How do working moms do it?
 

I'm getting so depressed. If you haven't read my threads about co-ed gym and the pros and cons of homeschooling, you'd have to read them to know what I'm going through with my daughter. Which is stressful enough...

My thing is that I started a beauty salon/barber shop last fall. Since I was first a hairdresser in 1983, I've dreamt of having my own shop and I LOVE it. Problem is...I have a house, husband and two kids to take care of, as well. Here it is, 2pm and its about 80 degrees and sunny outside and what am I doing? Cleaning. I have so much dust, clutter and grime all over my house and I'm literally near tears trying to clean it because I just don't have time anymore since I started working. I so desperately want to just go outside and play with my kids like the old days, but my house is an absolute pig sty. I have an old english sheepdog that keeps getting muddy and coating my kitchen with a layer of dirt. I just finished cleaning that, then went to the dining room and am starting to vacuum and finding...just...junk all over. I'm so depressed, I can hardly stand it.

I'm also thinking that my daughter's depression/lack of self esteem is stemming from my not being home anymore. I try to get her to help me and, after a week off, her excuse is that she has homework. My family's attitude towards me cleaning is that they don't care if the house is messy...my husband, included. Everyone makes me feel like my priorities are all out of whack. If it were just idle clutter, I wouldn't mind, but I'm goign around and finding cat puke, dirt, capri sun bags, etc and the litter box is a steaming stinking mess.

You know, I see other houses with working moms and their houses are always nice and neat and clean. How to they do it?

Anyhow...am I a fool for thinking I need to close up my shop jsut because I need to clean my house? It's really depressing me...I have absolutely NO time to myself at home to just do my cleaning a little here and there or just to sit and read a book. Well, I can read a book at the shop, but its not the same as just being at home. I wanted to start a garden for veggies, but gawd...

I'm just feeling very frustrated.

Darkblue gave you some good advice. I'm not a mom, but I was going to comment on one thing - the cat box. Since I was a child wanting a cat I was told that was fine, but if the box wasn't cleaned then we couldn't keep the cat. Sounds like you need a little tough love. I was a messy child and my mother's response was to pick up all the crap she found then dump it in a pile on my bedroom floor. Of course I'm assuming that the Capri Sun bags are from your daughter. If they're from your husband you've got bigger problems.

(And no, I'm not the tidiest adult, but I am better than I was. :) )

Oops, I was going to add that my mother was a working mom (real estate / odd hours) and I did my own laundry from an early age and learned to cook because my father's attempts were horrible.

I'm a single, working mom to three kids (9, 8, and 5) who are in soccer, football, basketball, cheerleading, art classes and guitar lessons. Needless to say, we're busy! My house isn't perfect, but we can always have company. It comes down to what we call the "20 minute tidy". Every night we take 20 minutes (at 7 in our house because bedtime is 8) and we all pitch in to help clean up. Nothing ever gets overwhelming because we do it every night. It's amazing what 4 people can do in 20 minutes! The catch - - if someone doesn't pull his or her weight in the 20 minute tidy, it's pajamas and bed for you at 7:30 (bedtime isn't until 8). It works for us and I hope that maybe it can at least help for you. Good Luck!

Can you get some outside help with the housekeeping? Just getting a service to come in every other week to do the "deep" stuff can really help. Definitely enlist your entire family to help you out - my mom always said she had kids just do the dishes and mow the lawn ;). Even from an early age - I had very clear chore - but it started pretty small when I was young. I remember when my job was mating all the socks and rolling them into balls. As I got older, I got to fold towels, and then fold all the laundry, and then put all the folded laundry away. I always always had to clean the cat box every morning - that was non negotiable!

I'm a single mom with two kids, ages 5 and 8, and I also work full-time. I have my weekends off and I dedicate one day of each weekend to cleaning the house, which is sweeping, vacuuming, laundry, dusting and general decluttering. During the week, we just do a general pick up each night. It helps that we are not home 10 hours out of each weekday. I'm kind of a neat freak, so the kids know not to drag a bunch of their toys out of their rooms into the living room or other common living areas. Out of sight, out of mind!!

