Devestated & need advice
 

I've been with several men however I have finally found "the one". I know he is my future husband I love him. He treats me like gold. We are both Canadian and living in British Columbia however he is originally from Quebec and is French. Today he decided that he wants to move back. He has asked me to go with him.

Pros:
- Be with him, very low housing costs (we can purchase a 4 bedroom home for $300,000 as opposed to $800,000 in Vancouver), I would be able to be a stay-at-home mom with living costs (not pregnant yet but we are heading in that direction). I would have the opportunity to attend school while he is working.

Cons:
- Would have to quit my government job (pays well but I can't do shift work (7pm-7am) forever), my family would stay behind. I would miss some of my girlfriends however we are all at the age where marriage and children are becoming the focus. And most of all - I don't speak French. At all. I would be unable to obtain a government job and especially not be able to do the same job I do now. I'm a 911 operator. I would need perfect language skills. However, I am already tired of this work. But my university schoolwork is all geared towards psychology/social services courses which are all government jobs.

I'm willing to learn the language however I think it would take me at least 2 years before any sort of competency. I would not have to work during this time.


I don't know what to do. My gut is telling me to go anyways, and if it doesn't, work, then I go home. He would most likely stay. And that would be the end of it.

Sacha like you said your gut is telling you to go and if it doesn't work out you can come home.

If you don't go you may regret it.

Good luck. I hope it all works out.

Sacha,

As someone who has been married for 26 years, I'd say if you found the 1 then go for it all the rest will workout. Especially since your working isn't going to be an immediate issue take the leap of faith. My older brother was 56 and 4 years from retiring and he was give a promotion but he needed to move from Wisconsin - Texas, he took the move with the plan to go back to Wisconsin when he retired. Needless to say in the 4 years they (wife) were there their lives took some suprising turns and they are now retired there. So you'll never know unless you take the chance. Like the person before me I'd say if you don't go you'll always wonder.

Good Luck
Em

Sacha i would say go with your heart if you love him then things will all work out. many times we have planes for our lives thinking that they are really what we want to do. sometimes we get too focused on them that we let life pass us by. good luck too you in what ever you choose

I guess if he is the one you got to listen to your heart. If you got pregnant, stayed at home and learned French at the same time, well that's 2 years already :)

As the others have said, I would go with your instincts.

After all, when you are old and gray do you really want the regret of not taking the chance? Of letting "the one" get away for trivial things like a job and learning a new language?

Go for it: life is too short to let things like true love pass you by. :dancer:

It's a tough one, but I'm going to say the opposite of the other posters. You might as well be moving to the moon. The only friend you'll have for awhile is your boyfriend, and it can be pretty lonely that way. Not knowing the language is going to be a huge barrier. Not having your own money is going to be a huge barrier.

How about---he goes, and you visit him on vacation in awhile when he gets settled? Stay for two weeks. See what it would be like living there day to day, while he goes off to work. Try going shopping and see what that's like. Try going to the library. Stuff like that. Imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and unable to talk to anyone, essentially confined to your house.

I once left a very good job to be with someone on the other side of the country, and while I don't regret the decision, it was really, really hard--hard in ways that I never expected. I do wish that I had had more time to really try things out before I made the decision, quit my job, and moved.

Jay

I'm gonna agree with Jay on this one. This doesn't need to be All or Nothing if you don't make it into that. There's no reason why you can't test out your time while you're there visiting.

But, I just wanted to point out that if you were immersed in French you'd probably understand it a lot sooner than 2 years. Most people say 2-3 months for a basic understanding. You might not be able to get a job with it, but you'd be able to properly get around town :)

My cousin just married a lovely lovely girl from Kyrgyzstan. As part of her student visa and scholarship, she must return to her country for 3 years.

He is a university administrator and has spent the past few months learning Russian and Kyrgyz to perform the same sort of job there.

My point is, if he can pick up a language that is very different from English, French immersion shouldn't be too difficult. The language is very similar to English.

Like Faerie said, it only takes a few months to be competent, especially if you have him helping you now.

Shoot, I have both Creole patois (which is a smattering of several languages really) and formal French if you ever want to try out your writing skills.

Also, if you want to get a head start there are some at home learning programs like that Rosetta Stone (a little expensive i think, though) that might give you a good stepping stone. Hey, learning French might be useful for other reasons even if you don't live in a predominently French-speaking area.

