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Old 06-23-2011, 11:49 PM   #31  
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Wow, thanks! it would be nice if we could feel that way about yourselves more often. Of course, I think I have the most beautiful children in the world, but doesn't every parent? LOL
I definitely think my son is like the cutest thing ever!! Sometimes though, I look back at his newborn pictures and realize I was blinded by love lol

I didn't mean to hijack this post sorry lol
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Old 06-24-2011, 12:01 AM   #32  
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Kimo,
I completely agree. It is not fair. I have gone over this in my head 800 times.
Full women are punished by the world and especially when it comes to dating. Most men prefer women who are average-sized to thin. It is unfair that a man can be 60 pounds overweight and still get a knockout as long as he has a good personality/job. BUT I have come to the conclusion that it is not fair but that is just the way it is. I cannot change the world so I will have to change myself. Now don't get me wrong. I am losing weight for 55 other reasons but I told myself that I would not pity myself anymore...I just have to do something about it. I would probably feel differently if I was comfortable as a fuller woman but I am not. I want to hit my goal and not only to please some man.
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Old 06-24-2011, 12:13 AM   #33  
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I think the reason a lot of women don't like "chubby chasers" (not the obnoxious "I like thick women pick up line guy", but guys in general who like heavier women is that these women aren't happy in their chubby suit so don't want to have guys coming onto them for something they don't like about themselves.

I think the biggest reason a heavier guy can pick up a thinner girl is two fold. One, men are more visual than woman. Guys look at women's bodies to get turned on (Playboy, porn, lingerie). Women read romance novels, set the mood with lighting and smells. These are generalizations, of course, but I think a woman can more easily overlook bodily imperfections than men can and do.

Secondly, many women still want to be provided for. A heavy man with a gut and no hair and bad teeth is more likely to be successful in finding a mate if he earns well. If it's reversed, the woman is heavy, thin hair and bad teeth and also earns well, I don't think it helps her chances because most men aren't looking for financial security. It could even turn some men off!

And overweight men do have a hard time finding a mate too. As do short and skinnier ones for not being seen as 'manly' enough. (Similar to very tall women, but I think it's even worse for short men than for tall women).
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:42 AM   #34  
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Kimo,
I completely agree. It is not fair. I have gone over this in my head 800 times.
Full women are punished by the world and especially when it comes to dating. Most men prefer women who are average-sized to thin. It is unfair that a man can be 60 pounds overweight and still get a knockout as long as he has a good personality/job.
This is not nearly as true as we tend to think it is, especially for people who are very obese. Obese, especially severely obese men 100 lbs or more over weight, actually tend to fare less well in the dating arena than women of the same BMI.

I don't remember the actual statistics, but the numbers were shocking to me, because it doesn't fit the social stereotype. In fact, I thought the research results had to be a fluke, so I went looking for similar research, and surprisingly I found there were a lot of areas in which overweight men do less well than overweight women. Very overweight men tend to experience more and deeper depression than women of the same BMI, and their suicide rates are higher also. Men are more likely than women to leave a spouse for gaining weight, but single obese women faired better socially then single obese men. Short, fat men had it even worse.

Fat women also experience fewer and less severe health complications especially fatal ones, than fat men (until menopause, then the rates start to become similar - the belief is that women's hormones protect us to a greater degree from some of obesity's damage).

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Old 06-24-2011, 02:27 AM   #35  
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Don't settle, EVER.

I grew up thinking I must have been the most hideous girl in the planet. My school was small, and almost every girl in it looked like she could have won a beauty pageant. I thought that was the way the world worked because I lived it. I was "fat" in high school because I was bigger boned and we only had one actual "fat' girl in the entire school. (I'm talking maybe 100 kids).
I went to college never having even been asked for a dance at our pathetic dances or even getting a romantic hug. In college I had no confidence and hid in my room. I thought I would never find a good guy, even a bad guy. I tried in high school, never got a nice let down either. Just a "NO!" sometimes with an added, "FATTY!" or "NERD!" (Forgive me for being an all A student).

I met a guy on a ... *cough* ... video game when I was 20. He was annoying, selfish, but we were "friends" online. One day he asked to meet me. This happens a lot on video games. People say, "OH GIRL! LET'S MEET!" And it never happens. Apparently this guy was serious.

We talked on the phone for a long time before we met. I didn't want to have sex with him or really date him. But he was the first male to ever give me any real attention. We met, I was technically raped, and then I "fell in love" Because even though I was forced to do a sexual act, I didn't want to look at it that way.

