[crayola]

This may be the wrong forum for this rant, but I need to get it out somewhere. I know I'm officially overweight and I could probably eat better and exercise more, but people's assumption seems to be that I'm fat because I eat like a pig and do little to no physical exercise (although they themselves have admitted their body type is one where they could eat anything and not gain a pound).

These people are not rude about it, but when we're walking together for example we end up taking the stairs, even when they themselves aren't the active type and would prefer the elevator. And if we order something to eat, they would suggest a vegetable alternative for me even though they themselves eat meat all the time. I think it irritates me that they see me as someone who needs help or don't know any better? That they have one set of standards for themselves and another set just for me? (I can't figure this part out yet.) Can anyone relate?

[EagleRiverDee]

Well- I can see two different possibilities here, and maybe they can occur at the same time.

One- yes, absolutely it's annoying as crap when other people decide to be your diet/exercise police. That's irritating. You can tell them to knock it off, if you can figure out a way to do it in a manner that preserves the friendship (assuming you want to preserve the friendship). There's another thread here where we kind of discuss that and how really people should keep their mouth shut unless asked.

Two- if these people are close to you, they could be doing this out of love. Are you overweight, or are you obese? Do you really exercise? Do you eat crap, or do you eat healthy? If they're close to you, they'd know as well as you do, and they might be more realistic about it. In today's culture, overeating is so simple to do. I was seriously overeating. I ate a lot of healthy food, but I ate a LOT of healthy food, if you know what I mean. But I'd have one plate and think, that's just one plate. Well, yeah, but it's a 12" plate. And I thought I was active, until I got a fitbit, and found out I was doing somewhere between 4k-5k steps a day. Maybe this doesn't match you at all. Maybe you go to the gym every day, and you do eat healthy, and you're only a few pounds over where you should be and your friends/family are judgmental punks. Or, maybe they love you and you're not being realistic. I just suggest you think about that and be honest with yourself.

Finally- absolutely someone of a healthy weight and exercise level can have a different standard for you if you're not. My husband is lean and healthy. He eats pasta, pizza, etc. I don't eat those things, because if I do it goes to my belly, butt and thighs. He plays volleyball once or twice a week, I work out nearly daily. Now to be clear, he's not pushing me to not eat something or to work out more (which does make it different from your friends) but he's also not trying to match my level of exercise and eating habits because he doesn't need to. Maybe your friends work out in the morning before work or after work and so they don't need to take the stairs, but they love you enough to do it anyway. You know? I guess as annoying as it is, try to think of what their motivation is. You may not be as healthy as you think you are. Or you may need better friends. Only you will know but try and be super honest with yourself about the answer.

[bloominbutterflies]

I think skinny people can have a very ignorant view on bigger people. Weight gain doesn't happen over night. Just because you saw them eating Wendy's one day does not suddenly mean they eat fast food everyday...mega calories, and that's why they are fat.

Weight gain is mostly slow and sneaky. It's that extra 100-200 calories a day we don't need that turns into lbs and lbs of fat over a long period of time.

Oh, and as far as your friends go, I would tell them not to try to help you. Some people LOVE advice, LOVE direction from others for their diets...obviously you are not one of them and neither am I actually.

[Palestrina]

In my experience if people are giving you advice it's usually because you're inviting it in some way. Skinny people love telling fat people what to do and will look for any sign that you need help. Even the smallest comment you make might invite them to do so. You have to be extremely careful not to put yourself down in any way. Women do this so much. They say things like "I'll be bad today and eat this cookie." That, to a skinny person, is admission that you are BAD. Or if someone compliments your outfit and you make a degrading comment about yourself in return. Or if you bring up your need to lose weight. Or if you tell someone you're dieting. These types of degrading comments towards yourself are a perfect opportunity for someone to step in and give you advice.

So I'm thinking who in their right mind would make a "suggestion" to me about eating a vegetable instead of something else I was ordering without fearing their lives? Because I don't give anyone an indication that I'm uncertain about what I'm going to eat, or that I'm ashamed of how I look or how I'm eating, or that I'm uncomfortable about my body. So I urge you to look at your own behavior because people will treat you the way you ask them to treat you, whether you do so directly or indirectly.

[crayola]

Originally Posted by Palestrina

So I urge you to look at your own behavior because people will treat you the way you ask them to treat you, whether you do so directly or indirectly.

I admit to jokingly brag about finally having gym membership, but other than that I don't make comments about my eating habits, my weight, my looks, etc.--or anyone else's, for that matter, that may indicate I have issues with mine. I admit to having some insecurities about my body every now and then--don't we all?--but otherwise I'm content about being myself and don't appreciate being condescended to.

Your view that people will treat you the way you ask them to treat you sounds horrible. Would you say gay people have it coming because they refuse to conform with the rest of the population? Do you think a third-grader who's being bullied because she has a funny name or wears glasses has herself to blame and had better start looking at her own behavior because it's probably something she did? The reality is even well-meaning people don't always have the empathy to understand not everyone thinks like them and may project their own insecurities on other people.

Around high school and college, people who hadn't seen me in a while would see me and ask "Have you lost weight? as part of the initial small talk. This was when I was not Hollywood thin but certainly didn't need to lose weight. I repeat, these people hadn't seen me in a while. Now was it really my behavior that called on this seemingly harmless but really offensive question, or was it just their own belief/expectation that a girl in that age rant probably wants/needs to be Hollywood thin? (For the record, eventually I did feel like I was fat and needed to lose weight. They sure won that battle.)

[Palestrina]

Originally Posted by crayola

Your view that people will treat you the way you ask them to treat you sounds horrible. Would you say gay people have it coming because they refuse to conform with the rest of the population? Do you think a third-grader who's being bullied because she has a funny name or wears glasses has herself to blame and had better start looking at her own behavior because it's probably something she did? The reality is even well-meaning people don't always have the empathy to understand not everyone thinks like them and may project their own insecurities on other people.

Wtf you totally did not understand what I wrote. This is so off base I am physically ill that you interpreted what I wrote in this way.

No, you don't have it "coming to you" and that is not what I said and not what I meant. But your initial post alluded to some broad general "they" that seem to treat you badly. And if everyone is treating you that way then YOU are in charge of putting an end to that. Like I said, nobody questions me about what I eat and I don't fear that anyone ever will. It wouldn't go down well for them and I would put an end to it. But if you're getting patronized and scoffed at by a lot of people then you have to take a look at how you are handling these situations and why they are so common. People only touch a hot stove once before learning that it burns. Be a stove.

[Rosinante]

"Be a stove".

Absolutely love it

[EagleRiverDee]

Based on your response to Palestrina, I'm now left wondering how much these people are actually being critical and how much you're simply interpreting it that way. If your response to Palestrina is indicative of how you are normally, you take things the most negative possible way. Perhaps you need to apply a little more charity to how you view what people do and say. It'll make you and them happier.