Relationship Advice
 

More than anything I probably just need to rant...so..

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. We live together, and work together. We have to keep our relationship quiet at work since it's a small company and might change the dynamics around here. He's 33, and I'm 20. He's divorced, and has been for a few years now.

We're best friends, we have fun doing anything together. We constantly support each other and we laugh all the time.

That being said, I'd like to get married eventually. He does not. I get some mixed signals from him, since I've heard "I don't believe in marriage" but sometimes he'll tell me that he thinks I'm young and he's just waiting for me to grow up. It seems like he thinks I'll just up and leave in a couple of years, and it hurts me because we are "playing house" so to speak...and I'm not too young for that. But I'm too young for a ring. How do I handle this? I don't want it to be a huge issue, since everything else is pretty great... but I don't want to get my hopes up either. I know you can never force someone into a decision like that.

Also, I want a dog. He won't let me get one. Or he comes up with some excuse and says "why don't we wait? it will be better because blah blah blah" but he has a cat. Granted, I love the cat.... But it belonged to him and his ex wife-- who had a freakin' dog.

I feel like these issues constantly nag at me and I have this feeling that something isn't right... Because it's always in the back of my mind.

I'm worried that one day I may have to walk away from a great situation because we can't compromise. :(

Has anyone experienced something similar?

As always, thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement and support.

Some people don't want to get married, some people have been married before and don't want to get married and some people do. If you really really want to get married then he may not be the right one for you. If you love him, love being with him and don't care either way, then I'd suggest forgetting about the idea of marriage and see what happens in the relationship.

To me, it sounds like he is a bit shy about being totally committed because I know people that wouldn't want to get married but would be fine with having shared pets. Or maybe he just really doesn't like dogs.

Having said that, I've also known people to be the type that say they don't want to get married, stay in relationships happy to not be married, then something happens to the relationship and they end up getting married to someone else. I was kind of like that as I was in a relationship with someone prior to my husband, I was happy in the relationship but didn't want to get married. I didn't realize it was that I didn't really see myself marrying _that_ person.

Well, I'm going to sound like a prude, which is weird cause I am not one. But why should he marry you? He gets all of the trappings without the commitment. I'm not saying it's a bad thing or you should say no to sex without marriage. I'm saying he is pretty content with the way things are now and has no reason to change anything.

My advice: move out and get a dog. Get to know yourself and what you really want out of life.

I would love to move out and get a dog. My problem with that is that I don't make enough to live conveniently on my own-- I would have to move out to BFE and drive a ridiculous amount of time to and from work. And if I move in to someones house they most likely wouldn't allow a dog, and I'd be paying more than I do at my current house... and again would have to move farther away. I'm going to have to be really committed and/or stubborn.

This. I am totally not against co-habitation, but when it was time to put a ring on it, he put a ring on it. I think that goes with finding someone who is at a similar point in their life as you are. I was still in college when I met DH and he was already done with post grad, but we both wanted the same things out of life. Not to say people aren't capable of changing, but he's 33 and has been through a divorce already. You're 20 and at a totally different place in your life. Someone...somehow... is going to have to do a LOT of changing (and compromising). It sounds like he's expecting that person to be you.

I agree with Midwife. Move out, enjoy your 20's and get a dog. It just doesn't sound like this guy is at a good place. He sounds a little insecure, actually. The whole "not letting you" get a dog is kind of telling as well. Is he your superior at work?

Now I'm going to sound like a nag (goodness, me being a prude and a nag all in one thread----weird!), but I am going to give you some unsolicited advice.

I got married when I was 19 and it has worked out, but that is very rare. I get to have front row view for women's lives every single day. And I'm going to give you the same advice that I give my kids.

Find a way to be independent. School, training, whatever. Have a way to support yourself on your own (and any kids you bring into the world---but that's another story!). When you have the means to be independent, you will then be able to be with someone because you want to be, not because you have to be.

^^This.^^ I was trying to think of a good way to say that, but... there it is.

I met my husband at the lowest of low points in my life. I was 24, he was... 28. Or 27. I dont remember, it was a bad time, lol. ANYways, what I'm trying to say is that I knew and he knew, and we just knew. If there's something I want, and he knows its for a good reason, he is okay with it, because he wants me to be happy. Same as I am for him. He has a dog. I HATE THEM, but she lives in the house with us. I would personally love to save all the homeless kittens all over Ohio, but I can't, but he's okay that we have 2 (1 was his, 1 is mine) and is okay if I adopt another. He doesn't want another cat, but I do, so... its okay.

