Still Don't See It
 

In a previous post I mentioned my inability to see any difference in my body from my highest weight. A couple of people suggested that I have a friend take pictures of me so as to avoid a preconceived mirror image.

The pictures have been taken. One from the front, one from the back and one from the side. I have viewed them.

I'm sorry to say that in pictures I look even heavier than I do in the mirror. I have a small waist, yes, but just below the waist and above my hips I have a saggy pouchy belly. Because of my age some people might say it's the beginning of the dreaded "menopot" but I have had it since puberty. It's not from having kids either since I've never been pregnant. It's just there and it's gross. I do scads of crunches, wall squats and planks and the darn belly just won't go away.

Just as bad are my legs which look like chunky tree trunks. There is no gentle curve from thigh to calf. Finally I have two pads of fat just above my hips in the back.

On the other hand my collerbones stick out and my arms, which get constant heavy use on the job, are almost too muscular.

At the end of my last post I mentioned maintainence but after seeing the pictures I've realized that I have a way to go. In fact I'm thinking about lowering my goal. Because after all everyone knows that spot reducing doesn't work and the fact that I have fat in certain areas means that I have more weight to lose.

I'm feeling very discouraged right now. I hate my body. I really really hate my body.

Magrat: Don't be discouraged! We are all our own worst critics, and I'd be willing to bet that your legs don't look like tree trunks. I understand wishing to strive to be the very best we can be, but try not to view yourself in such a harsh light. I am sure you are very beautiful! Focus on the positive, and the rest will fall into place.

I know how you feel, I really do. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose but still do not notice any difference in my body at all and it can be very discouraging. Find things about yourself that do make you happy. I like to think about how dedicated I am going to the gym. I like to think about that I have gone down a pant size. There are many other things too but I look for small things that I can give myself a pat on the back for and it helps when I am feeling like this.

:hug: Magrat, I really sense the self loathing in your post. :hug: I really wish I had some wise words that would make you love your body, but I don't. All I can say is what has already been stated: we are truly our own worst critics. It has been mentioned on this forum before that it helps to find one thing you do love about your body. Anything....and just start focusing on that part. Every time you think something negative, say (in your head or out loud) something very positive twice as many times. Over time, you may feel better about your appearance. Another thing that comes to mind is community service. Perhaps volunteering at a hospital. I have volunteered at a children's hospital and let me tell you....that will make you appreciate having a functioning body very quickly. I couldn't do it for as long as I wanted simply because it made me very depressed because it was so beyond sad. You may try other areas to volunteer in: elderly, women's shelter, mentoring a child, feeding the homeless, etc. I think that getting out of our own heads can sometimes do the trick and even if this doesn't help you, you'll be doing a good thing for someone.

I hope you will come to appreciate your body soon because we only get one body and we just have to work with what we're given. I have lost and gained the same 70 lbs. more times than I can remember. Now, I have cellulite all over my very thick legs (I'm pear shaped) and I have had children which has led me to have extra skin on my stomach that hangs down. I also have bat wings on my arms and my boobs look like two deflated balloons without a push-up bra. But I refuse to get down about all of these imperfections. I just have learned to love my body this time because it's the only one I've got. I have my moments when I wish things would be better about it, but that just fuels my urge to keep working out and keep eating on plan. :hug:

Why does it matter to you so much? All of these things? These flaws? Do you get picked on? Does a close one make comments? Are you making a living off of looking good?

Chances are, no matter what weightt you're at, you'll find something and most like some things you won't be happy with. i know its easier said than done but just accept it as is and work on feeling good and healthy. i noticed in a lot of posts you just sound so defeated and stressed, that you already eat so little and you have little energy. i cant imagine youll feel better eating less and working out more..even if you do manage to achieve whatever it is you want as far as body image.

is this all worth it? just to be a bit smaller? will that change your life dramatically? what good will it do for you, besides possible improved self esteem? which i may add should be mostly founded within, despite what you look like. i know i may sound like im attacking you but it just kills me to hear someone speak as you do because i can totally relate...

When I get really down, I always think to myself that I may not look like an actress or model but I'm glad I'm healthy now. I don't have a dreadful disease or anything like that. Just the mere fact that I can jump out of bed in the morning is enough to pull me out of my funk b/c there's so many people that can't do that. I say celebrate all the things that you do like about yourself. You're never gonna be perfect; perfection just doesn't exist.