Seems you could either put the kids on it, or hire a housecleaning service. No reason for you to close your shop. If money is a problem, get the kids and DH to vote: do they want to contribute to the fee for a maid, or would they like to divvy up the household chores? If they "don't care", just start going through with a trash bag and a shovel. I only had to do that once to my ds before neatness suddenly became a priority for him, too! ;) Sometimes, you just have to act mental enough that they realize you mean business! lol

BALANCE!

It is not a secret TECH!...there is NO TIME for hockey!! NO TIME!! ;)

#1 ~ Take time for God...then there will be enough time for your family!

#2 ~ DH...has got to give a percentage at home...if you are working full time...he needs to cook...clean...WHATEVER...to help out

#3 ~ Kids need to help out with chores...stop the crap excuses! Time to TOUGH UP!! 30 freakin minutes of dusting WILL NOT KILL THEM!!

#4 ~ Be consistent...but FLEXIBLE!!

#5 ~ A clean house is a HAPPY :) HOUSE....a sterile house SUCKS! :p

#6 ~ Stop freakin WHINING!! about "stuff"..it is only stuff! We all have a hard knock life from time to time!

#7 ~ If the house is too messy for "people" to visit...:carrot:

#8 ~ If the house is too messy for FAMILY to visit...clean it!

#9 ~ Angie MADE me learn to cook...that is how I ended up here...TRUE STORY!!!...if I can then your DH can....

#10 ~ PLANNING!!

I worked ~ Angie worked ~ My kids...all 3 of them...played year round sports...I have been the legal guardian of my nephew for 6+ years...We lived through it...we are all sane :rofl:

No secret...plan meals...plan activities...be flexible...MAKE them HELP YOU!!! You are the POWER!!...you are the one that needs to help you to help them have a better life!! Seriously dear...are you NOT the brains of the family?...of course you are...GET WITH THE PROGRAM!! They ALL look up to you...you know they do!! Show them what they NEED to do!!

I don't have any idea how working mothers (or stay at home mothers for that matter) do it. I just wanted to say to all of you out there: I'm in complete awe of you!!!!

I know you'll find some way to work it out (moms always do!) so just hang in there! :hug:

techwife...I have done both, stayed at home and worked full time, when my kids were little. It was actually easier for me to work basically because of everything EZ said. Was it easy? Nope. Once you get a system going it will be good...

Good luck to you - and make that family WORK!!!

TECH ~

It is easier for us now since my son and daughter are off and married...dang :p son in law :p...and my step-daughter is away in NYC for college...nephew is here but he is NEVER home for dinner...with $20 I give him and a few friends he can eat for weeks! ;)...he is required to tell me 2 hours before dinner though if he is eating at home or not! If he doesn't call...we do not make dinner for him...he is on his own...can food..a few frozen burritos...etc.

PLANNING is the KEY ~

Last night we had DATE NIGHT...we planned it...blue pill and all ;)

went to church this morning...planned our day with the dogs at an art show after....

planned dinner for tomorrow night...I put flank steak and goodies in the crock-pot before we went to the art show...for Monday nights dinner...my night..

Angie will deal with Tuesday and Wednesday...she gave me her list for food before I went shopping today after the art show...she napped...we planned it...she cooked yesterday while I napped...we planned it..

we worked in the yard together yesterday...didn't plan it!...be flexible!

Wednesday we will do to dinner with our Vicar at church...he gets his call that day...all planned.