Anyway, if you are having a reservations like this:

I think you already found your answer. (The bolded part got to me the most.) :hug:

When a man (especially a divorced man who is now in his 30's) tells you he doesn't believe in marriage, BELIEVE HIM. He is not confused, he is not unsure, he has been there and done that.

#1 mistake women make is not believing or rationalizing what a man says.

Good luck to you :)

We work for an events production company. He's the audio director, I'm the office manager. we're in different departments, so noone is directly above the other. it would be extremely awkward if we broke up on bad terms and had to work together.

Well that's the truth, isn't it?

In the end, whether it's dating or a marriage, for it to work you have to want the same things. It sounds like unfortunately you don't want the same things...you want a ring, he doesn't want that commitment. And you're right you cannot force someone into that, well you can I suppose, but it's not healthy.

I agree with the other ladies, move out and get a dog. You're young, do what you want! Maybe you'll meet that guy that wants commitment! I wouldn't waste your time on someone that doesn't want the same things...most likely he won't change and decide he wants to get married again. I agree with the other ladies, when they say that it sounds like to stay in the relationship, someone will have to compromise and I think he's expecting YOU to.

It sounds like you have reasons for not being in the relationship, but do you have reasons to be in the relationship? Cost of living, awkwardness at work, etc. It may be that the relationship is convenient and there may be discomfort if it ends but maybe that would be the best thing for you.

I don't think it would be awkward if you both decided you want different things out of life. It wouldn't have to necessarily end badly...things "just didn't work out."

DITTO THIS !!!!!

Thank you for all of the sound advice.

I love everything else about our relationship-- he truly is a wonderful guy. I'm very torn between being happy with the situation, or leaving because we want different things. And recently he seems to have become more open to the idea of marriage.... just not in the near future.

It sounds like you might need to have a very frank conversation about whether he is against it now (maybe he feels pressured?) or is against it ever.

As others have said, if he is against it ever, you'll have to decide if this is a deal breaker.

For me, I had around 3-4 things that were "deal breakers" in relationships or getting to know someone I thought about dating. Marriage was one of them - he says no way to marriage I know there's no compromise.

The age difference really doesn't have to be a big deal either. My husband was 32 and divorced when we met and I was 21.

Have you sat down and talked about this with him? That you love him and want to be with him, and want a dog? ;)

We have discussed it before. I think now he doesn't really take me seriously.

I think my approach has always been off though, because I'm normally already upset about it from thinking about it for too long... Like when the cat wont shut up I'll say something like "A DOG WOULDN'T MEOW THIS MUCH!!!!" of course I always get "no, Audrey... It would....bark... a lot. and ruin the floors" and I'll just break down with "why wont you marry meeeeeee" I'm very emotional, and not very rational.

Fast forward ten years- if you guys are still living together, enjoying what you say is a great relationship, but aren't married, will you be happy? What about kids? Do you want them? Does he? Would you be okay with raising them with a boyfriend and not a husband?

If the answer is no- leave now. Not because your relationship is bad, but because it will only be harder to leave five years from now. Don't waste the next five years hoping he is going to change. Some men do change their minds on the issue- but don't count on it.

As for the dog thing- it is a little weird that he is unwilling to compromise on the issue. Especially since he has lived with one before. Since you've said that you don't think he takes you seriously, and you've said that you're emotional and not very rational- it seems to me that perhaps you aren't both on equal footing in the relationship. How does he respond when you break down about his unwillingness to marry you?

My advice- move out. Yeah, it will be inconvenient, possibly expensive. Things will be awkward at work around him for a bit. But, it won't be a bad break up. Just a simple "we want different things" breakup. It's going to hurt for a little while. But, you're getting the opportunity to see what it's like on your own, to struggle some, to find yourself. In time, you'll find a relationship with the right person, who takes you seriously, wants to get married, and is willing to compromise on a dog. (unless, of course, he is ridiculously allergic. In that case, my condolences) And, you'll be able to find that you're not irrational or emotional- but a woman who is passionate about what she wants out of life.

He's 33, not a 23 year old who isn't sure if he wants to get married.

