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LaBonita 10-03-2010 11:29 AM

Cheater, Cheater Where'd You Meet Her
So as you can see from the title, this post is about a cheating boyfriend. Oh joy, right? I'm just looking for a little advice here. I'm at my wit's end.

I had been with a guy for almost 5 years, and we lived together for almost 2 of those years. He has a son, who is 10 years old, so I was taking care of his son as well. I knew from the beginning that it probably wasn't right....because he cheated on his fiance with me. He told me all these horrible things about her and that he was no longer attracted to her, and that she would be moving out soon....blah blah blah. I believed him at the time, but hindsight is 20/20.

About half a year before I moved out, I sensed he was doing things behind my back. I would catch him lying all the time, and the things he told me just didn't add up. I decided to start spying on him. What I found really hurt me. He had been going over to some person's apartment a LOT. I found his phone records, and any time he was out of the house, he would call this person a lot. I called the person, and a woman answered. He's hispanic, and this girl is hispanic. I know a little spanish. But basically she knew about me and told me (in Spanish) "Your boyfriend is my boyfriend. He is mine." I was PISSED. I confronted my ex, and all he did was deny deny deny. He NEVER admits anything. He just told me "Yeah, if you're calling people they're going to tell you what you want to hear and get you to stop calling them." Yes, the fact that my boyfriend is cheating....that's exactly what I want to hear. Anyway, to make a long story short, he started spending the night on the weekends at her apartment every weekend. He would dump him son off at his mom's and tell me he'd be home later and wouldn't show up until the next day. Suffice it to say, we did a lot of fighting in the last few months.

I wanted so bad for it to work. And stupid me, he made me believe I was crazy and that I just needed to trust him. That I was all he wanted. Looking back now, I can't believe he said all these things. So anyway, I moved out about a year ago. We continued to see each other and talk to each other. There was a point where I started seeing other people. Well, he freaked out and told me he misses me and blah blah blah....and maybe we could work things out. So I stopped seeing other people and devoted my time to him. Well that didn't last long. As soon as I started to give him more attention, he backed away and acted like he didn't know why I was trying to work things out with him. This just baffled me, because he told me he missed me and we could work things out. For the past year, we've gone around and around in circles.

Now I just found out (on my own - I did some investigating) that the girl he was cheating on me with moved in with him the beginning of September. I'm sure you can imagine how crushed and hurt I was. He had been leading me on the past YEAR since I moved out. It wasn't okay for me to move on, but obviously it's okay for HIM? And it's okay to have me on the side??

He refuses to admit it, and tells me I'm crazy (still), and that there's a family that moved in with him, no one important (I'm pretty sure it was the "family" he was going to see when we were still together). I'm so mad. I feel like I've wasted the past FIVE YEARS on this guy. I could have been married to someone that made me HAPPY. But the kicker is, I want to keep seeing him because I want revenge. I want her to find out he is still seeing me. I've already done a few things (I won't say it, because I'm pretty embarassed) to let her know I'm with him, but he's such a master at lying, it obviously didn't work. And I'm about to go to extremes.

It makes me sick knowing she is in the house I lived in with him. It makes me sick knowing he is going home to her. It makes me sick that she's sleeping in the bed we used to sleep in. And it makes me sick knowing she's cooking, cleaning, taking care of his son and trying to prove she's better than me (because I know he complained about me not cooking and cleaning all the time, so she obviously wants to prove she's better than me and does all those things). I'm completely depressed. I can hardly get out of bed in the mornings. I'm a zombie at work and just go through the motions. I'm angry all the time. I'm never happy, and when someone sees a smile on my face, it's always fake. I don't know what to do. I want to move on but I feel so alone. All my friends are married and starting their own families, or they're about to get married. I feel like no one understands. I can't get out and meet people because none of my friends feel the need to go out anymore, and if we do, it's just to go out to eat. I feel like this guy took all the life out of me.

