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Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Wausau, WI
Posts: 13,383
S/C/G: SW:394/310/180
Height: 5'6"
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More background would have helped, because your situation is extremely unusual (and people are going to assume an average situation unless informed otherwise - it's why I used a lot of "if's" in my advice). Most adults with children, living with a parent do rely on the parent for at least partial or occasional day care - and most (even those who pay rent) pay less rent and other expenses than if they were paying rent to an unrelated roomate/landlord.
People can only fill in the blanks with what they consider "average" variables and their own experiences.
Not to belabor a point, but I would still disagree that
"staying up til 4 am talking on the phone, forgetting to make bill payments on time, forgetting to buy the groceries that we need and among other things, is acting like a 14 year old."
I think your next statement is more true, "But I don't fault her for that. It happens to all of us when we are giddy and in love."
It's not acting like a 14 year old, it's acting like a person in the early stages of a relationship, and it's not necessarily about "giddyness." It's normal, it's healthy, and it even makes rational sense. Love and the "mating" process (whether or not you believe in soul mates) is more important than groceries, housework, bills, and even sleep - especially at an age where it can't be taken for granted.
Staying up talking til 4 in the morning, is actually a great sign. It means she's putting the time in to getting to know this guy. When I met my husband, we spent many nights talking on the phone or in person all night - and then we'd have to go to work on zero sleep (and then we'd email each other at work during down time). That wasn't "irresponsible 14 year old" behavior, it was "adults getting to know each other, and enjoying the euphoria of getting to know someone intimately." It was a calculated, weighing of cost/benefit. A night or two of sleep deprivation, and a day or two without milk and eggs, and even dirty underwear and even ticked-off and concerned relatives were small trade-offs for getting to know the other person. After 35 years of singlehood, and very conservative dating history, my parents and my sisters practically panicked that I had apparently thrown all caution to the wind, and was acting so "foolishly." Anyone who could inspire such "irresponsibility" in their ultra conservative daughter/sister, had to be evil and manipulative - that or my biological clock was doing all my thinking. I heard it all. I appreciated the concern, but I didn't have the time or interest to cater to their needs. Mine were more important (finally)
I also forgot to pay bills on time, and forgot to do chores such as laundry and putting away the dishes, and even getting groceries and other errands for myself and my sister (I was living with my sister at the time, so I wasn't just inconveniencing myself).
I wasn't acting like a 14 year old, I was acting like a person who had more important things on my mind than bills and groceries and whether it was my turn to unload the dishwasher. A late-fee to the credit card, doing laundry on my last day of clean underwear, and the minor irritation of my sister for shirking my share of the responsibilities were small (and entirely normal) prices to pay for the benefits of getting to know an interesting, fascinating person I wanted to get to know better. I was putting me, and the potential relationship above all my other priorities (and more than 9 years later, I'm very glad that I did. I also didn't and don't believe in soulmates, but I'll tell you my husband comes closer to the sterotype than I ever imagined anyone could).
It's hard for me to see your mom's behavior as abnormal, because it sounds so much like my own. I'm normally extremely conservative, and didn't ever expect to live with a man before marriage, let alone move in with him within 3 months of meeting him. There was a lot going on in my life and my family at the time as well. When we met, my now-husband wasn't more than 3 months out of a bad live-in relationship with a woman who had kids - and at the time I had a very strict "rule" that I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't at least 6 months out of a dating relationship, or 1 year out of a marriage or live-in situation (especially with kids).
My husband was the first and only exception I ever made to my strict dating rules (and he was the only one worth breaking them for).
I do appreciate your concern for your mother, but the meeting-to-engagement time frame is a lot less imporatant than the courtship itself (not just it's time, but how it's conducted. A "crash course" in dating/engagement isn't necessarily any less rational or successful than a long, casual, slow one).
If you're mom were moving her fiance into the house next week, I'd be more concerned for her (even though I moved in with my now-husband only 5 to 6 weeks longer). Even if the man had no intention of moving closer until the wedding, I'd be more concerned - but most apartments require a 6 month lease minimum, which makes it sound like they intend a longer courtship (or he would just stay where he is until they married).
The issue isn't the engagement or your contribution and your brother's to the household. The issue is that she's a normal woman, conducting an entirely normal courtship. She isn't acting like a 14 year old, she's acting like a woman who has met and fallen in love with a man, with whom she can envision spending the rest of her life.
You and your brother are getting upset long before it's necessary or justified. You're assuming facts not in evidence. Give your mom a chance. Give this guy a chance. Support their relationship.
Yes there's a lot of stress going on in your lives, and the whirlwind courtship may be (both legitimately and defensively) an escape from that stress, but this isn't panic time. This is "I'll support your decision, even if I don't agree with it," time.
If you and your brother can't do that, and even if you can, family counseling would be a great benefit. You all will probably find an objective third person viewpoint extremely helpful. A trained counselor is going to be more likely to be able to distinguish irrational and rational behavior on everyone's part before any of you will recognize it on your own. If your mom and Mr. Fiance are being irrational, inappropriately impulsive, the counselor is going to share his observations with them and encourage them and help them make more rational decisions. If you and your brother are being irrational and jumping to inappropriate conclusions, the counselor will share his impressions of that as well. And regardless, the counselor will also help all of you learn and use healthy strategies for communication and stress-relief.
Last edited by kaplods; 03-27-2011 at 01:07 PM.
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