Do you think im being too harsh on him? - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community

Porthardygurl · 02-17-2011, 06:53 PM

So... ive been really frustrated and discouraged with my fiancee. Ive been wanting to buy a treadmill for a long time. He promised me that we could buy one after i was done being pregnant but he never ended up buying one. Then we coudnt buy one because we didnt have the money. Now he has an opportunity to get a loan from the bank to buy one and im willing to settle for one not as high quality as i wanted so that it can be lowered price..but he tells me just to save up for it..Well that would be nice except i clothe my daughters back and i buy some of the groceries oh and should i say that i only have about 200 something dollars a month because thats how much i get from the government while he goes to work and makes a good sum of money and yes he does work full time but i cant work full time because i have to stay home with are girl, so i rely on him to help me buy things that i want. So far..he has invested in a nice 2010 jeep patriot and a new electric fireplace which looks gorgeous and he's getting a new phone and then the next item will be a couple G's computer for himself becaue he broke his other one..But he wont help me buy a treadmill even though i offered to pay monthly installments so that its basically me paying it off 100$ a month at a time..But he wont..So i told him..No intimacy in the bedroom until i lose 5 pounds..And for every 5 pounds i lose, we can have a night in the bedroom together..Well right now, weight loss is about 2 pounds a week..so that means once every few weeks we can be intimate..He asked why i was doing this..and i said to him "Just so you can understand the desperation that i have about losing weight. You can feel that desperation and that need that i have for a treadmill in our house"..because we have a crappy gym up here and its too rainy to go walking and i cant run outside..Do you think its too harsh to give him a taste of his own medecine? Cause i feel like he doesnt see my need..His claim is that its a lot of money..and my thing is that its my health at stake and i rely on him to provide things for me and my daughter..and my health is more at stake than anything...

ERHR · 02-17-2011, 07:09 PM

Personally, I don't think withholding sex is EVER productive and it's nearly always damaging to your relationship. (That's based on everything I've ever read about relationships and the counseling my husband and I received, not personal experience.) So if I were you I would cut that out.

It sounds like you guys need an overhaul in how you handle money between you, not just over this issue. Is it his and yours or yours together? If you keep your money separate you have no claims on what he does with his.

I think your fiance is smart to not go into debt to buy a treadmill. That is a purchase you can save up for.

mandalinn82 · 02-17-2011, 07:19 PM

In my relationship, we call that "using sex as a weapon", and it's not allowed. It seems like your relationship has bigger issues revolving around how money is spent. I understand being frustrated seeing him put his priorities financially above yours. If you are going to have a workable partnership, having a discussion about that is going to be a lot more productive, IMO, than withholding sex.

midwife · 02-17-2011, 07:21 PM

I agree with the previous poster.

My dh and I have one pot where we put all of our money and we make decisions together. It sounds like you and your fiance need to come to a financial agreement. Is he the father of your daughter? When you take care of your daughter, you are contributing to your household's finances. How could he work if you didn't? What would childcare cost?

I have a lot of respect for full time moms, but I think you should seriously reflect on making your own money somehow. Can you work in the evenings when he is home to watch your daughter? Can you provide in home child care a couple of days a week? Unless you can come to an agreement where he values the contributions you make to the household and you are a full partner in spending decisions, you are at risk for a lot of problems, the least of which is when and how to buy a treadmill.

astrophe · 02-17-2011, 07:27 PM

That's weird to me. I wouldn't use sex as a bargaining chip or a punishment in an argument.

Start at the basics with the conflict at hand. Money.

You say fiancee. I assume a wedding is coming sooner or later. You may even be living together already.

So what's that mean to you? This merging of households?

Is he going to adopt your daughter? Is he going to be the working parent? Are you going to keep your part time job or become the SAHM? Are you going to all work from one bank account? Or is it going to be 3 -- "the house account, my allowance account, his allowance account" style? Or something else?

In my life... I'm a SAHM, and he puts in his paycheck to the house account, then we each get the same amount into our allowance accounts. When I was working? Same thing. I put mine into the house acct. What is in the house acct deals with the house related stuff and basics likes our clothing and whatnot.

The allowances? That's to fritter away on non-essentials and since we each get equal ones, I don't make any comments about his model planes and he makes no comments about my book habit.

What categories are in your budget? Food, housing, car maintaining, power, phone, sure. But what about the computer? Is that a "His allowance" item where he has to save up for his toy? What about the treadmill? Is that a "her allowance" where you have to save up for your toy?

Or maybe you view the computer and treadmill as family items, so it comes out of the house account.

Whatever. The point is... you guys need to actually TALK this out so the money is being shared in a fair way in whatever system it is you decide TOGETHER to use in your partnership/marriage.

