Greetings,

Here's the background:

My "best" friend got engaged last August. I found out via email a few days later. It wasn't even the main subject of the email. At the end she added quickly "Oh yeah, thought you should know I got engaged. Didn't want you to be the last to know." But I was the last to know seeing as co-workers she doesn't even like knew before me. That hurt.

Later I find out that the SIL she has only recently been able to stand will be Maid of Honor. She'll go on about our 10 year friendship, saying I'm her best friend and yet forgets me for the women who talked her into highlighting her hair. She hated this chick for the first few year she knew her. To top it off, I'm not even second in line. The SIL-to-be is. Its great to see that my friendship pales in comparison to her drinking buddies. Again, that hurt.

Last but not least, my work scedule is 5 pm to 1 am Wednesday - Sunday. I knew it would be problem when it came to dress shopping but my friend assured me everyone would work around it so I could be included. A few weeks ago she let me know that they went shopping. Everyone got their dresses. She apologized, saying it was spontaneous, and promised to take me another day. I have yet to recieve the pictures she promised or to schedule a day to go. It really hurts to know that I was the only one left out. Everyone else had a good time and enjoyed the experience while I had no clue.

The dress shopping is what broke the camel's back. I'm so sick of having promises broken (not the first time she's done it). This friendship has been going down the drain ever since she began dating the fiance. I really don't want to shell out $150+ and take time off work for someone I don't care for anymore and obviously doesn't care about me.

I'm I being selfish? I'm I taking this the wrong way? Is this how the bride-to-be is suppose to treat her "best" friend? How do you politely tell someone that you don't want to be in their wedding anymore (the wedding isn't until August so it's not like I'm doing this last minute.)

Sorry if it got a little long. I wanted the whole story told. Thanks in advance to anyone with some advice.

-Meghan

Since you/she aren't out any money yet -- if you are not comfortable being in the wedding, I think it would be okay to opt out. Do you think maybe she asked you to be in it because she just felt she should. Nothing personal, really -- I had a friend ask me to be in her wedding and I could just tell she did it more out of some sort of obligation than anything -- I had moved out of state and was unable to do this and she honestly didn't seem at all upset. If you don't want to, you have the perfect schedule for an excuse. If she is a good friend, she will understand -- if not, that's life.

hello Meghan i am sorry your going threw this i know it can hurt. i don't know that i have good advice or not but i know i have been friends with mu bf for 15 years now and she come second only to my husband. i think some women do not really know what a good friend is or how too be one..... i would not feel bad about telling her you do not wanna be in it she don't act like she really wants you too now.

First of all, it was not "spontaneous bridesmaid dress shopping"... please.

You can opt out for any reason that you'd like. Just tell her that, with what's going on in your life you can't really do what's going to be necessary for being a bridesmaid in her wedding, and you don't want to be unfair, but you REALLY want to come to the wedding to enjoy her special day! (Even if that's a load of bull... who cares? It sounds nice )

I'm sorry that you were hurt. Unfortunately, friendships change. It's a bittersweet fact of life.

If it's important enough to you, and you DO actually want to stay in the wedding, then you need to talk about it. If the friendship is important enough, then you need to talk about it.

If not. Politely distance yourself.

Sigh. I don't think you're being selfish. I think she has other things on her mind, and you are not one of them. That hurts, but at least it's "how it is."

Tell her that you want to come to her wedding, but not be "in" the wedding. She might go on for a bit, saying she wants you to be in it "so much"--but if she is too insistent, just point out that she's not really going out of her way to include you, and it would be less friction for you both if you bowed out. TRY NOT TO FIGHT over this. Just back away with a smile. It may be the end of the level of closeness you have had in the past, but as you said, you were kinda the last to know anyway, so it looks like that closeness is gone anyway.

Develop some new friendships, or concentrate on other you already have.

And that's my 2 cents...

Jay

I wonder if she thinks you don't approve of her fiance? It seems that things have changed for you guys since she got involved with her relationship. Maybe a heart to heart talk would be in order. Maybe she feels very obligated to include family first (weddings can bring out very odd dynamics).

Life changes people, and it sounds like you need to decide how much you want to continue being friends with her. That may be your choice or it may be hers.

I'm sorry....

You have no idea what kind of pressures she might be under from her family or her fiance's family. Weddings bring out the best and the worst in people and she could be feeling forced to have her future SIL as her MOH or to go dress shopping around their schedule or whatever.

