I, for one, have never been skinny. Always thick and curvy. All of my exes have been smaller than me (some really skinny) but all have been attractive. I've always been self-conscious about myself but never did I feel the need to settle. I knew I had the personality to get them hooked and if that didn't work, f*** 'em.
It's hard to be a big person - female or male. We are looked at in a different light from the rest of the world and it's hard to find a partner who is genuine and loves you for you.. weight and all. My boyfriend now is two inches shorter than me and about 65 pounds lighter than myself. Although I can't help but sometimes feel awkward about our difference but honestly, he makes me feel so good about myself that I hardly even think about it.
I'm losing weight for me, myself and I. I want to be healthier and feel better but also I want to be able to live a long time with someone who loves me so dearly.
We all hold the right to be picky. Just don't become nit-picky.
Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!
I certainly hope this doesn't come across as how it might sound... the internets and lack of tone and all... so I apologize in advance if this comes across as ...I dunno... something. But, reading through your post I thought this:
Not liking a ken doll is a standard, too. You like rocker guys. Ain't nothing wrong with it. But, it still falls under a standard or a want/need.
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And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!
To me it sounded more like the conversation was just progressing naturally. Some people might hear the word "chubby chaser" and think two different things. One might think a person who just likes bigger women, and the other might think it borders on the fetish side. (As was pointed out.)
Is it semantics? Maybe, but there are often tangents that run along through posts. Nothing personal to be taken from them.
You started an interesting discussion. Not everyone may be replying directly to only the thoughts as you first stated them, but to thoughts of others as people began to reply.
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I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.
It's more than a few women who've found gentlemen who they like and who like them back. Even just scanning through 3FC there are a TON of married women or women in committed relationships. I almost don't think it's luck, I just think it's a matter of time, and effort.
It's great to have standards and stick to them. Everyone should.
I agree that society encourages people to act in accordance with stereotypes, but I don't agree that it forces us too. We all have a right to fit a stereotype or to defy it.
No one is arranging marriages, forcing fat chicks or anyone to date and marry fat or ugly guys.
Very often, the biggest obstacle we have isn't society's expectations of us, it's our own expectations.
My hubby still doesn't understand why I wanted him, because I made more money, had more education, had a more prestigious job. He was younger, hung with a less educated crowd...
It wasn't society's standards, or even hubby's standards regarding what a fat woman like me should expect that allowed me to choose him. I was accountable only to my own standards, and while they weren't what society usually expects any woman (fat or not) to want, my husband had the traits I was looking for. My standards were damned high, they just weren't the standards that people expected me to have.
You get to pick your standards, not everyone else (I think everyone else was just discussing the general topic, and sharing their own standards - call it semantics but I think it was just conversation).
Sure it's hard to find someone when you're in a minority (any kind of minority) that isn't considered especially attractive by the mainstream. It just means that you may have to search outside the mainstream. And if you're looking for someone in another minority or cluster of minorities, that's going to make it harder too.
But really, that's where personal ads come in handy, because if you're looking for a specific type you can find it in a personal ad, or write your own personal ad to find what you're looking for.
The main reason I placed the personal ad that hooked me up with my husband, was because I wasn't finding what I was looking for, and I knew that the odds of finding the guy I wanted, who also wanted me wasn't going to happen randomly. I had to go looking for the guys, looking for me.
Unlike my thin, prettier friends who had placed personal ads, I didn't want to cast the net wide and hope to have a huge haul of men to pick from. You know the kind of ads these people (men and women) place. They describe themselves and the partner they want so generically, that 90% of the population fits the bill. And who really likes walks in the rain, anyway?