Thursday I am already planning and have the stuff for mango/peach salsa pork chops...

friday night is date night...no plans just a lot of smooching going on!! If Angie is lucky....hahahahahaha...yeah right! ;)

Learn to plan ahead and stick to it!

techwife-

You need to get your family in gear, and give them some tough love. I haven't commented, but I have read your threads on your daughter-about the home schooling issue, and the gym class issue. So...I am just going to give you my advice on all three, because I think that they are related. :)

You have been debating home schooling your daughter because she is having problems with other kids at school, and you are upset about HER being upset about gym class, and being embarassed in front of other kids and wanting to take care of it for her...and now you are thinking about closing YOUR shop, and YOUR dream, because the kids and hubby don't want to pull their weight around the house.

GET TOUGH! :drill:

I am going to tell you a little story. :) There is a HUGE difference between me, and my MIL. She tends to do things a little bit more like you do...and right now, she has my adult SIL living with her (who pays no rent, does no cleaning, does no laundry, etc.) and also my SIL's toddler. My other SIL and her now husband lived with them for 3 years, up until last year. She did EVERYTHING for these people, and worked. Will I ever do this? Heck no.

You have to get tough. I know that you love your daughter, but you cannot fix everything for her and make it better. She is going to have issues with kids at school, there are days where she is going to feel unpopular/fat/ugly/depressed-but you cannot always come in and save the day. She needs to learn to do this for herself. Chores go right along the same line. There is no reason that this child cannot do chores. She is not doing homework for 8 hours a night. She has time.

My older two kids are 9 and 7, and they have chores. They are small because of their age, but they have them. They must make their own beds, and they must bring down the bathroom trash cans and empty them into the large, downstairs trash can each day. They must straighten their own rooms each day. If they eat/drink something, then they mus put their trash in the trash can, and must put their dirty dishes in the sink.

If you keep doing everything for them, then how are they going to manage as adults on their own? Their boss or landlord isn't going to treat them like you do...they must learn responsibility, and how to handle their own problems, NOW. Childhood is childhood, but as mothers, it is also our job to teach them responsibility and problem solving skills, so they are functioning adults in society.

Have a meeting, and then give them their weekly chore list and rules. Rule #1 should be, "If you are able enough to get it out, then you are able enough to put it away when you are through." There is simply no excuse for someone to leave Capri-Sun wrappers everywhere. No excuse.

Does your daughter get allowance? If she does, change the rules. To get paid, she must work for it. She must do her chores list each week. If she doesn't get allowance, offer her one-just like a payday each week-but she has to do her chores list to receive it. Just like if she were working, if she doesn't show up and do her job, she doesn't get paid.

It's very simple. You just have to be the bad guy for a little while for their own good. A lot of parents want their kids to like them, and they want to be their kids best friend all of the time. I remember a quote from Frank Barone on the show Everybody Loves Raymond. He said that if your kid hates you, then you are doing your job. :lol:

Sometimes, they just have to get mad at you. You have to put your foot down.

As far as time goes, give your daughter her chores list, and have it separated into daily, and weekly chores. Her daily chores list might be something like:

~cleaning the litter box
~cleaning up all food/drink messes that you made yourself when you are through with them
~washing the dishes

and her weekly might have things on it like:
~running the vacuum cleaner through the entire house
~windexing the bathroom mirrors/television screen

It doesn't always have to be some big, big thing...but even just a few things each week that you don't have to do, will help you out. You just have to get tough, and make them do it. Explain to them that you are a wife, not a maid, and that you were not even around to MAKE the mess left on the table...therefore there is no reason for you to be the one to clean it up.

Get tough. It is going to be the hardest for the first couple of days, but after that, it will get easier. They are going to test you for the first week or so, to see if you "mean it" so stay tough.

BTW-
I am a working mother, and I have three kids-ages 9, 7, and 1 1/2. :hug:

Don't give up your dream--even for the sake of your kids.

Have DD come to work after school. Pay her a small "allowance" for helping a bit when she's done with her homework (she can sweep up the hair, chat with the customers who are waiting, etc.). If you have room, set up an area where she can do her homework there--and then she'll be close if she has questions.

