Will it ever be possible to feel "normal" around guys again?
 

Ok... I just need to ask... because it's been bugging me... and I really don't know how to proceed. (to make it clear... this isn't something I've hidden from my parents or my counselor, both now about the situation that happened)


In the past, I've never really had many opportunities to spend time with guys my own age.... who spoke my language. Living overseas can do that to you. So... whenever I was around guys my own age, I usually stood off at a distance and just observed... a little afraid of getting closer or even saying anything.

Around three years ago that began to change. I began to talk more to guys, come a little bit out of my shell. I was better online (again... living overseas, you meet people, and the only way to really contact them is through Skype or MSN or something)... but I was still OK in real life. I actually began to enjoy talking with guys...

And then last semester, one of my coworkers began to make very lewd comments to me, about me, making suggestive gestures, and getting in my personal space several times (not touching me... but... there...).

Since then I feel as though I've lost everything I had. I don't know how to talk to guys anymore (I know... it's not that different from talking to girls... you just talk... but... still...). I feel frustrated because I've had guys seem as though they are interested in me, but because of... I guess fear... or something... I say something short and quick and then go back to what I was doing... it's even worse if it's a guy I like too... And then I get very nervous if a guy comes up right behind me... for anything.

And then... also doesn't help that I'm in the fifth school of four years of high school. I was at this school last year (11th grade)... but I'm technically the "new girl" again... since I moved back her for this last semester.

And then all of my insecurities about my weight and how I look don't help.


I feel frustrated at myself for letting this get to me... even though I KNOW it's not my fault... but... I'm just upset. I want to be able to get to know guys. I want to be able to flirt... I want to have a date for prom... I want to be able to have a guy friend. Not necessarily a boyfriend or someone to date... (though I wouldn't mind that)... but I can't exactly have that if I avoid looking at guys except from a distance and just can't seem to carry on any conversation with them... :(

Help?

Ok first things first . . . . this is a coworker making lewd comments to AND about you . . . have you spoken to a manager or supervisor if your still working around/with this person?

That's just not acceptable, at all.

Im sorry for not commenting on the question posed, but that really jumped out at me.

In regards to the co-worker, I agree with Coondocks. You should tell your supervisor. Especially if it is affecting you this much.

In regards to you, and boys...Just be YOURSELF! I have found that being yourself is the best thing you can do b/c you don't have to lie, and most important, you don't have to try. What I mean is, you can have fun and not care what others think! It's great. For those that don't like you for being you, forget about em'! They aren't worth it.

Will you ever be able to talk to guys again? I'm sure. But it might help if you discussed this with a professional. Clearly it is still affecting you and working through those issues will help.

Your co-worker sounds like a jerk. I have worked with guys who pull that kind of thing....mostly its them thinking that if they flirt with girls like that, someone will give them what they want. It's immature, especially if you weren't returning the feelings of being interested.

I agree with other posters about talking to your counselor some about this.

I didn't date until my senior year of college so I can definitely emphasize with you. After that first real experience it gets much easier.... You have to take that leap of faith with someone (just choose that someone wisely).

Finding that source of confidence can seem like a mystery. For me, my turning point was when I started losing weight during my junior year of college. I felt in control for the first time. I studied abroad the next semester and by taking on that responsibility, it completely changed me. I would suggest that you find something that gives you confidence......what's the thing you enjoy most because you feel great about yourself? Focus on that. Take control of that. It will increase your overall confidence so much. You may be perfectly confident with females, but just the fact that you know yourself so well and know what you have to offer the world....will help you with conversing with anyone (male or female).

I forgot to mention, I am no longer working at that job. I resigned early December and haven't seen the guy or been in the place since.

*sigh*

I have started talking to my counselor about it... which is one of the reasons why I brought it up on here.

I dunno... most of the things I enjoy that give me confidence are things that involve just me... that end up making me seem more isolated... like art, singing, crafting, being around animals... I mean... there are a lot of things within those... but I just don't know how to find someone who shares those same interests. Not to actively be looking, because I don't need a boyfriend right now (would be nice though... :p ) but... well... to be able to talk without worrying about how I look or if he's going to think too much into anything and make a comment or two... I dunno.

Thanks. :)

There are all KINDS of things you can do with your interests.

Love of animals.....volunteer once a week at a local shelter. Volunteering makes you feel great in general. Plus, you meet new people....guys who like animals get an A + :)

Singing.....Are you alright with singing in front of people? Are you in choir or anything like that? Even theater...

Crafting....this one's a little trickier lol, as I don't know many guys who like to craft. But forgetting guys for a moment, have you ever been to a crafts type party? I went to a few scrapbooking parties in high school.

Art....this is more of a solitary passion, but still, i'm sure you can find a group of people who share this passion. If you're able to, look at local art classes (outside of school).

If I could go back to the first day of college and give myself advice back then it would be to get involved in anything that interested me. I didn't start doing this until a few years later and i felt like I missed out on so much. I guess I am trying to offer a lot of advice because your situation sounds very similar to how I used to feel. Once I was confident in myself and had my own things going, it was so much easier to talk to guys (and people in general).

Also, as you continue on your weight loss, you will notice that you naturally begin to stand a little taller and present yourself differently. Every food choice we make...and every minute of sweating it out while exercising....it affects us mentally as well.

I was in choir last year... this year I don't have time because I leave early for work (I work at a Vet Clinic... but all the guys who work there... while cute... are like... 25 and older... I'm 18... and they all already have girlfriends... :p ).

Scrapbooking... ehh... naa... there is a group of kids at school who are crafters... but they meet on Thursdays after school... I get out at noon that day and go straight to work...

I should look again at volunteering at the local animal shelter. I haven't before mostly because I was working and then I was just busy with school related stuff.

Then again... I also need to look at barns once more... for riding lessons. Or maybe I'll try to get involved with polo... apparently a lot of the guys at my school are really into polo (not water polo... horse polo... I find it really funny... I'm the poor girl in a really rich neighborhood... :p ). I'm not exactly the most coordinated person... and riding a horse while holding a giant mallet? Ehh... yeah. Really hard.

Thanks so much. I really do appreciate all of the advice, and am taking it in without a doubt. Thank you. :)