Even if you believe that "the woman should never say it first," it really doesn't apply to this situation, because he already has said it, and not just in using the simple three words, but also in more poetic ways too.
Do you owe him an "I love you," just because he has said it? Or do you have to hear it x number of times before you say it? (Is there some "magic" ratio of female I love you's to male I love you's?)
Certainly not! But, it isn't the words "I love you," that scares men or women off when it's said "too early." It's the perceived imbalance in the relationship. One person trying to invest a lot more, or a lot less into the relationship.
Nothing ends a relationship quicker than that imbalance. Are you pushing the relationship, or are you putting a lot more or a lot less into the relationshp than the other person? If you're well-matched, and putting in about the same amount of effort (not just words) and seem to be getting similar amounts of enjoyment from the relationship, that is something to build on.
It's not the saying "I love you" (first) that scares people (not just men) off - it's the imbalance. If one person is trying to slow down the relationship and another is trying to steam roll it ahead, that's a relationship that isn't going to work.
It's not a "game" either, and it's not restricted to one gender. Pushing a relationship ahead of it's natural progression will creep out male or female. My sister dated a guy who said "I love you," on the second date and asked her to marry him after less than two weeks of dating. And when she said "No let's take it slow," he bought her an engagement ring less than a week after that. When she broke it off (no surprise) he became her stalker. His "stalking" relationship with her lasted about 10 times longer than their actual relationship.
I don't think it's the "power dynamic," as much as it is people (the sterotype is men, but it's really true of anyone)not liking to feel pushed into a relationship they're not ready for.
There's no magic in saying or not saying the words, it's a matter of the equality of the relationship. There are folks who never say "I love you," but mean it, and there are people who say the words and don't.
I agree that if you don't feel ready to say the words, then don't. But more importantly, pay attention to what you're giving and getting out of the relationship. If there's a huge discrepancy, then it's time to talk - about that. Most people don't want to be in an unequal relationship. Feeling like you care a lot more for the other person than he/she does you is no fun. But its no fun being on the other end either, when a person wants a lot more from you than you're willing or ready to give.
Brown, that just might be the solution I'm looking for...lol....minus the throwing up part! Can I just say, "I love you, no I don't I'm drunk" ?
I know for sure that I'm tucking that one in my back pocket for a rainy day! Just think of the variations we can play with that stem from that. I love it! It's like a "Get out of jail free" card.
I think there's middle ground here that can be used. First off, if he didn't say it accidentally I would think his feelings would be hurt if you didn't at least acknowledge it. I don't see a problem w/ you telling him that it caught you off guard when he said it the other day and you were curious as to whether it was accidental or if he really meant it. You don't have to say "I love you" back, but I don't see anything wrong w/ telling him that you are developing strong feelings for him that you think could eventually develop into love and that you hope it doesn't scare him away. Sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk about things and see what you both think. Him telling you that sometimes you've got to take a chance, to me, is him hoping that you're going to say it.
say it when it feels comfortable and natural to you. if you're feeling awkward and nervous, then I'd think there's something making you feel it's too soon or "forced". what's the rush.
Personally I wouldn't say it but then that's because I'm an old cynic and the last guy I said 'I love you' to then went about psychologically destroying me for four years. I am never going to tell another man that I love him again because it just ruins things. I'm never going to have another relationship again because I don't trust any man not to act like a complete idiot. And besides, they're all just a bunch of big children that, once you're with them, you have to do everything for and they complain when you don't.
Plus they think with their wahey-sticks and not their brains.
Yeah, ignore me, I've been burned too badly to ever fall for this gushy 'love' stuff. If it feels right to you, then say it. I'm just saying, be SURE that you want to and be SURE that he's the one, because if he isn't, then your life may well be ruined.
If there's one thing I've learned about men all these years...is to NOT be the first to say ILY. Blow away the fluffy cupid clouds & sugary hearts to see it clearly...it tends to put you at a disadvantage as a female. I'm sorry, but the one who cares the least almost always has the most control. In addition, men are much slower at processing their feelings than we females are. I'd wait for him to say it again...seems like his saying it without being consistent is a bit odd, IMO. If he meant it...you'd KNOW it. No guesswork involved.
"Sometimes you just have to take a chance" ... great, so let him eat his own words and take the chance & work for you. Allow the masculine to woo the feminine. Have fun being pursued. Have some game & don't be so eager to let it all hang out. When a man says it without being led or prompted perhaps out of return obligatory reasons, it means more. Fact or not, no matter...just my opinion. Wishing you two much happiness!
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Originally Posted by gonnadoitthistime
Let him know you care by the way you behave, let trust build, if he says it again and means it the way you want him to, you will know it, and if at that time it seems like the most natural thing in the world to say it to him, then do. Be in the moment, you can't plan this stuff or get a consensus as to what to do. It needs to be an expression of what you feel consistently, not a passing emotion or an attempt to get some emotional reward or to move the relationship to another level.
