I just stated I'm at the 'high end of my healthy weight range,' which is kind of a lie by 8ibs, but I just couldn't bare to tell him I'm overweight. x_x I just basically said I gained a bunch of weight, and then began losing in January, and wasn't at my goal now. That I was chubby, and look chubby, and knew he'd find me chubby.

He says he doesn't care, that he loves me for me, and that 'even if you're right and you are chubby, you're still you, and that's amazing.' Which is sweet and everything, but...I have such a hard time believing it.

Mostly because of this story he told me once about how this 'fat girl' was stalking him in high school. He seemed very fixated on the fact that she was fat. And when I said in the letter that, 'I know you don't like fat chicks, but I'm chubby, and I know you'll think I'm chubby,' he never refuted that he hates fat chicks.

My greatest fear is that he gets here, and he's disgusted by me, but he has to pretend not to be for a whole week since he's stuck here. This is especially depressing because I really do love him, and I'm positive he loves me. We get along well on every level, have so much in common, enjoy the same things, and really appreciate each other's personalities.

...but you can love someone and still find them completely and utterly unattractive, and that's kind of a relationship killer.

What do I do? How can I be comfortable around him? How do I know if he really does like me for me, or isn't just acting because he's stuck with me for a week?

lissvarna · 11-09-2011, 11:24 AM

Did you mention how he referred to the girl who was "stalking" him as fat? I think you should. I'd be like, "I remember when you talked about a girl that way, and it makes me nervous that you'll think of me as fat." I think you should be as specific as possible about why you're worried about it.

BTW, I think you look great, angle or no angle! Haha

Arianwen · 11-09-2011, 11:28 AM

I find it highly improbable he has a completely perfect body, himself? No one is perfect, if he is going to freak out about a few extra pounds (that you are working hard to shed) then he's a trifle too superficial, IMO.

rachaelm · 11-09-2011, 11:31 AM

I really think you're stressing over nothing. He's seen you in pictures. (I can't see pics at work) And you've lost 60 pounds since then.

If he doesn't think you're beautiful, inside and out, he is wrong.

SHRINKMYBUTT · 11-09-2011, 11:33 AM

Okay, first of all, 140 is NOT fat. I found a thread on here that recommended a website called mybodygallery.com. I REALLY suggest you check it out. It shows REAL pictures of girls who have the same height, weight and body shape as you do. I think this would be good for you because I have the sneaking suspicion that you have a bit of dysmorphia, and that you don't actually look how you think you do. I have this too, and so do SOOO many girls, especially ones who have lost lots of weight. It's that "fat girl" feeling that we can't seem to shake, even when we are no longer fat.
I think the whole guy situation is not something you should stress about. Have faith in the fact that you have a strong personal relationship already- and that it was strong WAY before there was ANY physical aspect at all. So many relationships fail because the physical part comes first, and while that may be great, the two people eventually realize that they are not compatible in any other way! You've already got the strongest part!
My advice to you is to try to get past how you feel about yourself even if it's just temporary. If you can't love you and the body you've worked so hard to achieve, how can you expect him to be okay with it? If you are, he will be, too. And trust me, men don't see our flaws like we do. He WILL think you're attractive.
Let me know how it all pans out....

bargoo · 11-09-2011, 11:33 AM

Are you telling us that at 5'1" you weigh 140 ? While that may be a little bit overweight I don't think it will make him run, screamng in horror !
Relax, you have given him the truth and he doesn't seem worried about it.
If this much extra weight repels him, then he is not the guy for you.I doubt that it will.

170starting · 11-09-2011, 11:38 AM

you look.... tiny... to me... *scratching head in confusion*

napalmtree · 11-09-2011, 11:40 AM

I actually did mention it, Liss, and he said, 'it wasn't that she was fat, it's that she was creepy. The fat part just happened to be what she was, besides a stalker.' But I don't know. I don't want to press the issue because I don't want him to think I'm crazy, but his answer doesn't set my mind at ease.

I've never been good at waiting and seeing how things go, so maybe I'm making more of this than there needs to be, but I really love him and I'll be absolutely devastated if things don't work out because of my weight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachaelm

I really think you're stressing over nothing. He's seen you in pictures. (I can't see pics at work) And you've lost 60 pounds since then.

If he doesn't think you're beautiful, inside and out, he is wrong.

