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Old 07-23-2007, 03:50 PM   #16
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Just a question here. How does your fiance handle it when his mother is like that to you? I don't mean to be negative, but that stuff never really goes away and if you spend a lifetime hearing it, it can really cause stress in your marriage. There have been so many, even on this site, who have complained about their spouse/SO not sticking up for them to the other family.

Let me just say again, I don't mean to be negative, but the wedding is such a small part of the overall commitment. I would be more worried about the future confrontations!

By the way.... eloping is a good thing!
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Old 07-23-2007, 04:03 PM   #17
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My DH honestly didn't want his mother there, but she's his mother. What kind of son would turn his back on her that way? I couldn't and wouldn't have asked DH to not invite his mother. I remembered one good thing about her through all the drama - she gave birth to and raised the man I loved. Even with all the things she'd done - she deserved to see him get married. Or at least be given the chance to. If she didn't want to be there, it was her option to not attend, but I wouldn't let it be on my account. While I'm sure he hates the things she's done to you, and I'm sure he sticks up for you (and if he doesn't, I agree with Diane and would be questioning the marriage altogether), I'm also sure that he still loves her in spite of that.
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Old 07-23-2007, 04:11 PM   #18
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A similar thing happened to DH and I. We were worried about his mother's behavior at the wedding, but were both full time students and working and so didn't have time to really sit down and discuss it. At the wedding, she was the picture of composure and handled herself beautifully. She even hugged my mom! Prior to our engagement, this woman had banned me from her house and told my sister in law I did drugs (my sister in law was closer to me and knew better). She also spread rumors to her side of the family about DH and I having numerous abortions. TERRIBLE! But, she came through. In spite of her wedding behavior, DH knew she was a time-bomb and he took the job offer after college that was furthest away (about 7 hours thank goodness). The sad thing is that she ended up divorcing DH's step-dad later that year, her other son moved away (to live in the same town as us) and she lost her joint-custody rights of a little girl she had taken in while her mother recovered from drug abuse (she had tried to remove the biological mother's custody rights in spite of the fact that she had been clean for 7 years). She's alone and has nothing to show for her life. I'm guessing that's where your future MIL is heading.
It's like you have the exact same MIL lol! Mine accused me of drugs (when she is the one who ruined her life because of meth), STEALING (and it turned out it was her own husband who actually "stole" the jewelry in question), I have been banned from her house, because in one of her manic tireades I had the nerve to stand up to her crazy ***. She is NEVER wrong..even though she has the mentality of an angry toddler most times. UUUGGGHHH. How do you deal with completely irrational people LOL.

Thanks so much for sharing this. It really gives me hope.
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Old 07-23-2007, 04:15 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Slashnl View Post
Just a question here. How does your fiance handle it when his mother is like that to you? I don't mean to be negative, but that stuff never really goes away and if you spend a lifetime hearing it, it can really cause stress in your marriage. There have been so many, even on this site, who have complained about their spouse/SO not sticking up for them to the other family.

Let me just say again, I don't mean to be negative, but the wedding is such a small part of the overall commitment. I would be more worried about the future confrontations!

By the way.... eloping is a good thing!
When she starts in on him about me, he just tells her not to talk to him unless she has something positive to say. I told him the next time she does it, give her my number (which she alread has), tell her if she has a problem she can talk to me about it, and just don't say another word. She just does it to try and get an arguement over it. He has stuck up for me on numerous occasions, but eventually we understand that no matter what is said to her she is going to keep spouting BS.
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Old 07-23-2007, 04:17 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Kim_Star060404 View Post
My DH honestly didn't want his mother there, but she's his mother. What kind of son would turn his back on her that way? I couldn't and wouldn't have asked DH to not invite his mother. I remembered one good thing about her through all the drama - she gave birth to and raised the man I loved. Even with all the things she'd done - she deserved to see him get married. Or at least be given the chance to. If she didn't want to be there, it was her option to not attend, but I wouldn't let it be on my account. While I'm sure he hates the things she's done to you, and I'm sure he sticks up for you (and if he doesn't, I agree with Diane and would be questioning the marriage altogether), I'm also sure that he still loves her in spite of that.
That's how I feel about it too
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Old 07-23-2007, 07:21 PM   #21
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Hmmm....

Stressful situation.

The first thing I would do, is talk with your fiance about it. Ask how he feels. Also, how are the ground rules with the two of YOU regarding your families? How is the stress between the two of you, and its bearing on your relationship, when arguments and things happen?

