It all depends on why they are crying. Most of the time when I have seen a man cry it is because they are tender hearted. Maybe they are crying because they feel sad about something, or are feeling bad for someone else. Can't stand whiners, though.
When you say "us" do you mean your family, Americans, or humans?
I completely disagree that crying is a sign of weakness - I think it is an essential outlet for very strong feelings.
Hi, Robsia!
When I said "us", I did mean just my family.
I agree that strong emotions require an outlet - the question I am asking myself lately is, do the men in my life have other outlets that perhaps I don't see?
I have no trouble continuing the way we (my family) are with my own as long as emotions are being vented, safely and effectively, in some way other than crying. In other words, I'm OK with teaching my male children to not cry as long as they are provided with an appropriate and comparable alternative.
I don't think people need to bottle up - I just don't know if it must be tears.
And please don't get me wrong - I can, frequently enough, be found curled in a tiny ball, hidden away behind some locked door, sobbing into my kitty's fur.
I dont think its a turn off when my boyfriend cries, in fact it really upsets me when he cries because that means something is really bothering him. He doesnt cry often but I cant expect him to hold in all of his emotions just because "men dont cry" thats unhealthy for anyone
I'm OK with teaching my male children to not cry as long as they are provided with an appropriate and comparable alternative.
I don't think people need to bottle up - I just don't know if it must be tears.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure there is an appropriate and comparable alternative. Usually the "comparable alternatives" to expressing strong emotions in tears, is usually anger and hostility (turned outward or inward). I'm not sure they're better alternatives to tears or "bottling up."
I think the error is in attributing tears to weakness. If I had to kill someone to save my life or to protect my loved ones - I'm pretty sure I could do it - probably not without shedding tears before, during, or after.
I tend to tear up more easily than hubby, but he is the more emotional person - he always teases me for my hatred of "sap" on television (He's a much bigger fan drama movies, even "chick flicks" than I am. Thank God he likes Comedy and Sci Fi Fantasy too).
My all-time worst, blechiest, most-ever hated movie in the world is Titanic (Come on, let's have a little bit of realism here - If your best friend came home from a cruise and told you she dumped her fiance, to pose naked and have unprotected sex with a stranger in the cargo hold - you'd think she was at best a slut and at worst an idiot - now take that back almost 100 years and it's supposed to be "romantic?" Yeah, I think not).
When hubby does see me crying during a movie, he teases me about "what about your hatred of sap," We've had the discussion - and I do like movie drama, and deep emotions- I just don't like fake, manipulation of those emotions.
And I have to say the same of people. When I feel people are trying to manipulate others with emotional displays (whether it's anger, tears, smiles, or kisses) I'm uncomfortable - but when they're natural and spontaneous reactions - I think they're appropriate.
I had a loser ex boyfriend that couldn't be bothered to get off his butt and get a job even when I was working two AND struggling to pay the rent and pay bills and buy groceries... yet he'd literally cry all the time when we'd fight or over something completely stupid... usually because he was feeling bad for himself which he really had no right to feel so! Add to that demands for clothes and stuff he wanted, occasional violence and verbal and mental abuse.... well, yeah, I definitely came to loathe him, and his tears (in my mind I was like $#%&@ crocodile tears!!!) and his "weaknesses".
For years after that relationship, I wondered if I was somehow emotionally set against men who cried for some reason... being raised in a Mexican family where it's considered a no-no for the men to be seen crying.... yeah. I was kinda wondering if the way/people I was brought up around had affected me that much.
Then I started dating Mr. Right over a year ago and he's also from a culture that doesn't consider men crying to be alright. I'd never seen him cry until one night, when joking around, I allowed him access to my 7 year old online blog. After reading about my past... all my pain, my years of drug and alcohol abuse, the thoughts on the people who'd hurt me (family, friends AND ex-lovers), and even the many, many times I contemplated suicide (I had serious depression issues in the past)..... I received a hysterical phone call from him. He literally sobbed for an hour about what I'd gone through and how he didn't know if he was "man enough" to be with such a strong woman who'd overcame as many things as I did.