He's seen me in pictures from the waist up. lol And as I said, I'm good at the angle shot. For example, I weighed 170-ish in this one. Er, and that's my old uniform from before I became a manger. I work at a themed hotel. >_>

I know you're right. It's just that even though he now knows my 'secret,' I still feel like I've been deceiving him. It's not like I've sent him pictures where I've looked bad. I feel like he's probably thinking, 'she's just insecure,' and he's dismissing me telling him I'm chubby as a typical girl worried about her weight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SHRINKMYBUTT

Have faith in the fact that you have a strong personal relationship already- and that it was strong WAY before there was ANY physical aspect at all. So many relationships fail because the physical part comes first, and while that may be great, the two people eventually realize that they are not compatible in any other way! You've already got the strongest part!
My advice to you is to try to get past how you feel about yourself even if it's just temporary. If you can't love you and the body you've worked so hard to achieve, how can you expect him to be okay with it? If you are, he will be, too. And trust me, men don't see our flaws like we do. He WILL think you're attractive.
Let me know how it all pans out....

Thank you. That's actually really encouraging. You're right. I've been thinking the same thing, that we have a great emotional thing going, so it'll make him overlook my flaws. I think the internet is just killing my self-confidence, because when you go on certain anonymous and male-dominated message boards, where you have guys whining about how a 'fat girl' 'deceived' them by making him fall in love with her, before knowing what she 'really' looked like...you get a little paranoid.

He's a good guy. A great guy. I hope you and everyone else here is right.

lissvarna · 11-09-2011, 11:46 AM

Even though you probably think you look a lot bigger than you do, I understand the anxiety. Also, with so much build up to something you're bound to have high expectations and be nervous. Like someone else said, I doubt he has a perfect body, right?

It does bug me that he even referred to someone as "fat", but if he's a good guy all around, your weight def wont matter.

MariaMaria · 11-09-2011, 11:53 AM

Worry about whether YOU'LL think HE'S all that. Attraction goes both ways. It's not just about whether you're good enough.

sontaikle · 11-09-2011, 11:57 AM

Even the most wonderful men do stupid things, just as even the most wonderful women do stupid things.

Trust me, my fiancee is a wonderful man and yet would have probably told such a story and I probably would have yelled at him for it. However I am in a long-term relationship so I can do that

If he told you that story, he doesn't think you're fat. He probably wouldn't have told you if he thought you were fat because he would have been afraid of hurting your feelings (or he would have left out the part about her being "fat"). While not the best show of his character, it shows you that he doesn't think you're fat at all.

Also, you look fine. Stop stressing

Expunge · 11-09-2011, 12:37 PM

First of all, For the Horde! Rawr!

Second of all - you look great!

Third of all, if he says he doesn't care - he doesn't care. Most guys are pretty blunt in that if they do care, when you 'fess up they'll just go ahead and take their leave rather than trying to keep things going in some sick sort of game. You look hot, you are hot, and he'll think you're hot. So stop worrying. :P

Sinoia · 11-09-2011, 01:38 PM

I think some people simply use fat to describe someone because it is a body feature of note, not meaning to be derogatory.

I am fat (actually obese) and sometimes, if I want to point someone out to my partner when we are in a crowd, I will say `that fat woman'. It is like saying `blonde girl' or `that short woman` - not meant in a bad way just those things stand out more. It is decidedly harder to point out `that creepy person' =)

You are going to have to trust him. It has got to the stage where you guys are so into each other you are taking a big step meeting up and he is likely to be as nervous of you and worried about something or other about himself. It is so easy to play up our fears and anxieties when we are anxious and perhaps if you allowed yourself to take a step back you will see you are a beautiful, slim girl about to meet a guy who is a little nuts about you.

Please take time out to really feel excited anticipation, you are about to meet a guy who really shines out for you. It is a wonderful thing and if you cloud it with future fears you lose precious moments and memories.

Just to reassure you, I met my partner online in 1997 and here we are, devoted and committed.

Don't be so hard on yourself, or him! =)

EagleRiverDee · 11-09-2011, 02:57 PM

I think you look great, and since the camera usually ADDS pounds, you probably look double great in person.

But- if this guy turns out to not be as wonderful as he sounds, and he does have an issue with your weight, then he's too shallow to deserve you anyway. It sounds to me like he's a pretty nice guy, though.

luckyme0510 · 11-09-2011, 03:25 PM

I'm about your same height and I thought I looked pretty darn good at 140lbs.... and as I was thinking that when I was reading your post and I looked at your picture... I think you look pretty darn good at 140lbs as well!lol. I've seen a lot of post on here about how people still feel like a "fat girl" on the inside even after losing weight. Maybe that is the case with you.

If he doesn't like you because you're "chubby" then maybe you are better off without him. Just be yourself... and little tip (hope I'm not overstepping) but just don't talk about your weight the whole time you guys are together because that could be a turn off even if your appearance isn't. Just have fun! Good luck!