okay so, it's like this... I have always been a shy, reserved, unconfident girl. I have a low self esteem and daddy issues (mine are he left and never came back so I have those "fear of rejection men issues"). Anyways, I have a boyfriend and actually a very long term relationship we've been together for years and I plan on staying with him and someday getting married. Part of the reason I think I've stayed with him so long is that I am just afraid of him leaving me and I'm afraid to be alone. We had a rough couple of years in the beginning but we worked past it. We grew together and we've built a life together. I want to be with him for the rest of my life!
But, sometimes I crave attention from other guys... And really since I've been pretty much a chubby fat girl for the last 6-7 years, I really haven't had it. Well besides drunk guys at bars who hit on anybody. And it basically comes down to that. I go out with my girlfriends and my boyfriend absolutely hates going out so he usually stays home or hangs out with his guy friends at home. There were a couple cute guys who seem to have given me extra attention the last few months and I don't understand it cuz they're hot, lean and beautiful girls are always flirting and hanging on them. But basically these guys are manwhores and I heard someone say once that those type of guys usually look for girls with low-self esteem that way they can sweet talk them and girls with low self-esteem let themselves be used or they are more susceptable to the "attention". While I think every girl is flattered and happy when a cute guy gives them attention some girls don't need it cuz they have a high self esteem and have high self confidence.
Anyways, so one of guys works at place I frequent and now I feel like he thinks I just go there because of him and I hate talking to him because he always says things to me about how cute I am, how fun I am, and other things. And I hate it cuz I love it. I love the attention he gives me even though I know he would just use me and it's kinda of exciting and makes me feel good and makes me feel confident and sexy and ugh I hate it, cuz it makes me feel stupid for gushing over this guy and makes me feel guilty cuz I have a boyfriend I love and know he loves me. I also know that its like a drug or alcohol -its a false sense of confidence, it gives me a little rush and then when I go there now I almost want him to come over and talk to me. I just need to stop going there and I need to focus on my weight loss and my life at home.
I just wish I had a better self-esteem and I didn't need to seek out 'bad habit' type confidence boosters! It makes me giddy and makes me want to puke at the same time. What is wrong with me? I feel like such a ho!