Self esteem issues are ruining my relationship..
 

Me and my boyfriend have been having arguement after aruguement recently, and it's getting to the point where we're fighting about the fact that we're fighting. We've been together for 8 months, and he's my first love, first boyfriend...first everything. I'm 19, He's 25, and has had many more relationships than I.

The fights center mainly around my self-esteem issues (thinking he wants to be with his most recent ex, that I'm not worth having someone love me, that he doesnt really want to be with me) and his stress (he's working full time, school full time, volunteering, trying to stay at the top of his class...)

So, I'll bring up something really stupid because I feel upset or depressed ("why are you talking to your ex, I don't like it") and he'll become very upset because 1. he's stressed and 2. i brought the exactly same damn thing up last time and he thought we had resolved it.

He thinks I should go to therapy and have someone to talk to about this. I don't want to; I've been to therapy before, and I honestly think I will be able to get better on my own. I've come a long way. He just doesn't think so, he worries about our future and if we'll stay together, and he tells me after every fight he become more and more cautious about our relationship...

I'm nosy, why is he talking to his ex and what is the resolution to that?

I've had the same types of issues in the past and you need to tell yourself you are worthy. Fake it until you make it if you have to. Don't let negative thoughts enter your head and if they do, reverse them with something positive.

Keep in mind that if we don't think we're worthy of being cared for and loved, why should someone else put forth the effort to love us? People want partners in life, not to be reassurers.

But have to second Nelie - the first thought I had was WHY is someone contacting an ex if there aren't kids involved. That's not self-esteem - that's a valid question.

He's wise to suggest counseling and wise to become cautious.

If you test a loved one long enough, sooner or later they'll fail the test. If this guy is working and going to school and volunteering and trying to keep you afloat, he's going to crack. He needs you to be the self-reliant, confident person you can be--more important, YOU need to be that person for your own sake. You can't stroll hand in hand through life with your partner if you aren't first standing on your own two feet. :)

It sounds like you know that the things you're bringing up aren't really the subjects of the fights, that you're doing it for reassurance and not to resolve an actual issue. Knowing what you're doing is harmful is half the battle; now you need to find ways to stop. Arguments in a relationship can be healthy--IF you're both working to resolve something and not looking for something else that you get emotionally from fighting.

Does he talk to his ex often despite not having to (i.e., if they work together or are in the same classes, they'll probably have reason to talk sometimes)? When he does, is he secretive about it? If the answer to both those questions is "no," please give him some peace about the ex, because there's really nothing there. Really nothing.

And if he does hide his conversations, it still doesn't automatically mean he's doing anything untoward (frankly, with a schedule as busy as his I'm not sure he'd have time to). If you're starting an argument every time he speaks to his ex, no matter how innocent it is, he'll speak to her when you aren't around.

The important thing to realize is that he's giving you every chance he can to make this work. He clearly really wants you in his life and is willing to be open with you about his feelings, even when they're scary like feeling cautious about the relationship. He sounds pretty awesome; please stop finding reasons to fight with him because he's too good to warrant that kind of treatment and you're too good to stoop to it.

Be good to each other, be good together. You both deserve it.

Ditto what Nola Celeste said.

Sounds like your issues are just that- YOUR issues.

You need to get a handle on the self-esteem- he can't make you feel better about yourself, you have to make yourself feel better about yourself. For one stop being negative and thinking negatively about yourself, anytime you think negatively tell yourself to STOP and then think about something else.

The more you push him the more you are jeopardizing your relationship. It sounds like his time is limited anyways- so why are you making it less enjoyable when he is with you?

If he didn't want to be with you, he wouldn't, PERIOD- try to remember that.

As for talking to his ex unless he has a specific reason to like they work together or something I would ask him to not talk to her because it makes you uncomfortable and point out to him you would not talk to an ex if he didn't like it either. It sounds like the "resolution" you guys "agreed" upon is not something you really agreed to but just said okay to make him happy then when it comes up you make it an argument because for you the issue wasn't really resolved. And if he doesn't stop talking to her you have to ask yourself if you can deal with that or not. If the answer is no move on.

Good luck.

They're friends. They've gone out for coffee, they text, apparently nothing's going on be he knows I don't like her and he kind of understands why. (I knew him before he started dating her and I liked him...so yeah, kinda didn't like her off the get go)

Thank you, thats a very good point. I just feel so young and emotionally immature when it comes to stuff like this.

Bolded are words that really hit me hard. Thank you so much, that was incredibly helpful. And unfortunately, yes, he is secretive about the time spent with her because he knows hearing about it upsets it. He's finally realized that having it kept from me hurts more.

It took me plenty of years to learn some of those lessons and even now I've learned them imperfectly. I wish you both the best of luck; he sounds like a great catch and so do you for wanting to work on your relationship together.

As for the ex thing, just remember that there are reasons he isn't with her and is with you now. He is where he wants to be, and that is with you. :)

I might be able to give some perspective on the ex situation.

I'm the ex. Not in your situation, obviously, but I'm still very very good friends with my ex-boyfriend. We go out to dinner, chat online, and both of us are currently involved with other people. Even if both of us were single, we still wouldn't be together; doubly so since we're both involved.

There are very clear boundaries that we do not cross, but my attitude is this: this person is a really awesome friend and he means a lot to me and I know he's a solid person to keep in my life. There will never be a romantic relationship again, but breaking up is (IMO) not a good enough reason to exclude him completely. We're both honest and open about our friendship to the people we're currently dating.

As long as there are clear boundaries set up, you really do not need to worry.

I personally wouldn't trust the ex thing, but then again all my exs were douchebags and most of the ones that continue to talk to me are because they STILL have feelings for me.

