am i a prude(Please don't read if offended easily)
 

ok this is bothering me for awhile now and I don't know why. like I said this is a semi sexual conversation so please don't read if you will be offended! first my background I'm 34 had one relationship in my life that was only started last year and come to find out he cheated on me the whole time and is the source of this post. I have been intimate with 4 different people and have been known to watch the occasional adult movie. I got into this "relationship" with someone and he told me he can't deal with my insecurities. His problems with me 1.I prefered to be covered with a sheet after sex and when we were just in bed watching tv naked. apparently a problem for him. 2. he has a hot tub. he thought I should have no problem getting in that hot tub naked with his friends and roommate(who is in his 60's). I don't even know these people!
just a little about this man he's 26 has playboy mags all over his house his roommate turned on a porno the first night I met him which to my boyfriends credit he made him turn it off. he used to work in a strip club where his sister was a stripper. he has taken his dates to strip clubs and they get on the stage to strip and as long as they go home with him he doesn't care. You get the idea.
now back to me. Like I said I am not a virgin and do imbrace what little sexuality I feel I have at this point. I do not think being naked in front of people I don't know is ok. I don't think going to a strip club with your boyfriend and then stripping yourself is appropiate. I don't think turning on pornos with people you just met is ok. just sitting or laying around naked is not comfortable for me. last night a group of friends and I went out for dinner and drinks. right next door is an adult gift shop she just had to go get some crochless panties in. so we went I stood there thinking what is the point and then thought wow this stuff wouldn't even have a chance in **** fitting let alone looking sexy. they were having a great time looking around I just looked at keychains and bumper stickers. luckily I drove myself so I just left and went home.
my goodness this is a long post. sorry But I have to get this out. almost done.
anyway back to dating that one guy. we were sitting around they were drinking like they tend to always do and I wasn't drinking like I never did. that damn roommate said I was a prude!!!!! for whatever reason that hurt my feelings. after everything I have wrote in this does everybody here think the same thing??? I feel like I'm the only youngish female in the whole country that doesn't (in my opinion) act like a slut!
Ok thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest. I also wonder if this one of the big differences of slim and obese people.

I don't think you are a prude but reading your post I have one question.

What do you see in this guy? He sounds pretty immature and may be looking for a good time and if that is what you are only looking for then ok but still.

No. I'd say this guy is taking advantage of the fact that you're doing what society conditions women to do, which is to bow to whatever a man wants and define that as her "normal."

This guy should like a creepster. You're not the weirdo here. It's them and if I were you I'd run the other way. There are lots of normal guys out there who would respect your boundaries (which sound pretty reasonable to me) and not call you names about it.

Yep, that's my question too.

I'm married, and I'm young, and I'm not a slut by any means. What my husband and I do is private, and we enjoy it, but he would NEVER EVER ask me to be naked infront of anyone except him. He would NEVER talk about our sex life to other people because it is none of their business.

Your first instinct is right, he is a total loser. Or is that MY first instinct? Anyway, that's what he is.. DOn't ever let anyone make you do something you don't feel comfortable doing. I would drop him like a bad habit right now. If he can't understand your feelings for not wanting to be in a hot tub w/ strangers (!!!), how will he act over other things that are important to you?? And to make you feel guilty for not doing things - YUCK.
Dump him.....just my 2 cents ;)

NO, not a prude. Perhaps, have normal boundaries.
This guy sounds like a pretty big jerk. IMHO.

But, I'll share something that happened to me when I was about 18. There was this guy. We were making out on a beach. He wanted sex. (new guy to me) I did not want to have sex. (i was a virgin, not really important but, a fact) He got angry and called me a prude. And we left the beach.

It made me feel bad. Even back then I wondered why I felt so bad. My refusing to have sex was entirely fine with me, but still, I felt bad about being called this name.
Years later I saw this man. I was able to be angry about the story by that point. And I said no when he asked me out. :)

I don't think you're prude either. I do however, think this guy is no good and his motives are questionable. and before I met my husband I was kinda slutty- so even I think what you described are normal boundaries.

The first steps to getting you under control are seeing what you're willing to put up with or do for him. I don't think it has anything to do with sex either. It has to do with power.

Stay true to yourself! Having respect for yourself is no being a prude. It sounds like you are too good for this guy in my opinion!
Good luck!

I don't think it's an obese thing. Sometimes we just date the wrong guys...and there are tons of warning signs. But typically if I'm sleeping with someone...I'm comfortable enough to not care if they see me naked. I don't know. I can do anything a skinny girl can for sure. It's all about attitude.