I think deep down you know he doesn't want to get married but you are holding on to the hope he changes his mind. Him being a great guy at this point is irrelevant if he won't marry you when you want to get married.

Don't stay around because you are comfortable paying less rent and living closer.

I also agree that saying you are too young for marriage is contradictory- you aren't to young to be sleeping living with him or sleeping with him apparently.

The mean person in me would probably move out of the bedroom and say I'm too young to sleep with him lol. I know that's immature but I might have done that at 20 years old.

I think you two are on different pages, he doesn't want to get married, you do. I think he thinks of you more as someone he can control more than a woman his age and that's why he likes being with you.

I'd just tell him you realize you want more than he can or is willing to give and that you will be looking for a new place and think that while this relationship was great and he's a great guy you don't want to pressure him into marriage and you want to be with someone who wants to marry you and have kids.

I think he may freak out when you say you are moving out, but you should stick to your guns and leave. After 2 years you know if you want to marry a person or not. I mean I could understand him saying I want to wait till you are 21, but that's not the case here.

Wait a minute cats don't scratch floors? Or mess up furniture? PLEASE. Sounds like a controlling thing to me. What else does he not allow you to do/have?

I've seen MANY women in your situation- and 10 years down the line they are either miserable cuz now they are 30 and still unmarried OR they wised up and left and are now happily married. You don't want to be that girl who is 30 clinging on to "someday."

Oh and if he calls marriage just a piece of paper I'd RUN. That's fine if he believes that but you obviously don't so there's no more point in wasting time- he's not going to change AND he's already been married. It's a been there, done that situation.

I've told him we're going to have a talk tonight about some things because I'm done... I'm not compromising and I'm ready to take a step back.

He has always told me I should be more independent, he really doesn't want to control me. He just bought this house and renovated everything. The cat doesn't have claws. This is really hard.

I had the same attitude as you a while back. I've been married to my husband for a year, but we've been together since we were 15. About 4 years ago we were very unhappy. Both of us were young and needed time apart to grow up. I was staying with him because I thought I couldn't make it on my own. My husband ended up moving back in with his parents a whole state away and I ended up finding a roommate. I went through 2 roommates before finding an apartment that I could afford by myself and my husband and I spent about a year apart. We dated on and off that year, neither of us saw anyone else. We both did some growing up and ended up back together.

I'm not saying that your guy needs to grow up since he is older, I'm just saying there are options for you if you go looking for them. It may not be easy at first to get out on your own but it will be worth it. YOU are young. You need to get out there and get some independence. Move out, get your dog. If he really loves you he'll still be around. If it's meant to be it will be.

Glad to hear you have decided this for yourself, it must be very hard. Good luck tonight :hug:

Well good for you for taking a stand. If he can't look at you straight in the face and say "yes I want to marry you" then you might as well not waste your time.

I'm afraid my bottle of ativan will be gone before the week is over. Ha.

I could always stay with my parents, but I don't have much independence there. I'll most likely move into their place this weekend until I can find something permanent.

Thanks again for all of your support.

Good luck! And congrats on taking care of yourself. It's going to be difficult but you're going to come out of this stronger than ever.

OH BOYYY... everyone is going to bash me for saying this... but I think you should stay. I think the biggest mistake young girls make these days is feeling like every relationship has to end in marriage. If it's fun and you like him now, and things are good in every other department, and the only thing you argue with him about is marriage, I think that is a silly thing to end a relationship over. There's nothing wrong with dating a guy, living in the moment and not thinking about tomorrow. You are so young, you have more than enough time to meet the right guy if this doesn't work out. I think some people are better off dating a number of people before they get married in order to know for sure what it is that they want in a spouse. Being that he is 33 and already has been married, he probably isn't taking you seriously...for now. He knows a lot more about the realities of marriage than you do. If I were you I would stay, not take things so seriously, have fun, and just keep an open mind. He'll either come around and want to marry you in a few years, or things between the two of you will die down and you'll know for sure that he's not for you, and then you'll be sure you didn't make the mistake of leaving a good man because you were focused on a piece of paper, at the end of the day that is all marriage is if you're not a holy roller (which I'm guessing you're not considering you're living with a man).

p.s.- I'm married, I have a 2 year old with my husband, and he still won't "let" me get a dog ;)

luckyme- Thank you for providing a different perspective. Unfortunately I've already moved out. We're still dating and see each other regularly. I'm going to take this time to be young for a couple of weeks before I move back in. Now more than ever it's clear that we really do work as a couple, and I should just chill. I'm just going to hold out a bit longer since I don't want to be the one to cave..... Stubborn, I know.

