I met someone in a meetup group and we hit it off. We talked a lot and I asked him his age and he said 24. When he asked my age (I'm 41) I indicated that I much older and "well, over 30." That night he got my number, called me, and we have started dating.

Anyway, he still doesn't know my exact age. I have brought up our age difference and he says it doesn't matter. And that he doesn't care what other people or society thinks. So I have dropped the matter.

The dating is in its early stages and we haven't gotten physical yet. We probably will on our next date this weekend. I've never been in this situation before. Age isn't a "problem" that I need to disclose. On the other hand, I suspect he will be quite surprised to find out that I'm over 40. This relationship isn't headed for marriage or anything. He's too young to settle down & I'm not looking for a life partner, atm.

My decision currently is not to tell him unless he asks. And he hasn't asked. Do you think that's a proper decision?

Thanks

But he did ask, and you gave him a vague answer. I'm curious why you gave him a vague answer to begin with? How do you feel about being 41? Did you edit your answer because you thought he wouldn't be interested? How do you think he would respond if he heard the actual number?

I think there are a couple of possibilities if he knew about "41".

1) He wouldn't care at all and the relationship would continue on the road it is.
2) He would care a lot and it could affect how things are going.

If it's #2, don't you think he deserves an accurate answer so that he can make his own decision? Maybe he won't care at all, but he did ask and you sort of danced around it.

Of course he might already know. Teh great Google tells quite a bit about people if a curious mind knows the right questions to ask.

And now some nosy, theoretical questions:

Does he think he's too young to settle down, or is that your opinion (just being nosy here)?

What if he's really 21 but came up with an older age cause he thought it would be more acceptable to you when you asked?

How would you feel if you asked a guy how old he was and he said "Oh, I'll be 30 soon" and then you find out he's 22 and rounded way way up in an effort to impress you?

Personally, I think the age difference is completely irrelevant. What might be more relevant is why you chose to not be terribly accurate before and what's stopping you now.

Anyway, with what all of that advice is worth and $5 you could buy a latte. Feel free to ignore me.

Why is your age a secret? Being vague/lying about/dancing around your age implies that you cannot be trusted. I imagine he really doesn't care or mind at all. Might as well be upfront and tell him on your next date.

Agree!!

I think because it's "new" for you, you aren't really sure how to proceed. I knew a 38 year old who was seeing a 28 year old, and she was bragging about it to the whole world. She loved the label "Cougar". But everyone is different. I say be honest, a "fling" isn't worth heart ache or misleading if you don't see anything serious coming out of it. But if you do, then put it out there. Who knows, maybe he's dated older women before, so he won't be taken back. Good Luck!

My mom's boyfriend is 24 (and for what it's worth, I'm 27!). I find it a little strange... (only because he is younger than me!!) but she told him the truth (she's 51) and he's still around. You can't avoid the question forever, just be honest. "Over 30" probably means 30-32 to him, lol, but take it as a compliment I suppose

I have to agree with the others. Pussy footing around age is not smart. It naturally came up in the conversation, so spit it out. Maybe he isn't wanting to be in a 'serious' relationship and dating someone older is appealing because there's less of a chance that you want something serious. Who knows. But even casual relationships need to be honest.

And, because I'm a sex. ed. teacher, PLEASE use condoms, OK?

Yeah, I agree, just tell him ... 41 is not that old, I am sure he wont even care if he likes you ...seems to be the norm lately ...my 36 year old cousin is dating a 23 year old ...my 35 year old friend is married to a 23 year old, and I work with a gal who is 60 and dating a 30 year old ....so go for it !!!!!!

Carri

Oh My Gosh, the fact that you would have to ask this question is telling and troubling.

Okay, I'll tell him. I honestly don't think he's going to care based on how he has treated me so far. It's me who is struggling with my new designation as 40-something. I can't fathom how the years have flown by.

Also, I think all this "cougar" talk has gotten to me. I was playing Quizzo with some young acquaintances and a guy pointed to a table of women and said, "cougar table." It made me cringe. All of my good friends know my age, but it's not something I disclose at the get-go.

I think I have internalized "ageism" and I am struggling with the concept of what 40 is supposed to be. My mom at 41 was married and had three kids. I'm single, childless, and go dancing all night at NYC nightclubs. I am trying to remind myself that I am perfectly fine. And age is just a number, but I have internalized this belief that 40 is "over the hill."

This man is not looking for a wife and I have no interest in that either. I want to date him and see how it goes and hopefully part amicably. He says he likes me because we are intellectually compatible. I presume he thinks I'm pretty too, but his compliments are mostly on my humor and intelligence.

By the way, I don't care how old or young a man is (well, over 21). When I was 24, I was dating a 39 year old man. It's so strange how things have reversed. I think today's culture is much more accepting of dating across age, race, and religion. And acceptance of gay, lesbian, and transgender people has increased. So, I am very grateful that I can freely date whomever I want.

I can actually relate to you, Caroline. I'm 32 years old, engaged to a 22-year-old guy. The age gap was a troublesome issue for me at first, but I learned later on that age doesn't really matter as long as the two people involved get along. He already knows you're older, so he probably won't freak out if you tell him how young you really are.

Being the younger one in one of these situations, I can honestly say I was upset when I found out this guy was 10 years older than me. Had I known right up front, instead of him tiptoeing around the issue it wouldn't have been a big deal, but the fact that he kept it from me on purpose didn't go over so well, at least for me.

Also, realize this man likely isn't interested in you DESPITE the fact that you are older, but BECAUSE of it. I found that the younger set chasing me was specifically because they aren't ready to marry or start a family and they've figured a woman over 40 isn't going to pressure them for either of those things like women their own age.

I don't think it's that big of a deal. He he flat out asks, "So how far off 30 are you?" or "How old are you exactly" then tell him the real number. He already said he doesn't care, so unless he flat out asks I see no reason why you should bring it up. It sounds like you're both just having fun anyway.

Did you say "Well, (pause) over 30" (Maybe she's 32? or 35?) or "Well over 30" (Maybe she's 40?...or 48?). Because if someone used the comma on me, I probably would not think that it also meant over 40.