I finally care about someone
 

And he's married and he's leaving for Iraq in July and I'm hot for him and he's hot for me too ... so far we've done nothing wrong other than flirt but that has every possibility of changing before he leaves ... my lovelife has never been anything but a big ole mess but my feelings are real ... can things possibly be any more complicated than they already are???

Married ladies, I do not go around stealing peoples husbands so please don't let the username fool ya. I picked Jezebelle on a site a long time ago as a joke and it just kind of stuck - and now the jokes on me. I know I know, shame on me for even thinking about it but I am thinking about it and him, and I can't help it.

God, if you have a computer and are reading this, please HELP ME. (j/k)

You asked for advice, so here it is. Do not get involved with this man, or any other who has been in a seriously committed relationship within the last six months. If he leaves his wife, and has been single for at least three months, preferably six, then meet him for coffee and see what happens. Also, even if he were completely single, becoming intimate before he is sent off somewhere, isn't a great idea either. But I think you know all of this already.

I know it's often generally assumed that we have to follow our feelings, but that is hogwash. We have to use our heads, because our hearts can lead us into very big trouble. A man who leaves woman #1 for woman #2, is much more likely to leave woman #2 for woman #3 - and so on.

Is this advice easier said than done - Of course! What advice isn't but it's really important.

When I met my husband, he had been "single" for only 2 months. He hadn't been married, but he had been living with a fiance and her young children (from her previous marriage). While he was visiting family in another state, she moved him out and a new man in.

Even though I was almost 35, and really wanting to get into a relationship, the situation was nearly a "deal-breaker" for me, and I remained "on guard" for quite some time to make sure he was really able to commit to me without complications. Although we spent nearly every spare minute together from the day we met, we didn't even kiss for nearly a month.

Having said all of that, I know that whether my advice is of any help to you at all depends on what YOU think is the right thing to do. Just try to decide based on the long term consequences, and your own personal values. If you make a choice that is against your better judgement and moral values, you will regret it.

OK,you asked for advice, hear it is. DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH A MARRIED MAN!!!!! not unless you enjoy pain.This is the voice of experience speaking.

Agreed, run don't walk away from this guy.

Once you're away from him, maybe start thinking about what it is that causes your love life to always be a mess. I never saw a pattern in mine until I had been hurt countless times... once I actually thought about it and saw what was wrong I realized I needed to change my own behavior or I'd keep getting stuck with the same bad man same bad relationship over and over.

It's easier to fall for someone who is completely unattainable. But it is still just has hard to get over them as it is anyone else.

If you know he is married why do you want to get involved with him? Find a SINGLE man!

I am married and my heart would be broken if someone gets hot for my DH or he gets hot for someone else :(
Please save your self the pain and stay away from him. If he does not respect his wife why would it be different with you?

I'm afraid that the only one who will get hurt is YOU. SO, IF he's serious about you, and IF you really care for him, WALK AWAY NOW. He can come back ONLY when he sorts out his private business in a definitive way. Like, he comes back in 2 years and says "I'm divorced, would you like to go out...". ANYTHING short of that will get you hurt. Take care of yourself!

I have to agree. When I was single, I wouldn't date married men or even men that were "separated". Only when someone is not married is it ok to date them. I'd even be careful about someone who was recently divorced. There are always a lot of issues.

My view is that a couple should work things out for themselves without another person involved. If they try to work things out and then decide to end their relationship, then I think it is almost safe to step in. Some men are scared (as well as women) of being alone so they won't leave someone unless they have a sure thing already. How would you feel if you got involved with this guy and he set up a sure thing on the side while he is with you? How about if he is just stringing you along and plans to remain married?

Seriously, you are taking all the risk and he is taking none. You are the one that is getting setup to get hurt.

A-frikkin-men! Why did it take me soooo long to learn that lesson?!

I have nothing original to add. Why would you want to get involved with a man that you KNOW is capable of cheating on his wife? Someone (Maya Angelou?) says "When people show you who they really are, believe them".

