This got horrendously long ~ sorry!
I've always felt uncomfortable, to the point of nauseous, if I make anyone cross.
If I make anyone cross that matters to me deeply, there are not that many of them, then I am wrecked, totally, totally wrecked.
I've never much thought about why before, just tried to avoid it. Of course, that has given rise to all kinds of internal conflicts. Not that I try to annoy people, of course, but I have very rarely if ever put my needs before another's, and if I've felt that they should have regarded mine before theirs but not done so, on most occasions I've just swallowed it down. Not thought about why, particularly.
So I had that telephone fall out on Sunday with one of my closest friends. Completely from nowhere he started yelling and repeating the phrase he wanted me to agree with over and over again, completely running over the top of whatever I said. It's not the first time recently, and it felt like being held down and punched verbally, so I walked away from the call. He was exceptionally p.d off. I assume he still is, haven't heard.
Sunday night I barely slept.
Monday I could think of little else. I was distraught. I was convinced he would call off our friendship, call off our next trip in September, cut me off totally.
Tuesday eveing I rang him. Now, there is a reason why he's under huge stress and pressure at the minute, I can't give away his secrets, just please believe me I'm not trying to excuse him. I'd have gone off my head in his shoes. At the same time, telling me he's Not stressed by it all but adopting over recent weeks some seriously bullying behaviours towards me is not an option.
So I told him that [those who could have done sthg about the stress/still could if he'd go see them] were treating him disgracefully; asked if he'd made an appt to see them yet; assured him of my unqualified support and sympathy in the situation; told him how his behaviour had made me feel on Sunday (careful to say it was the behaviour that had made me upset, not that I didn't like/care about him) and that I'd had to protect myself from that treatment by walking away from it; that there was no point me saying I was sympathetic without offering practical help, and suggesting a number of pieces of work I could help out with to give him some respite.
He said he would ring back after his evening appointment. He hasn't.
I didn't sleep most of Tuesday night, again convinced it was The End.
By Thursday, having reviewed what I'd said on Tuesday, I decided I'd done the right thing: said what had annoyed me, offered my support both emotional and practical. There is no reason why it should all be At An End, and I've no reason to think it is. I assume he's embarrassed/busy/stressed/being a man and just hoping that if he doesn't deal with it it will go away. That's OK, I get it.
What I don't get is me. What is it in me that is so utterly, totally, crushingly devastated by my daring to stand up to someone, state an opinion, disagree? I assume it's something in my early upbringing on the lines of, if you do that I won't love you any more. Poor parents, I know mine meant nothing but good but they haven't half screwed me up! but it was accidental. It has been described by a counsellor in the dim and distant past as emotional abuse and I see that: but it was not intentional and I need to move on.
Any ideas how I do? I don't see counselling as an option, can't imagine convincing a National Health Service GP that I need one. Can anyone recommend any self-help books or strategies?
Finally, after 54 years, I've discovered that I'm so self-deprecatory, so passive before the face of someone stronger because I'm afraid that if I do otherwise they, basically, won't love me any more. That's unlikely to be true but how do I convince my heart?/inner child?
Thanks for reading.