"I don't want to hear it!" - 3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community


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Old 08-11-2015, 04:03 PM   #1  
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I'm not sure how to say this without sounding hateful or ungrateful. Or maybe too grateful? I'm actually not sure which... I'm so confused.

In May, two co-workers and myself decided we'd had enough and we were all going to lose weight. I'm 5'0" and was 138lbs. Not 'overweight', but too much weight for my tiny little frame. One co-worker was 5'6" and 192lbs and the other was 5'5" and 184lbs.

At that point, it was exciting and we had fun discussing different things that were working/not working, how we were feeling, etc. But in the back of our minds we were thinking, "Yeah, right. We're never going to lose this weight." Well, surprise surprise. I've lost 10lbs and they've both lost 18lbs.

BUT now that we've all actually started to lose the weight, they don't want to hear about my success/failures anymore. Case-in-point: Earlier this morning, they were discussing how they were keeping pace with each other in weight loss and I tossed in that I wish I could break the 10lb plateau I'm in and instead of support, I got told they didn't want to hear it. Instead of support I got, "I don't know what you're complaining about."

It really caught me off guard because I felt like we've been in this together, supporting each other... and now they're angry at me for starting lower on the ladder. It's really making me upset because I feel like they've excluded me from my main source of motivation... and it made me feel like they thought I was bragging or something. I don't know. I'm just feeling kind of down. Sigh.

Sorry for the long post... I had to get it out before I lost it.
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Old 08-11-2015, 09:06 PM   #2  
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First, welcome and congtulations! We're glad you're here, and that your hard work is paying off.

Weight is such a touchy subject. You can never tell how people are going to react. You are in a very different range than they are, and they might be sensitive about that, which is not your fault, obviously, and not theirs. No one's fault, but just the way things are. Truth be told, since you're in a class by yourself, you may have to find your way not necessarily alone, but maybe not as closely with them as you were.

Have you tried telling them how you feel? Not sure if that would help or not, and I'm not advising it or advising against it. I don't know them, or you, so cannot predict what might happen. Just know that you're all trying your best, and that you all have to free will to move forward, and find what works best for you.

Best wishes, and I hope we hear from you again!


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Old 08-11-2015, 09:58 PM   #3  
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True friends would support you and be happy for you
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Old 08-11-2015, 10:18 PM   #4  
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I agree with merowi2. They appear to be just workplace aquaintances and not true friends who would support and motivate you. Also sounds like they are jealous of you being "lower on the ladder" as you put it.

Don't let their bad treatment of you derail your weight loss journey. That might be their hidden agenda....withdraw their support, be critical and mean and hope you gain instead of lose.

Hang in there Annie.....being healthy and reaching your goal is what's important---not a couple of jealous workplace meanies.

And if you need support and motivation keep coming back here!! Best wishes....

Last edited by buckeyegal; 08-11-2015 at 10:27 PM.
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Old 08-12-2015, 09:22 AM   #5  
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Thanks guys! I woke up feeling better this morning. I talked with my husband and he said the same things... they're not best friends, but we're pretty close which is why I was blindsided by it. As far as I knew, we were all "in this together". But that's okay. I'm just going to keep doing my thing while remaining supportive of them because that's the type of person I am.

Hopefully they'll reach their goals and realize they were being a little... erm... witchy.
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Old 08-12-2015, 10:39 AM   #6  
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Wonderful plan of action, Annie!! Such a positive attitude after being sideswiped by your work "friends". Glad your behavior is far superior to theirs. Best wishes for reaching your goal---and I know you will attain it.
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Old 08-12-2015, 11:39 AM   #7  
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In a perfect world, we'd all get and give the perfect amount and type of support when and in the manner we want and need.

That's not possible in the real world, and even the closest of friends can be insensitive and unsupportive at times.

No matter how much we may love and care for someone, it is extremely difficult to feel much empathy for someone who is complaining about a "problem" we wish we could trade our own problems for.

We instinctively know this on most topics. We would never think to complain about money to our friends who have far less than we do. We wouldn't complain about pregnancy challenges to our friends struggling with infertility. And if we did complain and got an unsympathetic or even hostile response, we would understand (and probably apologize for our insensitivity).

But for some reason, weight loss doesn't have those same cultural expectations - probably because it can be such a diversely experienced problem. A dieter with 200 lbs to lose might see weight loss as a small or trivial problem in his or her life, and a person with 15 lbs to lose might see it as a desperate tragedy of epic proportions.

In general though, there's a huge difference in the life challenges of those with a little weight to lose versus those with a lot. So much so, that I don't believe there is a situation in which everyone can find equal degrees of support.

If your friends responded coolly, it may be because they aren't feeling sufficiently supported or understood by you.

That doesn't necessarily mean you aren't being as supportive as you can be,or that they aren't being as supportive as they can be, it just may mean you can't be the support they need, and that they can't be the support you need.

That doesn't mean they aren't true friends to you or that you aren't a true friend to them.

Friendship also sometimes means knowing when you can't be and can't expect perfect support. This may just be one of those times when your situations are too different to allow you all to be of equal support to one another.

Last edited by kaplods; 08-12-2015 at 11:42 AM.
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Old 08-12-2015, 01:50 PM   #8  
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It's sometimes easier to motivate each other when your closer to the same weight range, and are losing similarly. Your two coworkers are more similar in weight and height than you, and it sounds like theyve kind of pushed you out of their weight loss group. it's not fair, and i'd be upset too. I'm guessing, the smaller you get, the less supportive they'll be. They have more inc common with their weight and how much they have to lose, so they've bonded over that. Unfortunately some people are like that. Weight loss can bring out the best and worst in people--i've been there.
anyways, good luck in your continued success! You're doing awesome and I do hope that your coworkers can change their attitude.
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Old 08-12-2015, 03:07 PM   #9  
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Thank you!

