DH busted my bubble!!!!!!
 

Well, I bought a beautiful red dress for when I reach goal. It is a v-neck wrap dress. I was gonna wear it when i lose the weight and me and my hubby can go on a date and see me as sexy once again (he says I'm sexy no matter what). I wanted to wear it to really impress him and so that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me (heeheehee). Well, I decided that I wasn't gonna show the dress to him till the date but come yesterday and he begged to see it. I showed it to him and he had nothing but negative things to say about it. He said it was hoochie, hoodrat, and too revealing. I am so hurt by it and now I'm gonna return the "goal" dress because there's no meaning to it now. Now that I know what he really thinks about it, I don't want it anymore. He has nothing good to say about anything anymore. He has become the most negative person I know on this planet. I told him that it was meant for him and for him to see me as sexy and it was for me to wear to intice him and "seduce" him and he had to go and say that. All I could do was cry. And he totally doesn't see what he did wrong. He thinks that I'm the one who is going crazy now. He thinks I am not who I used to be because I cry alot now and get frustrated with him alot now and take everything he says to heart. Well, he suffers from PTSD and he's not getting any better, of course I'm gonna cry alot, I hurt. I hurt because he can't do or say anything nice to me anymore. AAaaaaahhhhhhhh. So there goes my beautiful dress. Oh, and to top it off, I have the hardest time finding cute clothes at a reasonable price and I found this one. I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it. I have a hard time finding clothes period. Well, i guess there goes that article of clothing.

I hope you don't get rid of the dress. Wear it for you. You've earned it! I hope your hubby can get some help with the PTSD, but he was just plain mean. I think men can sometimes feel threatened when a woman becomes strong enough to change herself from the inside out, which is what you're doing. I really believe that changes we make within ourselves need to be for ourselves, and nobody else. So keep the dress! You've worked so hard for it!! I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

Hugs,

Jenny :o)

First off...i would go buy another dress...not tell dh about it and use that as motivation.

If your hubby has PTSD this may be a lot of the issue. He may also be worried about giving you too much praise. He probably sees you loosing weight and is worried about you leaving him when your thinner. i would reommend a few things....first i think its time to get your feelings out. I think if he's not seeing a counselor for his PTSD...he needs too. I'm assuming he developed his PTSD from being in the military (could be wrong). Not sure if he's still in the military. I know the military still sort of frowns on couseling about issues...but they are getting better. They are accepting that PTSD really does happen. Its time for him to work things out and also time for you guys to work things out. I think you guys should go to marriage counseling for a variety of reasons...it will bring out your emotions and discuss things. I'm not sure why your DH is being mean, but its time to get things out. There's no reason you should cry all the time. Also, you need to start fousing on you. Don't worry about what he doesn't say. Be happy for your weight loss yourself. Tell us about it. We'll be more than happy to give you cheer for every vicotry. Good luck and hang in there. I think its time to start working on some stuff....good luck..and congrats on the the 10lb wt loss

That is just so mean of him, especially as he knew it meant so much to you. Does he know how much his comments upset you or did you go away and cry on your own? I think you need to give him a wake up call and tell him just what you think about him.

Kitty

Men are so insecure, husbands especially worry that if you lose weight you might look attractive to other men. I hope you do!You don't have to act on it.

You know--I am really sorry that you felt so bad! :( But I have to say, it was a setup for disaster!

If I were in your place, I wouldn't be buying any more hot, sexy red dresses in anticipation of reaching your goal and getting your husband all excited until I was closer to my goal weight. Otherwise, it's just asking to be derailed in your program. You feel like giving up, don't you? You must not do that! You're down 10 pounds now... you are doing so well! :cheer2: :cheer2:

Are you losing weight for him, or for yourself? Because it better be mostly for yourself... :yes:

Jay

I sat there and cried in front of him and all he could say was, "what's wrong with you now? everything bothers you and all you do is cry." I try to tell him how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and he just shakes his head and walks away. Last night my best friend told me to write a letter of how I was feeling and why. I did. I had soo much to say that my words and thoughts were so scrambled. I don't know if he read the letter, he hasn't said anything to me today. He hasn't called or anything. My friend said that from now on, if he's not listening to what I'm saying I should just write letters to him till he can learn how to listen again. We used to be sooooo good together. Things used to be so good and we used to be so happy. Yeah, he was in the military and went to iraq. When he came home, that's when everything went downhill. He never used to be so mean. He used to comment me all the time on how good I looked even if I was 200 lbs. Now, he has nothing but negative things to say to me. I don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me. and he knows it, he's told me.

it's a weight loss 100% for me and my kids. It's not for him. We've been married for going on 7 years now and he's seen me at my worst. I know he won't leave me if I'm 1,000lbs. I'm losing weight and changing the way I eat because of my family medical history. I don't want to suffer from all the health problems. I want to be able to walk up stairs and not hurt. I want to be able to grow with my kids and see them have children. It's all for me, not him. It was a dress I wanted to buy because I thought it was sexy and I thought he would've thought the same thing. It just tore my heart.

