weight and relationships
 

lately i've been feeling the affect of my weight on my happiness. i'm attaching my inability to be in a relationship to my weight, i guess i see my weight as being something men do not want. i'm 23 years old and all i've been craving lately is some sort of interaction. it's been several years since i've even kissed anyone. i've been fine, it's just that at some point in my life, i'd love to get married... have kids.

i can't get over that if i was thin or even thinner that this would not be a problem for me, that i could love and be loved. i'm a sex and the city addict and i watch this show religiously. on the show my favorite episodes are the ones dealing with carrie and aiden & carrie and mr. big. i see those episodes and wonder when i'll be able to be in a situation like that.

what are everyone's experiences with this? is this just a matter of my personal issues? my friend keeps telling me that i'm brain washing myself. i'm willing to admit that i am probably my own worst enemy. i know what i've said sounds really bad, but its how i feel. i know there are men out there that look past the physical person.

I thought I might have been in your situation
 

Then I realized that I am smaller now than I have ever been in my adult life, and my sex life is suffering now as it never has before:o I think of myself as being unattractive now, whereas I never did before. I tell myself that I am happy being single and that I don't miss the nagging and questions and just plain yuckiness of having a boyfriend. But I must admit, when I didn't care what I looked like and I had loads of self-confidence, I had loads of men, too! Maybe it's what's on the inside that's throwing men off, hmmmm? What can we do?

maybe its the lack of self-esteem and self-confidence that shows through... who knows. i'm making a resolution and i'm going to believe more in myself this year.

Good idea!
 

I am trying to get past that feeling that I am unattractive and unworthy, but like you, I haven't found many men who look past the outside. I thought I had one recently, but he fell for my friend who weighs 98 pounds and wears DD bras. She has nothing between her ears, but that is beyond the point. Go figure! Surely, someday, somewhere, I will meet mister perfect. For now I've given up on Mr. Right, and I would settle for Mr. Right-Now!:dizzy: Anyway, being single has given me great insight into what I am and what I believe in, so I look on it as a learning experience of sorts. Besides, I watch all my friends who are in relationships and think their boyfriends are jerks, they fight all the time, and they never act happy. Who needs it??

For me its all between my ears
 

I have a boyfriend who is slim and trim and who adores me, but I often find myself wondering what he sees in me, since I'm overweight.

Does anyone else ever think that way?

Recently, I came to the realization that its my problem and not his. I'm an attractive woman who is loving and caring to others, so why is it difficult for me to accept that a man loves me for me?

It has to do with that thick space between my ears! Its all fine and good to work on my outer self, but god help me if I don't also change the negative self image. The insidious and vicious cycle will continue if I don't change how I think. The weight is coming off slowly, and I'm learning that regular exercise is a wonderful thing for both the body and the spirit. I also do daily affirmations to fight that harsh critic in my head. So far, so good. But I always have to keep in the moment and not go off on, what - ifs thoughts. LOL and here I thought that it would be the healthy eating and exercise that would be the hardest!!

A friend once told me that people can feel how I see myself. At first, I didn't understand what she meant but now I do. Now, when a man approaches me, I don't get all tensed up and defensive. I learning to love myself again. And by doing that, I'm able to accept love from others.

Its a damn good feeling that I wish for everyone

D

Great point, divine!
 

The monster within me is constantly telling me how unworthy I am, how ugly and unattractive I am. I have to stand up straight and tell that monster where to go!!!!!!!!! You are so right!

my boyfriend is also skinny. i outweigh him by about 20ish pounds, and i'm shorter. i also wonder why he likes me, at times. i wish i could see myself through his eyes. he sees feminine curves where i see fat thighs and a rounded tummy.

i feel best about myself when i'm active though. walking or running. alternating between chasing my demons and being chased by them. i feel strong in karate, and when i snowboard. my personal theme song right now is stroke 9's how many people want to kick some ***.

i think that'll be my goal for the new year....kick some ***.

a

I'm 45 and 5'5", and was at my highest weight 5 years ago. I felt pretty much what Cherry and Goodforme are relating. It showed by the losers I dated and how even they never stayed around very long. I now know I created my own self-fulfilling prophecy by acting and allowing people to treat me "less than".

My final straw was in Oct '97 when yet another guy decided he wasn't attracted to me. This time I had photos and really got to see, what he saw. Now I'm not saying losing weight is critical to finding a man - cause eventually we need to find someone will accept us for who we are and not the fantasy... but I wasn't happy with what I had physically become, and I certainly wasn't thrilled about the inside either. For me the inside was projecting outside.

For some reason, this time I got angry and determined. So much that I really followed through, and was able to focus. Three areas were key to making me feel better about myself...

One - work (I was in sales and I jammed and got on a roll)... two, exercise (I signed up and completed a Marathon training program - walking. I met wonderful people and ended up helping to coach them... and three I joined Weight Watchers and lost 25 lbs. The amazing Weight Watcher group support helped so much.