Nope, I was specific and demanding. I gave my real weight, age, height, eye, and hair color (and all the colors it might be as the mood strikes). I mentioned that I was currently dieting and looking for someone who was in the same situation (to show that I didn't rule out fat guys on principle) or sympathetic to it. Someone who could accept me at 350 - 150 and anywhere in between (because I didn't want a guy who had such a narrow view of attractiveness that he'd leave if I reached a normal weight - no different than a thin girl having a right to make sure she's not dating someone who will leave if she gains 10 lbs or gets a gray hair). I made the ad funny (to my sense of humor) so that it would weed out people without a quirky sense of humor. I gave the age range of who I would most be interested in, and height preference too. I made it clear I wanted a slow-moving, committed relationship, not just booty calls. I listed my preferences in music, books, and movies, and my interest in ethnic cuisine and traveling, the fact that I didn't like hanging out in bars as I wasn't much of a drinker... all the things I wanted, expected, and could offer.
Now some guys responded who didn't fit some or any of my listed preferences. I only responded to the ones I found interesting. None of them met all of my preferences, but I didn't respond to anyone who didn't fit at least 75%. Some guys sounded interesting in their reply, but after a few phone conversations, I said "thanks but no thanks" because they weren't what I was looking for.
I didn't respond to the 19 year old black college student with dreadlocks (he sounded nice, and I'm ok with inter-racial dating, but the 16 year age difference, not so much).
I didn't respond to the trucker who wanted a no-strings, sex-only relationship (the idiot didn't understand why I didn't respond to his reply, and left several voice mail messages - each time reinforcing the message that he wanted a free prostitute).
I didn't respond to the 70 year old, bald, toothless, recovering alcoholic (and ironically, the only things he mentioned about himself in the voicemail was that he was 70, bald, toothless, couldn't afford dentures, and was a recovering alcoholic. He didn't mention one positive thing about himself or why I should be interested).
I met one guy who looked and seemed great - everything I was looking for. He was a little heavy, but looked like a sterotypical california surfer who had put on a few years and a few pounds. He was extremely tall and gorgeous, except for a little extra weight, but it was all so proportional, most women would have considered him hot. He was deeply tan (at a time of year, that meant it was from a tanning booth - so minus one point for vanity), pale blond hair, gorgeous blue eyes. The date went absolutely fabulously, and I was very much impressed. The only negative during the date, was that he seemed a little too good to be true. I suspected (with no real basis for the suspicion other than my gut instincts) that he had exagerated his accomplishments somewhat.
Sure enough, when I checked him out, his story didn't add up. A coworker, who happened to sit next to my cube lived in the same town, so I asked my friend about this guy, and turns out my gut instincts were right. He wasn't a commercial pilot, he had a cropdusting service that went out of business (more exageration, than lie) but also that he was 20 years older than he claimed to be (he did LOOK the age he claimed to be, but major negative points for lying). The age difference and moreso the lying, bothered me enough to turn down a second date with him. He got a little huffy, thinking I had judged him based on his appearance (he was way wrong there, because he definitely did have sex appeal). I didn't want to go into the fact that I had discovered his exagerations, because I didn't want to hear him defend them. I just left it at "no chemistry" and "didn't see a future" because of how different our personalities were (also true enough).
My point is that of course, you can have standards, you can have whatever standards you want to have. They can be based on anything you want them to be based on. People were just sharing their standards and beliefs about how much of their own standards were related to physical attractiveness (and it ran the gamut, from very important to not important at all, but that's no different than all of our other preferences too).
For me, sense of humor (and more importantly getting my sense of humor) was more important than body type. Ability to converse on any topic for hours (and accept my talking for hours) was more important than salary potential. Sharing my interest in science fiction, irish music, ethnic cuisine, and travel documentaries was more important than my preference for clean-shaven appearance (my hubby refuses to go without at least a moustache because it covers a chicken pox scar, he's sensitive about).
Those aren't criteria that most women value to the degree that I do, and they're not qualities our culture values, but our culture doesn't have to live with the man, I do. I chose him based on my very high standards, they're just not the standards most people understand.
You're only accountable to yourself for your preferences. Society may not expect you to have the preferences you have, but you're certainly entitled to them, no matter what anyone else says.
But you also have to consider who is telling you that your standards are inappropriate? They guys you reject? Well, ****'s bell's, that's just sour grapes. All women get that, even the thin, super model types. A woman rejects a guy and he calls her fat or stuck up. He's saying that to make himself feel better, not because it's true.
