Firstly, I would also caution against discussing past relationships and romantic experience or lack thereof during the pre-dating and early-dating phase of a relationship. Some people find it weird or even kind of creepy.

"Nothing serious," is a better response to a direct question, than delving into details.


As for making the first mov: Whether you do the asking or not, chances are you'll have to make the first move.

Dating research shows that men actually don't generally make the first move. Most men will only approach a woman who has already shown interest in him through flirting and eye contact, and in fact the few men who do approach women who haven't shown interest first - are much more likely to get rejected (because they lack the social finesse to realize that the woman is "really" supposed to be the one making the first move).


So while we believe we have a cultural expectation for the man to make the first move, the "real" social rule is for the woman to make the first move (but it's generally assumed the woman's first move will be a nonverbal one).

I'm not saying this to say you can't ask someone out. Personally, I've had more success with bending and breaking the social expectations. Of course, the fact that I tended to be attracted to shyer guys, meant I often had to make the first move - or the relationship never would have moved.

I highly recommend reading a few self-help dating books. You can't believe everything you read, but the books give some great tips on how to attract male attention in a positive way.

I also recommend the dating sites - especially placing an ad. If you respond to an ad, you're "competing" and that's ok, but your odds of feeling successful are lower (also there's also that social expectation for the woman to make the first move - placing the ad is the first move, and then it's the guys' turns). Don't just write about who you are, write about who you want. Most people make the mistake of making their first personal ad so generic that it doesn't say anything about them or the person they're interested in.

I learned from the romantic advice books that the generic "SWF, looking for SWM, for romantic walks on the beach..." is written to appeal to the most people, actually gets the fewest responses. Being specific about the characteristics that you want actually gets you more (and even more importantly better) responses.

In the ad I wrote that attracted my husband, I put my physical attributes out there as bluntly as possible. Listing not only my height, eye color, and age - but my weight as well. Although I made a joke about it saying that my weight and hair color were subject to change without notice, and that I was currenlty dieting - and looking for a man in the same situation or who could be sympathetic to it (because I wanted to make it clear that I didn't want a guy who was only attracted to very overweight women).

I also described my ideal man. For me, looks weren't all that important so I listed the personality traits I was interested in, such as a sense of humor - but everyone thinks they have a sense of humor, so I was more specific. I don't remember how I worded it, but I listed a few of my favorite music genres and authors and said something about someone who shared my slightly off-kilter or warped sense of humor, and someone interested in a "slow-moving" but long-term relationship. I also gave an age range I was hoping for 30 - 50. I was 34 at the time. Many of the responders completely ignored what I was looking for (or thought they fit the bill). The age range of responders was 19 to 75. And a few who wanted a no-strings, sex-only relationship (even though I made it clear in the ad - that's not what I wanted).

I think some of the guys ignored what I had said I wanted, because they were a bit stupid. Or maybe, they, liked my ad and thought "I may not be her type, but maybe she'll change her mind when she meets me, so it's worth a shot," but I also think that some of them were hoping that I was desperate enough to give up what I wanted just to have someone - anyone.


I almost didn't meet my husband, because I didn't think we had much in common, but I decided to take a chance. He was very loud, boisterous, and confident on the phone, and in person he was very shy. Our first few dates were very weird - because we'd have great long talks on the phone or through email, and when we got together in person, we had nothing to say (then we'd get home from the date, and talk on the phone for 3 hours - It was almost like a different man).


Above all, I think finding someone special is about being willing to face rejection - not just once, but dozens of times. We may think that rejection is easier for people who are younger, prettier, wealthier, thinner, more outgoing... but the truth is rejection isn't fun for anyone.

hey, the only way to get experience is to jump in, which you did. I actually think you should feel super thrilled about that. The more important thing is what you decide to do with the "turn down." It's one of those things that's easier said than done, but the more you can shrug it off and move on to the next step, the easier it will be. You can mull over "why didn't he" for ages (something I've done, more than once, ha).

Another poster mentioned your line about avoiding your friends. That's a great place to build your confidence level. Build your friendships, then, imho, the emotional support you get from that will give you a big boost on the romance front.

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, but good for you for asking him out. I've always been happy to ask people out/make the first move, and I find the idea of sitting back and waiting for men to get on with it sexist and ludicrous. (And also not much use when the other person happens to be female too.)

Don't worry about the lack of dating experience. A clean slate can be a good thing in many respects. Lots of people bring the good things they've learned from previous relationships, but lots of people (possibly more) bring all the bad things they've learned. You haven't got into bad patterns, and you're more grown-up now. I think a lot of the bad patterns people get into with relationships can be when they start young and are too immature to handle a lot of relationship stuff, whereas patience and ability to compromise are very much things that people tend to learn as they get older. I'm my partner's first serious partner (I'd say "girlfriend", but he's bi too) and also five years older than him, and this made me pause for thought for, oh, maybe an hour or so. Then I went back to where we'd met and asked him out to coffee. I'd had a few relationships before him, the longest being half a year, but to be honest, the vast majority of what we've learned about relationships, we've learned together. Plenty of 30 year olds haven't been in serious relationships and will also have to learn it on the job.

