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Goody3shoes 05-19-2011 04:21 AM

Moving away.
Hey guys, so I've been living with my boyfriend for two years, first with his step-dad and now on our own with the help of my dad. He just graduated with his AS and i'm one semester away from my AA. He's going back to school for his Bachelors and i'm gonna continue with mine. Everything seems good and we're really happy together. I'd had a crush on him since I was 16 and he thought of me as a best friend untill he started dating this girl, but eventually we got together and have been living together ever since. Don't get me wrong, we have our problems, like his commitment phobicness, but things are good with us. We've both lived in the same area since we were kids and everything in our lives is here. He went to his counselor today and was told that he needs to get a job in his field of study because of his student loans and things. So basically we're going to have to move at least fifty miles away from our hometown but really most likely over 100 miles away. My problem is that i've heard of too many girls moving away with their boyfriends and then they break up and the girl is in a far off place away from her family and friends. Plus, I'm not sure I could live without my best friend, she's like, one of the most important people in the whole world to me. I always have my family to go back to, they're kinda awesome that way, but still, it worries me to make such a big life change for a boy and in a way choose him over my friends. I don't know what to do. He's painting all these great pictures about making more money and not relying on my dad as much, buying me copper bottom pots and pans (i know it's odd, but it's one of my main dreams in life), getting a house and building a whole big life together. Does anyone have any advice?

starfishkitty 05-19-2011 05:15 AM

Well.... 50 or 100 miles isn't actually that far if you've got a car. Maybe a two hour drive.... easily reachable for a weekend excursion home or to pick up said best friend for a girls night or something. :) As for moving for a guy.... well, if you think he is the one, and its right for both of your careers and for bringing both of you up in the world so you can be together more comfortably, I'd say go for it. But don't go for it if you're not sure about the relationship. It IS a pain in the behind to move across states or country (or anywhere really) to be with a guy and then realize its not going to work out..... I've been through it.... but at the same time... would you regret not trying? Probably. Especially if he was a pretty amazing guy and you felt you could have a lifetime together.

Good luck :)

bargoo 05-19-2011 09:25 AM

It sounds like you have some doubts or you wouldn't be posting here.

MiZTaCCen 05-19-2011 10:18 AM

Are you really seeing the big picture here or are you blocking things out allowing your mind to be clouded just because your dream is to get a house and build a whole life together is my question?

The only reason why I ask this is because you said his "commitment phobicness" which from what I'm gathering there are red flags you're allowing yourself to be tainted by so you can live your big "dream" with possibly the wrong person which may end up in a result you don't want which is why your asking this question based of fear of moving away and then a break up.

The worst thing to happen is to get a house with someone you wanted to commit to and then everything falls apart. I've seen it happen I'm also guessing since your still depending on your father you are fairly young and haven't experienced any independents which can be a scary thing moving away from you town because if you don't have independents now, means you'll fall on your boyfriend and depend on him. (which scares guys when woman need to do depend on them at any age).

sacha 05-19-2011 10:23 AM

I moved 5000km away from 'home'/career for my boyfriend to have a better job (and therefore a better life for us and our son), big house, etc, so believe me, I do know what it is like :)

My heart was in it 100% and I had 100% faith in him and his commitment to us (yes, we're not married, but that is because we have an 11 month old and I wanted to wait until he was a little older, nothing to do with his lack of commitment).

You must have 100% faith in it, that it is the right choice to make and a better life. Do you have that? 50 or 100 miles is not so bad, you can easily make round trips to see people (here, it is a 5 hour flight back home, and English is not even the language here so it's a massive commitment).