Anyway, I stuck with him for a long time. He was annoying, selfish, Obese, really kinda non attractive in every way possible, and I hate to say it... but really dumb. I couldn't have a single actual intelligent conversation with him. The reason I stuck with him, I settled. I thought he was the best I could ever do. I thought this was the only "man" that would ever want me. (He even helped me with this thought by hinting to me that he was all I could get on occasion).

I eventually wised up and ditched him. It still hurt, but I know it's because I settled. I thought that was all I was worth. I know better now. I've dated other guys since and it's amazing the difference when someone treats you right. When someone doesn't say things like, "I just want to LOOK" on the first date and instead understands when it's just going to be a kiss goodnight. I won't ever settle again.

I deserve, as does everyone else, a good man. You can be obese, thin, tall, wide, short, religious, atheist, any race... it doesn't matter you DESERVE someone good. Someone who treats you right. Someone who you have attraction to. Someone you can hold a good conversation with who doesn't LIE to you. There are good men out there that will like a woman for her, not because she falls under an ideal or a fetish, but because he can't stop thinking about her smile and loves every text he gets because he just likes talking with her.

You're not shallow for shopping for that perfect guy. Most of us are looking for marriage, if you can't stand a guy for a night, you can't stomach them for a lifetime. Some men are more attractive once you get to know them, some suddenly look like Dr. Frankenstein's monster once you get to know them. Some times you have to give them a shot, other times you just know it won't work out. (Especially if their pick up line is: "DAMN Girl! I like 'em thick!")
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Old 06-24-2011, 07:47 AM   #36  
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In my humble opinion being fat has so many downsides in so many ways that it is natural not to want that in the person you have sex with and live side by side. Besides the medical issues there are also psychological ones and the many things heavier people just can't do (I know I am generalizing a bit here but you get the picture I hope) in comparisson to someone "normal" weight or slim.
If you have the choice between two women whose ONLY differense is 100 pounds of weight more on one of them... well I think it is reasonable to assume the majority of men and lesbians would choose the slimmer partner.
Thankfully there do not exist such identical women and thus a confident person can find a mate with other charms.
I have a friend who is morbidly obese and the only problem she has with finding boys is herself. She doesn't want them to like fat, she doesn't like to be called "pretty face", she thinks it is sad when people just like her personality... BOTTOMLINE: If you have a problem with yourself and can't at least like what you are do not say it is the partner's fault that their choices do not please you.

It is to be expected to a degree if you are heavier and only average looking that beautiful slim female with tolerable personalities will go first in line. It is still your choice though to be the heavy one and not the slim one.

Imo the best solution is one and we're almost all here doing it: lose weight and attract a man via hard work and hard earned charms, instead of hoping a fly will get caught in the net.
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Old 06-24-2011, 08:21 AM   #37  
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I wasn't fat when I met my husband, though that isn't to say I never had problems with my weight. He has never been actually fat a day in his life-and he loves his fat wife. When we met, I thought he was the cutest guy I had ever seen, and going out in public with me on his arm was the biggest ego boost because I knew I had something special. I still feel that way, even though we both are out of shape (he still isn't fat, but has gained a bit of weight-but skinny still) and are getting into shape. He has loved me at 169 pounds, which I was on our first date, and he loved me at 273 pounds and right now at 234 pounds. Before he married me I was over 200 pounds, and he never stopped loving me, telling me how beautiful I was and generally wanting to spend his life with me. Being big doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy love with someone you're crazy for. He did worry about my weight for the health aspect of it, but has never said I was less beautiful for it. I didn't settle-and you don't have to either. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Just because society in general is not very nice to us bigger ladies doesn't mean we can't be good to ourselves. You have the right to pick and choose what you want out of a relationship, and you will find one too!
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:27 AM   #38  
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With him I've been as high as 275 pounds. I never doubted his love for me, but I also knew he didn't like the weight. One, it's not attractive, but more importantly, it's not healthy and I wasn't healthy and that worried him about our future. And when I got to thinking about it, I wouldn't want a fat husband with a big beer belly, so why would he want a wife who wears a size 20? I actually was in awe that he didn't dump me for someone cuter/thinner/fitter. Or at least have a fling because I sure as **** wasn't taking care of myself and being a good partner in that respect.

But, he loved me and just tried to support me. I don't think he ever understood why I gained and I couldn't explain it as it's not simple, is it? But the reality is. He's here for me and he loves me thick or thin, but he is definitely happier that he is getting a thinner and fitter wife now and I want to be able to be that for him too. He deserves that!
That sounds like my story. I was 117 lbs when I met my husband 6 years ago, I am now 180 lbs. Although I know that prefers me at my healthier weight he has never talked down to me or made me feel like he doesn't love me. Although he never mentioned my weight gain he sounded a little too happy when I told him I was working on losing it.

