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mollymom 08-30-2008 10:19 PM

Anyone Happily Single?
 
I have pretty much come to the realization that I am probably going to be an old spinster schoolmarm (turning fifty in November, no off-white wedding in sight). I have been engaged twice, lived long-term twice, but never made it to the altar. Something just wasn't right each time. I keep joking that I will find Mr. Right, but he will be in the adjacent wheelchair in "the home".

Mostly, I am very very happy on my own. I do better on my own....I guess I don't play well with others. I do however, get frustrated that somehow I don't fit into the mathematical equation of equalities when it comes to dinner parties etc. but then again, I don't much love socializing either.

I am not saying that I wouldn't like for the planets to align, and the heavens to open, and the angels sing, and I find the one man on this planet that could put up with me, but in the meantime, I am so much happier/satisfied/calm on my own. I will never forget painting a basement bright..and I mean bright, coral, the night I finally threw someone out (after two years of soul-destroying criticism), simply because a) I loved the colour b) BECAUSE I COULD..no compromise, no negotiation..is my damned basement and I can paint it purple with green stripes and turquoise spots if I so desire...(well maybe it is good I settled for the bright coral) LOL

I have joked for years that I would love to be married, but could he live across the street? The artists Kahlo and Rivera had adjacent houses in Mexico, joined by a covered bridge. Is that too much to wish for? How about a house with two wings with his'/hers bedrooms, his/hers bathrooms, his/hers offices and an intercom system for those.."frisky" feelings! Sorry but at my age, there is NOTHING romantic about sharing a bed with a snorer or blanket hogger...I want my own damned bed!

This is still very much a couples' society however. It can get lonely, when you realize you haven't been included because the event was "all couples". I am of two minds...one loves my "single, answer to no one, run my own show life", the other longs to be part of the accepted "couples" equation. Any thoughts?:?:

Operator265 08-30-2008 10:32 PM

I AM SO WITH YOU, SISTER!!!:hug:

I've been divorced for 5 years and I love it. At first I didn't want to have a man in my house and around my DDs, but, I've come to realize that I just plain like being single.

I also would like to have a BF to share time with but, as you said, he really needs to have his own place. I've always liked the idea of adjoining condos, with a lock on each side of the door(just like at the hotels):D.

I've got the guys at work and at the hall to promise to shoot me if they ever hear me talking about getting married again. I prefer a quick and painless death.:s:

nelie 08-30-2008 10:36 PM

My thoughts are 'who cares?'

Really do what you like. Yes, it does seem like a lot of things are couple focused but you don't need another person to enjoy life.

I was happily single and really planned to stay that way and shortly after I reached that conclusion, I met my now husband. He basically had to hit me over the head and say 'hey, look its me over here, we are good friends, i'm really interested in you, etc etc' because I was not interested in dating at the time and had to think about whether or not I wanted to change my stance. It wasn't an easy decision.

I do think society can make being single difficult but I did quite a few things I wanted to do before I started dating my husband. I also sometimes lament the single lifestyle because there are certain aspects I do miss :)

Operator265 08-30-2008 10:39 PM

Oh yeah. I am a bit of a Pain in the A** to live with anyhow.

spinky 08-31-2008 01:08 AM

Never married. Never lived with a man. Never in love. Happy as a clam in many ways. When I did make a list:write: of what I wanted in a man I got just what I asked for and I got my dog, Charlie. True story. He is every thing I asked for but, like the monkey's paw theory, I didn't say he needed to be human. I miss the "benefits" of a man but he and I are like a couple of old-fart marrieds and I love him to death:love:. He's a wonderful father to our children - our four cats. When you ask for something be specific because those tasked on the other side:angel: to make the arrangments must laugh their heads off:lol: when you miss something that may be significant. I've never met a man as important as my Charlie.:hug:

Loriann7 08-31-2008 01:20 AM

ok, I'm happy being single. Every time I think I might want a husband I look at my friends and how unhappy they are.

NAh, seriously, I have single handedly raised my son. and love the single life.

But I will admit since he moved out... the empty nest syndrome sucks. I don't think it'd be that bad if I were working... but being home 24*7 sucks! Walking the dog and shopping do NOT count! LOL

But when I think of finding someone... I remember... "I'd rather want someone I don't have, than have someone I don't want!"

JuliaDH 08-31-2008 01:20 AM

My Mom loves being single. Has not even gone on a date since the break up 19 yrs ago. She had to clean up after Dad long enough and oc course the 4 of us kids. Now she does what she wants when she wants. Sometimes gets lonley but then she chooses to go out and do something.