Goody3shoes 05-19-2011 12:22 PM

One of my other best friends got married and moved about fifty miles away, but because of gas prices and everything we barely see her except maybe about once a month, but if he was getting paid better than we could afford to visit. I don't drive yet so it would be difficult for me to come visit without him, but if we visited for him it would be to see his friends and family. We've been together almost two years, but when I asked him to move because I was living in a very bad situation with my mother after his step-dad kicked me out he said no untill it became very clear that I had to move 80 miles to live with my dad and that side of my family and he broke up with me untill he changed his mind the week before I was leaving and we got an apt. together. I'm turning 21 in october and lived with my grandparents, then my mother, then him. His commitment-phobicness is a concern yes. We were all set to have a handfasting (celtic trial wedding) but he canceled it because it was too big a step since his friends and family wanted to be involved and it would mean being married (though not legally) because I didn't like the idea of actually living in sin. A year ago he broke up with me because he got scared and said he didn't love me. We got back together two days later, but the whole thing freaked me out. I love him more than anything in the world, but he's always promising me the things that mean the most to me, stability and safety, but I don't trust it. I know he's done things that make this a very unwise choice (breaking up with me, canceling our handfasting), but things have been really good since we moved in together and the life we've been building has been everything I want. My family says to go with him, they all love him, but I worry if there's no actual commitment should I really move that far away? I know it's not really uber-far away, but it feels like a long way to go without some sort of ring on my finger.

MiZTaCCen 05-19-2011 01:38 PM

A ring on your finger or not doesn't mean a thing. He can put a ring on your finger and stray or pull the same crap all over again, get scared and walk away. I personally was in a situation similar in some aspects where he'd break up with me, promise me all sorts of things I was looking for and in the end he walked away regardless. I put my life for a year and a hlf on hold and did everything for him. It was like a tug of war and he always won even when I was right. He still tries to tell me he would have given me a better life now (yet he's the one that walked away).

I don't think any relationship that brings that much BS and that much not trusting is worth it. In the end your heart will be even more broken, of course that's for you to figure out and decided. What does your heart tell you to do? What is it YOU want to do, be selfish for that moment and think about yourself! In the end people are going to come and go you can be the most selfless person out there and you'll still get hurt. You're 21 you have your whole life a head of you, but I think you need to really sit down and figure out what you really want, and is it really worth that much to fight for just because you love him? I'm sorry who the **** breaks up and says I no longer love you? That would hurt me so much, then turn around and get back together with me...I don't know you have to figure out what everything is really worth for you and find out what is worth fighting for.

Goody3shoes 05-19-2011 06:36 PM

I talked to an old friend who is my relationship guru and he said the same thing, a ring doesn't really mean anything. I was raised by grandparents who grew up in an age when marriage meant something and I believe deep down that it does mean something.
I understand his problems to a point and he explained his breaking up with me, he was a very lonely kid and tended to retreat and stop feeling things so that he would stop hurting and he did the same thing with me, he was scared of getting hurt again so he convinced himself that he didn't love me, and it hurt like crazy, but he realized then that he couldn't live without me. What I want to do is move with him and have faith in him and our relationship, but i've been hurt before and I don't trust anything.

starfishkitty 05-20-2011 02:24 AM

I understand both sides to the argument.

I guess I just always ended up going with..... what will I lose? Your family will always be there, as will your best friend. No matter what happens. Does it hurt to give love a try?

indiblue 05-20-2011 08:13 AM

I moved 16,000 miles away for my boyfriend! (Seriously, quit my job and moved halfway across the world).

It's been hard, but I have no regrets. I felt I was in a place in our relationship where
A) I felt secure enough about myself, my own career, and my own financial situation to do this
B) I would survive if we broke up and I needed to move back to the US and
C) I knew he understood the sacrifice I made for him and that if given the opportunity he would do the exact same thing for me (which he will- he is leaving his job so I can pursue my own career and he will follow me).

I am in my mid-20s and I can honestly say I wouldn't have followed a guy five years ago. I needed a few years to do my own thing, to do what I needed to do to be happy. I feel confident in the decisions I made that were solely based on my own preferences and felt comfortable and at a point where I could start compromising with someone else.