My suggestion would be to very careful with this decision. I definitely would not say "if you love him then all will work out". You will be very isolated in Quebec. Don't forget that you are moving to a province where people are often unwilling to communicate to anyone speaking English (even if they can understand). The linguistic barrier will be substantial, and for a long time.
You said if things don't work out, you can always return back to B.C. - but where will you live? Do you own your house/apartment right now or are you a renter? If you are renting, that would make it easier.
Go there for a long vacation to see how you would feel about moving there permanently. It takes a long time to master a language to be completely fluent (believe me, I know what I am talking about, I have a degree in linguistics).
So I would say don't rush the decision, consider everything carefully, make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you decide to go for it.
Good luck with your decision.

Sacha,

I am going to second Tomato's note of caution. You say that "today he decided to move back and asked you to go with him". Today? All the sudden? And if he is truly your life partner, perhaps he could have discussed the move with you and asked if you might be interested, willing, rather than telling you that this is the way it is and you can come along for the ride if you want? I don't know the tone that your BF said this to you in, but it raises alarm bells to me. I would try and sit down to discuss it with him, rather than just agree/disagree.

My parents have been mostly happily married for almost 29 years. But at the start of the marriage, they started making moves for my dad's career, and my mom's came second, or she would just find whatever job she could when they moved. As a result she has never felt she has a true career, and has had some job dissatisfaction. As I said they are happy and very much in love, but I my mom has always raised my sis & I to be independent and do what makes us happy in our careers. I suspect her early moves for my dad's career set a precedent in the marriage of who makes the big decisions, and she may have some niggling regrets.

If you are "headed in the direction" of having kids, as you say, I think you should be at the point where you are discussing big life moves. Have you talked this all out with your partner - having kids, being a stay-at-home mom, etc, in reality rather than just theoretical? You say that if the relationship doesn't work out you will just return home and he will stay. If you have kids together, it isn't that easy.

I really do hope you find happiness. I would just be a bit cautious before you dive in.

I would agree with going cautiously...

Making a decision to move is a big decision and should be a joint decision if you are truly partners. Yes you will be isolated not only by the language but also because it is a new area for you.

I do like the idea that maybe he moves and you come visit and see if it is truly for you. I went to visit Montreal and thought it was a beautiful city but even there, not everyone spoke english (or wanted to speak english). If you are in the country or in a smaller city, it would probably be worse.

Originally Posted by Hat Trick:
Why did he decide to move back to France?

Quebec is in Canada.

Thanks for the assistance. I will take everyone's advice into consideration. We have been speaking about it quite a bit (we've even been researching homes in the neighbourhood, checking out commuter times for the train, etc) and he purchased the Rosetta Stone for me already. Last night was just the discussion where it finally "hit me" that this is something that will probably happen within the next six months. I am renting right now (he owns his place), and if I need to come back to Vancouver, I can stay with my parents for a bit.

Thanks again.

No offense, but if he truly is the one, wouldn't you be willing to go wherever he goes? If you wouldn't have to work, then there wouldn't be a problem with whatever job you found. Sounds to me like your job/money is more important to you and I think you answered you own question.

Originally Posted by Faerie:
Quebec is in Canada.

LOL LOL LOL Uh, yeah I know. I misread her original post and thought she said he was moving back to France. Someone must have switched regular with decaf! :dizzy:

Hey Sacha, why did he decide to move back to Quebec? (There, is that better? ;))

I agree with JayEll's advice. Especially the part about going out on your own during the day while he's at work to see how you'll adjust to living there.

Originally Posted by sacha:
Today he decided that he wants to move back.

I find this phrase to be very troublesome. Big decisions such as this should be made by both partners in a relationship. Are you willing to give up your whole life in order to fit into his? What will he be giving up in this transition? I caution you to not make a quick decision on this move as you might have end up with some resentment issues in the future. I agree with the suggestion of going for a long visit to "test the waters."

Regarding this being "the one," I have a somewhat controversial opinion. I don't really believe that each person has only one true love or soul mate out there somewhere in the world. I believe that there may be many possibilities for each of us and it all comes down to choice and opportunity. If you decide not to go with him, that does not mean that you will have missed your one chance at true love and will never get the opportunity to have another awesome and complete love relationship in the future with someone else.