I too have a critical husband whom I *unconciously* look to for approval all the time. It is a MISTAKE and you have to know in your heart that you don't NEED his approval - you need to approve of yourself and you know you are doing great and are in control of yourself!!! Other people don't change very often or very much so we can only change the way we react to them. You can still love him and not depend on him to provide approval. Think about things that you can do to feel good - take a walk or a bath or clean out a drawer or watch something funny just to make you laugh. Did you know that just pretending to smile starts to release happy brain chemicals so that you do start feeling better? So if you watch something that makes you laugh, like America's Funniest Videos or something stupid on youtube, it will help you feel better. Get your mind off of him and on to good things you can do for yourself.:cheer2:

Keep the dress, it makes you feel beautiful. Hit your goal, wear it for a fabulous evening out with girlfriends. Convince your husband he might benefit from counseling, sounds like he has some stuff to work through as well!

akandrews-thanks for the wonderful advice. thats something to really ponder upon. i am trying so hard to gain my confidence and self esteem. i'm trying so hard to do EVERYTHING on my own. i'm trying to gain my strength again. Thanks so much for everyones advice.
I think I'll return the dress now that I know how he feels about it. I don't want to wear something he'll think I'll look like a hoochie in. I will look for another dress and not tell him and let it be for MY goal. It'll be something I will feel sexy in. I'm tired of trying to impress him and not getting the results I wanted because of his disorder and his depression and his insecurities. I know what I'm doing and what I'm aiming for. It is my body and my goal and my health. I will look sexy for myself. I will feel good for myself. I will change the way I feel about myself. Oooohhhhh, I have alot to work on.

i know how you feel, and that's exactly what I'd do, but don't, don't take the dress back, keep it and when you reach your goal, put that beautiful dress on and go out in it,without DH,Men are so..........stupid.........sometimes and right now, he might be having a hard time seeing you in the dress,but when he does actually see you in it,walking out the door to have a good time in it with people who do appreciate you and your weight loss and your dress, without him, he'll totally change his tune girlfriend.

One more thing.... you don't have to do EVERYTHING for yourself...
that's what GIRLFRIENDS are for... most men are just not very good at giving us the kind of support we need... you don't need lots of friends just a few good ones

well, when I say everything, I mean stuff like self esteem issues, internal strength, motivation, you know what i mean. I need to be strong again. I need to be able to stand on my own. Yeah go to my husband for advice and support but what really matters is what I think and what I'm doing for myself.

i also suggest maybe seeking some gf out for advice/counseling. It sounds like you need people to talk to...and since dh doesn't want to do it. Try to hang out with gf who support you and let you vent...and if they dont' want to...seek help of a conselor so you can just talk out your feelings...sometimes all we need to do is talk to people. Find people to listen. Hang in there girl

It sounds like there's bigger issues going on here than a dress. Your DH will have to get some counseling I'm sure and work through his own issues. You need to keep taking care of yourself and just working on you. I hope eventually, one way or another, this wearing away of your self esteem stops. In the meantime keep up all the good work. You are doing great!

Yeah, I have one friend here I always call to vent. She's so good. She's a wonderful friend. She's suggested things to do and she's always there to listen even if its 3 in the morning. She's a really good person.

Ahh poo on him :snooty: Men are sooo silly when it comes to that kind of stuff.

I wouldn't get rid of it. Keep it and wear it with pride when you reach your goal - if he doesn't like it... well tough for him.

I am sorry to hear this. That was not very nice of hubby to be negative about the dress. I would probably get rid of it because (as I know myself) I would always associate the dress with the comments he made about it - but you maybe different, so do what will work best for you. You definitely deserve a dress twice as glamorous once you are at your goal weight.
Cyber hugs to you.

