Son Repeating Kindergarten....Not WL Related...
 

Well, I found out yesterday that my son has to repeat Kindergarten.

I can’t say that I didn’t sort of see it coming, but it still felt like quite a blow and I took it pretty hard. I’m not generally an overly emotional, super sensitive or easily discouraged person…but when it comes to my little boy, I’m nothing but raw emotion. And it’s torture to think that he’s been struggling, that he doesn’t understand things that he should, that he’s so far behind his peers. It makes me feel a little helpless and a little clueless. Of course, I think he is smart...but do I not see things that everyone else sees so plainly?

And I know, I know, it’s not the absolute end of the world…but it’s a setback we weren’t prepared for. I didn’t know it would bum me out so much. Will his friends make fun of him? Will he give up and feel like a failure because he isn’t becoming a big first grader? Will he even try anymore? Does he know I think he’s amazing? Will people treat him like he’s slow or stupid now?

I was definitely a little defensive during the meeting. I know that the school is looking at the best interest of my child, but I could not handle it…the way they were talking about my favorite kid in the world…like he was so different and had so much trouble…almost as if he's stupid.

Can any of you relate? You guys always have such wonderful advice…I could use someone to relate to me. I feel alone. I’ve never personally known anyone who had to repeat a grade or whose kids had to. My family has always exceeded academically and I feel like even though it’s just Kindergarten, they are going to be disappointed, blame me, and treat him differently….

It's Kindergarten, and it's becoming fairly commonplace to repeat it for various reasons. As for how it will effect him down the road... I doubt it will. He'll be slightly older than some of the kids in his class, unless of course he started kindergarten early, (which would put him on track).
but that's really the only difference.

Why do they want to hold him back? Is it academic or is he not maturing at the rate of his classmates? Either way, it's nothing to be worried about. Better for him to repeat now, than later when it will have a bigger effect on him and his learning.

I wish I could give you a big hug right now :)

I know that may feel like a real blow to you -- but it isn't the end of the world if he has to repeate Kindergarten. -A LOT- of kids do. It's nothing you did and you haven't failed him in any way! And it doesn't mean he isn't smart or will always be behind the other kids. I'm sure he's plenty smart!

He's still yours. Still absolutely amazing. And still the coolest kid on your block :)

That said.. did the school offer any suggestions on what he's having trouble with and how to help him? There's still alot of time left in the school year and that age group picks up new skills super quick. Maybe he just needs to be taught these things in a different way!

My nephew was held back in kindergarten. It wasn't shameful to him or to the family. And kids don't make fun, just so you know. (He's 20 now :D) Grew up perfectly fine!

Chin up :)

Do not let it discourage you. I don't know about your school, but where I am from they have a class for the kids that do repeat kindergarten, so they are all together. I really do not think kids will make fun of him, not now or down the road when he is older. My best friend repeated kindergarten. We did not meet until high school, but we know everything about each other. He said no one ever made fun of him for repeating kindergarten. Many times kids repeat just so they can catch up at a maturity level. That was the case for my friend, as well as his cousin who repeated and graduated at the top of his class in high school. I know all this is not coming from the view of a mother, but I hope my friend's experience helps you.

Is this the first time you've heard from the school about him struggling? Because that would really make me mad - you're half way through the school year! What kinds of things is he "behind" in? Are they things you can work with him on? Do they need your consent to hold him back? Do you think he actually needs to repeat, or do you think they're over reacting?

I chose to hold all three of my boys back. They all started kindergarter at 6. I did this due to all of the statistical data on the maturing rate of boys and success in school. They are all now teenagers and at the top of their classes. I do not regret it at all. This could be a great move for him!!

ThicknPretty,

This is pretty common in children, especially boys. I've never had children, but am an Elementary Education major and we are told that this is a common age for this sort of thing.
My sister was also held back in kindergarten. But she is brilliant, even more so than most of her peers. Just a few months ago, she won a national title while traveling with her academic team. Don't worry! Your beautiful boy probably just needs maturity growth not academic. And that is sooo common for boys!!! Don't worry! Good Luck!

I used to be a 3rd grade teacher and you have no idea how many kids should have been held back in kinder or 1st and weren't because the teachers just didn't want to. I probably held back about 4 kids total but I also referred them for additional services because they were already sooooo far behind, being in a reg. 3rd class wasn't going to help.

I would say, look at it as a positive, the 2nd time around he will feel more successful and be able to be higher functioning when he gets to 1st grade!

My son repeated kindergarden and it was the best thing that could have happened instead of struggling that next year he flourished. He is a senior in high school this year. He has a 4.9 avg and will graduate with honors and is off to an ivy league college in the fall. So don't worry everything will work out for the best

I held my son back from entering kindergarten for an extra year. It was obvious that he just needed that extra time to mature and gain more preparedness for the demands of school. I was really glad I did it. It's not uncommon for boys to need that extra time.

