Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's a difference between "chubby chaser" -- as I understand it, a person who fetishizes fat/a larger figure -- and a person who simply has a physical preference for larger women. I welcome overtures who appreciate my curves, among my other qualities, but I don't want to be hit on simply because I'm the biggest girl some guy spots at the bar.
Agreed. It's a sexual fetish, and they don't care about the person inside. It can get quite detailed and very abusive, and much too graphic to describe here. But there is no love, no normal attraction. It's definitely not the same thing as a man loving your curves.
Liliesinmycereal, my way of dealing with it, would be to dump him. Think of all the weight you'd lose...instantly!!!
Exactly.
If someone truly loves you, they want the world to know you are with them, and them only. It sounds like he just wants you to believe he loves you, so when it is convenient for him, you can be his "girl" He wants you to be his dirty little secret.
Now, with this being said, I do think we should all take the effort to better ourselves. Do not completely live on the fact "better or worse" because if you do break up, what is the first thing you do? Lose weight. It is one thing to want your partner to be healthy, another to want them to fit into "society's plan." Dump the guy, he is just using you.
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??
My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??
My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.
This is completely dead on. I know that I could be considered "shallow" for some of my preferences. Do I need a Brad Pitt? No. I do however, need to be with a man who does turn me on physically as much as emotionally.
Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??
My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.
Yup yup yup. The majority of people are attracted to a "healthy" size/figure for a reason. We're animals!
I guess I wasn't very heavy when I met my husband, but I was chubby. (around 195). He was 155. he's 6'1". I'm not.
He is tall, dark and handsome with an accent. He's well educated. Has a great sense of humor. Is loyal, kind, and fun. I still don't know how in the **** I got him or what he found in me. We've been together for 18 years. Married for 17 and a half.
With him I've been as high as 275 pounds. I never doubted his love for me, but I also knew he didn't like the weight. One, it's not attractive, but more importantly, it's not healthy and I wasn't healthy and that worried him about our future. And when I got to thinking about it, I wouldn't want a fat husband with a big beer belly, so why would he want a wife who wears a size 20? I actually was in awe that he didn't dump me for someone cuter/thinner/fitter. Or at least have a fling because I sure as **** wasn't taking care of myself and being a good partner in that respect.
But, he loved me and just tried to support me. I don't think he ever understood why I gained and I couldn't explain it as it's not simple, is it? But the reality is. He's here for me and he loves me thick or thin, but he is definitely happier that he is getting a thinner and fitter wife now and I want to be able to be that for him too. He deserves that!
Everyone has to deal with the fact that there is a subset of the population to whom they are just plain not attractive. Everyone. No exceptions. Some people are going to have to deal with a larger subset of people who look at them and say, "Ehhh, not my type." Other people have only a few people who would in fact kick 'em out of bed for eating crackers.
It'd be disingenuous to suggest that people who are outside of any physical norm--weight, height, symmetry, complement of senses--don't have to deal with a larger subset of the population who wouldn't find them attractive. The pool of available candidates is a lot deeper than anyone suspects, though.
Back in the days when I dated, I dated guys who ranged from about 125 pounds to about 300, so I have few preconceived notions about what size and shape is "sexy"; to me, a lot of bodies are, depending on who inhabits that body. There are undoubtedly a lot of other people like me--people who get that "zing!" sensation of attraction from someone's turn of phrase while speaking, from a laugh, from a smile, from a scent, and not from a particular body type or hair color.
I don't like the concept that anyone "settles." I mean, sure, I know folks do that, but I'm convinced that a whole lot of what looks like "settling" to the outside world is actually an equal and desirable relationship for both partners, each of whom has a broader and deeper standard of physical attraction than just appearance. I never felt like I settled, and I sure never felt like anyone settled for me; they sure never treated me as though they felt they were settling.