Me I am married 10 yrs this Oct. It works cause he is a truck driver and is home 3 of 7 days. Works for me gone long enough to miss him. Glad for him to come home by the time he needs to go again I am glad to see him go. Have some me time then look forward to having him home again. Its a great cycle. I get a bit of both worlds.

mist72 08-31-2008 01:34 AM

Wow, Mollymom! As I read your post, I thought "this could be me speaking", even though I'm a few years younger. I was in a relationship when I was 19, had a daughter at 20. He and I finally moved in together when DD was 3 1/2. That lasted about 3 months! We finally split, for many reasons, but I realized I'm much more compatible with myself than with anyone else!
I dated a little bit after we split and then made the decision that it is most important for me to raise my child, less important for me to be out dating and such. (Personal decision--I don't judge single parents who date, I just choose not to). But I digress....
My daughter will be 16 soon and I will be 36. I'm at the point where I'm not seeking out a mate, but if something happens, I'm not going to turn it down. I'm finally losing the weight that I've put on over the last several years (which kind of acted as a shield against any man wanting me, since I was fat, right?--I finally realized that was what I was subconciously thinking and decided to get rid of the shield!)
I think I'm rambling, but good luck in whatever you choose to do:D:hug::D

Iconised Ghost 08-31-2008 02:37 AM

I feel the same way sometimes. I am quite independent, love my space, and am very introverted- im not one to share every deep or superficial thing on my mind at all, with anyone. I would love to find a guy who would put up with that, that i could just pick up when i felt like it and when i wanted to be alone put back on the shelf! :D or maybe all that changes when you are "truely" in love, i dont know. Until i figure it out or find my shelf guy, im happier single

kaplods 08-31-2008 03:18 AM

I met my husband at 35, and before that I was very happily single. In fact, before I met my husband, I was starting to envision myself as crazy cat lady and was fine with that (except that at the time, I thought I was allergic to all cats - but why get hung up on a technicality).

I have always hated having room mates, even my sister Ann who is the most quiet, noninvasive person on the planet to have as a room mate.

On an impulse (on one of those rare days I didn't want to be single) I placed a personal ad, and got tons of replies, only three of which were worth speaking to, and only two of which rated a date, and only one rated a second date (the guy that would be my husband).

In fact, I had pretty much decided the personal ad thing had been a really bad idea, and I ignored the reply from now hubby for six weeks, before on another impulsive day I called him. We spent three hours talking on the phone in that one conversation, and didn't go a day without speaking, writing, or seeing each other ever since (well there might have been a couple days in there, but fewer than 5 all totalled).

I still can't believe it. We still joke that eventually we're going to have to get a side by side his/her duplex because my "natural state" is living alone. I told hubby that I did not expect marriage to be "easier" than being single, and it isn't. Sometimes he really bugs me, and not for any good reason, just because he's in MY house.

It's funny, because most people would think that my husband is the antisocial one (he's opinionated, stubborn, and wouldn't know tact if it smacked him across the face). I'm "charming and witty," and I can't wait to get home or get people out of my home so I can be alone.

When we lived in a big townhouse, we had separate bedrooms (this was still only year one of our marriage). My health problems were at their worst, and I had to sleep in a bed that was jacked up three feet at the head of the bed (the mattress and box springs was strapped to the frame, so they wouldn't slide off). My sinuses were so bad that unless I slept that way, I couldn't breathe. Hubby couldn't sleep that way, because he said it felt like he was sliding out of bed or trying to sleep while standing (I could relate, I felt that way too, but there was no other way I could sleep at all). So he had his own room.

I'll tell you, I wouldn't mind going back to that, because he snores (he says I do too).

It sounds like I don't love my husband, and I do (very much or he'd be dead by now - just kidding - mostly). It's just single would be easier. Not better (if I thought that, we wouldn't be together, I'd choose to be single again), but definitely easier.

Rosinante 08-31-2008 03:40 AM

what an encouraging thread!

I'm 53, never married, no kids, last date in my mid-20s. I don't know why, and it really used to bug me, that no-one wanted me. A bit like being the last to be picked for class sports teams!
Even now there are days when I feel the huge chasm of there being no-one for whom I'm the most important person in the world. My brother insisted recently I watch the movie 'Love actually', saying it was the ultimate feel-good movie. That's true, of course, if you're in love or still hope to be but it's a bit of a facer for me (though I love the film, watched it 3 times this year already).