Have your kids do some chores. There is nothing wrong with making them clean their room weekly (dust and vacuum included) and clean the bathroom. You can alternate having them clean the kitchen and/or living and dining rooms. Or you can hire it out (I pay $120 every other week to have my house cleaned and I have a huge house in a pricey area). That leaves me time to spend doing the things I want to do. Sure I have to do a little "refreshing" here and there between cleanings, but nothing major (and I have two dogs). Basically, I clean off all my kitchen surfaces every day before I start cooking and I clean up shedded hair about every other day. The bathroom gets a good rinsing a few times a week and I pick up clutter in the morning before I head off to work. The kids are in charge of picking up their rooms as needed--especially before the cleaners come.

I agree with everyone else that you should set up a chore schedule for your whole family. They all live there, right? Especially your husband. I will never understand why women take the full burden of housework on themselves when both partners work full-time. It makes absolutely no sense to me. And whatever you do, do NOT call it "helping around the house" when your husband does housework. He's not helping any more than YOU are "helping" when you do it -- he's just fulfilling his responsibility as an adult with a home!!!

Sorry, that's just one of my pet peeves! The only thing worse is when a father claims to be "babysitting" when he's home alone with his kids! That's PARENTING!

Here was Angie's chore list ~

Gary ~ cook once/twice a week and do dishes every night

Son ~ share clearing off dinner table with sister ~ clean kitchen floor, stove and counters every other Saturday...on other Saturday, hall bath

Daughter ~ same as above

Step-daughter ~ dusting every week

Family Laundry ~ dad does own drywall clothes ~ kids do their own period! We each had our day!

Angie did our bathroom and we shared the vacumning.

EDIT ~ Everyone in the house had to keep their bedrooms decent...according to my expectations...everyone in the house could have 1 spot....where they could pile their stuff...kids in their rooms...me by my recliner...Angie by her couch...every week-end it had to be cleaned...mail, bills, homework, etc.

You guys...thank you so much for your honest opinions and listening to me whine. You are all such good friends.

I have an appointment today for my daughter for an evaluation in regards to anxiety and panic attacks. I was reading up on the attacks and thought, jeez! I was having one of those when I wrote this post! She gets it from me and I really want to help her. I'm hoping they suggest a non-medicated solution, such as a therapist that can help her deal with the feelings she has. She said she's been having these feelings since first grade (!) but that they've gotten worse in the last year or so.

In regards to my house. Clutter and picking up toys isn't so much the problem as much as the big things. This is what happens to me: I start to do dishes, then move towards wiping down the counter, then end up moving things to really clean the counter, then notice the curtains are disgusting and need to be cleaned, then I realize the kitchen REALLY needs a good painting, then I realize I never finished making my curtains for the other side of the kitchen and THEY are REALLY disgusting and need to be washed, then I go to the back porch (where my dog sits to 'decompress' after a running around our muddy backyard) and there are bottles upon bottles of empty 2-liters in bags, the Christmas tree is still there in bags (its fake) and my recycling cans/glass and there is a full layer of dirt all over the kids mittens and hats. It would take me a day just to clean the back porch...which I used to maintain during the day when I wasn't working. Most of the above list is what I used to do when I wasn't working...making curtains, painting, sweeping the dirt back into the backyard where it came from, taking the bottles to walmart and things like that.

Then we add more layers of 'stuff' to the plate now that my husband is back to work because the first week, he was in Madawaska, Maine (THE northern tip of the state) then the last two weeks he's been in Michigan, working straight through the weekend. Not only do we miss him terribly, but he's also not here to help out at all. Now that the back yard is drying up, its GROWING and I have to figure out the lawn mower...which is always 'fun' on the maiden voyage every year.