Whoa! I don't consider myself a prude and the situations you have described would make me uncomfortable, especially with new people. I think this young man should respect your boundaries, and if you don't want to have "naked time" it shouldn't be expected of you.

I guess I would have to ask how you would define "prude."

There's a big difference between not wanting to be naked in front of other people or tolerate disrepect and being closed to sexuality. Working as a stripper is not the same as looking around an adult store. I'm far from slutty and have found it entertaining to look around (although I admit I was somewhat disturbed by blow-up doll "Fatty Patty, She's Large and In Charge"). Sexuality need not be all or nothing. It's a spectrum of behavior. The great thing is that you get to define your boundaries and what is right for you. If a guy doesn't agree with or respect your boundaries, then you're just not sexually compatible. Nothing personal. It's possible to appear to be a "prude" or a "slut" to someone else but to be completely satisfied with your choices.

No your not a prude. Going to and adult store is a personal preference and some women and even men don't like going in them besides why would you want to pay for dirty mags and stuff when you can get everything you want online. I don't like being naked when I am by myself much less being naked in front of some random people that could qualify for my parents. Ewwww!!! Good for you in getting rid of this jerkface, you don't need him and you deserve better. Everyone has boundaries and most peoples are not all the way out in left field like this guys was.

Here are my thoughts on the subject:

Prude, not prude, slut, not slut, etc.

If you don't want to do it, don't do it.

You don't need to justify or explain yourself to anyone.

:hug:
~CGH~

A man who is interested in you as a partner would not do the things this man did. A real man would make plans with you, take you out for a dinner or something similar and respect your boundaries when you do not invite him to bed for the first little while. This is a man of RESPECT.

A man who does the things that your guy did is a man who is simply interested in sex and has no respect for you as a person. I'm sorry, but that's what he is. No respecting man would have done what he did. Remember, YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU. If you don't stand up for yourself and your boundaries, who will? A man will pursue a female but it is up to her to put the brakes on the boundaries. Whether this is right or wrong - this is how to earn the respect of a man.

*PS- I am certainly no prude either. My partner and I will watch adult films together, have 'board games' and enjoy a healthy sex life. That being said, it took him a while to figure out that "side of me" actually existed. Don't offer yourself on a platter. Make him work for it. A man who isn't willing to, is a man who is only interested in sex.

/end rant. I learned the hard way myself.

I don't consider myself a prude, and what you wrote would be totally off-limits to me too (except lying around naked sans a sheet) -- imo, there's nothing wrong with having limits as to what you're sexually willing to do in public or around strangers.

Like I said, I don't consider myself a prude -- I consider myself *discerning* and really, you seem discerning too -- sadly, it seems this guy and his friends are looking for women who AREN'T discerning in what they will do.

Prediction: This guy will fool around for the next 5 - 7 years with many girls who will strip in public, appear naked in front of his friends, etc. and then when he's around 32 - 35, he'll marry a girl he'd consider a "prude" now...

I didn't like lying around completely naked when I was skinny or fat. Just not my thing. My DDs and I are pretty liberal living on our own, but for some reason I don't like just walking around in front of a man naked without expecting it to lead to something. It's just the way I am and I don't have to explain it or even examine it.

I dated one guy who thought it should be "naked land" all the time when I was at his place and would get "batty" when I would come out of the shower with a towel on. I just figured if things heated up, the towel could come off pretty easily. I never did change my behavior to suit him.

And considering I met my X when I was working at a strip club(I was a bartender/waitress, thank you) one would be pretty hard pressed to call me a prude. There are things I like to do that other folks wouldn't and there are perfectly normal things others like to do that would creep me out. No biggie. Different strokes for different folks.

LOL, well... I usually don't fancy walking/lying around completely 100% naked, but doing so on occasion isn't out of my comfort zone, esp. if right after sex...

I generally do not enjoy casual nudity -- I kind of agree that it should be saved for specifically sexual situations.

I may be the odd one out here. :)

I'm going to say this first: If what these people did was outside of your comfort zone, then you had every right to say "no thanks" w/out being called names. It's obvious that they have different opinions and feelings about their sexuality than you do ... and there is NOTHING wrong with that. We're all different.

You should never be forced to do something that makes you uncomfortable, or called a prude for being uncomfortable.

But. There are a handful of things in your post that stood out to me and I really want to comment on them.