Jezebelle,

I see only heartbreak in this for you! Enjoy the flirting, but please resist taking it further. (I say enjoy the flirting because it must build your ego. I get a confidence boost if I ever have the slightest question that someone was flirtatious)

I know it ROTS to be alone!!!! But I would much rather be alone than to destroy a marriage.

Keep coming back and posting!!!! There are a lot of us in the same boat!!! Believe me I truly know that is does rot to be alone!!!! So let this guy's flirting build your confidence, cause someday there will be a different guy- a single guy doing it!!!!

Be Strong, Jezebelle, and please keep posting!!!!
ibbasquish

Anyone considering fooling around with a married individual needs to consider this: If he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you. Fool yourself all you want, but that's what it comes down to in the end. And years from now, you may find yourself the one sitting there wondering who he's with tonight.

Well, also his wife...who he is leaving to go to a war zone in a couple of months. She might be hurt too.

I would bet that nearly every woman who has ever knowingly gotten involved with a married man has said "it's not like I go around stealing other women's men."

And I bet nearly every married man trying to get involved with someone other than his wife has said that his wife is a horrible person or doesn't understand him, and that they haven't had sex in a very long time. After all, how likely is he to get any if he says, "My wife and I get along great, I love her very much and we have wonderful kids and a great sex life."

If you're even considering it, you're not worried about the wife's feelings, either because he's told you how horrible she is, how the relationship is doomed, or how much greater you are than she. It's an ego boos to think someone is willing to drop their wife for you, but the fact that someone is willing to leave a spouse for you says alot more about them than it does you.

Even if you still think this guy is great, and his wife is evil incarnate and we just don't understand the situation, that doesn't change the fact that it is still a very bad idea to get involved with him until he is fully single and can commit totally to you. Because if you don't, even if he ends up with you, to your family, her family, and his family, you will always be the woman who broke up his marriage.

Back when my husband was in the Navy, I used to tell other wives that, no matter how bad it seems, you never ever leave during a deployment, because deployments magnify all emotions and problems and then a few weeks after it's over, everything gets back to normal. And our submariners were nice and insulated from death, for the most part.

He's not hot for you, darlin', he's hot for life. He's getting ready to go to WAR. Got that? WAR. I realize most folks no longer grasp this concept, but he's about to go someplace where people who hate him and half their countrymen have decided to dedicate their lives to killing as many of the "other side" as possible. He's thinking about that, and how there's a good chance that he's going to get various parts of his body forcibly removed in a most painful fashion. He's wondering--probably not consciously--whether he's going to return with his manhood intact.

Which is to say--It ain't you, Jezebel, it's what's between your legs.

That's not love.

(It is, however, all I have to add to this discussion. So go back and reread the previous posts until they get through your head.)

I agree that you should leave this man alone for MANY reasons:

~He has a WIFE. No matter how hot he is, or how much he is into you-what if YOU were someone's wife, you made vows to love/honor them forever-and he was out flirting and possibly screwing around with someone else behind your back. Put yourself in HER shoes, and think about how you would feel.

~He is leaving for war. It is one thing if you were already involved with a SINGLE man months for a long period of time, and then circumstances happened where he was deployed. Why would you get involved with someone just now-who is already scheduled to leave. It is a long distance relationship, first of all...and one in which there is a chance where he might not come back second of all, and a situation where YOU are not his top priority third of all.

~Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. If he will cheat WITH you...then he will cheat ON you. Even if he leaves his wife, comes back from war uscathed, and marries you...what happens 3 years from now, or 5 years from now-when he finds someone ELSE he is really hot for?

This isn't love...it is setting yourself up for unneeded drama, and pain. Not just for you, but for his WIFE.

If he has children with her, then it makes it that much worse.



Find a man who is SINGLE...and one not about to go off to war.

:rolleyes:

These things never turn out well if you give in to your desires.

Best to keep it as friends-with-a-little-buzz. If you can't do that, then stay away from him.

