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-   -   Am I a crazy person? (https://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/general-chatter/230526-am-i-crazy-person.html)

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 02:56 PM

Am I a crazy person?
 
I'm 20 and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We've been living together for just over a year. Today I got a huge shock.

I wentinto University to hand in a piece of coursework. I had to put the work onto a DVD disc to hand it in and so before leaving I just grabbed one off the shelf that was in a clear case and looked blank. When I got to putting my work on the disc I put it in and a video popped up. It was his wedding video. I panicked. Cried a little because for some reason it upsets me. And then ejected the disc. I didn't watch it. Just the title page came up to show me what it was. I text my boyfriend and told him what had happened and he said not to be upset, to snap the disc and forget about it. I sorted myself out, and put the disc back in my bag.

I've just got home and, I dunno why, I watched it. Not it all. I saw where she walked down the aisle (and it cheered me up a little to see that she looked dreadful-I hope I look prettier than that on my wedding day!!), I saw them sign the register, I missed the kiss as I skipped it. Don't think I could bear that bit. But I landed on where they cut the cake. He was stood behind her, they looked so happy, they were holding hands...and I couldn't take any more. So I've ejected the disc and can't stop crying.

I feel like a crazy person and don't think I can admit to boyfriend what I've just done :(

I don't know what I'm looking for by telling you this. I guess theres no advice you can give as I've already done it. I can't unwatch what I saw. I just feel really horrible now. I feel like not doing any exercise and just going straight to bed.

nelie 04-13-2011 03:26 PM

I know it may upset you but unless you didn't know your boyfriend was married, you'll need to figure out how to deal with it. My husband was married prior to us getting together but they are no longer married for a reason and he is with me for a reason. Sometimes things just don't work out, no matter how happy you look on a certain day.

beerab 04-13-2011 03:31 PM

Did he get married when he was 12 lol- how old is he to already be married and divorced?!

Okay that being said; HUN he's NOT married to her anymore, he's with YOU, he told you snap the disc, so get rid of it, and ignore it. Why are you letting something in his past which had nothing to do with you bother you? What does his being married before you knew him have anything to do with you, his love for you, etc?

Toss the disc in the trash and go do your workout and laugh about how silly you are being and think about how great a guy you have :)

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 03:31 PM

I think its because he never told me he'd been married until we had been together 6 months. And when he told me it really upset me. Mainly because I was only 19 at the time and marriage was (and still is) a big deal. I know he was married. And he is now divorced. Its just that she's always around (as she is the mother of his child) and I hate her. I hate to think of her near him. And she cheated on him within 2 months of them getting married. I hate her. I dunno. I'm really messed up. I wish I didn't watch the video :( Well. I really wish I'd never found the video if I'm honest.

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 03:34 PM

He's 26. They got married in November. Split up in the Feb. And I got with him in the July....not knowing he'd been married before.

This is too much to deal with. I keep ignoring it but I'm way in over my head. And he is falling out with me all the time now and seeing them in that video makes me think if she didn't cheat or if he'd not found out I'd never have met him. Maybe he was happier with her? But her cheating meant they couldn't be together?

I'm really shaky still :( Just can't deal with this.

MInewgoal 04-13-2011 03:35 PM

Obviously, they weren't happy together, or they'd still be there.

That was his past, and he's let it go
Work through your emotions, don't feel guilty about it. I think in general everyone is curious about who and what came before...but Now look to the future.

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 03:39 PM

I suppose you're right. Still hurts though. I just wish he'd be more understanding. He doesn't like talking things through. He just tells me to "forget about things" so I try and end up bottling them up and then when something like this happens I get ridiculously upset over nothing.

beerab 04-13-2011 03:39 PM

No use crying over spilt milk.

Don't waste your energy on hating her- it's not worth it to harbor that hatred in your life. If anything feel sorry for her she screwed herself over because she lost a great guy that you are now with. Remember in all this that YOU made out- screw the fact he was married to her- it's in the past! Move on. If you truly feel this is affecting you that much you might want to go see a counselar or therapist in order to let things like this go because in the end it's not worth it to let yourself get so upset about this.

Just be thankful that they don't have children together so you don't have to see her ever again.

Do something fun with the CD- take it outside and break it up with a hammer- great way to let all the rage out :)

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 03:41 PM

...mm they do have a daughter together. I have to see her every weekend...

And I was thinking about getting a hammer. But I've got a pair of scissors and am cutting it up into as many pieces as I possible

beerab 04-13-2011 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicalJess (Post 3805960)
I suppose you're right. Still hurts though. I just wish he'd be more understanding. He doesn't like talking things through. He just tells me to "forget about things" so I try and end up bottling them up and then when something like this happens I get ridiculously upset over nothing.