Also, I miss the freakin' cat...

I wouldn't bash you for saying that. I agree that marriage does not have to be the end goal. I never had marriage for a goal myself but I did get married. I think though that if marriage is something you want and the person you are with doesn't want marriage, then well that is a a pretty major difference. I think that is why a lot of us asked her if she would be happy 10 years from now if she was with him and not married. I figure 2 years is enough time to either think that maybe you want to get married or maybe you are fine going as you are. That is just me. So I'd say if someone wants to be married, has been with their SO for a while and the SO doesn't want marriage, you have to find out if you are willing to give up the idea of marriage to stay with them.

Maybe the problem is, is because you are ONLY 20 and even though you think and know what you want, in 5 years your mind can change because you are still young and you are still growing as a person. He’s already been married and divorced he probably doesn’t want to ever have to go through that again. Do you have your career? What are your goals and ambitions does he know that? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Are you looking at the bigger picture in the long run or the pretty little ring and glorious wedding you can have now?

Maybe he feels you’re not independent enough, or maybe as some people have said he does not ever want to get married again. If you both want different things then its time to move on, but being the age you are I really suggest finding yourself before finding a man to marry. You’re going to grow, change your mind things you want now you might not want in 5 years.

You have your whole life a head of you I don't know maybe it's just me I don't see the point of marrying so young when you haven't even found yourself yet.

I understand the fact that I'm still learning and growing as a person-- and I feel I always will be, but I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I want. And I'm not trying to rush into marriage now. I just don't want this to become an issue years from now, since I don't see us breaking up for any other reason. I feel it will only get harder. I told him yesterday that all I'm looking for is for him to be open to the idea of marriage eventually. I'm happy with him, but I'm not sure if I can settle and be a girlfriend for the rest of my life.

just wanted to say- it took a lot for you to really stand up for yourself and do what's best for you right now. i think this time on your own will give you some perspective, and maybe it'll give him some perspective as well. i hope this all works out for the best.
if you can get an apt or a roommate, go for it. having your own space is truly a magical experience...lol.
and i hope you get that puppy!!!
also- how did your bf react to you moving out? are you ok?

I definitely agree with luckyme that (especially at your age) every relationship does not need to have a ring as the end goal. I'm also definitely not opposed to co-habitation and see nothing wrong with living with a boyfriend. The thing is, when you get to that serious step in a relationship, your lives can become more and more interdependent, to the point that you really are "stuck" if the time comes that you want to move in separate directions. I do agree with MizTac that early 20s is definitely a time to be exploring who YOU are and what you want, and figuring out that it is NOT being a girlfriend forever and that he is not going to change his mind when you are so wrapped up in each other's finances and everything else makes it 10 (100?) times harder to just pull up stakes and go with your heart.

Do what you have to do so that you are not tied down to a situation that he has already TOLD you does not suit you. Nothing wrong with continuing to see him and just let things happen if they may. But don't get stuck!

I think you should live separately and continue to date each other (or other people if you want too!!).

I say this from experience of dating someone who was married and didn't have a great experience being married.

I would like to get married some day (I still feel too young and I'm in my mid-30s!!!) but my BF was anti-marriage because his only experience being married was awful for him. His fear was that the moment that we married, I would turn into an evil wife.

(Nevermind that wouldn't happen, but these fears are irrational....)

I think you need to continue talking to him and understanding why he doesn't want to get married. But you shouldn't live together either. He needs to figure out if he prefers to be on his own or if he wants to be with you, but by living together you're giving him that gray area that might make him happy but it makes you unhappy.

I also think you're too young to be getting so serious so soon. Part of the problem with my BF's marriage was that married really young and they didn't know who they were yet.... years later it turned out that they weren't so compatible anymore.

Give it time, enjoy your 20s and let your BF figure out what is it about marriage that he doesn't like. He needs to know that you're not his ex-wife and you need to be your own person with your dog (and he has to accept that this is who you are).

I don't live with my BF. I used to live with one in my 20s and that didn't end up in marriage, although I wanted it to. This time around, he's keeping his place until we're on the same page together.