But I completely agree with Nola and the amazing advice she gave. Most of the time when we're insecure about ourselves we become this green monster and it eventually takes a toll on the relationship. My ex was a very jealous over the top psychopath with everything and eventually I turned into just as Psychotic because theres only so much abuse you can take which eventually turns into resentment.

If you love him, tone it down a bit, figure out what you're problems are and work at them. He has 6 years on you and in your shoes you can feel as if that's intimating because you have no experimented with different men or had many boyfriends. But he's with you for a reason and if he's with you then thats a good sign. If he loves you and you seriously have a HUGE issue with him still talking to his ex (I personally don't know the story behind that) but you do, then you should talk to him adult to adult. Maybe you both can compromise something when it comes to her.

Everyone has had wonderful insights and you're lucky you're getting this kind of insight at your age! Most of us have to figure it out as we go and it can sure take a long time.

One more thing to add though.... It could probably help in a lot of ways if you made yourself more busy! If you have an established social, school, and work life, then you'll be developing yourself in other ways that aren't as reliant on your bf. Enjoy yourself! GL :)

If he knows him being with the ex upsets you, then he should stop. Period. If he keeps choosing his relationship with his ex over your feelings, then that just proves how much he respects you and how much he respects this relationship. If he's not willing to be with a girl that has a problem with it, then he's going to have some seriously slim pickings. It sounds like to me, at least in regards to this, that he is twisting what is HIS problem into it being YOUR problem. It's a pretty common trick in relationships, and most people don't even realize they're doing it. The fact that you even call this concern "something stupid" says a whole lot.

ETA: If he is the one telling you that your concerns about this don't matter, are irrelevant or are just you being insecure, then I would make sure to correct him that your insecurities do not make your points on this issue invalid.

The man I'm currently dating has an ex-wife, and I would be incredibly uncomfortable if I found out he had been hanging out with her and not telling me. I'm comfortable with the two of them still having such open communication, and I'm glad they've had such a clean, affable divorce, but that's just what I'm comfortable with. If I wasn't, I would hope that he would have enough respect for my feelings so at least we could come to some form of agreement, rather than him still secretly contacting her.

As far as some of the other self-esteem stuff, I think the other ladies here have given you some great advice.

I think because you are young and this is your first everything, you are feeling everything intensely. It has its charms -- enjoy it! But is also means you have no context, no past experience, no yardsticks of experience to measure all this by. That can be hard.

And point this out to BF. You need a little time to mature on some things that he's already gotten past. Like the jealousy thing and being friends with ex's thing.

It can be done. And it doesn't mean anything other than just friends. Ex's BECOME ex's for a good reason! Is the ex friend reasonable? The occasional call? Or visit? That's fine. Every single hour of the day? That's not fine. If he's keeping it reasonable, then I don't see what the problem is.

If your BF is going to cheat, it isn't because of the ex. He'd cheat with whoever. And that's about him being a cheating scumbag deep down. It's not about his friends. Even if the ex or crazy stranger came on to him, he's supposed to draw the line and go "Hey, I'm a man in a relationship. That's not cool, get a grip on yourself!" If he doesn't do that, it's not because of who it was that came on to him. It's because of HIM allowing it and pursuing because he's a scumbag.

I don't know how things will work out with him or not in the time to come. Time will tell you if your trust is well placed or not.

But I would encourage you to settle into your relationship and grow some confidence in yourself and the relationship. He isn't doing anything scumbag like. And you treating him like a thing instead of a person -- "Don't touch my toy! This is my toy! Nobody play with my toy!" is a bit demeaning and you see where it is getting out of hand -- he can't even speak freely about it around you because you have a cow. A cow over what? Nothing. Do that enough times and it gets old. Like... "She doesn't trust me at all. I may as well be elsewhere! I can't have a normal convo here and I'm not appreciated for being upstanding and trustworthy."

Trust him to do the right thing by you. Tell him what you expect -- "Sure, hon, be friends with your ex. But I expect you to stay true to ME." And if he doesn't, you can kick him to the curb!

Another tidbit... when I dated I never cared about being anyone's first anything. I was looking to be the last. As in -- life partner/spouse. So I didn't really get excited or care about the ones who came before me. Again, ex's become ex's for a reason. They are no threat at all if your partner is true.

A.

I wish I could put all of you guys in my pocket and have you give me therapy sessions throughout the day.


Thank you so much for the responses :hug: bookmarking this page and coming back to it if I ever start feeling insecure about us.

I really relate to you in how I felt during my first relationship/love......all of those emotions were new and it was overwhelming. I was 21 and brand new to relationships and he was 26 with a long history of serious relationships.

I think that it is great that you are so aware of what you are doing and trying to make those steps now to correct the problem....I didn't find this wisdom until after my ex and I broke up. You still have the opportunity to keep the relationship and speed up the natural growing/maturity process by making a real effort to fix the issues.

Here are a few of the things I realized (afterwards) that I think will really help me in my next relationship and maybe you will get something out of it.
1. You need to make you happy first. People are drawn to happy people. Do what you enjoy and you will see a difference in the way you two interact.
2. If you really love him, think about that when you start to fixate on a small argument....you want him to be happy. By creating drama you are making him unhappy. I was very guilty of focusing so much on my own feelings that I would act selfishly in my quest for "reassurance".
3. Before you argue...sleep on it. If you are getting yourself worked up over something, make yourself take a few deep breaths and decide that if it still seems like a big deal tomorrow, you will consider it a legitimate issue. I think you will find that most of your worries will seem like nothing the next day.

It sounds like you have a great guy who is emotionally mature enough to be open to communication about the underlying reasons for yalls arguing. Keep working through it, you will figure it out :)