I would suggest, if you really really really feel that she's your best friend, that you take her out to dinner or lunch or for drinks sometime. Ask her how things are going with the wedding planning. Say that you really want to be more involved, but you get the feeling that there's something else going on. Mention that you were disappointed to not be included in the dress shopping - but do NOT start with recriminations or accusations or anything. Ask first. Ask what you can do to help.

She may be all cheery and "oh it's nothing" in which case you can say that you're going to ahve to bow out. Or you might find out that she's feeling pressured and stressed and needs her best friend to help and be supportive while she figures out how to handle new family responsibilities.

I work with weddings all the time and I've seen every variation of behavior on the face of the earth. A lot of times things with the bride aren't always what they seem.

If she's your BEST friend - approach her with love and concern first. And communicate. Then go from there to make the decision as to whether or not the friendship is worth nurturing or letting it drift.

.

Ugh. I lost my best friend this year over something very very stupid. In the long run...I'm no longer sad...yes, it took me 6 months to get over it...however, I have realized that I was a much better friend to her over 18+ years we have known each other than she ever was to me. Funny thing is...I stopped hanging out with her (beautiful, can eat what she wants, gets all the guys attention) and was finally able to commit to losing the weight...seriously...girl eats pizza & pasta every day out to eat!!!...long story short...it was better for me in the long run...she rarely crosses my mind...and I do know that she will need me one day....but I won't be there for her...not out of spite, but because I know that I am better off without her in my life......

So...not sure that the above has anything to do with your question...I know I certainly didn't answer yours....but...it happens...friends do grow apart...and it is sucky...but the good news is it is probably meant to be and not the end of the world...I wouldn't be in the wedding...

Shelby897: She probably does feel obligated. When we finally talked after the engagement email I said something along the lines of “oh god, now I’m going to have to squeeze into some frilly taffeta monstrosity aren’t I?” Her reply was “oh, you want to be a bridesmaid? I didn’t think you’d want to get all dressed up with makeup and all.” That right there should have told me something. I probably wouldn’t have been asked if I didn’t say anything.

Faeri: Yeah, no one believes that it was spontaneous. Five women just happen to all be available on the same day? Two have children that would have needed watching. We had the “opt out” conversation before. I wanted out because of money and my schedule. “No I really want you to be in it. You’re my best friend. Blah. Blah. Blah” That how we got to her assuring me that they’d work around my schedule. After all this I don’t even want to attend the wedding. I’m at the point after 4 years of BS where I don’t care about what happens in her life.

JayEll: It just sucks that everyone else is on her mind except me. It would be one thing if others were being overlooked but it seems to just be me. It been like that for a while now. We already had the opt out conversation and you pretty much hit the nail on the head. As I said to Faeri she went on and on about how I needed to be in it because it would mean so much since I’m her best friend. I can’t be that important if you leave me out of everything.

Midwife: I get along with the fiance better than I get along with her! We’ve had heart to hearts when she was dating him. Things get better for a month or two and then we’re right back where we started.

Photochick: I doubt she’s under much pressure. Both families are very laid back regarding the wedding. My friend and her finance are at the reins doing what they want, putting people in their places. I think it’s just her. She’s been like this for a while. Say one thing, do another. Make promises, break them. Not realizing how her actions effect others. I did mention I was disappointed at not going shopping. Came out and said it the moment she told me they all went. That’s when she apologized, said it was spontaneous and would take me another day.

Gatoramada: In the back of my mind I’ve known that this friendship is basically over. Just like you, I’ve been the better friend. I actually follow through with what I promise to do!

All in all, I really think I need to opt out of the wedding and the friendship. It’s hanging by a mere tatters at this point. When I think back over the last few years all I see is stress, BS, and a tons of broken plans and promises. There’s no enjoyment left. I’ve been a idiot for staying this long. It would be better if it were just over. Thanks to everyone for their advice. We’ll see how this goes.

-Meghan

Meghan - it does sound like it's time to cut ties. I'm really sorry. I know from personal experience (recently) how hard it is when someone you thought was a really good friend disappoints you and hurts you.

My best advice would be not to do it with recrimination or accusation. Just say something like "You know, I've decided that it would be best if I stepped down as a bridesmaid." Keep it friendly and level and just keep reiterating that you think it would be best ... no detailed discussions or explanations. And then let the friendship die a natural death. No scenes or anything like that.

Again, I'm really sorry. I've been there - all too recently in fact.

.

I wouldn't suggest cutting dies, but a little distance will go a long way. You can certainly opt out of being part of the wedding party, you can cite the many things you've missed out on already. You can assure her that when the wedding comes, you'll certainly be there to wish her her your best and celebrate with her.

Less stress and a better dress