Okay, so here is the story. Last year, I was able to choose what dorm room I wanted to be in for this year and who my roommate would be. My friend and I decided to be roommates. We both said we wanted the bed by the window but never ended up coming to a decision since I figured it would just work itself out. So about two weeks ago I asked her what day she was planning on moving in to the dorms, the options were Thursday the 25th, Friday the 26th, or Saturday the 27th. She told me on Saturday, and I told her I was planning to move in on Thursday but was planning to come back home til Sunday since I have plans for the weekend. It was a coincidence that I would be moving in before her but I admit I was pleased because that meant I could get the bed I wanted. On Wednesday night I texted her asking if she was still moving in on Saturday. But she didn't answer me. On Thursday morning my dad and I left my house at 9 am to drive down to school, which takes about 2 hours. On our way there my roommate texts me saying "Oh I already moved in, I'm here now". Which means she must have left her house at the crack of dawn to be down there that early, meaning she probably got there early so she could be sure to get there before me. I immediately knew she'd taken the bed I had wanted. And yes yes, I know I had no claim to it and I was planning on taking it too...but the thing that really bothers me is how sneaky she was about it. When I'd clearly told her when I was moving in.
Now here is the other piece to the story, my roommate lives within 10 miles of where I live so last year she would ride home with me whenever I went home since she didn't have a car. She never paid me all that much for gas, but it never bothered me since I figured I would be driving there whether she was with me or not. So when this whole bed thing went down, my dad, who always wants to make a deal, told me to tell her that if she wants rides this year she needs to give me that bed. But since we've both moved all of our stuff in that would just be a hassle. Now, she's been asking me if I can give her a ride down to school on Sunday with me... I really liked the idea of leaving without telling her then when she texts me asking about it I'd say "Oh I already left, I'm here now." Very petty and spiteful but what can I say? I am irritated. Of course, I am not going to be quite so rude, I do have to live with her....but I don't want to do nothing.
So here is my question, what do you think I should do?
Personally, I'd resist the temptation to get even; give her the ride, but you can ask something for it, if you want to. I think you should have tossed for the bed, and made an agreement to switch HALF-WAY through the year, to be fair. When you pick her up, I'd say ... "OK, you get the window for the first semester; and I get it for the last one." This way you both win; and you can live with each other peaceably all year! BTW, hope you have a great year too!
ROSEBUD
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 09-26-2008 at 09:32 PM.
I can understand why you are annoyed (I feel annoyance on your behalf), but you were pretty much planning on the sneaky approach too, by getting there first and then claiming the bed.
You guys should have compromised. Like the other poster had said, something about one gets the bed by the window one semester, the other the next.
Make her contribute to gas, you're not a taxi cab. There's nothing wrong in asking her to pitch in.
BTW: What's the big deal with the bed by the window anyway???
i say....have a great big ole fight. screaming, yelling, hair pulling, and biting.
JUST KIDDING!
tell her what you told us. and then agree to not be sneaky with each other. and if she wants a ride, be honest and tell her you want $$. but if you only want the $$ cause you are mad?
let it go.
or say your dad said you have to ask for gas money this year.
haha well, its not that either bed is bad. But the way the room is set up is that there is a partition in the middle of the room, so when either of us are sitting in bed we can't see each other. It's just that the one by the window, is further from the door so it has a bit more privacy. Its not that the bed I got was bad. And I know I had no claim to the other one, I guess just the fact that she told me she was moving in on Saturday and then happened to move in at like 8 am the very first day seemed at bit sneaky or even manipulative?
And you're right, I am planning on telling her upfront that she needs to be paying her half for gas each weekend we go home.
DRRose, I definitely think she was trying to be sneaky! I can't believe she did all of that just over a bed. Are you SURE this is a girl you want to room with? This is a whole year, you know! You might end up strangling her.
You never know, there could be BAD things about being by the window. - My second roommate at school was by the window and she was freezing all winter - I think you should suggest switching over Christmas so you each get the best of both worlds. - the moving would then be a non issue, at least at my school we had to take our belongings home with us then anyway.
DRRose, I definitely think she was trying to be sneaky! I can't believe she did all of that just over a bed. Are you SURE this is a girl you want to room with? This is a whole year, you know! You might end up strangling her.
That is why it is important to "clear the air" now. College is a time for learning and having fun, but is also a time to learn to deal with adult conflicts. If y'all continue to play sneaky, one upping it will only go down hill.
You may have been more open about when you were getting there, but you should have also asked about the bed in your text or agreed to discuss it once she arrived. Deliberate omission is not the same a honesty. Her omission does not grant absolution.
As far as gas goes, when we carpool to work everyone pays the driver the amount of gas used based on the # of people riding, unless we are taking turns. 1 rider pays 1/2, 2 riders each pay 1/3 and so on. Since she is not taking turns, you(or your parents) are paying for gas and upkeep. It is only fair that she help out. You fill up before y'all leave, then fill up when you arrive home, and she pays half the total upon arrival. Just be careful how you tread in light of the previous situation.
Good Luck and enjoy college life, the world is about to start opening up for you.
Mrs. Dorson, I am in the Portland area but am going to school at UO.
Thanks to everyone that has given me some advice, I was feeling upset about this being the way the year has started. The truth is I had some doubts about rooming with her before we chose our room last year, and even checked through out the entire campus for a single room but they were all taken by the time I was able to sign up. I figured I'd be better off rooming with someone I already knew than with some stranger. But maybe I was wrong..
I will just stay positive, and may bring this up to her when I go back to school. Either way, I don't want to start the year already holding a grudge.