I just need advice. How can I move on? I know you're all going to say I need to stop seeing him, but that's what everyone has been telling me since day one. And what do I do about this need to seek revenge? I feel like my desire to break them up is consuming my life. Sorry for the long, negative post. Thanks for making it this far if you did...

nitenurse 10-03-2010 11:52 AM

dont be upset over a man who cheated on you and only wanted someone to cook and clean for him and his son. good riddance tell him to hire a cook and a maid. geez you should be happy he is out of your life

sacha 10-03-2010 12:14 PM

You have to learn to love yourself enough to let go. If he does it with you, he'll do it to you. You know that now. As someone who went through the same thing as you (I comfort myself now thinking I got what I deserved and karma is a you-know-what), we can only learn from our mistakes, ask for forgiveness (from ourselves and if you are religious, from God), and know not to repeat it again. We do this in the first place (be "the other woman") because we do not love ourselves enough - only loving yourself will set you free from it.

dragonwoman64 10-03-2010 01:17 PM

this guy sounds so extremely self focused, and maybe not able to emotionally sustain a real relationship, who knows?

in time, as you move away from it and can get a better perspective, I hope you'll be able to see that what he did is much, much more about him and not you. that might help with the jealousy and loss. you just may be more sad about the guy you IMAGINED he was, rather than who he really was (unfortunately!)

in these types of situations, it's really easy to let yourself get caught up, and to let things escalate. you can move forward making choices you might be happier with from now on, so you can feel good about it in the future.

I feel especially especially especially sorry for that poor kid, who has be in the middle of all this upheaval and have that be his role model.

so sorry you had to go through that!

pamepinto28 10-03-2010 02:09 PM

Revenge wont help. You will still feel sad, hurt and angry, and possibly be in jail. (depending on what your idea of revenge is). It will probably take a little while but you truely do need to move on. You know deep down that hes no good for you. I understand the feeling of being left out when your friends all have families but you should feel really blessed that you didnt make a family with this jerk. You can walk away without any ties or children for him to teach his horrible ways to. Dont be the dumb girl who keeps going back. Your family and friends wouldn't lie to you, he's no good. If you dont respect yourself enough to demand respect...you wont get it! Hope everything works out for the best!!

ddc 10-03-2010 02:11 PM

As long as you have revenge in your mind, you'll never let go.
Let it all go. There's no need for revenge and you've wasted enough time already.
Time to move on.

Best wishes to you!

Pint Sized Terror 10-03-2010 02:14 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

Please please don't let this man lead you to believe that YOU lost HIM. I know it hurts and you're angry, but remember that you deserve someone far better than him. I know too many women who are with serial cheaters and tolerate it because they love or need him. Take my family member, S. She is married to a serial cheater. He left his fiancee for her. S has caught him cheating twice. Both times he had been involved with the other woman longer than 6 months. S found out the first time because she caught an STD from him. S stays because she loves him, but not herself. She doesn't realize she deserves to have someone love her and respect her as much as she does him.
Think of this as a freeing experience, not a breakup. You got rid of someone who disrespected you, lied to you, potentially exposed you to illness and was overall a terrible person to you. You deserve better!

And as for revenge, the best revenge I've found, is to move on and find happiness. People who thrive on using and hurting others are generally unhappy with themselves and their life. Trust me, I've had a LOT of people who used to make my life **** look at me now and WISH they had me and my life, not to sound like an arrogant jerk, LOL.

catherinef 10-03-2010 04:19 PM

You want revenge? Then move on. Just walk away and wash your hands of this guy. Forget his phone number; don't take his calls. Clearly, he's getting SOMETHING out of keeping you on a string, so cut the string and walk away. Seriously, removing yourself as his backup is excellent revenge.

NiteNicole 10-03-2010 08:57 PM


Originally Posted by catherinef (Post 3506574)
You want revenge? Then move on. Just walk away and wash your hands of this guy. Forget his phone number; don't take his calls. Clearly, he's getting SOMETHING out of keeping you on a string, so cut the string and walk away. Seriously, removing yourself as his backup is excellent revenge.

What she said!

As long as you keep being sad and even angry about it, you're just feeding his ego.

