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Old 07-13-2008, 11:27 PM   #1  
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Default Should I say something?

Over the past year me and my boyfriend have both gained some weight. I went from a size 10 to a very tight size 12...about 15-20 lbs. My weight gain had to do with eating to much junk and not working out like I had been previously doing. Right now I am at 180 and have been at this weight for the past 8 months or so. I'm finally doing something about getting down to a healty BMI. My boyfriend on the other hand keeps going up in weight, and isn't doing much 7about it. He works nights and he never packs a lunch with him. He eats out 7 days a week. He says he will start eating better, and always says he's going to go to the gym, then makes an excuse as to why he doesnt go. We don't live together, or else I would make meals that he could take to work with him. So I guess my question is, should I tell him that he needs to stop with all the fast food? I love him even if he has some extra junk in the trunk, because he hasn't said anything about my weight gain. I've seen the movie Supersize Me, and read the book Fast Food Nation, and it worries me about that he eats it every day. Should I say something?

Here is pic of us from last month.
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Old 07-13-2008, 11:36 PM   #2  
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Welcome to my world! My DF and I have been standing in one long buffet line since I became engaged. I finally put my foot down and decided to get my butt in gear. He, however, was a little late to get back on track (c'mon- pizza and beer or going to the gym every night after work?)

I had to go first. And I can't tell him he's starting to put on the pounds (2 months before our wedding, no less), but I CAN invite him to the gym. I CAN control what we buy at the grocery store. He is now starting to get back into it, but like I said, it's only by example. And it may take some time. I think he realized that to be able to spend time with me, we have to be moving. We've started taking long evening walks with the dog again. That might be a good place to start.

Good luck! I know you don't want to hurt his feelings, but it is a sensitive issue, even for guys

ETA: Have you suggested that he read those books? I got really into reading FFN and Omnivore's Dilemma, that DF was inevitably curious about what all the fuss was about.

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Old 07-13-2008, 11:36 PM   #3  
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Should you express your love for your loved one by offering to help them make better choices to improve their health because you love them and want them to be well?


Carefully, respectfully and gently.
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Old 07-14-2008, 12:29 AM   #4  
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Default Ahhh, what a cute couple!

I totally think you should tell him that you are ready to get healthy and would love for him to join you. When you're overweight, sometimes it just takes a kind kick to the rear to get you going. When I started losing weight, my bf just thought it was probably another phase. Then when 10, 15, 20 and now 30 pounds have come off in the last three and a half months, he has really started to notice and started the same diet as I did. I didn't have to say anything to him because the proof is in the pudding! I really didn't mean for that to come out as dirty as it sounds.

Maybe he is ready now or maybe it will take a few months, but I bet once he sees your success he will want to join you. Good luck!
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Old 07-14-2008, 12:20 PM   #5  
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Each person is very different, so it is hard to say what to do.

I am in the opposite position. My DH has always been very fit and healthy. He played college soccer and has run half marathons and bikes insane distances.

I started putting on weight with my first pregnancy and added more and more with each. My BMI was in the obese category and I had to pry myself into size 16 pants. Again, he has always been fit and healthy and strong.

It would have *devastated* me if he would have *ever* said anything about my weight. He is such a kind person, and I know that if he would have, it would have come from a place of love and concern, but it would have devastated me nonetheless. I would have felt ugly and inadequate and I would have wondered what other "flaws" he saw about me.

He never said a word about my weight. He worshiped my body through it all and somedays his opinion of my body was probably the only positive one. Certainly more positive than my own opinion of myself!

Now that I have lost weight, he still worships my body. He tells me how much he admires how hard I am working and I know he likes that we can run together and that I am becoming more athletic.

Weight loss is intensely personal for some people. I had to come to my decision to change because I wanted to change. No one else could have prompted it, and I think that if anyone else had, it would have backfired. At least for me.

Sometimes on 3FC we get posts from women whose SO's have commented on their increasing weight. These are rarely positive posts. It can be very hard to hear about your weight before you are ready to change, even if it is communicated with love.

So tread very very very carefully here.

My best recommendation would be to do what my DH has always done: model healthy behaviors and love unconditionally. When your partner is ready to change, then he will.

But like I said that is just my opinion based on my life. And I'm weird.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:04 PM   #6  
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It is touchy. You definitely have to frame it in terms of offers / invitations (cooking better food for him, inviting to the gym with you or for a walk). Think how you would feel if he had started losing weight when you weren't ready, and said, hey honey, you just gotta eat less fast food. Your example will be powerful, but stating the obvious usually just makes someone defensive and gets the opposite effect of what you want.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:29 PM   #7  
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I agree with Midwife. You can drop mini hints, but other than that I would leave it alone.

Last year I was 100% against working out and eating right. No matter how hard I tried I just could not get off my rump to do it. In the mean time I was struggling with that, my Fiancé was going to the gym, eating less, and trying to loss weight. One day I looked at him and he was thin. I was jealous AND I started having thoughts of …I might lose him cause he looks so good. Oh my goodness I better get my fat but in gear. I wanted to keep him and look good for him, so that motivated me to get up and get going. I now have adjusted so it is about me not him. We are now both very active together. Now I eat way healthy and he eats like crap. Throughout your relationship you may diet a million times, you may not always be together on it.

I say motivate by example. Offer advice if he asks. Point him in the healthy direction. Make it look like it was his idea.

Last edited by Insatiable; 07-14-2008 at 01:30 PM.
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Old 07-14-2008, 01:49 PM   #8  
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He needs to decide to do it himself. I would be very hurt if the person I loved told me I needed to lose weight. I know I need to lose weight...I can see myself in the mirror. To hear that someone else feels the same way is another story, though. But I admit I've always been overly sensitive about my weight, and not everyone is the same.

You said you saw Super Size Me, but did he? Maybe suggest that you watch it together. That'll at least get him thinking about the fast food. And you can talk about how much better YOU feel now that you're getting active, and hope he takes a hint. But I think coming out and telling him he needs to lose weight can be hurtful.
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Old 07-14-2008, 02:44 PM   #9  
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I'm on exactly the same page as midwife. I've never had to say anything to my husband because he's always been ridiculously fit and athletic. If he had ever said anything to me about my weight, I would have been mortified. He said one little thing, just one time, when I broke my ankle -- I weighed at least 275 at the time, and he just said -- very very gently and uncomfortably -- that he worried about my healing because of my weight, just that it would be more difficult for me. I didn't feel bad toward him for saying it, but it made me feel AWFUL and it did NOT make me do anything about my weight. I changed my body and got healthy when I was ready -- nothing he said would've changed that. In fact, if he had said stuff to me about it, I probably would've never done it. I've had plenty of female friends whose husbands hound them about their weight, and all it does is stress them out and make them eat more. So if you do decide to say something, be very very careful.
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Old 07-14-2008, 04:57 PM   #10  
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Thanks everyone for your replies. I will definately take all of y'alls advice. Midwife, you made a very good point. I think i would be hurt if my bf said something about my weight gain. I think I won't say anything for now, until he notices that I have decided to make a change. We are supposed to move in together in 6 weeks, once that happens, I can cook healthy stuff for him and he can bring a lunch to work instead of always eating out.
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