Personally, I say be the mature one and LET it go! As it was already pointed out she beat you at your own game! And your right, it's PETTY... now if she starts stealing from you, snooping, then think how to handle that!
As for the rides, ask her to help with cost of gas! Tell her the cost has gone up since last semester (and it has) and you can't foot the bill by yourself, but would be glad to have her along! and ten miles is ten miles away no matter how you stretch it!
Mrs. Dorson, I am in the Portland area but am going to school at UO.
Thanks to everyone that has given me some advice, I was feeling upset about this being the way the year has started. The truth is I had some doubts about rooming with her before we chose our room last year, and even checked through out the entire campus for a single room but they were all taken by the time I was able to sign up. I figured I'd be better off rooming with someone I already knew than with some stranger. But maybe I was wrong..
I will just stay positive, and may bring this up to her when I go back to school. Either way, I don't want to start the year already holding a grudge.
If you have some doubts and concerns, but don't feel like you can change the roommate situation right now, then at least try to keep everything as out in the open as possible. It will save you both a lot of grief. And sometimes, you find out people aren't as bad as you thought, but you can't tell if everything is not in the open. And if they are a problem, you'll also be better off being up front and direct.
Go Ducks! (I work with a guy who graduated from UO.)
Time for a little empathy here. Imagine you are her, and your friend asks you when you are moving in, then she makes what seems like a special trip to move in before you do so she can get the bed she knows you want, because why else would she drive all the way to move in when she already had plans for the weekend and could just move in on Sunday, anyway? So, you think about this and get madder and madder. How dare she be so sneaky? You're not going to stand for that! So, you get up really early on Thursday and drive down there and claim the bed. Take that, roommate! You're not going to push ME around. Then, in retaliation, your roommate forces you to choose between the bed and rides she was giving you before and that don't take her out of her way, especially when you were giving her what money you could afford. Oh, yeah? Well, I just won't ride with you and, on top of that, I'll make it a point to turn on loud music when I get up early in the morning after I know you've been up late. And the revenge goes back and forth. What a miserable way to live.
Good deals mean both sides get something they want and maybe have to give up something they want. How would you feel if the situation was reversed? If you were told that you either had to give up the bed or not get something you were already getting before?
It's a BED. People are more important than things. I'm not saying you should put up with being disrespected, but there's a big difference between that and doing whatever it takes to get what you want.
What do I think you should do? Here's some ideas:
1. Ask yourself how you expected this situation would resolve and try to get a clear look at motivations, both hers and yours. Some potential questions to ask yourself: From your past interaction as friends, does she really know it's a coincidence that you happened to be moving in ahead of her? Have you ever done anything that would give her reason to believe you'd make a grab for the bed? Has she ever done anything like that? Did your decision to move in on Thursday have anything to do with you hoping that you could beat her to the bed? Did the two of you even talk about switching off the bed halfway, or was the plan just to see who could grab it first and hope that the other person would just accept being beaten?
2. Give her a ride on Sunday. Trapped in the car together for a couple of hours is a good opportunity for you to be honest with each other. Do be honest. Tell her that you were surprised that she moved in earlier than she'd told you she was going to. Tell her that you'd wanted the bed by the window. Tell her you don't want things to be bad between you this semester, and does she have any ideas as to how to avoid that?
3. Listen with empathy before you respond. Hear what she's saying without getting defensive or petty. If you'd moved in on Thursday, after all, and she told you she'd wanted the bed, how would you have felt and what would you have said to her? You don't have to answer quickly. You can take time to think it over.
4. DO NOT try to settle this by text or e-mail, not when you can do it face-to-face. You can't hear a tone of voice or catch other clues as to someone's intentions just looking at words.
College is a tremendous opportunity to make some good friendships. I'm still in touch with one of my roommates, and I'm 36. Another one, I ended up moving into a single because she just could not keep her hands off of my stuff, and that was too much.
My daughter just started college this year and is rooming w/a friend and is suitemates w/another friend (two girls in one room, two in the other and they share a bathroom). They all went to h.s. together, all took broadcasting together and are all tv/film majors. Actually , the other two girls found out about this school from my daughter.
Something my daughter figured out: While she actually likes the suitemate better than her roomate (don't get me wrong, she's friends w/both but you know how you just sometimes like one friend a little bit more? it's like that) she choose to live w/her roomate because she knew they'd fight less and get along better. She knows she made the right choice.
When she was in the process of applying and all, the school made a good point. They said that your roomate doesn't have to be a friend in order to be a good roomate and that sometimes friends don't make the best roomates.
Is the partition removable? If so, you can always rearrange the room. But really, I wouldn't do anything. It's only for this school year and that time will get in. Learn from this experience and if a similar situation arises you'll know that discussing it first will help you avoid the situation you're in now.
As for gas -- my daughter, her roomate and suite mate all live w/in a few miles of each other. The past two times my daughter came home, I picked them up and someone else took them back. It's pretty convenient and no one splits the gas because eventually everyone will be doing the driving. But, if the other two never drove I'd absolutely expect them to chip in for gas. Yes, you'd be coming home anyway even if your roomate wasn't but that isn't the point. Has your roomie ever offered gas money? She should; it's the considerate thing to do. But if she hasn't I'd nicely ask her for gas money. If she refuses then I'd stop giving free rides.
Hey, best of luck to you at college! Hope your experience is wonderful and everything you want it to be.
Need advice
There's nothing wrong in asking her to pitch in.
- I think you should suggest switching over Christmas so you each get the best of both worlds. - the moving would then be a non issue, at least at my school we had to take our belongings home with us then anyway.