I don't think men having preferences is any different than a woman having preferences. As much as we shouldn't have to settle for someone we are not attracted to neither should a guy. It doesn't make him a bad person it just means that he is not physically attracted to someone for whatever reason. There is really no reason for anyone to settle and I know some thin people who settle for someone who is not good for them because they have low self esteem
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Old 06-24-2011, 12:13 PM   #39  
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"You rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys."

Maybe, it's just me but when considering a partner, I usually choose someone the same size or heavier than I am. I just wouldn't be comfortable with someone a lot smaller than I am. Id feel awkward and self conscience during certain moments of the relationship.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:50 PM   #40  
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Agreed. It's a sexual fetish, and they don't care about the person inside. It can get quite detailed and very abusive, and much too graphic to describe here. But there is no love, no normal attraction. It's definitely not the same thing as a man loving your curves.
+1
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:11 PM   #41  
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"You rarely see fat chicks with skinny averagely-attractive guys."

Really? I see them a lot. I know many such couples among my friends and family and I see them on the street and at church too. Sometimes I've learned that the woman was thin when they met, but not always. Maybe being fat in the midwest isn't as much of a handicap as in some areas of the country.

However, I also think people ignore the couples that don't match stereotypes and preconceptions. Instead of standing out, they sort of disappear into the woodwork. If a fat girl is with an attractive guy, people assume he's probably her brother (I've been mistaken for the sister too many times to count). Or they make a fuss as if the couple is unusual, "she must have money," or some other dig as to how a mismatched couple got together.

Or if a thin guy is with a fat or othrwise unattractive woman, he's automatically perceived as less attractive. People will find a flaw to explain why he's with her. I've seen that actually happen with friends when I was younger. We'd be in a bar, and they'd be really attracted to a guy, then see he was with a less attractive woman (fatter, older, short and funny looking, didn't matter) and suddenly there'd be something wrong with him (especially if they flirted with him, and he wasn't interested - obviously sour grapes).

People do the same when an attractive woman is married to an unattractive man, they say, "He must have money (or some really course statement about how good he must be in bed)."

Social stereotypes do inhibit mismatched couples. People stare and comment, and it's uncomfortable - but it's just as uncomfortable for the "Darma and Greg" type couples than skinny/fatty couples.
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Old 06-24-2011, 05:05 PM   #42  
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I don't think men having preferences is any different than a woman having preferences.
^^^ Agreed. I don't think women are being "shallow" if they prefer thinner men, but I also don't see men as "shallow" for preferring thinner women.

I don't like "chubby chasers" because my concern is, if I ever become thin, will the guy stop being attracted to me and leave me? Sometimes couples break up because one person gains weight and the other partner is no longer attracted, so it is reasonable to assume that this is a possibility if one of the partners loses weight, if the other partner is attracted to heavier people.

I used to have an open profile on Plenty of Fish and they have this feature where you can add profiles as "favorites". One guy added me and we corresponded a little. His profile stated that he wasn't "shallow like some guys who only like thin women". IMO, he was no less "shallow" than men who prefer thin women. We didn't correspond that long.
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Old 06-24-2011, 11:02 PM   #43  
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I agree with Ashley about the label "chubby chaser". It doesn't make sense that they're labeled for liking bigger girls, but I'm not a chubby chaser and I would only ever date bigger guys unless they really won me over. Why can't a guy like a big girl without being labeled and turned away because he likes their body (but they don't want to be liked for their body because THEY don't like their body) but I can totally like a big guy for his body and not be labeled at all? I dunno, I just hate labels I guess.

I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE NOT LIKING LABELS SO I'M NOT SOME CHICK WHO JUST GOES BY LABELS, This is all silly symantics.....it shouldn't be that hard to FIGURE OUT what i mean by saying CHUBBY-CHASERS INSTEAD OF BEING SUPER DUPER SENSEITIVE ABOUT IT. If a good friend of mine calls me an Anime-Loser, or Video Game Geek, or Animeholic, i'm not going to get offended by the words "HOLIC", "GEEK" OR "LOSER" -- I'LL KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN AND GET OVER IT!!!

and AGAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I PERSONALLY DONT CARE IF SOME GUY WANTS TO LIKE FAT CHICKS, BUT I DON'T WANT SOME GUY COMING UP TO ME JUST BECAUSE I'M FAT AS H*LL!
I HAVE A PERSONALITY, I CAN TALK, I LIKE THINGS, AND I HAVE MY OWN FREAKIN PREFERENCES! IT WOULD BE NICE FOR SOMEONE TO APPROACH ME ON MY PERSONALITY OR WHAT I'M WEARING OR SOMETHING FUN OR DIFFERENT! THAT'S ONLY HAPPENED TO ME ONCE!!!!!!!! ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL other times, the FEW dudes who have approached, have done so because of my weight - made obvious by comments or etc., i'm not just assuming, or because they're horny FREAKS who think i'm easy.