If the two of you fight about them, then that would be something that needs to be worked through before marriage.


Also, here is some advice. This is one of the best bits of marital advice that I have EVER received, and I believe in it 100%:

When you and your husband have fights or arguments, don't call family to discuss it with them/vent. EVER. This is honestly one of the biggest things that causes in-laws to dislike each other. Seriously. A girl gets into a fight with her boyfriend, goes and cries to her mom and sister about it, then makes up with boyfriend. She forgives him, the mom and sis do not-because they are looking out for their sister/daughter. The same goes with the boyfriend if he spouts off about his girlfriend to family/friends. The more family that is in your business, the worse it is.

So, if you ever want your families to get along, that is the best advice I can give-unless it is a matter of cheating (where you plan on splitting up for GOOD), domestic abuse, or that sort of thing, etc. then keep it to yourself. Don't tell family about all of the little tiffs. You forgive and forget, they never do.

As far as the wedding...have whatever kind of wedding you want to have, but make your requests upfront. They behave, or someone will escort them out. (Get big burly friends as your ushers for the wedding/bouncers for the reception. )

Seriously. Let them know that this day is about the two of you, and not about everyone else's grievances...and you kindly ask that they keep it that way, or not to come.
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Old 07-24-2007, 02:31 AM   #22
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I think there's a good possibility his mom will eventually come around, my mom did.

My mother has always been a bit overprotective, and hasn't had much good to say about anyone any of us have brought home. She had a laundry list of negative thoughts on my husband when we were dating (and listed them off to me every chance she got, whether he was present or not).

My husband (to be at the time) defended HER, telling me she was my mother, and that she had no reason to trust him yet, and she would eventually come around.

Funny thing, a few months ago my sister was dating a man my mother didn't approve of. She called us in Wisconsin and asked us to come to Illinois to actually check him out, and for David (my husband) to "have a talk with him." My husband did a background check on the guy, and we did visit (we thought he was indeed a jerk). We told Mom that we didn't like him either, but that Ann had to make her own decision, and that it might turn out fine as she hadn't liked David when she met him either (She said that wasn't true at all, and claimed to have no memory of any of the horrible things she had said about him).

I'm not saying his mom will ever become your best friend, but it's possible that she'll come to her senses, or at least make the best of it when she realizes you aren't going away.
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Old 07-25-2007, 02:17 AM   #23
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Your issue won't be the wedding, it will be the rest of your life dealing with an inlaw that you don't get along with. If your fiance isn't prepared to put you FIRST, and cut those people out of his life that are giving you grief, then your life will get worse. Much, much worse. You have to be able to do the same for him if necessary.
So, GIVEN that he puts you first, and you put him first, and your primary alliance is to each other and the relationship, your next concern is the wedding. Which, if I am to be honest, is probably a non-issue. We all have dreams of our "ideal day" - exactly who will be there and how it will go and everything. But the MOST important part of the day is getting married, and it is so easy to lose sight of this fact - just watch an episode or two of Bridezillas. And in hindsight, the wedding one has often isn't the same one that one would repeat -- I've lost count of the number of friends of mine who had big weddings and today think that they should have done things differently. SO, why not get married on the QT, with good friends as witnesses. Then, hold a BIG PARTY as a celebration. Invite everyone. If people get out of hand and stress you out, deal with them OR just leave. After all, the important part, the ceremony, has been done in a respectful, stress-free manner. You can always renew your vows if (and that's a big IF) things get better with the inlaws. And, without the stress of inlaws and who to invite and who not to invite, and worries over who will behave and who won't, your wedding day will be a perfect celebration of your committment to each other as a couple.
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Old 07-25-2007, 02:51 AM   #24
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Ditto, ThinGirl ... I'd elope.
I agree, just elope and save yourself from the stress and hassle of becoming a bridezilla.
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:38 AM   #25
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In hindsight, I wish I had chosen a smaller wedding. We had a nice wedding on a small budget, but a more intimate wedding would have been much less stressful. I still would have invited both sets of immediate family, but so many of the people at our wedding we invited, because our parents had been invited to their children's weddings or because of some other matter of family and coworker diplomacy rather than because these were our closest friends.
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Old 07-25-2007, 03:49 AM   #26
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I don't want a HUGE HUGE wedding...Just my family, and my closest friends, some good food..And then whoever we have to invite on his side LOL..But I do want to be able to plan a nice little ceremony and feel like it is a traditional wedding...I have about 2 years to think on it anyway though LOL.
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