You may feel that there's social pressure for you to accept guys beneath your standards, but that doesn't make it true. Know what you want, and go out looking for it. You still get to choose, based on any criteria you want to, whether "society" likes it or not
Personally, I highly recommend the personal ad route, because it worked so well for me. It also has the advantage of you putting out there, what you want so you'll get more replies from those kind of guys (and if you're up-front in the ad about your physical and personality attributes, you won't have to deal with guys who reject you because you don't meet their standards).
I am horribly superficial when it comes to men, so much so it almost makes me feel ashamed of myself, I prefer guys with a great face and ripped body, I guess I'm a little chauvinistic(?).
I think that's why I'm 28, never married with no children.
[B][SIZE="2"]Please don't act like all i said was " i don't want to settle for an ugly guy" ! I SAID I HAVE A PREFERENCE!! AND THAT FAT WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CANT HAVE A PREFERENCE!!
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO JUST SETTLE ON WHOEVER I CAN GET BECAUSE I'M FAT......LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST a few people don't care about looks AT ALL and would date a hellboy look a like, and some people love fat people, and some people like amputees, and some like hairy or all-natural people, but EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PREFERENCE and they should be allowed to HAVE IT! And i never said anything about men not having the right to have their own preference in my post!!!!!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED CRAP AND I NEVER SAID A MAN CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO THEIR GF, I JUST SAID THAT SOCIETY TENDS TO MAKE FAT OBESE WOMEN FEEL AS IF THEY CAN HAVE NO PREFERENCE WHILE FAT A** MEN CAN WALK AROUND WANTING & HITTING-ON ONLY SUPER SKINNY GORGEOUS MODELS! [does that apply to all fat men? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Am i saying all fat men don't have body issues like we do?? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm simply stating the DOUBLE STANDARD that SOMEEEEEEEE fat men are allowed to get away with that MOST fat women CAN'T get away with!]
Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!
And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!
I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.
I wasn't attacking you or really even disagreeing with you in my post. I totally agree that larger women SHOULD have a preference to who they date. I guess I was just giving my thoughts as to the double standard that a lot of overweight women have against men. I wasn't necessarily speaking to your post, more the overall topic at hand and trying to put things into perspective. Sorry if it offended you in any way.
Another country heard from so to speak. I am a senior (57 yr old) and have been married almost 39 years. I weighed 185 when Jack and I got married and I am 400 lbs now. He thought I was beautiful and sexy back then and still calls me gorgeous instead of my name most of the time. He does not however find other large women attractive. So in that respect he would not be what others have called a chubby chaser. I have a different perspective because I truly believe God picked this man for me. I will not go into what was involved, let's just say I was given Jack by God and I believe that is one reason our marriage has lasted and we are extremely happy.
Now as for others, first off if the person you are with is ashamed of you, kick the pig to the street. The first time any man said anything to me about needing to lose weight, I would give him a black eye and tell him to hit the road. I do think it is much harder nowadays to find decent men frankly but they are out there. I also believe handing your goodies out like candy is reprehensible and you should treasure your sexuality not pass it around. The old adage getting the milk for free holds true ladies. I think it is ridiculous that nowadays you HAVE to have sex in a relationship that is not marital. That is bologna and I think women and men who engage in premarital sex have no respect for themselves or the person they have sex with. Sorry, you might say I am old fashioned and out of date, but my husband was in the Navy, 23 yr old when I met him but he was a virgin as was I and the fact is, how many of you have had a wonderful relationship with the same man for 39 years, huh????
Giving in just to have a male in your life is wrong. You are better off staying single. There ARE decent men in this world and settling for whatever reason makes you pathetic. Be proud of who you are now, whatever your size might be NOW! Hold you head up and don't be ashamed. Be happy with yourself fat so you can be happy with yourself thin. Above all respect yourself in all things be it sex, relations, jobs, whatever. If you don't have proper respect for yourself you cannot expect anyone else to.