Needless to say, after I picked my jaw up off the floor and consoled him for about two hours.... and we finally hung up... I realized that on the right guy, at the right time...... it's the most beautiful, trusting, loving thing in the world. That's when you know Mr. Strong/Mr. Right really loves and trusts you enough to break down in front of you.
He hasn't cried since then, not even when his dad went under the knife recently (and BOY was he stressed about that one).... but even if he never does again, I don't think that I'll ever forget the one time he did.
Last edited by starfishkitty; 12-29-2009 at 06:01 AM.
i dont mind when a man cries...it actually kind of makes him more attractive to me...like the intimacy of him sharing his emotions with me makes me want a differnt type of intimacy...
I despise all the silly double standards that exist for men and women.
I think men should be able to cry without being called weak and women should be able to be powerful without being called a b*tch.
I'm not "turned off" by a genuine expression of emotion, I think it's incredibly attractive to be real, human.
This is exactly how I feel. There is nothing wrong with anyone showing any form of genuine emotion.
TIARA~I'm curious as to why you feel uncomfortable when someone cries in front of you? Are you uncomfortable with your own feelings? Is it because you think that this person is weak and you are disgusted? Is it because you feel you have to do something about it? I'm not attacking you, we are all entitled to our opinions, I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.
I found this thread very interesting. I'm a crier. I cry. At. All. Times. I'm just very emotional. And when people console me, it makes me cry harder (which I HATE!)
I wouldn't mind my man crying in front of me. I don't really remember it ever happening (when I had a BF, that is). However, I do think that if he were overly emotional it might actually bother me. I think. It would probably be OK as long as I don't see him as weak because of it. THAT is unattractive.
My boyfriend cries at sad situations, movies, etc and I really don't see it as a problem. I believe he is closer to me and more emotionally connected because of it. I never thought of weakness, but actually as a strength that he can surpass the barriers that other "American" men cast over their own emotions.
Hi, kaplods! I am a huge fan of your posts, by the by!
I won't pretend I know of a healthy alternative to crying - and I have no one to ask. The men I know admit that sometimes, when something very sad happens, they have trouble swallowing. Then they clear their throats and move on. Frankly, I'm amazed every time they admit they have emotions. Usually when you ask how they're feeling, the answer is either "Hungry." or "Tired.". Deep, deep feelings, fellas. <sigh>
I do appreciate your thoughts though - it's an issue to raise when one is considering embarking on the parenthood voyage. I don't want my son to have no emotional outlet. I don't want him to be stunted in terms of feelings.
We're all raised in the culture we're raised in. As much as I try to push the boundaries, I'm as much a product of my culture as anyone else. I can say that I like guys who show emotion, but the fact is I'm just as likely as any other woman to be turned off, by what I consider extreme display of emotion (or non-emotion, for that matter).
A person of either gender who never responds to anything with even the hint of emotion, isn't verr attractive or interesting, either.
My hubby and I both get annoyed with the other, for withholding emotional content. It's difficult to communicate, when you don't include emotional content.
For us, it's usually about choosing a restaurant or activity. "What do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to go?" Becomes a battle, because neither of us wants to reveal our opinion until AFTER we get the other's opinion (because we both want to please the other person).
It drives us absolutely bonkers (and becomes a battle of "I don't care, what do you want" - I don't care either, what do you want).
For us, it's usually about choosing a restaurant or activity. "What do you want to do?" or "Where do you want to go?" Becomes a battle, because neither of us wants to reveal our opinion until AFTER we get the other's opinion (because we both want to please the other person).
It drives us absolutely bonkers (and becomes a battle of "I don't care, what do you want" - I don't care either, what do you want).
Oh, I so dislike that! My girlfriend does that all the time. I'll ask: "Are you hungry?" and she'll say :"I could eat, but I don't have to. What do you want to do?". I'm asking because I want to know what SHE THINKS and wants!!! Oh, so frustrating. I keep telling her that I'm a big girl and I can speak up for myself, that if I'm asking her for HER opinion or feelings, it's because I want to know how SHE feels!
