Changing of the name
 

I am divorcing and I miss my maiden name. A friend of mine who divorced several years ago kept her last name because she wanted it to be the same as the kids. Now she regrets the decision and it got me thinking. I assumed I'd keep mine as well, but I hate my married last name...and kind of always have. It's one of the most common ones. My maiden name is unique and though I hated having to spell it all the time, I miss that! I am not a member of my married last name...I want my identity back. But I also know what it's like for school personnel to figure out what the mother's last name is and it would be nice to have the same last name as the kids. But if I ever get married again, (and I may not!) I don't want to go from one man's name to another's.

I don't know. I see pros and cons to both.

What did/would you do?

Well, back in the 70's I tried to go back to my birth name. However, the schools did have a problem but I stuck to my guns.

When I remarried in 1983, my DH wanted me to use his name too so I became Ruth Hyphenated - birth name-DH's name. Since then there seem to be lots of other folks using both names or just their birth name. (In the province of Quebec, you cannot change your name to your husband's name.)

Looking back, I don't think I'd go for the hyphenated name again. Now that I'm widowed I pretty much just use my birth name although legally I am still Ruthie Hyphenated.

When I got divorced there were actually only a few days between the divorce being final and me re-marrying. (It's a long story, but it's not nearly as skanky as it sounds.) Due to the quickness of things I didn't go back to my maiden name, but even though I knew the logical reasons it still felt strange to go from one man's last name to the other. So if there's any chance that you'll marry again in the future I'd go back to the maiden name.

The amount of hassle of having a different last name than your kids depends a lot on where you are. In two places I've lived, a liberal college town in the NE and the Bay Area, no one even blinks an eyelash because it's so common. Right now, only about a third of the kids in my son's 3rd grade class have parents with the same last name, for whatever reason: divorce, cohabitation, or simply wives -- or husbands! -- not changing names at marriage.

OTOH, I've been denied a hotel room in southern Utah because my last name doesn't match DHs.

I say, go back to your maiden name if you want, and politely educate people who give you a hard time about it. You'll be doing the next woman in your shoes a favor.

//b. strong

I would absolutely reclaim your own name!

I never changed my maiden name because we never planned on kids and although I love the way my husband's name would've sounded with mine, it's not my name--I could never have given up my last name any more than I could have learned to answer to a new first name. It's part of my identity.

Given what you've been through with your ex, you have every reason to want to reconnect with your identity. Your identity as "____'s Mom" will always be there; no reason not to shed the outdated "____'s Wife" moniker and go back to the you that you were all your life before you married.

I say if you like your birth name, go back to it. Maybe it's because I'm a Californian, but so, so, so many people have different names than their kids that it really isn't an issue. Even in the 70s and 80s when my siblings and I were growing up, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was from my mother's second marriage, and my brother and sister were from her first. My mom and I shared a last name, and my brother and sister had their father's last name. Aside from occasionally being called Mrs. Ex-Husband's Last Name by teachers/doctors/etc , there was no confusion.

If my husband and I split up, I'd probably keep the last name we now share. I have no connection to my father's name (he was gone before I was born) and I do now have a connection to the last name I chose for myself when I got married (also happened to be my husband's name, but I feel like it's mine now).

I would go back if that is what YOU want. Who cares what other people think. I have a brother and a sister with different last names. My mother has been married 4 times and changed her name with each marriage. It was never an issue with all of us having different last names.

I would change it back for sure, it was such a relief to me when I changed mine back. There will be some headaches though, so be prepared. I ended up having to close an account for my ISP and get a new one because they would/could not change my surname on all levels. Of course now I come to find out from someone who actually knew what they were doing that I could have just faxed them in the divorce papers.

Canadian, I remember changing my name to my married name was tough in grad school.

I'm feeling better about this. I've always lamented having to give up my surname. Plus it's German, and my heritage is German...you know, it just says a little something about who you are.

So go back to YOUR name. It's telling how you're referring to your ex-husband's last name as opposed to your from-birth last name.

Brava. I love this.

Change it back if that's what you want.

I think (hope) that attitudes on women taking their husband's names are changing. I'm from the ever-so-conservative South, from a pretty conservative religious and family background personally, and if I ever marry I don't think I'll be changing my name. Now, sure, some of this might be generational (I'm 33) but I really do think many people hardly bat an eye if someone's name is different from their husband's, or partner's, or children's.