This is what I meant!! I'm not archaic or sexist, contrary to what some you might think. According to Kaplods, you could say I DID make the first move. I placed an add in the newspaper (the internet wasn't a big thing 14 years ago). It was free to place an add, but you had to pay to call a number and leave a message for the person you were interested in. I tried calling a few of the guys that had placed an add. That bombed spectacularly. None of the men I called even wanted to meet me. So I waited. After a couple of months, I had a few messages, and eventually I returned my future husband's call. I, like Kaplods, did not think we had much in common. I called him anyway because we both just graduated from the same university and we were the same age. I had no expectations, but we hit it off immediately, and long story short, two years later we were married.

The few times I have told someone I was interested in them did not work. I'm not saying it can't work, but it never felt right to me. The times that I flirted, made eye contact, and showed interest without coming right out and saying I was interested worked much better than just asking him out. If he was interested, too, then he always asked me out. If he wasn't interested, then I didn't have time for him, either.

Of course, you are welcome to do what you like. I'm just trying to help you out.

I'm kind of thinking this guy is gay and he likes having you as his "friend". I don't know, but I have fallen for a few gay guys in my life...He sounds like a guy I once knew. :)

One of my very very very good friends is a male and I am highly attracted to him and he is very much sexually attracted to me. However there have been lines in the sand made because we did talk about it. That was an important first step, speaking up for yourself. A great friend like that guy (or my guy) can have spectacular results for you. Not only will you be more confident, you will be comfortable and a little male attention is always good for stroking the ego. Ego is not a bad thing, only when it's overgrown.

My friend makes me want to lose weight, makes me want to be smaller, thinner and the hot friend. We have so much chemistry, so much in common people see us on the street or hanging out together and ask if we are married. It jsut oozes from us, but no we are just friends. But it's great for my ego, great for my confidence, my friend goes more for the smaller, thinner hotter girls so it makes me feel great to know A) He is attracted to me and B) people think I am his type.

Bask in the glow of your confidence and courage to make your feelings known. Those feelings will breed, you will get thiiner, hotter and more guys will approach and he will think "Oh **** what did I do? I blew it!"

kaplods, that's so interesting about making the first move. My last boyfriend was so proud of himself that he "made the first move" and I never pointed out that I'd been flirting outrageously for a month before he finally got a clue. :)

oh, and Kristin, don't worry too much about not having relationship experience. I was similar to you at age 25 and finally found a nice guy and my lack of dating experience was really no problem at all. And then after him I had dating experience so then it was *really* no problem.

You've been given so much good advice that I agree with too. Your lack of experience would not be a problem for MOST men. I have heard only a few guys say things like "You're the marrying kind, and I'm not ready to settle down yet". YA -- OK, whatever ... time to move on.

When I was in my early 20's, one of my brothers told me that if a guy is really interested in you, that he will let you know some how, some way -- by flirting, compliments, through a friend or relative, etc. That helped me a lot.

You have to remember that if someone is not interested, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you -- more than likely, it is their issue (as stated above). I had lots of male friends that I would not date, simply becuz I knew so much about them from watching them with their girlfriends. You can learn a lot from male friends.;)

There are lots of single guys out there yet; just keep going out with your friends and enjoy yourself. Mr. Right will show up at the right time ... :hug:

Don't give up on dating!

I had only had one relationship in my teens which was a big mistake. And then nothing after that. I had (still have) social anxiety and I thought I would never have a meaningful romantic relationship. I figured I would try online dating and plunged for eharmony. I met the man who would become my husband on there. At the time I was 21 and he was 22. I mean, I thought when I signed up that it would take me years to develop a relationship and get married. But I found him and we connected. He had never been in a relationship either, never kissed or anything. I was his first everything and while it did put some pressure on me, it wasn't like I was that experienced either (like I said, only one teeny-bopper boyfriend years before). We got married this year. Personally, I think the good thing about online dating, especially if you're long distance like I was, is that you are required to talk about lots of stuff because that's all you have basically until you can visit regularly or move. So early in our "courting" we put everything on the table and told each other everything. Kind of the opposite of traditional dating.

You just have to remember that there are guys out there who won't care about your relationship experience and it might make them love you even more. Who knows? You might even find a guy who is in the same boat you are! You could find a guy that has never been in a relationship and is just as scared as you are. There are endless possibilities, so please don't let this one experience demolish your hope.

Stay strong!

This is good advice. I, too, once did the online dating thing. I found that my most successful ads were the bluntest ones. I would flat out say what I wanted...and what I didn't. For example, "no drug users, smokers, heavy drinkers". Some people hesitate to say something like that because it limits their dating pool...but if you KNOW there is a type you won't want to date anyway, weed it out first.

I also agree that being very up front about your physical appearance is a good idea. I always put a recent picture, also. Some guys think I'm cute, some guys think I'm ugly. I'd rather that the ones who really didn't find me attractive just didn't respond, than that they did and then the minute they saw my picture they ran. LOL. So I put the picture up there, so they could see right up front.