I'm going to wade in on this one. However, I am going to preface my note with this .... PTSD is very real and very frightening. He needs to seek treatment and you should too. There are lots of options for these kinds of disorders nowadays and nobody needs to live in constant distress.

Now, just in case this is about just plain old husbands ... bless their empty little heads! But men just don't think like we do.

Let's call our imaginary husband Bucky.

Bucky don't know schtit from shinola when it comes to tears, depression, self-esteem, validation ... He wants to fix things. If he tries, it often makes things worse and if he doesn't know how ... he either tries sumthin' or goes empty headed and flounders.
Bucky could be thinking many things ...
... that don't look right to me
... you look different and I don't like it
... we never go anywhere fancy enough for a dress like that
... I'm not good enough to go anywhere fancy enough for a dress like that
... we can't afford a dress like that, a place like that
... it's my fault we don't go anywhere that you can wear a dress like that
... I'm a dud and you're so fancy
... you don't need to impress me, what did I do that makes you think that
... naked is better
... I want to see the rest of what's revealed, but I don't want anyone else to want to
... I keep tellin' ya that naked is best
... I don't care what you're wearing (as long as you're covered) and you get naked when we get home
... how many times do I have to tell you that naked impresses me very much

In case you feel that is a bit irreverent ... it is. But ... men are funny creatures.

This was going to be my EXACT advice! I would buy another dress in secret for a night with him... but i would take the dress you love... and go out on the town with friends! Drinks and sushi would be my ideal night with friends!

I have to say that I don't agree with keeping the dress and using it for a girls night out. If you love your husband and want to stay together I would consider that a bit below the belt tbh, as it could easily be seen as an attempt to either make him jealous or to move on to greener pastures.
I have no insight to what PTSD really does to a person, but to me it is clear that your husband needs some outside help. No matter how much you two love each other, some things are best solved with the help of someone who isn't living in the middle of it.
I really do think that the criticism might stem from insecurity or other issues that your husband are having.
Please know that I'm not trying to defend him though. What he said was completely out of order, and I'm so sorry you had to experience that.
I very much second the poster who suggested that you do things that make YOU feel good, that don't depend on other people making you feel good, and also that you get another goal outfit, keep it to yourself, and then wear it and feel fab!

I love all your comments. It has really helped me overcome this one. Yeah, I don't know exactly for sure what I'll do with the dress but IF I do come across another red dress (red is his favorite) I'll buy that one and use it for a night with him. I really do like that dress but it's hard to keep when he feels that way about it. I am like tomato-I would associate the comments with the dress everytime I wore it. That's the only reason why i would return it. SusanB-I love your advice. That really helps me see what he might be really thinking and feeling about the dress. I love your comment "bless their empty little heads". lol. It is so true. Thank you everyone.

I think you're dealing with 2 different things here.

1) Many partners are threatened when someone starts losing weight. They fear that the slimmer partner is going to leave them/attract more people

2) Someone going through a situation that causes PTSD can sometimes be so deeply enmeshed in their own intense pain that they lose the ability to empathize/sympathize with others. Not to mention irritability and lashing out are often symptoms of PTSD.

Is he in treatment for PTSD? Since it was military, are there other spouses you can turn to for support to share comping strategies?

Now as to buying clothing for a goal, I tend to agree with JayEll that it can be an invitation to self-sabotage. What I do is I don't buy clothes unless they fit, but I do allow myself some clothing rewards when I get down to a smaller size. Mostly, since my body size/shape is in flux, I try to get bargains, but I do treat myself to at least one good work outfit & one good going out outfit each time I go down a size.

And if I need rewards between clothing sizes, I buy music or get a pedicure/manicure, etc. Or buy some bath products. You've lost 12 pounds so far, that is great! And you're only 4 pounds away from "Onederland". Having hit that mark myself, it's great psychologically to get there. Keep up the good work and you'll be there before you know it!

well, i bought the dress because i have an extremely hard time finding clothes that i really really like. And I wanted to buy a semi-sexy dress and I found it so I bought it. i am deeply hurt by everything. And this is just something the size of a grain of sand compared to everything else i've got to deal with. That one just really really hurt me. I wanted to feel sexy in it and now I will associate the words he said with the dress. I will return the dress, I don't want to "feel" like a hoochie everytime I wear it. He talks to a counselor about his PTSD but I don't think he's telling the counselor the truth about things. I need to take it into my own hands and call his counselor and tell him what is going on so he knows what to do to help him.