Defining yourself- calling all married women for insight
 

This is kind of a philosophical post. I got married a little over 6 months ago and moved away to live with my husband. I have no friends in the area... and many of his friends that we would hang out with are all moving away to start their own lives. I suppose this is just the way life goes. I am wrapping up the last semester of my degree- a degree that really means nothing to me other than to say that I have it. When I graduated high school my parents literally said "You are going to college, you have no choice." So I randomly chose business because it seemed to be the most applicable. I hate the subject though, with a passion, and I can't wait to be done with it. As time has gone on, I have struggled immensely with trying to define who I am. Growing up, I met my husband at the age of 14, and he's the only significant other I have ever known. I pretty much grew up with him right there. My parents (Mom specifically) were quite strict and controlling, and in order to avoid punishment, I basically followed all the plans they laid out for me. I never got in trouble, didn't drink under age or do any drugs, waited until I was 18 to sleep with my boyfriend (now husband) and basically did everything they asked, including following through with this meaningless degree. Now, I feel so lost- I have been struck with the infamous question of: who am I? I feel like my husband is all I really have taking up my time right now. But I don't want to be defined by him- to be an extension of him. I also don't ever plan on having kids, though it seems like most women can't wait to start having kids, because it's like they feel being a mom gives them purpose. However, too many times, I feel moms are like "I am mommy" and they feel that is all they are, and that just makes me feel more that I can choose just that- to be WIFE or be MOM, and that is just who I am.

I'm new to this whole being an adult thing- just turned 22. I realize that's quite young to be married, but being with my hubby since 14, it was kind of like either S*** or get off the pot. It's not like I regret my decision (I adore the man)- but I wonder if I didn't take enough time to figure out who I was before getting married. So, how do I do that now? How do I figure out who I am, while now having the title as wife? I feel the need for some other purpose, but I don't know where to start looking for it. Any advice to the married women out there? Did anyone feelt he same way? how did you deal with it?

Honestly,

I don't think this is only a married woman thing, it is a coming of age thing. I really thought when I was 25 that I'd be the same woman I was at 20 but I wasn't. I also thought when I got to 30, that I'd be the same woman I was at 25 but again I wasn't. When I hit 35, I don't think I will be the same woman I was at 30.

For me, my early/mid 20s were where I was really struggling to define myself. I was single but on my own. I am also fairly recently married and I am also trying to redefine my role in life as a wife and care giver for my kitties/pup.

My suggestion would be to try to explore and find things that you like. Explore new hobbies, even if you don't think you'd like them. Thought about knitting? How about hiking? How about martial arts? How about giving your time to a charity organization? Take a community class?

You do have a long life ahead of you and you have plenty of time to explore and define yourself and there are a lot of options to do that. Take some time for yourself, away from your husband and try out some new things. You can also do things together but time apart is also important.

I'm not married, but I can see myself in a similar situation, especially since I will be married this coming October. This is really the eternal question isn't it? "Who am I?/Do I have a purpose?"

Do you have a hobby that is uniquely yours? By uniquely yours I mean apart from your immediate family/husband. It might give you something to focus on that's all about you and what you want. I dunno...teaching undersea basket weaving to clams? You won't be shutting anyone out so much as opening yourself to new things.

You don't ever have to choose to be anything. I've given up on the defining. I used to try to think about placing myself where I belong. But, I've found it lead to a lot of suffering, because truth be told, I don't fit ANYWHERE. And I'm most certainly not going to be defined by one title ever. At least, I won't be defining myself by one title. Can't really help what others will do. Mother, wife, sister, tax broker. Those are titles others give us. Everyone is really much more than that. Not that we'll ever truly know what other people are. In the same way that we often "forget ourselves".

Not to mention that we're constantly changing human beings. So, even were I to "find myself" before I get married, chances are five years from now I'm going to be looking for myself all over again. Kind of a daily process. Instead, I've tended to move to a different kind of question. "If I were to die right now, would I be happy with the direction my life is heading?" That's when all those things pop up that I realize I should change very soon. Losing weight was one of those things. If I were to fall over right this very moment in my cube (Oh, please no lol) I'd be happy that I'm making the effort to change my life in a very positive light.