I definitely disagree with others who say that a ring doesn't mean anything. For some people it doesn't, for some it does. I didn't need one because I wasn't ready to commit to forever, I was only ready to commit to the next few years. Following someone made sense to me NOW but I didn't want to conflate that with forever. We would move to another country and in a few years that would be over and we could reassess. I didn't need a permanent commitment to make a decision that affects my immediate future and that I could reverse if it didn't make sense in a year or two. BUT if I had needed a ring to make this big life change, it would have absolutely meant everything to both me and my boyfriend. We take marriage incredibly seriously. Just because the trend is that more people take marriage less seriously and are more ready to divorce does NOT mean that your boyfriend or you are one of them. Only you can decide if your boyfriend is making a hollow proposal or a deep-felt commitment. (Only you too can decide if you need that to make this change).

I'll also challenge that 50 or 100 miles is going to make or break your relationship with your friend and parents :). I went to another state for college, yet another one for a job after college, and have spent a lot of time overseas for work and now live overseas. It certainly adds a different element to relationships with friends and families, but seeing them once a month versus every day/every week may not be the end of the world. I can't tell you that you'll be fine and should just suck it up- you have to decide that for yourself. But I do know there's a LOT of value in challenging yourself by living in a different area and meeting new people. You could gain a great deal from the experience.

The bottom line is- do you think you will be wholly satisfied moving away- as in, emotionally, professionally, financially, etc? Or will you be relying on him solely for your happiness? Will you be able to make friends on your own, seek our activities and things to occupy your time, and possibly find a job? Or will you stay at home all day waiting for him to come home, and then get depressed when you feel distant from him because he needs time alone? If something goes wrong, would you be in a complete mess trying to figure out your next step, or would you be in a position to move back to your hometown and move forward?

MiZTaCCen 05-20-2011 09:40 AM


Originally Posted by Goody3shoes (Post 3857278)
I talked to an old friend who is my relationship guru and he said the same thing, a ring doesn't really mean anything. I was raised by grandparents who grew up in an age when marriage meant something and I believe deep down that it does mean something.

I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here, I know a ring means something to you, **** if a guy I loved gave me a ring I'd be going through the same thing. (but will it mean the same thing to him?) I'm just skeptical and I guess cynical when it comes to rings, weddings and whatever else just because these day's it like "love" means nothing to people anymore people throw out that word like they change their underwear. Everyone is scared of getting hurt but in all honest everyone will hurt you some point in time it's just finding the people who are worth it in the end. I think by now you guys have been together for how long that guard of his should have AT least came down half way. I just don't think if you're not trusting the relationship or have trust in it, that should tell you a lot right there. We all eventually question things when it comes to our relationship and sure sometimes their is doubt, but if theirs no trust, I truely don't think a relationship can last, if theirs lack of communication a relationship will not last.

Have you talked to him about all of this, what your feelings are like your true feelings about everything, does he know? Does he know you don't trust anything about all of this? I think in time you will come to the right decision life is all about lessons, we live, we learn, and sometimes make repeated mistakes. Listen to your gut, one thing I've learned over the year is my gut instints are better then what my heart tells me to do and every time (and not once has my gut been wrong) I fail to follow my gut it never ends well.

Sometimes things work out for the best and other times things happen for a reason. :hug:

Goody3shoes 05-20-2011 05:06 PM

I haven't had the most stable of family lives since I was little. I've never really gotten to feel safe or at home or stable at all, but since I've been here, with him, I've been safe. Miztaccen, love marriage and the whole kaboodle was not something I believed in until now, because he takes it all so seriously. I was that cynical girl that went through relationships like water because I never really loved or trusted anyone (mainly because of my first love who really screwed me up emotionally). He does know how I feel and he's been very sweet, and supportive which if anything makes it harder, i could just say no if he was being a jerk, but he's being all understanding and devoted. I don't really have gut instincts to be honest, i've been too sheltered, I'm either logical or I do things spur of the moment.

