[girl81]

I'm going to start seeing a counselor again for the first time in years. I know19 years of disordered eating can be corrected with God's help (With Him all things are possible).

[Dottington]

girl81-Good for you! Let us know any good advice your counselor gives you.

I'm struggling right now. I upped my calories a couple weeks ago to stop my bingeing and I feel SO FAT! UGH! I feel like I've gained so much weight and I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror

I'm retaining water right now because of my new exercise program, hormones, and higher than average sodium intake the past couple days. I know logically its impossible for me to have gained fat but I can't help from feeling grotesque. I really really want to lower my calories but I promised myself to stick with the higher calories for a month. And it HAS stopped my bingeing so I know its working but still....its so hard!

Sorry, just need a place to vent.

[girl81]

Originally Posted by Dottington

girl81. And it HAS stopped my bingeing so I know its working .

I encourage us all to focus on the positive and build on that. I believe the negative will fall away as we focus on pressing forward cheerfully towards the awesome power of unconditional love.

[nicolas89]

Today, along with many other days, has be thinking about guilt and the guilt I carry around every day. I feel like I have a ton of weight on my shoulders and all of it is the guilt I have around food. Every single thing I consider eating or actually eat has a consequence and occupies a lot of my time. The guilt takes over most of my work days, then in the evening and weekends it all of a sudden switches and I just eat whatever I feel with the "I am free and breezy, no problem here, I can eat whatever I want"... Then I wake the next day and feel guilty and further away from my goals. I struggle with consistency most of all. Anyways, as always, thanks for reading my ramblings I was wondering if anyone can relate to my ramblings! Hope everyone had a good weekend and is going to have an amazing week!

-Nicola

[nicolas89]

Originally Posted by girl81

I encourage us all to focus on the positive and build on that. I believe the negative will fall away as we focus on pressing forward cheerfully towards the awesome power of unconditional love.

Thank you! I am going to hold onto this

[Dottington]

girl81-Thanks for the reminder to focus on the positive!

Nicolas-I'm so sorry about the guilt you carry. Weekends are very difficult for me as well. I'm pretty sure everyone I've ever met with eating issues has trouble with consistency and balance. I know I tend to always fall into extremes.

I binged this weekend. I really tried every method I know to stop including logging ahead of time, imagining myself eating the food in detail(usually works great), really thinking about why I wanted to eat, distracting myself, telling myself I could have it later etc. I feel so weak for not being able to stop myself. I had 2 donuts, some chocolate frosting, and toast with nutella. If I try and see the positive though I did manage to stop it from becoming even worse. Without all the fighting I did against the binge I know I would have eaten 6 donuts.
I will just work on being better next weekend and making good choices during the week.

[Violette_R]

Hi; I discovered this thread today. Previous history of BED that would probably currently be classified as OSFED due to frequency. It still causes a great deal of anxiety and hampers my ability to lose weight. I've never been able to get help because every "professional" I ever saw just diagnosed me with depression and pushed pills that exacerbated the bingeing and weight gain. Sigh.

[nicolas89]

Dottington Thanks so much! I am having a better day today... I feel like I am in control of my eating. I can't wait for the day when I stop thinking about eating all the time... seriously 98% of my thoughts! Maybe it is time to speak to a counselor about this, get some ideas to help redirect my thoughts!

[Dottington]

Violette-That's really too bad that you haven't been able to find a good professional for help. Have you specifically sought out an ED specialist? I've noticed that most therapists and health care professionals can be completely clueless when dealing with EDs and you really need someone who specializes in it. That's so frustrating about them pushing meds that would make you gain weight

Nicolas-If you can find a counselor who specializes with EDs I would say go for it! I don't have too many ideas for getting rid of the obsessive thoughts....besides replacing the thoughts with other activities and hobbies.

My self esteem is currently shot. I'm trying to remain positive and not succumb to negative thoughts or drastic measures. Here's something we can all try...look in the mirror everyday and find one thing you like about your appearance. I remember when I first did this in treatment and the first few times I couldn't do and would cry and get angry but eventually it gets easier. I'm going to start doing it again.