GL!
A.

emaline29 · 02-17-2011, 08:26 PM

Lot of good stuff quoted there Phg, needs to be much more communication between you both.
Personally, I have no qualms about the HP bit as long as there is not a high interest repayment situation but seems to me he is just being very selfish in his outlook.
Hope you manage to get things sorted soon.

Nola Celeste · 02-17-2011, 08:39 PM

Walking is free. It may not always be comfortable or practical, but it is always free. You're correct in saying that your health is at stake; where you're wrong is in assuming that it's only at stake if you don't get to make a major purchase. Make it a priority even when the weather's crappy--and if it's crappy too often for that to be possible, walk around your house or march in place.

If you have a "crappy" gym, you still have more of a gym than I can afford. Count yourself lucky there and appreciate the crappy free weights, crappy indoor track, and crappy stationary bikes you have access to; a lot of people are nowhere near as fortunate.

Have you investigated secondhand treadmills? A lot of exercise equipment winds up being sold off for pennies on the dollar because people think they're going to use it more than they actually do. Maybe you can get some of your own savings together to afford one for yourself instead of relying on someone else to buy things for you with his earned income.

Withholding sex is so far beyond my understanding that I'm not sure I can even comment appropriately on it. It's like withholding smiles or hugs; I cannot imagine a quicker relationship-killer.

krampus · 02-17-2011, 08:51 PM

You wanting to lose weight has nothing to do with him. It's frustrating that he won't help you out with the treadmill, but a treadmill is not necessary to lose weight and it sounds like you are using it as a crutch or an excuse. Walking is free and a rain poncho is like $5. If you actually want to lose weight you'll brave the forces of nature.

Withholding sex like that is just going to make him cheat on/leave/resent you. I would NEVER put up with that from someone I was dating, to be honest.

LTs girl · 02-17-2011, 08:57 PM

Why would I punish myself as well? Witholding sex is not the answer.

Call Me Stephanie · 02-17-2011, 09:21 PM

Especially when sex can burn calories! Have more sex instead of less!

aimeebell · 02-17-2011, 09:27 PM

I think it is a bad idea overall. First of all, telling someone you love that you won't have sex with them unless they give you money, really cheapens the relationship to say the least. I agree that if he is the father of your child, and you two are living together as a family, and you are staying home taking care of your mutual child, that you should be considered in making decisions and purchases, but a bank loan for a treadmill doesn't seem financially smart. You can look on Craiglist, I often see them FREE in exchange for removing them from someone's basement. I wanted a treadmill so, so bad, and my brother gave me the one he had purchased from Craigslist for 100 dollars. His wife used it a couple months, then it sat, until he gave it to me, then I used it for a couple months, then it sat for two yearsl, so I would try to find one cheap or free before taking out a bank loan on something I am not 100 percent positive I would use consistently for a long period of time.

LastYearOver200 · 02-17-2011, 09:34 PM

I agree with aimeebell. Don't spend a lot of money first. Got mine about 10 years ago on Jan. 2 (you know New Year's resolution). It might have 50 miles. Do they have garage sales in your area?

The sex thing, I agree with Ltsgirl - why punish yourself?

greeneggsandtam · 02-17-2011, 10:26 PM

Hi Porthardygurl; I think there are some thoughtful replies on this thread. I also think that there are other options that maybe you could explore. (I always get so excited about fitness possibilities.) Port Hardy has a recreation centre and they offer Aquafit- or water aerobics! You wrote that the government gives you money, and maybe it's not the same there as on the prairies - but here they give people who have limited income a reduced rate. Maybe that's an option?
Also I wanted to tell you that I have never-ever-ever seen a home treadmill that comes close to the quality of the crappiest gym. The reason being that gym treadmills are designed for use by several people a day - every day. The home treadmills seem rickety by comparison AND the good thing is that if a treadmill breaks at a gym, it's not your problem. I think it can also seem horribly daunting to join a gym for some people - but if you aren't working you wouldn't have to go when it is busy which is primarily before and after work. I hate waiting to use a piece of equipment! So I don't know if any of this helps but I hope things will work out for you.
(Also about the sex? I agree that it is a sure way to put the kibosh on a relationship.)

ddc · 02-17-2011, 10:36 PM

You can do squats, lunges, marching in place, dancing, jogging, jumping rope--lots of activities in your home with no equipment.

PLEASE do not go into debt to purchase a treadmill that may become an expensive clothes rack.

Good luck

Twiddlebug · 02-17-2011, 11:08 PM

Eeek. I would never withhold sex over something like that. (or most other things). He is right, it is (or can be) a lot of money, and certainly nothing I would take out a loan for.

I honestly think the majority of people with treadmills don't use them, so try the newspaper, or craigslist, and you can probably get one for a bargain. If saving up the money isn't a possibility, what about buying exercise DVDs?