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Honestly, I agree that there is a double standard...but to me the double standard rests with the women. This may sound weird coming from a larger woman who has always had trouble with dating...but to me its wrong to say that a woman should never have to settle for an "ugly" man, then turn around and say that men are shallow for not being attracted to larger women. Why should men have to "settle"? If a man isn't physically attracted to a larger lady, isn't that just as ok as a woman not being physically attracted to a larger man (or w/e the case is)??

My point is...I'm in strong agreement that physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't think anyone should be RUDE or MEAN about someone's physical appearance. However, I just think it's interesting that men are immediately called shallow if they don't want to date an obese woman, while a woman can list off specific body types they won't date and that's totally ok. I just don't get it I guess. I think it's a 2-way street.



Please don't act like all i said was " i don't want to settle for an ugly guy" ! I SAID I HAVE A PREFERENCE!! AND THAT FAT WOMEN SHOULDN'T BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE THEY CANT HAVE A PREFERENCE!!
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO JUST SETTLE ON WHOEVER I CAN GET BECAUSE I'M FAT......LIKE I SAID IN MY ORIGINAL POST a few people don't care about looks AT ALL and would date a hellboy look a like, and some people love fat people, and some people like amputees, and some like hairy or all-natural people, but EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PREFERENCE and they should be allowed to HAVE IT! And i never said anything about men not having the right to have their own preference in my post!!!!!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED CRAP AND I NEVER SAID A MAN CAN'T BE PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO THEIR GF, I JUST SAID THAT SOCIETY TENDS TO MAKE FAT OBESE WOMEN FEEL AS IF THEY CAN HAVE NO PREFERENCE WHILE FAT A** MEN CAN WALK AROUND WANTING & HITTING-ON ONLY SUPER SKINNY GORGEOUS MODELS! [does that apply to all fat men? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Am i saying all fat men don't have body issues like we do?? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm simply stating the DOUBLE STANDARD that SOMEEEEEEEE fat men are allowed to get away with that MOST fat women CAN'T get away with!]


Damn it, i HATEEEE perfectly gorgeous ken-doll men.......brad pitt is NOTTTTTTTTTTT hot to me! ****, i'm attracted to a lot of guys that other chicks would find ugly since i'm personally into a lot of rocker, tatted/pierced-up, super long hair guys and a LOT of girls AREN'T........so don't get on me about only liking hot guys, that's TOTAL BS!!!!!!!









And no matter what you guys might think behind my back, i honestly dont mean to sound like a b*tch, but all this focus on semantics and me having to repeat myself over and over again while the real point of my post is being completely lost is just frustrating to me!

I will most definitely just being the **** alone until i lose weight..........if i can get lucky like a few other women out there, and find a nice guy, who i'm attracted to, and who is attracted to me, then w/e.......but i'm not holding out ope for it.

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Old 06-24-2011, 11:09 PM   #44  
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I think the reason a lot of women don't like "chubby chasers" (not the obnoxious "I like thick women pick up line guy", but guys in general who like heavier women is that these women aren't happy in their chubby suit so don't want to have guys coming onto them for something they don't like about themselves.

I think the biggest reason a heavier guy can pick up a thinner girl is two fold. One, men are more visual than woman. Guys look at women's bodies to get turned on (Playboy, porn, lingerie). Women read romance novels, set the mood with lighting and smells. These are generalizations, of course, but I think a woman can more easily overlook bodily imperfections than men can and do.

Secondly, many women still want to be provided for. A heavy man with a gut and no hair and bad teeth is more likely to be successful in finding a mate if he earns well. If it's reversed, the woman is heavy, thin hair and bad teeth and also earns well, I don't think it helps her chances because most men aren't looking for financial security. It could even turn some men off!

And overweight men do have a hard time finding a mate too. As do short and skinnier ones for not being seen as 'manly' enough. (Similar to very tall women, but I think it's even worse for short men than for tall women).



I Agree!!!