Too often I'd take too much time out of my life to try and figure myself out. Well, now I just do, and I just am. I make my own purposes. And if that eventually makes me a mother (Oh please no lol), wife, sister, tax broker by other people's standards then so be it.

Go out and find something you want to do. Who knows what else will happen when you do?

Hrm. That was rambly. Sorry >_<

Oh, LittleMoonRabbit, what an important set of questions. I married my collage sweetie at 22 as well, and jumped right into a graduate program out of undergrad, because- as you said- it's either a high power carrer or motherhood, right? Well, not for me. I survived the first year in grad school, and knew that I would hate the rest of my life if I continued. So, I left. I broke down and told my husband how miserable I was. Stunningly, he said "I know." I took a year off, worked as a veterinary technician, and decided I liked it. Four years of vet school followed, and for now, I'm a happy vet. My husband made good money as a database manager for years. One night he told me how miserable he was. I said, "I know". He began substitute teaching, obtained his teaching credentials, and is for now, a happy High School Science teacher working on his Masters in Biology part-time online. I guess my main insight is that it sometimes takes a while to know what you like. It's also more than OK to not get it right the first time- I learned more about myself during the "wrong" choices than I ever could have if I had only experienced a string of pure success. And, life will (hopefully) be long! There will be phases in life with different friends, jobs, interests. Thank goodness, or life would stagnate, and you would never learn anything new. And long as you can, give each new experience a chance, enjoy discovering each new interest, and explore what you DON'T like as much as what you do. And I'll bet that your best friend and husband may have some insights that tip you off, too. Hopefully this does not sound too "self-help-y", but revel in the possibilities!

It doesn't really matter how old you are. Self discovery is an on going process through Life. At least it has been for me.

Do you have any interests that you are aware of that you could cultivate? Maybe you could take a class here or there (even with a finished degree) to discover what you'd like to do. If you find something you really would love to do, then you could (if you want) get a higher degree in what you love. Honestly, what your degree is in has less to do with what job you get then the fact that you have a degree. My sister has her degree in social welfare and worked in hotels, managed a coffee shop, and now works for the Red Cross in education.

There are ways to find friends. I know it's hard, I just moved last August to another state. You could join a book club, volunteer for a favorite cause, join an exercise/yoga/dance class, or you could find a church to go to (if thats your thing.)

I just want to say, just in case you ever change your mind (you don't have to), having children doesn't mean that your only role is as a mother. First of all you are a woman and being a mother is only a part of your identity (if you ever decided to become one.) Women have come so far in this day and age and they can make their lives work how they want. Career women can have children and still have a successful career. Just because these women (the mothers) have made decisions you wouldn't make, doesn't mean that it has to be that way for every woman. All ways of living can be satisfying.

Good luck on your journey! You'll do fine. I had the same thoughts after I first got married.

I think it's important to realize that this is normal. It's normal for a 22-year-old to be struggling to find out who she is. And it's normal for a newly married person to be struggling to find out her role as married yet her own person. So you don't have to freak about not knowing who you are, but realize that it's normal and you have the awesome opportunity to try some new things and find out who you are. It may take some time, and some trial and error, but what a journey! Enjoy it!

Do you know what makes you happy??

I remember reading in "O" Magazine last year, "Write down three things that make you happy." I couldn't think of three things.

I quit my job and have been on a "Happiness Journey" since then.

Every morning when I wake up I think, "What will make me happy today. What do I REALLY want to do today." It's eye opening. For a while I couldn't think of anything. But pretty soon, I started being aware of what made me happy. Little things like bees hovering around flowers and the way oranges spurt when you peel them.

The book "Eat, Pray, Love" is awesome.

If you really want to get into a different consciousness pick up "A New Earth, Awakening To Your Life's Purpose." I'm signed up for the class at Oprah.com starting 3/3/08. The book in a nutshell says your world is YOU reflected back at you. If you project negative thoughts your world will be negative. Postive thoughts = positive world.

For me, I need to live in the moment. STOP worrying and just be happy with this very moment, right now. Deep breathing helps me to stop worrying about the future or thinking about the past. I'm MUCH happier when I focus on what is around me NOW.