Of course, that doesn't mean they might not be dying to get the scoop on why your name is different. Why is it that people can't be satisfied with a short, simple, explanation, and always want the juicy details?

My mom went back to her maiden name after my parents divorced. This meant that her last name was different from mine and my brothers' names, but no one batted an eye in school or anywhere else. We were from rural/small-town Wisconsin too, so we didn't live in some bastion of liberalism either.

I think the stigma associated with different names between the kids and parents isn't really there anymore in most places or at least isn't as pronounced. Several of my friends (late 20's) haven't bothered to change their names after getting married and when I get married within the next couple of years, I'm not going to either. Do what makes you happy.

I say do what ever you feel is best for you. My wife dropped her ex-husbands last name and now goes by Angela~ Her Maiden Name As A Middle Name ~ My Last Name....

my ex-wife still goes as Brenda My Last Name after 21 years of being divorced

If you like your maiden name, there is no reason not to change it back.

If you really want to, you can change your name to something with absolutely no affiliation - don't think that you're limited to your ex-husband or your father. Maybe there's a heritage-related name that you've always liked, perhaps something tributary...or, you can be Eliana Moonbeam if you really want! Maybe that isn't helping the case, but just remember that you can also create a new identity for yourself if it's what you really want.

I don't know what your situation is, but I do know of a few ladies who have divorced and also changed the children's last names (the kids were all under school age, though). Doing that out of spite to the ex would be wrong, but if he isn't going to have much influence in their lives (fleeing child support, doesn't want anything to do with them, whatever) it may be appropriate. I'm not trying to insinuate anything about your ex, his integrity or the relationship as it currently stands...just relaying an option.

Good luck!

this is why if i ever have kids they're gonna have my last name.

i'm willing to let dad attach his last name after a hyphen, but that's as far as i'll go.

I'm not yet divorced but I'm keeping my married name.

My maiden name is a French-Canadian 11 letter monstrosity that people can't spell or pronounce and my married name is a relatively common (it's in the top 300 most popular surnames) 5 letter name - it was kind of a no-brainer for me. My dad is a little miffed but my mom (who's maiden name was Goldman) *totally* gets it.

reclaim your name!!

i think that is what you're pulled to do and this is about you not what other people think or want.

i have given it some thought- i hated my maiden name, i don't like my married name... if something ever happened i'd go by something else entirely, my grandmothers maiden name, which is lovely.

I know when I have to contact a student's parent, I look up both the mother's and the father's last name before making that call. Schools are starting to wise up to the fact that not only do kids not always share a last name with their children, but you might not be contacting their parents anyways.

Besides, I can't see you to be the type to be offended if someone called you by your married name post-name change. Go for it. Change away :)

You are quite right. :D I've been on the wrong end of that particular situation myself, assuming the parent/child have the same last name.

I haven't read all the replies, but I thought I'd share my thoughts.

I would personally go back to my maiden name if I was in your situation. My parents were divorced, I had my father's last name but my mom went back to her maiden name. From my perspective, it never seemed to be that big of a deal. In fact, thinking back on it, I think I would have been bothered if my mother had kept my father's last name, and I can't even pinpoint why it would bug me.

I recently got married and went from a beautiful unique-without-being-too-weird Irish name, Megan Kendrick, to a funky Polish name. I am proud to be part of his family, but, well, let's just say I didn't marry him for his name. So I'm still going through almost a mourning process of my old identity. Saying my new name still sounds so strange to me. If I were to ever get divorced (God forbid) I'm quite certain that I'd take my maiden name back.

Do what makes YOU happy, and if that's going back to your maiden name do it! I personally wouldn't want an ex husbands last name stuck to me for the rest of my life that's for sure!

I kept my ex's last name for a few reasons. I like the name better (easier to spell and flows well with my first name). My son and I have the same last name which is convenient. I got married right out of college, so all of my professional contacts know me only by that name. Finally - it's kind of a pain in the neck to change your name on everything again :)

I don't have a problem with "going from one man's name to another" if I get remarried - it's my name now. (Although it is a little weird having the same last name as his new wife.)

Juliana

I think you should do what you want. If I were getting divorced, I'd probably be all too glad to disassociate myself from my ex's name. If you were to change your name back, you will probably have to explain it more often than you would like to, but it would be worth it. I'd probably post a message about the change on Facebook, send out an email announcement and/or cards to everyone you know. Might help cut down on the explaining.