I know part of the reason i hate being approached by "chubby chasers" is because i'm not confident or happy at my own weight and feel ugly.
But i also don't want to be liked simply because of my obesity.....that's odd to me - confident or not. I have a really unique personality, and i like fun goofy things and i really wish we lived in a society where personality counted for something! But it just doesn't seem to in most situations now a days.........pisses me off v_v








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Originally Posted by kurisitaru View Post
Don't settle, EVER.

I grew up thinking I must have been the most hideous girl in the planet. My school was small, and almost every girl in it looked like she could have won a beauty pageant. I thought that was the way the world worked because I lived it. I was "fat" in high school because I was bigger boned and we only had one actual "fat' girl in the entire school. (I'm talking maybe 100 kids).
I went to college never having even been asked for a dance at our pathetic dances or even getting a romantic hug. In college I had no confidence and hid in my room. I thought I would never find a good guy, even a bad guy. I tried in high school, never got a nice let down either. Just a "NO!" sometimes with an added, "FATTY!" or "NERD!" (Forgive me for being an all A student).

I met a guy on a ... *cough* ... video game when I was 20. He was annoying, selfish, but we were "friends" online. One day he asked to meet me. This happens a lot on video games. People say, "OH GIRL! LET'S MEET!" And it never happens. Apparently this guy was serious.

We talked on the phone for a long time before we met. I didn't want to have sex with him or really date him. But he was the first male to ever give me any real attention. We met, I was technically raped, and then I "fell in love" Because even though I was forced to do a sexual act, I didn't want to look at it that way.

Anyway, I stuck with him for a long time. He was annoying, selfish, Obese, really kinda non attractive in every way possible, and I hate to say it... but really dumb. I couldn't have a single actual intelligent conversation with him. The reason I stuck with him, I settled. I thought he was the best I could ever do. I thought this was the only "man" that would ever want me. (He even helped me with this thought by hinting to me that he was all I could get on occasion).

I eventually wised up and ditched him. It still hurt, but I know it's because I settled. I thought that was all I was worth. I know better now. I've dated other guys since and it's amazing the difference when someone treats you right. When someone doesn't say things like, "I just want to LOOK" on the first date and instead understands when it's just going to be a kiss goodnight. I won't ever settle again.

I deserve, as does everyone else, a good man. You can be obese, thin, tall, wide, short, religious, atheist, any race... it doesn't matter you DESERVE someone good. Someone who treats you right. Someone who you have attraction to. Someone you can hold a good conversation with who doesn't LIE to you. There are good men out there that will like a woman for her, not because she falls under an ideal or a fetish, but because he can't stop thinking about her smile and loves every text he gets because he just likes talking with her.

You're not shallow for shopping for that perfect guy. Most of us are looking for marriage, if you can't stand a guy for a night, you can't stomach them for a lifetime. Some men are more attractive once you get to know them, some suddenly look like Dr. Frankenstein's monster once you get to know them. Some times you have to give them a shot, other times you just know it won't work out. (Especially if their pick up line is: "DAMN Girl! I like 'em thick!")


First, thank you so much for sharing that story with me........it's not something all would want to share, and i recognize that and appreciate it ten folds.

And secondly, THANK YOU again - for you seem to get what i'm saying! Your words seriously calmed me a down from my previous over-the-top post.....and i'm really glad lol. =)

I'm really sorry you had to go through that......to me it's painful and upsetting to see any woman settling like that, and i really just hate it.....i can't put into words how much it bothers me to see that. It's just not fair or right.......and yes, i know, life's not fair all the time, but it's just so wrong to see women, or a person in general, feel like they have no choice and should just put up with abuse or misery or etc. because they're not worthy of more, and i guess that's why i said early on in life, i'd rather be alone for the rest of my life - than settle. I don't know who instilled that in me, but i'm thankful nevertheless.

[of course i don't think i'll be alone my whole life, i mean i'm only 21, but it seriously feels like "forever" when you've spent the last 8-10 years being overweight and obese, and not really having any dates.......life v_v]


Thank you so much again for your post.......it helped a ton.

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Old 06-24-2011, 11:12 PM   #45  
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We're all attracted to different things. We're all picky about something. And if we don't have standards,... well then it sounds desperate that we just have anyone, and not a special someone.

There are people who are MORE reliant on physical attractiveness. Seeing as there isn't a right or wrong about it, they get to be just as picky as anyone else about who they date. There are people out there who will date a person they find attractive even if said attractive person has a horrifyingly awful personality. They have the same right to be less picky about personality. (Not saying the two always go together, goodness no.)

Are standards always fair? Probably not. But, who gets to decide what fair standards mean? There's no one objective about that on Earth.
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