Ive been with my fiance for 18 months now, and it was a very passionate relationship at the start, thats gradually faded and now the spark feels like its gone for me.
I find myself getting agitated with him, irritated by things he does, or fails to do and i feel like there is zero romance, excitement or spark there anymore. I love him alot and still see myself being with him forever but i dont know whats wrong with me.
Ive recently come off of anti depressants and im wondering if this could be due to those, ive lost my sex drive compleetely, my PMT is horrendous when its there and i often lose it with him the few days before its due. Bottom line is im not happy how things are.
Ive told him this today and he is devestated and wants to do anything he can to make it right, i guess what im asking, is how do you keep that fire burning, not just with sex, i mean the spark that makes your heart flip or stomach go funny. We need to fall in love again and i dont know how.
I suggest trying new things together. Making new memories. Sex drive can decrease but romance doesnt. Find new places and go explore them together. Take a class, like dancing or cooking together. Learn a new language. Some things you can do don't require money. Also, yes it could be the depression part of it playing a role. But i suggests have "dates" to new places, exploring an antique shop, go canoeing, biking etc. Find things that you normally wouldn't do. I think part of the problem is that couples "Get in a rutt". Try something new....go out and have fun and see if that brings back the spark and romance. Plan a nice at home romantic dinner...where you turn of the phone, tv etc. Just some music and enjoying each others company. Try not to let little things bother you. There are many silly things that DH does that is a bit annoying (ie smacking his lips when chewing his food)...but honestly...its not worth the effort of a fight. Before you blow up...count to ten and decide is this really serious enough to start an arguement about...because remember if you argue about every little thing..how is BF suppose to know what is really serious to you. Hope that helps!!!!
i hear what your saying. definately on the new stuff together part.
If we argue (or rather i argue he listens!) its ALWAYS about the same thing. His lack of financial organisation, and his untidy nature. I have repeatedly told him what he needs to do and how he needs to do it and he just doesnt, i know he works hard, commutes alot and is tired when he gets back but so do i, normally im working 3 days a week, university 3 days per week AND studying at home, then i end up doing all the washing, cleaning cooking because he just doesnt think, it doesnt bother him to do it. He has started cooking but im fed up of leaving the washing to him and ending up with empty drawers and over flowing wash baskets!
i know it sounds so petty, but when i think about how disorganised he is i panic about spending my life sorting his money, accounts and stuff out. sigh.
The passion does fade a little after a year or so, but H2B and I have date nights, it might not sound very romantic making an ppointment to get intimate, but it does work. If we dont have much money, we will cook a nice meal have a glass of wine, light lots of candles... a relationship requires effort from both sides to keep it running smoothly.
With regards to his annoying habits, these also rear their ugly heads after a while too!! It sounds a little patrionsing, but if I ask H2B to wash the dishes or something and he does it I always say " thank you very much, I really appreciate you doing this for me because now we have more quality time to spend together" or something like that anyway!! Lots of praise and explaining why im pleased. To be honest my H2B just zones me out when i start shouting and stomping about things, so I have found this to be the best method!
Relationships sometimes need maintenance its easy to get swept up with work and other committments. Not sure if this is of any use or not!!
yeah it is, thanks, i guess im feeling low about myself and it makes me doubt everything else, i dont feel happy anyway right now, and i miss how it used to be.
With the depression you mentioned...i would highly seek some couseling for yourself..and i don't mean that in a bad way. But even if you are an organized person, you need to learn that BF is not. And you need to make a decision if either you A. can learn to live with his disorganization or B. not. You need to do some soul searching. Dh and i are total oposites in many ways. He's anal retentive neat/organized to the t...i'm much more lazy and disorganized. But we've accepted each others flaws. Sometimes they help. For example, he helps me be more organized with finances and purchases..and i do the opposite...i have taught him that sometimes its more fun to be spontaneous and sometimes disorganization is ok. Disorganized people will not change a lot. You need to accept that. We can learn to be a bit better...but talking from experience...we will never change 100%. You need to look at yourself and decide.....if you really and truely love him..can you get over his "flaws". You need to accept the fact...he will not change! He will try and there maybe some improvement but he will never be like you! its not in his personality (just like its not me to be totally organized). That doesn't mean we are bad people, it just means we are different. I suggest you take a deep hard look at yourself. If you absolutely cannot get over his disorganization..its something that won't work. But do some soul searching and learn to not get upset over little things. Hang in there.....take care and good luck!
Last edited by GatorgalstuckinGA; 07-21-2008 at 03:20 PM.
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and the passion definitely faded at about the second year mark. I find that the more often you make an effort to get things going in the bedroom, the more often you're in the mood for it. I can go for months without sex and not even realize. I'm always too tired from work or too busy with other things.
I definitely know what you're going through when you're trying to get him to get his life in order. My boyfriend has been working part-time at a REALLY sub-par job since I've known him. We moved in with my mom to save money for a house. He still has yet to look for a real job, and there's no way we'll ever get a mortgage on what he's making now. It's a constant battle for me not to blow up at him. It's hard to live with someone.