If you guys have relationship issues not relating to this then that's a separate issue you need to work on. If you are taking this video issue out of proportion because of all your other relationship issues- then address your OTHER issues, not this video.

If he just wants you to constantly forget about issues then you guys have communication issues and a counselor would also help you guys to learn to communicate better. Bottling things up is NOT the way to be in a relationship. If you guys can't talk things out you'll have serious issues later on.

beerab 04-13-2011 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicalJess (Post 3805964)
...mm they do have a daughter together. I have to see her every weekend...

Well then you need to be the bigger person here and rise above it all and be a good step-mom to his daughter because like it or not she's part of the package.

I know it's hard since you are only 20 and tossed into that kind of mess but if he's worth it then you have to do what you have to do.

Don't let this ruin your day.

kateleestar 04-13-2011 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beerab (Post 3805962)
No use crying over spilt milk.

Don't waste your energy on hating her- it's not worth it to harbor that hatred in your life. If anything feel sorry for her she screwed herself over because she lost a great guy that you are now with. Remember in all this that YOU made out- screw the fact he was married to her- it's in the past! Move on. If you truly feel this is affecting you that much you might want to go see a counselar or therapist in order to let things like this go because in the end it's not worth it to let yourself get so upset about this.

This.

Also, don't see her every weekend. If seeing her upsets you THAT MUCH, don't be around when she drops off/picks up the kid. She isnt worth it and isnt worth you being upset about.

Take a deep breath.

AND: :) You need to tell BF that if you don't talk things out, you bottle them up, and then if effects you physically. He needs to be okay with you talking things out, its part of a healthy relationship! :D

It will be okay! :D

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 03:51 PM

Thanks for your advice. Just feel like this was the worst thing that could have possibly happened today. Stressful deadline, tired, long day and have argued a few times this week with him. Think I've blown it out of proportion. It wasn't a shock seeing that video. It was a shock it being on the disc I wanted for my coursework though. Its just that we went to his cousins wedding the other week and his parents and sister kept comparing it to his wedding in front of me. I got really upset then too. I know that we'll struggle to get married in a church with him having been married before and he has said that when we do get married he just wants to keep it small. But my family always have big traditional weddings. I want everyone to see the man I'm spending my life with. I want the "perfect wedding". All the trimmings, if you know what I mean. Its difficult not to want to place blame on the woman who got there first for taking that away from you.

beerab 04-13-2011 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicalJess (Post 3805994)
Its just that we went to his cousins wedding the other week and his parents and sister kept comparing it to his wedding in front of me. I got really upset then too.

His family was inconsiderate to do that but just realize they probably didn't mean to do it and if they did then don't let them get to you. People always compare weddings, it happens. I'd just let your bf know how you felt and hopefully in the future if you go to another wedding he can say "can we not compare my wedding right now?" and even just getting up and dancing with you can diffuse that situation without causing issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MusicalJess (Post 3805994)
I know that we'll struggle to get married in a church with him having been married before and he has said that when we do get married he just wants to keep it small. But my family always have big traditional weddings. I want everyone to see the man I'm spending my life with. I want the "perfect wedding". All the trimmings, if you know what I mean. Its difficult not to want to place blame on the woman who got there first for taking that away from you.

Why is she taking that away from you? You aren't engaged, you haven't planned a wedding, etc. If you want a big wedding then have a big wedding.

So what if your bf says he wants to keep it small? That's where communication is key.

Tell him it's going to be your only wedding, tell him what you told us, how important it is to you and your family, if he's a great guy he'll understand and what you to have the wedding of your dreams.

Compromise also comes in here (compromise is a huge thing when it comes to marriage). If cost is a problem a big wedding doesn't have to cost a fortune. I had 200 people at my wedding and by keeping all costs down I was able to spend only $15,000 (which my parents paid). If your family wants a huge wedding for you then hopefully they are willing to pay for it so it doesn't put stress on you or your bf.

Girl you need to relieve some stress I hope you feel better talking it out and maybe this weekend you can do something to alleviate some stress!

MusicalJess 04-13-2011 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beerab (Post 3806009)
Why is she taking that away from you? You aren't engaged, you haven't planned a wedding, etc.

You see.... this is where I get really confused... About 3 months after we got together he asked me to marry him. He didn't have a ring (couldn't afford one) but promised as soon as he could he'd buy me one. That was before I knew he'd been married before. But still...

Last year he got some money through (About 1300) and he paid off a few things like bills etc...but wasted the rest. No ring.

He keeps insisting he wants to marry me but since that day he has never again spoken about it (if that makes sense). He says he wants to marry me, etc..But other than that its all talk. He asked me to marry him, so we're engaged I guess, but we're also not. Because we're not planning a wedding. Its as though he never proposed...

Oh my god. I must sound mental. But my head is all over the place right now. What do you think it means?


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