THEN, yesterday I was shopping (another one of my old favorite past times - I LOVE to grocery shop and never seem to have time for that anymore, either) and my husband calls from Michigan and told me that the boss out there has heard so many shining reports of his job performance out there, she was nearly begging him to move out there. He told her he can't afford to move our family with the cost of moving OR the salary and she said, "So, if we pay for your move, will you move out here?" and he said probably would. Which, moving out of state is something that we all, as a family, have resigned ourselves to the fact that this may have to happen and are actually looking forward to the move (except on days like yesterday when it's 70 degrees, sunny and beautiful and the river is flat and the birds are chirping and the ships are running and blowing their horns - I LOVE it here when its beautiful - but most places are like that). So, I start looking, first, for the biggest, most modern-looking high schools I can find in Michigan with large, impressive marching bands for my daughter to be in and when I showed her some of them, she went into another panic attack and started sweating and shaking and crying and got a headache. She says she wants to move desperately, but, literally, we've had offers to move to Boston, Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Southern New York, Erie, etc and she gets her hopes up and then the idea falls through and the ups and downs are killing her.

Also, I don't know if any of you remember her father dying a year ago in Rochester. We found out that his death wasn't just an illness, but a heroin overdose, which TOTALLY took me off guard. My daughter says it doesn't really bother her because she doesn't really remember him (she hasn't seen him since she was 6) but I can't help but think that has to give her some pain or at least add to it. She's had more than her fair share of depressing and stressful things happening to her in the last year.

So, I think the instability of our house at the moment is a big cause of much of the anxiety and stress in our home. We just have to get to a place where we can make a decision and do it and settle down. I have to say, moving to a new locale would be very exciting, but I DREAD the idea of moving all our stuff and leaving our river and moving away from my parents...who are only here for six months of the year, but still...that's six months I wouldn't have with them every year, also.

SO MANY THINGS ON OUR PLATE!! So, I have to find a way to scrape off some of them so things can be more manageable and I really think the salon is one of the scrapable things. I will still have my chair, sink, dryer, mirror, cabinets, etc and I can always open up again someday, but these days, I think my family needs me home for some stability. If I had known my husband was going to lose his job a week after I started it, I definitely wouldn't have started it. I would have gone to Penney's and worked in the salon and had a paycheck and insurance!

Anyhow...I have to go post a new thread about information on good places to live in Michigan, in the event we move there.

Thanks again for ALL of your replies to this and my other threads.

:hug:

If I could offer one more bit of advice, I recommend cardio exercise for both of you, as early in the day as you can get it in.

The reason? I also have anxiety issues (anxiety attacks-the severe ones that mimic heart attack symptoms, and I also have OCD-obsessive compulsive disorder) and I refuse to take meds for it. Cardio exercise, however, creates a similar chemical reaction in the body, as taking an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. Doing cardio regularly, even if you do a quick 10 minutes in the morning-will help to alleviate those symptoms to some degree.

I can tell a huge difference, if I don't do some sort of cardio (treadmill, dance) for a couple of days.

Aphil: I'm a FIRM believer in the healing power of a good dose of sunshine and exercise. Since the weather broke, I've taking Shelley on her roller blades, my son and my dog for a walk almost every day to the park, let the dog run around and play with the kids and just enjoy the afternoon. She has been diagnosed with mild seasonal depression before. In the winter it gets so dark so early...she goes to school in the dark and if she has to stay after for band or whatever, she comes home in the dark.

I've changed my hours at the shop to closing at 3 (with after school hours by appointment) so I can be with them after school and hang out and its been so nice to get that time back and has helped. Especially with my husband back to work now.

Do you know, one of my daughter's favorite forms of exercise is boxing on the Wii. She works up such a sweat! Great for wintertime!

I just wanted to respond to this...NO NO NO! Depression is the result of many many factors, one of which is biological (and IMO, this is a the largest component of it). Definitely be there to listen to your daughter, but it doesn't need to be the minute she gets home from school. As long as you can set aside even 10 minutes a day to give her your full attention, I think you're doing more than many working moms (including me).