I am from the province of Quebec and there are a lot of good things about the province.

It depends on where exactly he wants to move, but if he wants to move in the Montreal region, chances are you'll be able to get a job anyway even by speaking only English.

If you really love him, I think you should probably give it a go. Quebec is pretty awesome and you will most likely love it here.

Originally Posted by xmalkinx:
I am from the province of Quebec and there are a lot of good things about the province.

It depends on where exactly he wants to move, but if he wants to move in the Montreal region, chances are you'll be able to get a job anyway even by speaking only English.

If you really love him, I think you should probably give it a go. Quebec is pretty awesome and you will most likely love it here.

We'd be going to the north shore, about 30-45 min away from downtown by train (he'll work out there, I'll take the train).

So essentially he would like you to give up your entire life and move with him without any promise or commitment on his part? You say he's the one. Great. When you pictured your life with The One did you picture marriage and kids or just kids? It would concern me that he announced this move without discussing the pros and cons with you first. Sounds to me like he still considers himself a free agent to do whatever he likes.

A huge move away from family, to a place where you don't speak the language and can't work, is going to be a huge strain on your relationship for awhile. There's a chance he won't like being your only social outlet. Personally I would not make a move like that without a commitment on his part.

Maybe I missed something in your post. Are you going to marry this man and then you both are going to move. I think that is wonderful that he understands all the changes for you and is going to be there for comfort and support while you find your way. Education, language so forth. If this is not what you are saying. What is the rush. You are wanting to turn your life upside down for a man that isn't even making a commitment to you. The " 1 " lasts forever or they aren't the one. Why not see each other for long weekends and vacations. While still where you are learn the language. Let him get settled and you two can enjoy being with each other while you get things in your life in order. I am sure it is going to be much easier for you to move there once you can communicate well.

Originally Posted by Robin41:
A huge move away from family, to a place where you don't speak the language and can't work, is going to be a huge strain on your relationship for awhile. There's a chance he won't like being your only social outlet. Personally I would not make a move like that without a commitment on his part.

I'll add a little to this as well. Is he going back to be closer to friends and family? Depending on their language skills you could end up feeling very socially isolated. I think I'd be very cautious as others have suggested. Book a vacation from work and visit first. Montreal is a lovely city, however, start with your French lessons before your vacation. As with other areas of the world, making an attempt in their language goes a long way.

Before visiting, investigate a little about jobs, although if you do any type of job that involves dealing with the public I would suspect French would be required. Although, you may find some jobs that do not require it. So, for the moment let's assume you're going to stay home. Would you be happy doing that? Don't get me wrong, basic tasks, shopping, etc. only require a rudiment of the language. Last winter I spent time in countries I spoke very little (if any) of the local language. It can be done (thank goodness for grocery store clerks who can show you the total once they realise your friendly good morning is the limit of your language).

I was out of Canada for 5 months. Sometimes in countries I didn't speak a word of the language. However, I traveled with someone from home, and the method of transport (ship) had people who spoke English (to some extent). It can at times be very isolating. The people you can have longer conversations with becomes limited. You end up making small talk, using simple words. This can become... trying at times.

Just look before you leap. Good luck with your decision.

Getting the Rosetta Stone is a great idea you can start learning French and when you do move it will be easier for you, in the meantime update your resume and start finding what kind of employment is available.I would stay where you are for now and visit a few times before actually moving.Rent some French Language movies and read some French newspapers.I have visited Montreal and loved it.

Thanks for the advice everyone. We have made the decision to move. I will be attending McGill which is one of the top universities in the country and am enrolled in my dream program (not available where I am now). The language will be difficult but I am going to study it at university during the summer and hope to get the hang of it. He had originally planned to move back before he met me however has stayed because of me.

May everything work out for the best!!! You'll have to keep us updated. :D

My DH is in the Army, and we move a lot. It's hard, but you meet people and you adjust. If he is the ONE, then you can do it. HOwever, there will be a lot of work on your part to learn a language, and go out and meet people and to change everything. I am the one that has to do that, my DH's job is the same, the soldiers are the same, but the spouses and towns and the schools are not. And I have to get it all taken care of.
The biggest advice I can give is to stay close to your friends at home, but make new ones in Quebec. It's very lonely to be at home by yourself all day and it's worse with a kid.
Good Luck

Maggie

PS I do have a question, but don't want to sound rude or judgemental. What about marriage? I would think some sort of long-term public commitment would be good before you gave up everything. And give up your own money. Just a thought

Good Luck To You!