Even with that extra year, my son struggled with letter sounds and spelling through the early elementary years. Nothing that was extreme, but enough that he wasn't at a level one would expect. I knew something wasn't quite right and I asked the school to have him tested, and while they didn't seem too interested at first, I pushed until they did. He was tested and we found out he was dyslexic. Well, that explained alot! It had nothing to do with intelligence, but the learning disability was keeping him from achieving at his potential. The district then offered help through the school. Dyslexics need to approach learning in a different way, and now I am happy to say that he is in junior high taking honor courses with an A average!

Don't let what the school told you discourage you in the least!! Take it as a blessing that your son's struggles have been recognized and not ignored. Another year in kindergarten may make all the difference in the world, and years from now you will be so happy you did it. If he continues to struggle, ask the school (or maybe even ask now) if they will consider testing to see if there is an underlying concern. It is the school's legal responsibility to educate your son and to detect reasons that may be hindering learning!

I know from experience how difficult it is to hear that your child is struggling. It does come as a blow. I had the same worries as you, about how my child would feel about himself and how he would take things. He was sandwiched between two sisters that excelled academically, which was difficult too. But we just did our best to reassure him and build up his confidence.

I do strongly believe that the early intervention he received is one of the reasons he is doing so well in school now. Take heart, things will work out for your son!!

I had my son repeat grade 1. He is 29 now, never looked back. He was tested in grade 11 and came out in the top 3% of all the students in the school.

My daughter was held back too, but our school district has a plan called Developmental First Grade for immature kindergartners. It was such a blessing. There were 15 other kids in her class, so take heart, he's not alone.

She's 20 now and she did well in school. She was the president of the student council in the 8th grade and the yearbook editor. I think it had a lot to do with her being more mature than her peers.

(((Hugs)))

The county I went to 2-12 grade in had a "grade" in between kindergarten and 1st called "readiness" for those not ready to move on yet. The fact that they have that tells me it's common enough. I was in a different county that doesn't have this for kindergarten and first, otherwise you better believe they would have put me in it! I have mild ADHD, and the school wanted my parents to medicate me and put me in special ed (this was why we moved to another county). I've managed to make it through my whole life without medication, and by high school I was in honors classes. I'm sure my early teachers wouldn't believe it.

I was never asked to repeat a grade, but just wanted to let you know that students can struggle in early grades and go on to thrive later in school.

Thanks so much ladies for all of your helpful responses. It helps so much to hear from others in the same position and those who have more experience with the early elementary years. As he is my first and only child, this is all new to me.

The word they keep using to describe him is “immature”. At first, I bristled at this. How could a 5 year old be immature? But I know they mean developmentally. He doesn’t seem to retain information, his language is behind (I’ve learned the distinct difference between speech and language) and he doesn’t interact with the other kids at the level he should be.

However, he is reading and has made a lot of improvements. The more I think about it, the more I think this will be best for him. I just worry about how it will affect his self esteem and what he will think next year when he sees the other kids moving on and he isn’t. I’ve considered letting him change schools, but he’s already so accustomed to the school he goes to now and everyone knows him, I think it’d be best to let him stay in a familiar environment.

It seems to be more of a behavior and maturity issue than intellectually. He will be going to special language development classes twice a week. And yes, they do need our consent to hold him back. They all seem very convinced that he isn’t ready for first grade though…

If they think he needs to be held back, I'd allow them to do that. There are so many kids that get pushed through when they should have been held back. This is a great opportunity for your son and shows -- as much as it may hurt -- that the staff at the school do care about his longterm success.

There have been a few kids in my daughter's classes over the years that have gotten "held back" -- one in pre-k, one in kindergarten and another in 1st grade and none of those kids have had any trouble whatsoever socially.

Maybe you could ask the school if there are any families they know of with kids coming into kindergarten next year and try to have a couple summer playdates with his future classmates. Having new friends to look forward to seeing next year will help lessen any hurt that is caused by seeing his old friends move on. :)

Both of my little brothers were dropped back a grade this year...it was there first year in public school (we had homeschooled previously) and they were put in 1st and 3rd....they hated school, it was torture for them. When the school decided to move them back a grade after about a month, they were devastated...for about two days...now they enjoy school. Both have made tremendous progress. As far as I know, nobody has ever said anything to them or made fun of them about it (although what sane kid would pick on someone who had 4 other siblings at the same school ;) )

I've been teaching elementary school for 8 years. In my experience schools take the issue of holding children back very seriously. They are more prone to pushing kids through than holding them back unless it's absolutely necessary. The sad thing about this is that there are too many kids pushing through grades when they are not ready. You wouldn't believe how many 5th graders I've taught that do not know how to read.

In your son's case be glad that it is a developmental thing. It sounds like academically he is doing well and will continue to do so whether he repeats or goes on. However, if his maturity level isn't there yet then do not doubt that it will interfere with his academics.

Children develop at different rates, there is no evidence that a child being left behind in kindergarden will effect his later academic career in a negative way. Quite the opposite in fact. Have no worries about kids making fun of him. Kids that age don't really view things in that way until later. Even if they notice that he's left behind for a moment they will quickly forget about it. There's very little drama at that age.