But the little things will always be there and you'll get used to them. The important thing is that you find time to have fun together, goof off, have good conversations.
we do have great conversations, he is my best friend in every way.
As for the counselling bit, its pretty much worthless, i have a chemical imbalance in my brain, totally nothing to do with my actual emotions, sadly it just controls them in a way that is beyond control for me. The coming off of the meds had been an experiment, and i think i am going to have to accept that i cant. Which sucks.
Bottom line with organisation financially is that if he doesnt he will end up bankrupt within 12 months. im the reason he isnt already as im constantly writing letters, ensuring bills go out on time and negotiating with his creditors.
I'm not sure what to tell you then. I have to admit DH helps me, making me set a budget ect. But I know i have to keep my life in order and am organized enough to pay bills and not have debt. But i guess we're back to the beginning....do you love him enough to continue helping him get out of his finacial issues. Or are you at the point, enough is enough. If youve reached the later...all the love in the world won't make you have respect for him. But only you can decide that.
I'd say the combination of coming off antidepressants AND the fact that you've been with him for a while and becoming comfortable is what's wrong. My DH and I just came back from a night out at a local casino and hotel stay so we can, quote: "remind ourselves that we're husband/wife and not roomates". It was so nice. Its so easy to get caught up in everyday routines with work, school, kids, housecleaning, laundry, etc. LIFE isn't always very romantic...sometimes you have to make time to be so.
But be careful. I had a best friend that got married to a man about 20 years ago and we bridesmaids had a jammy party at her house the night before the wedding and I stayed in her room with her and we talked until about 3am about how she was starting to lose the spark for her fiance and not sure if she is 'in love' with Kenny or just really likes him a lot. Ended up in divorce with her having an affair and getting pregnant with the boyfriend and not telling Kenny the baby wasn't his until he'd paid about 5 years of child support. Very ugly. I'm not saying this is what will happen to you, but really search your soul and be sure he's the one for you before you commit yourself and make it harder to get out of if you need to. Is your wedding date getting close? Could this be what's bothering you? Either way, there's nothing wrong with holding patterns or biding your time to be sure.
By the way, if you do get married, I officially declare YOU in charge of the family finances. And you'll just have to give him an allowance. Seriously. That's just the way some marriages work. My husband does ALL the bill paying around here because I'm totally terrible at it. He takes care of everything and I get my 'allowance' for groceries. Its the only time we fight is when I go over my budget at the grocery store.
to be honest i think it will have to go that way, just when im at uni and working i get so overwhelmed with stuff i have to do and managing the finances on top of everything else can just seem like to much, maybe i can get it straight over the summer and then itll be fine for the school year
it just seems like every time i get ahead something happens (last sat car engine blew up, needing £1000 worth of work, bang goes the credit card)
we do need some time doing stuff, i actually cant remember the last time we had a date night or went out together (we just got back from vacation which was awesome and we had more sex than in along time!)
I do feel he is the one for me, he is everything ive ever wanted in a man, its just my stupid feelings going awol... im gonna get back on the meds and arrange a couple of date nights with him. Now he knows how i feel hopefully he will pull his weight more.
To tell the truth, i think one aspect is that our wedding isnt booked, and cant be until i finish uni due to funding loss if i marry. i guess i dont feel secure in the relationship right now, like he may change his mind. I have issues in a big way with self confidence, self worth etc all linked to my weight and i just dont like me right now. i guess none of that helps.
I do feel he is the one for me, he is everything ive ever wanted in a man, its just my stupid feelings going awol... im gonna get back on the meds and arrange a couple of date nights with him. Now he knows how i feel hopefully he will pull his weight more.
To tell the truth, i think one aspect is that our wedding isnt booked, and cant be until i finish uni due to funding loss if i marry. i guess i dont feel secure in the relationship right now, like he may change his mind. I have issues in a big way with self confidence, self worth etc all linked to my weight and i just dont like me right now. i guess none of that helps.
I guess none of that would help. Maybe once you get back into school and back into a schedule, and stop living life in a sense of panic, things will start to feel less unsettling. Feeling insecure in the relationship is normal with lots of things going on that are distracting. I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself to 'make it work'...just let things happen and things will work themselves out or implode. Relationships at your level aren't supposed to be too much work. If they are too much work or too hard to keep happy, then it may be time to re-think things. What I mean by 'at your level' is that if your just dating, what will happen when things get really serious and you're married and you have kids and then how will you get along? Just food for thought... If its meant to be, things will work themselves out...if not, then... I know it sounds cliche, but I'm a firm believer in meant-to-be's...
Hi Paula, I'm not the greatest relationship advisor, having a rough time of it myself.. so I won't speak to that. However, I've had bipolar with major depression forever.....been on every 'cocktail' you can imagine and antidepressants will absolutely effect your libido... actually its one of top reasons people stop taking then... I don't want to sound like I'm 'prescribing' but you may want to chat with your doctor about wellbutrin, I had a normal sex drive while on it... but everyone is different...counseling didn't sound like a bad idea either... Good Luck Paula...
~Caroline~
Last edited by Sweetcaroline; 07-21-2008 at 05:15 PM.
Some relationship advice and help needed