But but but - I love my own company, I love meeting and entertaining people but love it when I can come home or they go home, I love the 5 dogs, I love the fact that my diet, when it's going good, isn't spoiled by having to cook for someone else, I love it that on my 1 day a week off I can sleep in until I wake up, then lounge around all day, if I want to.

Apart from times when circumstances make life tough, I'm Very Happy being single!

Fat Melanie 08-31-2008 04:23 AM

I like this thread. It shows that you don't have to have a significant other to feel happy or fulfilled. So many people just do not want to be alone and just can't seem to be able to be without a S.O. I am one of those people, I've always gone from boyfriend to boyfriend easily. After my last relationship ended, I started seeing my current boyfriend not too soon after. (I thought it was a rebound, but 3 years and 1 kid later, we're still going strong.) This is the longest relationship I've ever been in. Sometimes I do miss the single life and often he drives me insane. Right now, I hear him snoring, urgh. Also, he snorts like a skinny bull. (Uh, not snorts as in snorting a certain white powder, I mean he snorts disgustingly in his sleep. It makes me want to punch him in the face.)

I think what it is, really, is that you don't have to have a partner to be whole. You don't have to have a partner to be happy and fulfilled. You girls who are speaking of being single and happy about it, well there is nothing wrong with that, whatsoever. It does make me sad to think of how Mollymom speaks of not getting invited to certain things just because she doesn't have an S.O. That seems pretty judgmental of the people who don't invite her. I would say, find a group of people in your area who are also single and have tons of fun with them. Go wild. :D

mollymom 08-31-2008 08:51 AM

Don't feel sorry for me. The facts are that everyone I know almost is married, and they do the "couples" things. I live in a pretty small city, and there just dont' seem to be a lot of "single folks" around my age that I really want to hang out with. I am sure if I tried harder I could find them though. We have some "singles supper clubs" but the few times I have gone, I haven't really enjoyed myself. I just don't find I feel I have a lot in common with most of the people there. Frankly, most of the women are pissed that there aren't more men, and they fawn disgustingly over the ones that do come, losers or not! They are there to find a man, not just meet and socialize with other single people male OR female.

I do have a good friend who is male, We provide each other with the necessary SO when it is socially required. People aren't too sure what to make of our relationship. We aren't lovers, just good friends. He lives at his place, I live at mine, but he comes over a lot. He helps me a lot with my house..kind of like having a "house husband" with none of the detriments LOL

I sometimes wish for a more physical relationship in my life after all, I am nearly fifty, NOT NEARLY DEAD. I have moments where I wonder why I never found a mate. I dated a LOT. I have tried online dating and met some nice guys but nothing really clicked. I dated one guy for a year fairly recently, thought things were great then suddenly he wanted to break it off. Now I have heard, a couple of years later, that he is getting married. I have to admit I went through the "why not me " pity party for a day or two.

I think they should have a Man room at the humane society. Come in, look em over, find one that is cute, see if he is cuddly, get his shots, and bring him home....worked with my cats and my dog..they are just wonderful ;)

klc 08-31-2008 12:39 PM

I had to throw my hat in the ring on this one. My parents were married for 50 years, and honestly enjoyed each other other. They were still holding hands after all that time, so the bar was set pretty high for me. I'm 55, been married twice (one for 14 months, next for 14 years). After my second marriage, I sowed some wild oats but decided that I didn't really want another relationship, so haven't even thought about dating since then. I went thru a spell of being a 'home for wayward adults' ... I have a large house, perfect for situations like this (separate living area in basement). An old time male friend of the family went went thru thru a divorce, he moved in while getting back on his feet, and then the same thing happened with a female friend. After she moved out, a gay male friend (older than I am), relocated here and moved in. I thought (along with most of my married female friends) that I'd struck the mother-lode with this...someone who would help you move furniture AND go clothes shopping with you. Wrong. I booted him out after a couple years, and since then have enjoyed having every square inch of the house to myself. The only time I've wrung my hands about not have a SO is when I wanted to go on a cruise. Well, this spring, I did go on an 11 nite Alaskan cruise ... solo. That was one of the most eye opening things you can do. It was glorious to be able to do exactly what you wanted to do, whenever you wanted to do it. Bottom line is, my only regret is not that I don't have an SO, but that I don't have the money and time back that I spent on taking care of the ones I did have! Nobody else can make you happy. You have to do that for yourself. But if you find someone else to share the ride with you, that's just icing on the cake.

luvja 08-31-2008 12:52 PM

I left my man in Jamaica when I decided to come back home... I have to admit.. I am not happily single. I envy you ladies... I'm so lonley at times.


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