I do understand that they were starting from a much 'deeper' place than I was, but I WAS conscious of that. I NEVER complained about my weight (ie: ughhhh, 126lbs? I'm so FAT!) because I knew that it would hurt their feelings or make me seem callous. I've been extremely careful how I've approached talking about it because I never want to seem like I'm finding joy in the fact that I had a leg up, so to speak.

I guess I'm going to just have to find someone that I can pace with, myself. I'm very glad they have each other because it's waaaay easier to lose weight when you've got an accountability partner and together they're dynamite. I guess I just felt... I don't know... dismissed? I'm an overthinker, so I immediately started trying to figure out what I did or said that made them upset with me. But I'll be alright. I just had to vent it out. Haha.
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Old 08-12-2015, 03:30 PM   #10  
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I have a neighbor who is thin in my eyes and is always complaining about how fat and disgusting she is. This is hard to listen to. I support her, but I think to myself "if she thinks she's fat and disgusting at 124 lbs, what must she think of me at 153 lbs?" I like what you said when you stated that you are careful not to use that derogatory language about yourself. I hope you find the accountability parter you are looking for. I have one at work, and many online. It is very helpful, as you say.

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Old 08-12-2015, 07:13 PM   #11  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valkyrie1 View Post
I have a neighbor who is thin in my eyes and is always complaining about how fat and disgusting she is. This is hard to listen to. I support her, but I think to myself "if she thinks she's fat and disgusting at 124 lbs, what must she think of me at 153 lbs?" I like what you said when you stated that you are careful not to use that derogatory language about yourself. I hope you find the accountability parter you are looking for. I have one at work, and many online. It is very helpful, as you say.
My little tiny mom always says comment like that... Every time I'm thinking that I must be such a failure in her eyes :-(
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Old 08-13-2015, 09:20 AM   #12  
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My little tiny mom always says comment like that... Every time I'm thinking that I must be such a failure in her eyes :-(
My mom is also smaller than I am. Whenever she visits she feels the need to tell me how much weight I've gained or lost. It makes me very self-conscious. As soon as I hear she's visiting I think "well, I've got xx weeks to lose xx pounds." So unhealthy.
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Old 08-13-2015, 10:56 AM   #13  
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My hubby and I are working on losing weight together- but we go with percentage of weight lost instead of actual pounds. And we have totally different body frames- I'm super small boned and 5'2" and he's very large boned and 6' tall. So his ideal weight is closer to the top of his range and mine is very much mid to bottom of range.
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Old 08-13-2015, 12:05 PM   #14  
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Yes, percentage is the first thing I thought of! Also BMI, while imperfect, can equalize size between people of different heights; you guys could compare by BMI points lost.

It is hard in general to relate to the weight of someone's of a different height. A normal weight for someone 5'0" or 5'2" could put me at 5'6" well into underweight - but if I'm not careful, I just see the number and think along the lines of "OMG that is such a low number, I could never be that small again, I am so huuuuge compared to that" etc etc. Maybe your coworkers have something similar going on.

I figured out recently that a standard number was ~5 pounds per inch, so add 25 or 30 pounds to your weight to approximate the similar size of your coworkers. But that doesn't take into consideration body fat, frame size, how someone "carries" their weight... complicated.

Weight/weight loss is a very individual experience for each person. Which means that conversations about specific weight loss numbers are always tricky. Even at the SAME height. Friends my own height have more muscle or bigger boobs, which changes things, so it's hard to compare directly. My cousin's teenage daughter is my height, absolutely stunning - fit but not overly muscular, wears like a Size 0 and she weighs about what I do now. I look NOTHING like her and I don't wear no Size 0 that's for sure. I was probably 115 pounds or so when I was her size.

Add in height differences and

I think my best strategy is to talk healthy diet, nutrition, macros, fiber, vitamins, supplements, exercise routines, body fat percentages ... ANYTHING but what the scale reads.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Valkyrie1 View Post
I have a neighbor who is thin in my eyes and is always complaining about how fat and disgusting she is. This is hard to listen to. I support her, but I think to myself "if she thinks she's fat and disgusting at 124 lbs, what must she think of me at 153 lbs?"
I just wanted to say that a lot of times this is very disordered thinking/body dysmorphia on the part of the other person... I often have this problem; while I am horrified by my own body, I can see the beauty in others - and often be quite jealous that they can "get away with" being a higher weight while I need to be much lower I have a friend who is quite overweight and I think she is so beautiful! Meanwhile, I had absolute disgust over my body at 150 pounds.

Also - I once knew an anorexic girl, ~92 pounds at 5'8" and she said her ideal body type was a woman of about her height who weighed 140 pounds! Many people, anorexic or not, just can't see themselves rationally.

Sorry - that was a long way of saying that your neighbor may well think you are beautiful and be jealous that you can look good weighing more than she does

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Originally Posted by AnnieBeHealthy View Post
My mom is also smaller than I am. Whenever she visits she feels the need to tell me how much weight I've gained or lost. It makes me very self-conscious. As soon as I hear she's visiting I think "well, I've got xx weeks to lose xx pounds." So unhealthy.
Aw, sorry to hear that! It always messes me up when I make deadlines like that for myself. UGH I usually end up *gaining* when I go there.

Last edited by EmmaD; 08-13-2015 at 12:05 PM.
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Old 08-13-2015, 01:45 PM   #15  
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I have a neighbor who is thin in my eyes and is always complaining about how fat and disgusting she is. This is hard to listen to...
Not that this applies to your neighbor, and you may already be aware of this, but sometimes this happens with people who have eating disorders. They can be in peak condition, or even painfully thin, but still see themselves as fat.
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