Trust your instincts. You'll find your way, sweetie!! You are already way ahead of most 22 year olds because you are asking tough questions that many people NEVER ask themselves.

I agree with all the above. Just because you are done with your degree doesn't mean you have to do something in business now or ever.
People "re-invent" themselves throughout their lives. My dad went to college after being married and having 3 children, I was 10 when he did this. He always wanted to teach/coach, so that is what he did.
There are other ways to "re-invent" your self. You can take up dancing, martial arts, new exercise classes, book clubs, yoga, belly dancing, and endless other hobbies where you will meet new friends.
I have been in the same profession since I was 22 years old. I decided at 19 that I wanted to become a nurse. My parents advised me to find something I could do as a job that would support myself and my daughter or go to school. I decided to go to school.
As an RN, I have only worked in 1 area but I knew going into nursing school where I wanted to work. I have had the opportunity over the years to be involved in education of new nurses and management of my area of expertise. Several times through the years I became weary of my job. I considered other professions and going back to school. I rode out those times and found a new love for my work over and over. I still love what I do.
I firmly believe that you NEED to love your work. We spend waaaaay too many hours at work in our lives to not love what you do.
My daughter, who is almost 24, used to become very dramatic about her college classes...she would say "I just don't know what I want to do with my life". My response was, "You can do anything with your life and that can change throughout your life, but please get your degree, it can only help you." I understand your parents encouraging/expecting you to finish your degree. It will only help you. You have shown that you can finish something. You now have been in a mindset of college course work. You should take every opportunity to continue course work and find a subject that interests you. If you wait, then you will become less likely to ever go back to college. Take 1 or 2 classes at a time if you can. If you find something you like, then go for it!
Just because you do something for 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, doesn't mean that is what you have to continue to do.
You must define you, not your job, not your husband, not your parents.

"Who am I," "What do I want to DO with my life,".... I assumed these were questions that I'd have answered at some point. I'm 42, met my husband at 35, married at 36, got a bachelor's degree and master's degree in psychology, a subject I loved, changed careers and trained to be a computer programmer at 33, had to go on disability at 39, love crafting and other hobbies, have had a short story published (always wanted to be a writer) and have been working on several novels for the past 15 years (never can seem to get past chapter 4).

And those questions still crop up over and over again. I used to think I was "lost" and didn't have the focus that other people seemed to have, but I've come to realize that those questions keep coming to me, because I see the world and myself as endless opportunities. I am a different person every year, and sometimes every day, and that's ok. You do not have to be defined... by yourself, by your husband, by if you choose to have them, your children, by your previous history, by your job or degree.

It does sound though that you haven't spent much time doing things for yourself. That is simple (not always easy) to change. Explore your world - books, hobbies, classes, jobs.... It may not give you definitive answers or settle those questions for good, but I think you'll learn to enjoy trying to find out.

Reading this post is the THIRD time today that I have gotten choked up... I am feeling that same "who am I?" "what am I doing?" feeling. I have been married for almost five years, no kids yet, we were married when I was 24. I feel like I have been trying to 'define myself' all my life. I don't think there is a definition for me!

I agree with what everyone else has said here - Look into things you like or things you think you might like. There is a Community College near me that does 'credit free' classes in everything from belly dancing, to wine tasting, to sculpting, to short story writing, to wiccan, to gardening, etc. I have taken a bunch of them, just to see what I like...

Last summer, I decided to have a 'Summer of Sher' (my name is Sherri) and I focused on things I liked - I bought myself fresh flowers - I listened to songs only I liked, etc. Sometimes it's the little things that get you started on the path to bigger things.

I'm 35 and I'm going through the same thing right now. I got married at age 24. At the time, I didn't think it was a big deal to be married so young, but now I'm regretting my decision to do so because I feel like I've missed out on the time I needed to know myself better. In an effort to fix that, I've started getting involved with some community activites, mostly music performance groups, and have begun doing things on my own without my husband. At first, he thought I was abandoning him for greener pastures, but now I think he realizes that I'm much happier being able to pursue my hobbies AND I'm much happier having the chance to learn about myself. My advice to you is to get out on your own and find something YOU like to do and do it. You'll always change and grow, so don't spend too much time trying to 'figure out' what you want to be when you grow up. Experiment and do what feels right to you. That's the only way to be happy.