Wow Indiblue, that is a LONG way to go. I'm glad everything worked out for you. He gave me a pre-engagement ring because he cancelled our celtic handfasting, and he promises that we're going to get married "someday" but I don't know about that since he still says things like "marriage is for schmucks" and 'poor guy" when I tell him about my friends getting married. The place we would move to is the bloody boonies. If I did go he would be my life, though it's not that much different now, but here at least I have the people I grew up with.I'm not really one for making new friends or going out, the people in my live have been there since I was 12, so while it might be a chance to go somewhere new and maybe make a new life, most likely i'll end up relying on him for everything and having no life. I'm looking at transferring schools so that's not a big deal I can find someplace close to where we live, i take online classes now so it wouldn't be a big change with school or anything, but if we did move he would be my whole life, I wouldn't have anyone else (unless we have my bestie come with us, which is a possibility). But I could always go back to living with my dad if things do go south. But if he does go I could try to get an apt with my best friends, which they just proposed to me at lunch yesterday, if i do go with him that wouldn't be an option and i would still end up being like fifty miles away from my friends living with my dad.

indiblue 05-22-2011 10:50 PM

It does sound like there are some things to work through before you decide to move with him.

On the first point, it sounds like you are aware of challenges that could arise to your happiness if you move with him- it's a remote location, you tend to not make new friends/go out, etc. But it also sounds like it could be real opportunity for growth. Perhaps you could commit to joining a community group (through meetup.com, joining a gym, a religious institution, etc), or finding a job and meeting people through there. Or it may not be people you need to be happy- maybe you could commit to doing one outdoor activity every week (a hike, a bike ride, etc). What helped me was to make a list of goals: to write an email to my closest friends once every month, to read one book a month, to try to learn to garden, etc. Keeping a list of goals will help you structure your time and have something to work towards, something outside of your boyfriend to think about. You said if you did go he would be your life, but it doesn't have to be that way. You can forge your own life to compliment your life with him if you commit to it.

On the second point, for me it was very important to have enough savings and be confident enough in my own job prospects if we did break up and I had to move back to the US. Because I did ensure these things, I didn't feel trapped in the relationship, I felt like I was there because I wanted to be there, not because I didn't have any other options. It sounds like you have some options too- move with your dad or get a place with friends.

For me both of these really come down to making sure you have your sense of self and independence before deciding to make this move. It's making sure you know who you are, what you love, and what makes you happy. It's also making sure you can take care of yourself and won't end up in a position where you stay with him because you financially are forced to. You want to be with him out of love and because you are both happy and together make each other happier, not because you feel like you don't have other options.

good luck with your decision!

krampus 05-22-2011 11:12 PM

I am with indiblue. Each and every person in a relationship should have a Plan B in case of emergency/planning for the worst. Being prepared is not the same as dooming the relationship to failure, it just means you're being savvy and smart and strong. There is nothing sadder than people who lose themselves completely as a result of a breakup because they have given up their own independent identities.

Everyone sees relationships differently, but I personally discard the "two halves comprising one whole" idea and prefer "two unique, independent wholes that choose to share their best interests with each other."

Whatever you choose to do, I hope it makes you happy! :)

Ferumbras 05-22-2011 11:17 PM

My two cents: If you do decide to move with him, have a really clear, direct conversation about what will happen if you two decide to break up. Will he help you move back home? Will he give you a sort of "two weeks notice" about it so you can get your things together and your head on straight?

Oh, and try to be as financially independent as possible. There are extremely good reasons for this in terms of the relationship at this point that have nothing to do with paying rent. It can prevent feelings of guilt or compulsion to stay in the relationship to either have support or to support him.

Ultimately, as you know, it's your decision as you know your circumstances. So I won't recommend which way to go, just whatever you do have your eyes as wide open as possible.

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