I totally understand not wanting to be naked in front of strangers. Possibly because I'm used to the natural hot springs crowd who have no qualms about stripping down and popping into the springs naked in front of strangers, I don't have a problem with this personally. But I understand how someone else might not want it. But I have to ask .. what does someone being in his 60s have to do with the price of tea in China here? Are people in their 60s not allowed to have sexual feelings or feel comfortable being naked? At what age do you think it is ok to be naked in a hot-tub vs. not be naked in a hot-tub?

My guy is pretty heavily into porn. I don't have a problem with this at all. He reads porn blogs, even has books on sex and sexuality in his office. Yes he reads skin mags as well. Again .. there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. If it affects your feelings for him or your relationship with him, then obviously you guys are not compatible in this area. That doesn't make him OR YOU a bad person. It just means you have a very basic incompatibility when it comes to what's acceptable.

And you are totally within your rights to feel that way FOR YOU. But it's not ok to judge other people for believing that it is ok. Like I said, I've been to lots of natural hot springs before and to nude beaches where nudity is simply accepted. I've watched porn with people who I barely knew before (mostly I get the giggles, rather than get turned on - porn is generally pretty funny to me). I've gone to strip clubs with my guy and had a good time. I've even taking a stripping dance class and stripped for my guy (again, the giggles hit halfway through), although I must admit I probably wouldn't do it at the strip club, since that kind of exhibitionism isn't my thing. There's nothing wrong with any of that.

When my guy and I are alone, I often walk around naked - or lounge around naked. Sometimes I'll even drape myself across the bed in provocative poses or sit on the sofa in a provocative way just to tease him. I think it's fun in a sexy, teasing sort of way. I also buy sex toys and sexy outfits all the time. I have quite the collection actually and my guy and I love them. The last time we were in DC we hit a pretty well known sex shop before dinner just for fun. That doesn't mean YOU have to like the idea, but you shouldn't judge others if they enjoy it. And just for reference, I'm your exact same height and weight, and I enjoy wearing sexy outfits for my guy ... and I think I look pretty darned good in them. Apparently so does he! ;)

But this is the key statement that I have a problem with. Given what you've said, and your opinions, that means that you probably think *I* am a SLUT. Now think about how your feelings are hurt for being called a prude for your opinions on sexuality and think about how others might think that you just called all of us sluts for having different opinions and views.

I don't think you are in the wrong to want to be in a relationship that is comfortable for you or for telling this guy that you just don't think you're compatible in that way. I do think you're in the wrong for judging ... and for holding the opinion that anyone who is more ... sexually open, shall we say .. than you are is a SLUT.

FWIW.

NO, you are NOT a prude! By my definition, a prude would be someone who never wanted to have sex, got offended any time the word "sex" was mentioned, and was very, very traditional in regards to the old, Victorian norms of what sex should be only due to being afraid of/disgusted by exploration. :)

As everyone else mentioned, that guy was a JERK and it's good that you broke up with him. Was he good looking? By his awful personality, it sounds like he might have been :lol: It's sad to say, but (from my experiences), some really hot guys are completely unappealing in many other ways and act like total jerks around women/towards their partners because they think they can get away with it since they're under the firm belief that they are God's gifts to women.

I, too, dated a guy once who just wanted to be NAKED ALL THE TIME! I didn't mind being naked sometimes, but other times, I just wanted to cover up! I weighed 120-125 pounds at the time, so it had nothing to do with weight, just personal comfort. I get cold easily, too... and while I certainly DO NOT think I am a prude by ANY stretch of the word (I am a very sexual person sometimes, actually), I just don't want to be sexual ALL the time. Men and women are very different in that respect. It isn't a question of whether you're being a prude, either; it's a question of biology and chemistry ;)

Well, actually, no that's not really the definition of "prude". A prude is someone who is overly concerned with what is "proper". It's most often used with regard to sex, but it also applies to thoughts about anything that there could be a morality judgment about - drinking, drugs, sex, partying, whatever.

Now, I don't believe the OP is a prude at all. :) But the idea that someone who is prudish "never wants to have sex" is really not accurate.

.

Amen to that!

I do agree with Photochick's message, too -- just like you don't want to be called prude for having narrower boundaries than your ex and his friends, you shouldn't go calling anyone else a slut for having broader boundaries than you do. You seem like a nice person (as far as one can tell over the internet!) and I'm sure that in person you're nothing but respectful, but it is something to think about.

Not that I'm condoning the ex's actions -- his boundaries aren't the issue so much as his inability to treat you well. I can't believe he made it seem like YOUR fault that you two weren't compatible. He does sound pretty immature.