P.S. Parents always have your best intentions in mind, but it's time for you to take charge of your own life and find your own path.

Thank you to all who responded. I really appreciate it. It's nice to know I am normal and just going through what most people go through, and I am not being weird. I know that I need a hobby, but having a hobby requires money and right now we don't have much of that, lol. However, I do know that when I get out of school and get a regular job, that I would like to take up dancing (specifically, latin dancing). I am also huge on arts and crafts, and would love to make crafts and sell them at shows and church bazaars. I'll just have to wait a few more months to when I get my life more "together" I guess.

Not all hobbies require money. Some are free or at least very cheap. Check out the hobby section in the library and you'll find alot that you can do very cheaply or for free.

My husband and I are on disability and our budget is very, very tight. As a result, only our hobbies keep us sane and they're all very cheap.

Check out yahoo groups, to see if there is a FreeCycle group in your area. This is a group with the goal of keeping stuff out of landfills by giving it away. People give and ask for stuff. Craft supplies come up ALOT, and when my husband first got on disability, we found a cross stitch kit, new still in the package in a thrift store for 25 cents. I asked on freecycle if anyone had cross-stitch supplies they wanted to get rid of and my husband got three huge grocery bags of stuff. I crochet and "reform" fashion dolls. I buy some yarn from a discount store (often sells their yarn at 1/10 to 1/5 of retail price), but buy a lot from garage sales, thrift stores...

There's a really cool book called "painting animals on rocks." Acrylic paints do cost money (unless you can find someone through freecycle who wants to give them away), but you can make every color you need with five colors (red, blue, yellow, white, black). You can buy a color wheel that helps you learn to mix the colors - at Michael's for only $4 I think. Joann's and Michael's both have 40% to 50% coupons quite frequently. At Michael's even if you don't get the newspaper, if you ask at the checkout, they will give you any discount they had in that week's flyer).

Free hobbies that you probably could do immediately with what you have on hand (instructions available online or through the library)

writing
drawing
photoshop "art" (if you own your computer, it might be difficult if you log on at the library)
origami
drying and arranging wild flowers
birdwatching
learning sign language
some sewing (using old clothes to make stuffed animals, quilts.... assuming you have a needle and thread).

Google "frugal crafts" you'll find all sorts of cheap and free hobbies.

Yes, not all hobbies require money :)

Hiking, volunteering, reading, etc are pretty much free. There are others that are fairly cheap.

I met my husband when I was 14, too! We've been married eight years now, and I love him more every day. I've known him over half of my life!

I struggled with this whole defining myself issue when my first child was born. I had quit my teaching job to raise him and I didn't have any hobbies or talents that made me "special". I had always been The Gymnast, growing up. Even through college, I really defined myself as a good student and athlete. Then after college I was The Teacher. But, with no job and facing days alone at home with a baby, I really got stuck in a rut of doing the same things day in and day out and not feeling like I "belonged" anywhere.

Finally, I realized that being a mom isn't anything to look down on. I was still just as smart as I had been. I applied to graduate school and worked my schedule so that I didn't have to leave my son in daycare to get my degree. I started pursuing hobbies that I really enjoyed, like sewing and scrapbooking. I chose to do things that made me happy. I got my Master's degree and, even though I haven't used it professionally, it really gave me a good sense of accomplishment.

Honestly, a lot of my definition of myself is wrapped up together with who my husband "is". I don't know if that's because we move so often (nine times since we've been married!), because I really do enjoy being with him and doing things with him, because we've had to rely on each other to get through tight financial times and many, many times away from family, or just because that's what's convenient and is fine for me. But I do have things that make me "me", that he doesn't enjoy or know how to do.

I don't know if I have one Answer for you. Even if you don't have the money to do the things you really want to do, you can always plan them! Those craft tables will look spectacular once you get around to doing them!!!

Kara