Ditto the training group - I probably would have quit if not for the comraderie... Instead, it strengthened my resolve and I started having FUN. Yes fun. And when you're happy it shows.

Between the training and the incredible WW leadership and support, I lost the first 20 lbs and became fit... for probably the first time in my life. One month after I finished my first Marathon in April '98, I met my husband-to-be, fell in love, reached goal that July, and got married in Nov '98 (yes - he pursued the heck out of me and did not want to wait any longer!)

It's been almost 3 ½ years since reaching goal (and 5 marathons)... I do slip back, and find I need new things to get me out of myself. Those punishing demons never seem to go away for me, but I know I deserve the husband I have... and he knows it too.

relationships
 

I understand about relationships. I have been married for 8 years. About 5 years ago, my sex life went to about 3 times a year. This is when I started putting on weight so I figure that is the reason my husband is not interested in me that way anymore. I have gained about 50 lbs. Karen

It all comes down to self esteem
 

If you think you're great, then other people will too. If you think you're sexy, then men will see you as sexy, and it has nothing to do with wearing "sexy" clothes - it comes from inside.

Unfortunately, if you get on the low self-esteem spiral, it's difficult to climb back up. So, stop worrying about getting a man, and start doing things that make you feel good about yourself, you'll be amazed at how attractive that will make you.;)

Oddly enough, I met my DH of almost 25 years when there was nothing on God's green earth I wanted less than a man. I simply wasn't interested in having a man in my life! In retrospect, I wasn't defensive or rude and I was happy to have him around has a friend.
Being attractive has nothing to do with weight or hair or a sparkling smile. It is how you feel about yourself and how interested you are in life in general. A woman who is focused of other people is far more attractive than a person sitting around stewing about her weight.
So, lose the weight, BUT, the problems in your life won't go away with the pounds. Theey will still be there when you're thin.
God bless!

Tippy, you're the greatest!
 

Your husband knows it too! I'm happy for you!

I think weight really does have an effect on a relationship but I agree with some of you when it is mostly we ourselves who sabotage the relationship. I have been married for a long time. My husband is great, very supportive and never, ever nags me about my weight. But is ME who can't stand the way I look. It puts a crimp in things, especially the physical side, because I am uncomfortablea and self-conscious. As he said in frustration one day, Sheen, I like you any way, I want you to lose weight so you will start liking yourself!!

I think this is a crucial point, if we start seeing ourselves as good people as we are, then maybe we will find the self-esteem to feel we deserve the time and energy it takes to get into shape.

Have any of you ever seen a fat woman who is attractive? Of course you have! Cherry I've seen your picture, you look great! And as for sex in the city, well, excuse me, but that woman wants a pie! There IS such a thing as too thin.
I've been overweight and underweight and it's never made any difference. I wouldn't want a man who thought I wasn't good enough. I've never had any trouble attracting me, just truoble getting them to go when i've had enough of them.Respect yourself, respect your body, fat or thin, short or tall, it's the thing you use to carry your mind and soul around in.

I don't have a great car, I look at Mercedes and think I'd like one but it doesn't stop me from driving my VW, which although it's not the newest or the smartest car on the road, starts every day and nothing has dropped off it yet. Before I think about picking up a hitch hiker, I don't wonder if he's too proud to be seen in my car, I wonder if he's normal and good company.

Now get out there and have some fun. This isn't a dress rehearsal, and while you are waiting to get thin, the man of your dreams may well be out there looking for you...oh yeah, and he might be ugly or fat but when you meet him you'll love him.

Geneve

Hello gals:dizzy: :dizzy:

I just want to join in, I feel that my weight affects every thing, I am a grumpy angry person and I don't want to be that way, I get frustrated very easily and am very snappy. I'm not happy with my self and I take it out on the people around me.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6yrs. When we first met I was probably 230lbs and now I'm 337, and he has never said anything bad about my weight and maybe that's why I've let myself go, even now when I start complaining he tell's me I'm not fat and that I have a cute little bum, when I know I don't. He must be cross eyed and only seeing part of me.

Anyway's he proposed on Christmas Day, and we've been together so long,( we also have a 4yr old son) I should be excited to get married, but I'm not. Don't want to go dress shopping don't want to be the center of attention at my wedding. I think we will wait for awhile see if I can lose weight or elope. His family lives in NFLD and we live in Alberta, and have never met them, I'm not looking forward to that as well.

I feel bad though cause I treat him so bad, and he's really a nice guy, I'm just so *****y and tired all the time, and I don't like the way I talk to my family.
I can't wait for the day I can go biking with my son or swimming.

Also the sex life has gone down hill, he still want's it all the time but there's not an ounce of sexiness left in me, and I do it just so I don't have to listen to him constaly asking for it, get him off my back. I find sex now as work and routine and just not enjoying it as much.

Just started my new life style so I have along journey ahead of me and this time I want to make it to the end.