I'm married to a guy who looks like Jon Hamm with brown eyes, salt-and-pepper hair, and a beard. Super-hot. But I never went out with anyone whom I didn't feel was hot, and I think that's the key. You don't have to "settle" for guys you don't find at all attractive, but sometimes looking for the attractiveness in all guys will lead you to some great relationships. In my eyes, all my exes were total hotties, and as my eyes are the only ones that matter to me, I have had quite a happy and varied romantic life.
I guess what I'm getting at is that you don't have to abandon your standards, but standards can change without it meaning that you're "settling." I'm happy I had the experience of being with such different people. If I'd only stuck to the guys I considered "my type," I would've missed out on a lot of fun times.
Berryblondeboys...where did you meet this man?? Wherever it is...I need to go there
LOL we met when we were both students when there wasn't even a WWW yet. But it was online, but we were just friends to start out with (shortly). I was afraid to send my photo (had to do it snail mail back then - internet wasn't capable of that).
I was looking to see if I could find any photos of my DH, and I typed in his name on google and this was the first thing that popped up. It's a pretty good photo, just a couple years old.
Berryblondeboys--he's good-looking, but you and he have about the same "cute quotient" because you are too. It's funny how things look to ourselves versus how we look to others, because I would say the two of you look perfect with one another--two good-looking people looking good together.
I'm really curious to see if anyone understands my feelings on this..........
So, i'm not a shallow person........i think when finding a bf or gf, people need to not only consider looks, but personality!
But i also think anyone who says looks doesn't matter, is lying to themselves.
Sure, some people could careless if their partner looks like the giant troll from Bridge to Terabithia, but most people care, to some degree, what their partner looks like.
And i feel like, overweight or obese WOMEN, are told by society that they have no choice, and that they must always settle...........but i refuse to settle! I think it's un-fair for me to change the type of guys i'm attracted to, simply because i'm fat. So i guess that's a huge part of why i'm still single................i don't want just chubby chasers or guys who are settling, to ask me out....and so far, that's all it seems to be. Yes i know, you're all wondering "well how do you know?" or "did you give them a chance?" - it's quite obvious when a chubby chaser comes up to you and is like "oh i like thick women!" or some weird sh*t like that............only one guy, who i was attracted to physically, has ever approached me for a date - and go figure, when we went on a the date, i ended up not liking his PERSONALITY! Hahahaha.
But ANYWAYS, do i want some super buff guy whose ripped like crazy and model-gorgeous? NOOOOOOOOOOo! Ew! that's not even my type AT ALL! But i feel like i can't even have a preference......and like, fat guys are aloud to walk around thinking they're "big sexy" and then ON A HIGHER AVERAGE THAN FAT WOMEN, pick up skinny pretty mates - and not be told they're not good enough for that mate.
While fat chicks, GENERALLY[NOT ALWAYS], are made to feel they have no right to reach for the skinnier guys they're attracted to..............and ON AVERAGE, you rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys..........if they're skinny, they're ugly buck-tooth dudes.
And again, I'M NOT SHALLOW! I'M SIMPLY CHOOSING TO FOCUS ON LOOKS HERE FOR A MOMENTTTTT.
I just think it's highly un-fair, that fat women are basically told to settle - AND THEY DO! Wtf...........i don't want to settle! I want to be attractive to who i'm with physically, as WELL as to their personality!!!!!
And no, i'm not saying things are a walk in the park for obese guys, but MAN, it is MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE AND EASY for them to find a half-decent looking mate, then it is for fat chicks.............sucks!
You will find "the one" when you least expect it...on a day when you're not even looking! Hang in there, and heck no, NEVER SETTLE!!
Berryblondeboys--he's good-looking, but you and he have about the same "cute quotient" because you are too. It's funny how things look to ourselves versus how we look to others, because I would say the two of you look perfect with one another--two good-looking people looking good together.
Wow, thanks! it would be nice if we could feel that way about yourselves more often. Of course, I think I have the most beautiful children in the world, but doesn't every parent? LOL