Jay

I'll have to ditto everything everyone has said. I'm sorry that you're attracted to someone who is not only attached but going off to war soon, I'm sure that can hurt. But it's a baaaaaad situation. I've been attracted to married men, too. But that's all it is, an attraction. I think they're attractive men. But they're married. So it's a look but don't touch type of thing. There's nothing wrong with finding a married man attractive. But you're diving into deep territory if you pursue your desires.

I'm not in the greatest situation right now either, but I'd never go after someone who is married. I don't care how bad he says his marriage stinks. If that ring is still on his finger and the legal papers are still active, no way.

It very well may be Deployment and an ego boost. That last hooray before he is off to the desert... Think about it, a bunch of men together, for months with no women and no real enjoyment. They sit together and exchange stories. More than likely you would be one of his. Don't think for one minute he would respect you...he would save that for his wife. The guys there would know how *hot* you were for him ( he wouldnt dare tell that he pursued you in the bit) Seriously, he will degrade you. He doesnt respect you now. Just imagine the "barracks" (trash) talk. He will be getting high fives for getting his hooks into you before leaving...

Just stay clear. There are plenty of single guys out there....they can be *hot* too. :)

Be a WOMAN, not a FEMALE. A female has feelings and desires that are very strong, but a WOMAN knows when to keep them in check and have respect for herself and other people...such as the wife in this situation. No matter what he's said about her and what is true or fiction, she's still his WIFE and that needs to be respected no matter what until HE has her demoted to EXwife.

On the same token, you need to find a MAN, not a MALE. A male has strong feelings and desires but at MAN knows how to keep them in check and have respect for himself and those around him, especially YOU.

This may sound rude, but you are just a pile of female flesh to him...I guarantee it. Have more respect for yourself, dump him and find yourself a MAN.

Good luck!

I can't hardly dump him, this is only someone I run into via a club we both belong to every now and again (think Elks lodge, VFW, American Legion, etc.). Beyond alittle flirting there's nothing going on. He has not propositioned me nor have I him. The 'yet' in my first post is where I wonder if he will, with the idea that he might start stocking up on his fun because hey, anything could happen and a safe return back to the USA is a gamble. I've heard through the grapevine that his wife is a club member also, and I do know that currently they are together but not too long ago they had split up. Their problems are none of my business but I will say this: in the last year or so I've seen him numerous times but I've never seen her, not even once. If your man is choosing to socialize without you then something just ain't quite right ... again, none of my business. I'm not defending the 'other woman' thing, but I will say this also: For as many 'Jezebelle's' who might flirt with someone's husband, there are women out there who will do much more without the requirement of a single formal 'date'. Coupla drinks at a bar somewhere, flirt em up a bit and get laid without getting caught. I used to hang out with a chick who did whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted and at 40+ years old you'd like to think she ought to know better. She did, she just didn't care because she was, and still is, selfish. I am happy to say that I am not like that and could never be. Small sized city I live in, there are the bar hoppers that are out every weekend and none of them ever go home alone, married or not. There's nothing unique about my city, it's like that all over the place.

But yeah, if his status ever changes then that might be a different story. For now I will let the attention build my confidence - as someone else here stated. Let's face it, ya don't get flattered too often when you're over 250 lbs. I am alone but I am not desperately alone. And I won't be doing anything completely stupid. My initial posting of this topic was after having seen him the night before and it was fresh. I'm not looking to wreck anybody's marriage. Can't say the same for the next girl though - assuming he's flirting with more that just me.

:)

I agree with everyone else.... forget about him as relationship material!!

You've stated that nothing more than fllirting is what has happened so far between the 2 of you. Well, Good! Leave it at that - I don't believe there's any harm in flirting :)

How much you weigh should have nothing to do with deciding whether or not to become involved with someone - or even if you like them! Being flirted with is flattering, yes.... but shouldn't be what you chose to start ANY relationship on (that "WOW he likes me even though I'm overweight!" won't last long, that honestly just sounds like a low self-esteem thing because in reality the people/men who are worthy of a relationship with you will like you REGARDLESS of your weight!)