Yay for true love!! :val1:

(I'm a hopeless romantic at heart!)

:goodluck:

It sounds as if the decision has already been made. But just in case, I'm going to try to dissuade you. It doesn't appear as if what others said has had the effect, but who knows, maybe just one more.

Anyway...

1. He's not offering to marry you BEFORE the move.
2. You've given no urgent reason for his needing to move other than "he decided to".
3. Does he have a job already lined up?
4. Where's your guarantee? You may THINK he's the one. You may feel it with all your heart, but what did you think of those other few men before, while they were in your life?
5. You CAN always move back BUT, can you always get your job back?
6. Why the rush that he can't allow you some time to prepare, to learn French before you go?

I had plenty of others, but I've been interrupted like 20 times in 5 minutes and I'm just giving up at this point. LOL

Just really consider all of it before you go. Think with your head and NOT your gut. Then allow your gut a little wiggle room in there. But the first thoughts should come from the head. If the head don't line up with the heart, you're going to have problems down the road. Either homesickness or whatever, but somewhere, they'll clash.

Tu as besoin d'habiter en quebec parce que la langue francaise est tres belle!

(You need to live in Quebec because the French language is beautiful!)

Hopefully I did that right, but yeah it's been a while since I had French.

You will pick it up a lot faster than you think. I think maybe you should take a class at the local college there, if a elementary French language course is offered. That way you can get your basics down and learn the "street language" at the same time through everyday interactions (like going to get your coffee at the coffee shop!)

Go with your gut, remember, decisions are most of the time reversible, and in this case you can always move back home! :) Good Luck!

-Liz.

How long have you been with this man? You say that he is the one, and you love him. I think that's awesome. You also say he treats you like gold. I think that's awesome too, but how long have you been with him? A lot of couples go through that honeymoon phase the first 6 months - 1 year of their relationship, then things may change once you really feel comforatble around each other and it's inevitable that you will have little fights every now and then - no real couple is perfect and never disagrees about anything.

So, I just hope that you have been with him for awhile before you are moving, because if you have only been with him for a short time and you are willing to give up your life for him, you might find out he isn't going to treat you like gold all of the time.

no matter what, good luck with it.

This is probably really late to add, but a LOT of Quebecois speak English very well, and you pick up the French fast. They're also extremely nice about letting you learn your way through, not rolling their eyes and switching to English.

WHAT AN OLD THREAD!!!!!!

How amazing to read :) Thank you for all the support given to me (FYI this is from mid-2008!!!)

We are now married, have a nearly 1 year old son, and have bought our house in Quebec! I have been taking French lessons since I posted this, left my career to be a stay at home mom, and life is peachy.

We stayed in British Columbia for almost 3 more years after I made this thread and built a life together. We have friends and family here in Quebec, somethign we didn't have in BC.

Originally Posted by sacha:
Thanks for the advice everyone. We have made the decision to move. I will be attending McGill which is one of the top universities in the country and am enrolled in my dream program (not available where I am now). The language will be difficult but I am going to study it at university during the summer and hope to get the hang of it. He had originally planned to move back before he met me however has stayed because of me.

I'm glad. Worst case scenario it's a great adventure and you could come back bilingual. Think of what that would do to your ability to get a government job later?

Originally Posted by sacha:
WHAT AN OLD THREAD!!!!!!

How amazing to read :) Thank you for all the support given to me (FYI this is from mid-2008!!!)

We are now married, have a nearly 1 year old son, and have bought our house in Quebec! I have been taking French lessons since I posted this, left my career to be a stay at home mom, and life is peachy.

We stayed in British Columbia for almost 3 more years after I made this thread and built a life together. We have friends and family here in Quebec, somethign we didn't have in BC.

Isn't it great to revisit this old thread and see how well life has turned out for you?

This just makes me smile. I'm delighted for you, your husband, and your son! :)

In hindsight, it was still a risk! Hehe :)