Wow. It sounds like this other mom has spiraled completely out of control. My first action is always to protect my own child. Which you need to do on three fronts (1) school, (2) bus, (3) neighborhood. Toward that end, an immediate phone call to the school and a sitdown with the principal and counselor (and anyone else there allowing themselves to be involved in this other mother's issues) would be tops on my list. Unless the kids are fighting in school, the school officials should not be involved. They can't talk the kids into being friends and they shouldn't be trying. If there is an allegation of wrong-doing, then they have the right to bring any student in for talks. Other than that, they should just go balance their budget or something. For the bus, if both kids are on the bus, it would be ideal if your daughter did not sit with or near this kid, or talk about her, or even shake her head at how weird she is. For the neighborhood, if these people live close, I would just keep a sharp eye out that they were coming over on the muscle, looking for trouble. Hopefully if you ignore her she'll go away. (it's always a nice thought).

Ok, I don't have kids, but I've dealt (recently, believe it or not - with 40 year old women) with a similar situation involving hurt feelings, lies to spouses and people in positions of authority, etc.

It seems to me that this *is* spiraling way out of control. If it were me I would call the other mom involved and just lay everything on the line. This is what happened ... this is why my daughter has chosen to end the friendship ... I don't think that either of us or the school should be involved ... this is all part of the process of growing up ... the girls need to learn to handle this on their own unless there is actual violence or verbal abuse happening.

I personally would not start with the school because that "officializes" the end of the friendship between the two girls. I would start with the mom.

One of the things that I learned last summer - that came out of my own situation - is that the continual talking around each other, holding things in, "should I tell her...", etc., only makes things worse.

My philosophy now is ... lay things on the table and let everyone look at them. What they choose to do with it after that is their own business. But I'm no longer going to try to make decisions about who should know what or why.

.

I'm not getting the school involved because frankly, I don't think friends fighting (ugh, they do this, its part of growing up!) are school issues. If bullying or bloodshed is involved, different scenario. My daughter hasn't gone to her house in a few months. The bus -- they did switch seats. My daughter sits w/another girl or alone. The mom chose to pull her kid off the bus. Personally, I don't think she's doing her daughter any favors. I'd give my kid advice and have her stand up to anyone who was saying mean things to her, ignore them or tell the bus driver. I've often gotten the impression that her daughter gets a lot of what she wants and she is having a really hard time handling the fact the this time, things are just not going to go her way. I've told my daughter to either ignore her or be neutral in her tone of voice if she does talk to her. I don't want the girl's feelings to get hurt but I also don't want her to think that if my daughter is talking nicely and all to her that they are now friends again. School is out in a few weeks so I'm hoping that it will all die down over the summer.

I did all of this except for the 'why' part. I told her that my daughter is ending the friendhship because she's not the same kid as she was a few years ago -- which is true, her patience w/the other kid has run out -- but I really don't want to say to the woman 'your kid is rude, obnoxious and snobby'.

I also have issues w/this woman. I've had maybe a dozen conversations w/ her in the past 9 yrs or so and she has said insulting and hurtful things to me. The second time time I met her, we (us, them and one other couple) were all saying hi in the middle of our yards -- new houses -- and my son, who is special needs, was throwing stones and rocks into a mud puddle. She is a former/sub teacher and knew that my son was SN. She looked at him and said, with great disdain in her voice, 'Oh, I'm so glad I don't have a little boy. I'm so glad I have little girls.' I was like WTH??? That she probably meant that boys are messy is likely -- but again, it was the WAY she said it and her whole attitude. Especially that my son is SN, WHY would she make this comment? Another time she implied that I was somehow a lazy parent because I drove to pick up my daughter from kindergarten (less than 1/2 mile from our house). I was in school at the time, was running late due to working on a project and drove over (she always walked her kids to school). I walked up to wait for the kids and she said 'Oh, I thought for a minute that you had walked. But then, you never walk here'. This was said with such an air of superiority! As if what? My not walking somehow makes me a lesser parent then her -- and her somehow a better parent than me?? Once again, WTH??? Yes, I sense this woman is a conceited snob and no, I've never liked her. I don't interact w/her at all and keep any conversation to pleasantries only. Nine years ago, I joked anything she said off (there have been other similar remarks made) but I'm older and um, more vocal now and would call her on any type of comments at this point. Still, I take no pleasure at all in having to tell her what an obnoxious, rude child she has.

Wow, she sounds like a real "peach!" However have you held your tongue all these years??? I just can't stand those ones who think they're all that AND a bag of chips. Your comment about the kids being different is perfect; that's what I would have gone with also unless she really backed me into a wall and I lost my temper or something. I only suggested the school part because it sounded like the powers that be there were making things worse instead of better. We've seen that around here a couple times where they think they have to "solve" a kid issue that really doesn't need to be formalized by adult intervention. The part that scared me was when you said they were pulling your daughter out of class to go to the guidance counselor. That would have made me uncomfortable -- as I'm sure it does the kids! You are so right about summer being a great buffer. Sounds like your neighborhood is set up where you're not always tripping over her anyhow. And she's a sub? Ugh. Wonder if she's like that in the classroom also? Double ugh! WC

I used to just joke it off and stuff -- humor is a great coping tool - but I've learned that some folks just aren't worth that effort.
Yeah, I'm much more the 'let the kids work it out themselves' type too. How are they ever going to learn if they always have an adult 'fixing' things? Kids frequently fix their problems better than the adults. They also need to do it on their own timetable -- sometimes it takes awhile.

I originally thought they pulled her out of class but it was at the end of the day b/4 the buses came. My oldest daughter (senior in hs) said this strategy backfires all the time. If a kid at school just doesn't like you, they'll tell the guidance counselor that you said whatever and then the kid they don't like has to go to the GC every week for awhile to 'talk about their issues'. Cripes. I forget what she calls it -- something like you 'snap' the kid just to make their life a pain. Good intention w/the GC idea but there's always the opposite effect problem.

Thanks so much for your responses; it helps alot hearing that I'm not as lowly as that woman seems to think!

I have to figure that people like that woman "get theirs" in the end, but sometimes I just want to help karma along a little!!! OK, not grown up, but I can dream ....

The GC program you described gave me a chuckle. Sounds like one of those "good ideas" (not) that come out of the endless inservices they do. That would never fly here. At my daughter's school they have two counselors for close to 900 kids and frankly, the staff is just happy when students are not doing great bodily harm to each other. Or a teacher.