Your not a prude, you seem like a pretty open woman with appropriate boundaries. This guy is immature and doesn't respect you. Frankly he just wants you as a toy, good that you got out now.

And anyone whose boundaries are wider is "inappropriate"?

This is why I get kinda riled up about these kinds of threads. Who gets to decide what is appropriate for someone else?

I'd like to see some of the people in this thread take a step back in the passing judgment area. Just because you dislike something does NOT make it inappropriate for someone else.

.

Everyone is different. Your former boy and his friends have a standard of what is "normal" (sexually speaking) and you have a standard of "normal." If you dont think your a prude, then your not. Dont listen to anyone else. Dont do anything that you're uncomfortable with just to prove something to someone. Dont worry about it. :)

I think you may be jumping to conclusions. You see stories here of women who don't ever like to be naked, even with those they are intimate with. I wouldn't even call them prudes but I think its a major self esteem issue. Someone who walks around naked in front of others may have a higher comfort level than those that rather be naked in front of only certain people and both can be considered healthy versus someone who doesn't even want to see themselves naked. Although personally I hate seeing women in the women's locker room just walk around naked, can't they use a towel, is that so hard? Of course my comfort level in the locker room is to not be naked at all and I put the basics on in the shower stall. Of course I digress.

In the terms of the original question asked, I would think the OP seems to have boundaries that I would consider no where near prudish. Her comfort levels are probably even higher than many because personally I have no interest in going into a strip club myself. I rather not see strangers naked but thats just me. (although I have been to a nude beach but it was a bit odd for me)

I didn't read it as judgment at all. I read "appropriate" as meaning well within norms. As might be lots of other and different people. When I say one person is appropriate, it does NOT logically follow that someone who is different is therefore inappropriate. More than one thing is allowed to be appropriate ;).

So in a sense I agree, sometime it helps to take a step back.

Honestly Nelie, I don't think I am. I'd be happy to take this private or to another thread if you want, but I think I'm making a valid point.

And please don't think I'm angry or anything. I'm not at all angry or upset; I am trying to point out that we all need to be careful about our words when dealing with something as "touchy" as sex and individual sexual boundaries.

Labeling something as "inappropriate" should be left to things that really *are* inappropriate across the board. Labeling individual choice as "inappropriate" is ... IMO ... um ... inappropriate. ;)

I *totally* agree with this. And I would never, ever, in the least call the OP a prude because she didn't have that comfort level.

But then I wouldn't call myself a slut or say I was behaving inappropriately because *I* do have that comfort level.

That's exactly the type of judgmental type of speech/writing I'm requesting that people think about before they post. :)

.

Oh I think it is important to make people think but when I read the 'appropriate' comment, I took that as to mean not prudish rather than the other side of the spectrum. I guess it is how you want to read it and I'd sometimes peoples intentions aren't what you think they may be.

The dictionary defines a prude as: a person who is excessively proper or modest in speech, conduct, dress, etc.

Do you think you're a prude? No. Do you have values and morals and standards? Yes. Does your ex have a problem with your standards? Apparently. Do you? No. You are wise. :)

To other posters . . . um, just wanted to say . . .. TMI. Just . . . TMI.

*thud*

I give.

.

Sorry if I stirred the pot. :o
No, I am not saying being comfortable with nudity is at all inappropriate but I was saying that it not uncommon to be uncomfortable being nude with strangers. And being forced to so something one is uncomfortable with is inappropriate.

no judgement meant. truly. and I did question my own words when writing them b/c I realized they could have been taken the wrong way. but I couldn't in a short time frame find more "appropriate ones." :D

GOTCHA. :) That makes sense to me and I agree totally.

Sorry for misunderstanding/misinterpreting. :)

.

Good lord, you are NOT a prude - he's a sick individual who has control issues - one jerk usually attracts others, meaning his friends are just as slimy.

There's a difference between healthy sexuality and harmful - and he's deffinately on the harmful side.

I'm happy that you have gotten rid of him, if no - RUN!

What a putz.

actually in my post I was assuming that she didn't think they were appropriate for her. No judgement here.

Just because you are not comfortable in those situations and don't put yourself out there like that, that does not mean you are a prude. Different people have different levels of sexuality that they are comfortable with. Please don't take this the wrong way, as it is not a bad thing, but you have not had many partners, 4 @ age 34. You obviously have huge respect for yourself and need more then just a "connection" to jump into bed with someone. If those people are comfortable with things like that, more power too them. They should not make you feel uncomfortable for being at a different sexuality level, just as you should accept whatever level they are at.