Get on with your life and be happy. Don't take his calls, don't be sad, don't waste anymore of your time on him.

Why on earth would you want a guy who cheats and lies anyway? How does that make your life better?

SouthLake 10-04-2010 04:25 PM

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Cliche? Yes. True? Absolutely!

First off- respect yourself. This is a man who will never respect you because he will never be faithful to you. Don't let him manipulate you into believing otherwise.

As for her- let him be your revenge. As far as you're concerned she can have his ow-life two-timing @$$ because in a year or two, she'll be in your shoes too.

So as for you- block his number. Send any and all of his stuff and everything he ever gave to you back (COD if possible!) take yourself out for a good mani/pedi, enjoy a glass of wine and get ready for your new life. Sign up for a class for something you've always wanted to learn. Make a fitness goal for yourself- running a 5k, competing in a sprint tri, biking a cool route. Buy a new cookbook full of recipes that you are excited to try because now you can cook whatever you want and only have to worry about you. Do things that YOU enjoy, that bring you happiness, and help you feel empowered.

And for your revenge? Some day this loser will call you tryign to crawl back into your life and you'll be able to say "Oh hi there. Sorry I don't have time to talk. I just finished shopping for some new clothes since all my old ones are too big. I need to hurry home and try on my new lingerie while my amazing new boyfriend pours me a glass of wine and finishes the gourmet meal he just cooked for me. Sorry things didn't work out for you and your latest tramp, but do us both a favor and lose this number, mkay?"

emaline29 10-04-2010 04:45 PM

Hi Lb, I can so relate to your experience, only difference is I was married with 3 children under 3yrs old and there was little to no support for women on their own in my day, let alone with children. I knew for years that my husband was having affairs but could do nothing about it, and didn't have any family I could turn to either. Then after about 15yrs when the children were then in their young teens he decided to brag about it to me and finally left. That was like having a zillion birthdays all in one!! It was real hard work keeping things going but I never, ever let him see me upset nor did I try to get revenge and even when my divorce came through I refused ANY maintenance at all! He was absolutely gobsmacked that I didn't throw a hissy fit or anything, in fact, I can honestly say that he was so disappointed that I didn't put up any sort of fight. His face was such a picture that I laugh to myself to this day!!

LaBonita 10-04-2010 05:55 PM

A big THANK YOU and :hug: to everyone. Reading all these posts made my day. You're right, I know maybe right now they're happy, but in a year or two, she'll be in the same position as I am now because he'll get bored with her and move on to the next girl. Obviously he will since he's already cheating on her (has been for the past year) with me. And I've been getting some weird "unknown" phone calls lately, so obviously she knows something is up.

I went to the bookstore yesterday and stocked up on some good self-help books - with the main theme being "single" and working on myself. I'm going to take this time to really learn to love myself again and create a new life for me. I think being single for a while and making myself a better person in the meantime will be good for me. Sure, it'll get lonely at times, but I think everyone, even those in relationships, gets lonely sometimes.

Thanks again for all your great responses! Reminds me why I come here daily in the first place....the support is amazing :D

emaline29 10-05-2010 06:45 PM

Well done you!!
And you are so right about the fact that even married people can be lonely. My sister has a husband who relys on her for everything and won't lift a finger to do anything for himself. When she ahd a very bad back and was unable to barely move, he made himself some lunch and then went into the bedroom and announced that she didn't have to get up to make him anything as he had done it himself, but no mention of making her anything!! She had to actually ask him to get her something!
Time to have some real you therapy and do some of those things that you have had in your mind for a while. I bet I'm not far wrong, go to it girl!

krampus 10-05-2010 09:21 PM

Like everyone else said - living well is the best revenge and it sounds like you're well on your way. Leave that jerk alone in his own dirt, which is where he belongs.

Cookc04 10-07-2010 05:09 AM

Sounds like classic case of the Mistress who becomes the Wife has left a Position Vacant.
Move on, don't wait to see what happens with the latest lady, or the lady after that.
Just drop it and move on. Most importantly Forgive you don't gain anything form holding grudge, you'll just sabotage your future.

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