Gotta jump in here, too. My daughter was held back in 4th grade, so I know where you are coming from. You feel so sad and you really start questioning what you have done as a parent. I beat myself up for a long time, thinking I didn't do my job very well. But, honestly, my daughter was immature compared to the rest of the kids in that grade and she was struggling so much that she pretty much just gave up. The next year, she did so much better and regained a lot of confidence. She's in 9th grade now and she has not had any regrets about it.

Also, the other kids NEVER said a thing about it. I think it is handled so much better than it was when I was a kid, that the other kids are ok with it and still accepted her.

You'll be glad this happened! Maybe not now, but someday!

My first reaction was to tell you that he will be fine if you hold him back but on reflection, I think that you really should try to consider all aspects of this. It is an important decision.

We held our youngest son back in Kindergarten and I think that it was the best thing that we ever did for him. He was immature and just not ready. Since he was my youngest, I think that I had probably babied him too long. After that second year of Kindergarten, he excelled at school. He also adjusted fine socially. He is 23 now and I am very glad that we held him back.

I think that it helped him that DH and I took all the blame. We told him that we wanted him to stay another year in Kindergarten to give him another fun year. I did not want him to feel that he had "failed". In later years when his peers realized that he was older, he would always shrug it off saying, "My mom couldn't stand to let me grow up and kept me back in Kindergarten." He would usually get the a "Yeah, MOMS!" kind of reaction from his friends. They really didn't care but were curious. But part of my point is that they did realize he was older and did ask about it.

Not to want to say anything negative but you do need to consider the negative aspects of keeping him back so that you can make an informed decision. You do want to consider his self esteem and how this will impact it.

In thinking about his self esteem, I think you might want to consider his size. Is he an average size for his age or bigger or smaller? My son was small. He was usually the smallest kid in his class even though he often was the oldest. Physically no one could tell that he was older, so he fit in very well. A coworker and I talk about this fairly often. She held her son back and regretted it. He was very tall and physically large for his age. Being older and naturally large, he always stood out in school. He was teased by other children all through elementary school. She says that academically, it was a good thing but socially, it hurt him.

It may be too soon to tell, but do you think he will be interested in playing sports? Are you and your husband interested in him playing sports? Teams are often grouped by age. If he is older, than he may be in different leagues than his classmates. Do you think that will affect him?

I don't think that there is any doubt that it is the best thing academically. I have another child that I wish I had held back. She struggled throughout her education and then decided not to go to college. If I had held her back in Kindergarten, this may have totally changed. I will never know and sometimes wonder. Maybe I should have held her back. A crystal ball sure would have been nice!

Anyway, it is good that they are talking to you about this now and not making it a surprise at the end of the school year. Don't let the school rush you into this. Weigh the pros and cons. Ask to talk to the school counselor. Your son is lucky to have a mother that cares so much!

To address the questions…

He is an average size child. As a baby and a toddler, he was always a little big for his age. He’s built like his dad…broad shoulders and narrows down. But I’d say he’s about the same size as all the other boys in his class.

As for sports, I hope that he’s interested, but I don’t have a preference. I want him to have extracurricular activities, but it doesn’t matter to me if it’s music or art or a club of some sort or sports. I just want him to be well rounded.

The thing that makes me think it is probably for the best: picturing him in a first grade classroom. I’ve heard so many times that first grade is drastically different from kindergarten and a huge adjustment. I cannot picture him sitting in a desk for extended periods of time, focusing, retaining all of that information, etc. I think he would be very frustrated. I don’t think he has ADD or ADHD, I just don’t think he’s grown up enough to settle into that type of environment. I can’t throw him to the wolves to save face for now…

I think that you have answered your question. Trust your instincts because you know your child better than anyone else.

It usually has nothing to do with academics, and more to do with maturity and social skills. I was not allowed to skip a grade, although the work at my grade level was boring for me, and I could easily have done the work at the next grade up. The reason was that my social skills were not developed. The school compensated by allowing me to do extra work after I completed the regular assignments. And in third grade, my best friend ended up "retained" at the end of the year, rather than promoted. She took it hard, and the teacher tried to console her with "you were just too little." Meaning, I think, immature for her age.

I completely understand where you are coming from. It is always hard to deal with something when it comes to your child. My brother was held back in kindergarten and it was the best thing for him. He was taller than the rest of the kids in his class, but now at age 27 - he is 6ft seven in, so he would have been taller regardless of being held back.
As an educator, it is definately in his best interest to repeat kindergarten now, then to fall behind later. I see children in 8th grade who would be such better students if they had been held back when they were younger. The curriculum builds on prior knowledge from previous years, so giving him the opportunity to really understand those basic concepts is more of a reward than a punishment.
Don't take it personally, each child is different and learn in their own way. I would suggest that you work with him over the summer in some of the areas where he is struggling to make his next school year a success.
Lots of Luck!