[Violette_R]

I located a BED specialist about 100 miles away (I live in the boonies.) Chances are he takes my insurance (I'm a state employee) but I'm hesitant to contact him for three reasons (and probably more subconscious ones):

1) That's a long trip.

2) I've had very bad experiences with mental health professionals in the past.

3) I'm pretty sure the first thing they tell you in BED treatment is to eat at maintenance levels and not restrict calories. I DO NOT want to do this. I want to be thin.

[Violette_R]

Originally Posted by Dottington

Violette-That's really too bad that you haven't been able to find a good professional for help. Have you specifically sought out an ED specialist? I've noticed that most therapists and health care professionals can be completely clueless when dealing with EDs and you really need someone who specializes in it. That's so frustrating about them pushing meds that would make you gain weight

I've never seen an eating disorders specialist and in my opinion, most therapists are clueless about a lot of stuff. I just found a BED specialist within driving distance but had such horrible experiences with mental health practitioners before that I still don't want to call him. :/

[Dottington]

Violette-I understand, I've had bad experiences as well with therapists in the past and seeing a new person is really scary. That is a REALLY far drive....could you do a phone interview first? Just to see if you connect and if it'd be worth the drive? I've done something like that before when I was at boarding school. As far as being concerned about what they'll say...during my treatment the first week was spent entirely on getting me to admit I had an eating disorder. We didn't talk about calories or food at all. Nutrition didn't come till after a month or more of being in a clinic having hours of therapy every day so I'd be very surprised if they would talk about something so incredibly triggering right away....

I hope you're able to come to resolution Let us know how it goes. In the meantime have you thought about joining a BED support group? Maybe there's a meetup where you live or you could start one? Of course I know there are tons of forums online(I'm finding this one very helpful myself actually )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm rather disappointed in myself right now. My BDD has been acting up the past week. I went swimsuit shopping and ended up with one pieces, which is not what I had planned on. I really had planned on getting a new bikini since I've been fine wearing them in the past. But after looking at myself in the dressing room mirrors I felt disgusted and sad so I bought these two one pieces that are really cute, but it concerned me how negative my thoughts were. I also noticed I've been putting myself down more to others, so its not just in my head anymore(for example calling myself disgusting and fat a lot). I'm now voicing it aloud which of course is awkward, but helpful in making me realize that these thoughts are not valid.

I'm trying to focus on "health" right now and remembering that I deserve to be healthy and happy. Its really hard for me to believe that sometimes, but I know if I work at it I'll eventually accept/remember that I'm worthy of love.

Do any of you struggle with feeling worthy of love, happiness, health etc? Do you have any affirmations that help you manage those feelings?

[girl81]

Originally Posted by Violette_R

I've never seen an eating disorders specialist and in my opinion, most therapists are clueless about a lot of stuff. I just found a BED specialist within driving distance but had such horrible experiences with mental health practitioners before that I still don't want to call him. :/

Do you belong to a Church?

[Violette_R]

I don't know if I could do a phone interview or if I'd even want to. I have poor hearing and don't connect well with people over the phone. I'm still mulling over what I want to do. It doesn't help that I'm trying to buy a house for the first time and this occupies a lot of my thought.

I don't know about support groups. I've done that before for other reasons and I just never felt very supported. I'm highly introverted and rather misanthropic and being in a room of people expecting me to listen to and talk to them is usually rather unpleasant for me. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

As for feelings of unworthiness...I have a rather different experience with that. I think I'm a decent person. I look around me at other people and I don't see that they're any better than me or have more to offer than I do yet they all seem to have more than me. I'm speaking of intangible things, not stuff. Love, friends, social networks, people in their lives who care for them, just better life experiences. I feel worthy of love, but feel that the world around me doesn't want me in it. I wonder all the time if there's something completely unacceptable and repugnant about me that everyone else but me sees, but for the life of I can't figure out what it might be. I'm think I'm pretty darn cool.

[Violette_R]

Originally Posted by girl81

Do you belong to a Church?

Yes.