And I do agree with inteventionn when they state that a few more pounds lost probably won't drastically change your life. You have to be happy where you are now...not ten pounds from now, that's all I'm saying. But I can totally relate to you b/c I was like that for years...too many to count.

Originally Posted by banananutmuffin:
Magrat: Don't be discouraged! We are all our own worst critics, and I'd be willing to bet that your legs don't look like tree trunks. I understand wishing to strive to be the very best we can be, but try not to view yourself in such a harsh light. I am sure you are very beautiful! Focus on the positive, and the rest will fall into place.

Thank you very much for the reply and support.

Originally Posted by inteventionn:
Why does it matter to you so much? All of these things? These flaws? Do you get picked on? Does a close one make comments? Are you making a living off of looking good?

Chances are, no matter what weightt you're at, you'll find something and most like some things you won't be happy with. i know its easier said than done but just accept it as is and work on feeling good and healthy. i noticed in a lot of posts you just sound so defeated and stressed, that you already eat so little and you have little energy. i cant imagine youll feel better eating less and working out more..even if you do manage to achieve whatever it is you want as far as body image.

is this all worth it? just to be a bit smaller? will that change your life dramatically? what good will it do for you, besides possible improved self esteem? which i may add should be mostly founded within, despite what you look like. i know i may sound like im attacking you but it just kills me to hear someone speak as you do because i can totally relate...

I'm not influenced at all by the media: I don't read magazines and right now I don't even have a T.V. Although I was picked on as a child it wasn't on account of my weight, and at any rate, my childhood was a long long time ago.

I've been thinking a lot about the questions raised in your reply and have come to realize the reason it matters so much to me is because the rest of my life is a chaotic mess. I have a job that's physically exhausting and mentally stressful and that gives me no sense of accomplishment. I'd quit the job for something better but I live in a tourist area where most jobs are seasonal and pay squat and I can't live on that. I can't look for a job further away because right now I don't have a car and have to take the bus to work.
I have a disabled husband who can't work and can do very little to help me around the house. So I do 99% of the housework, the yardwork and the shopping. In addition my husband has chronic pain because of his condition but the doctors won't give him pain meds because they don't want him to get addicted. They've told him he needs to "learn to live with it." What that means for me as that I've had to learn to live with him learning to live with the pain. In other words sometimes he's a mean jerk and even if I have nothing to do with his anger it still hurts when I'm the target.

I've suffered with low grade situational depression since high school. Because the depression is situational anti-depressants don't help and I've been on high doses of them all at various times in my life. All they've ever done is make me sleepy and cause me to gain weight like no tomorrow.

The only time in my life when I've been remotely happy ( aside from the first few years with DH before he was disabled) was when I got down to around 105 pounds when I was 19. At that weight I had a flat stomach and felt good about myself. I guess deep down I feel like if I can get my body into shape I might feel good enough to start tackling the other issues in my life.

But it seems like the body, or rather, the stomach, has defeated me as well.

Originally Posted by fitmom:
When I get really down, I always think to myself that I may not look like an actress or model but I'm glad I'm healthy now. I don't have a dreadful disease or anything like that. Just the mere fact that I can jump out of bed in the morning is enough to pull me out of my funk b/c there's so many people that can't do that. I say celebrate all the things that you do like about yourself. You're never gonna be perfect; perfection just doesn't exist.

And I do agree with inteventionn when they state that a few more pounds lost probably won't drastically change your life. You have to be happy where you are now...not ten pounds from now, that's all I'm saying. But I can totally relate to you b/c I was like that for years...too many to count.

Fitmom , at your height and weight you're a lot closer to perfect than I am. I wish I had your body type.

Now don't go saying that Magrat! We all want what we don't have...believe me...I've said this many times, I wish I was curvier. But as my dad always says, 'if wishes were fishes...'

For me, at some point, I just wanted to look like me - only a better version, if that makes any sense. I used to beat myself up over the fact that my body type didn't exactly leave the guys panting over me, for lack of a better word. But that's okay, you know? God made me this way for a reason and at the age I'm at right now, I'm grateful that I'm in good health.

I'm sending you :love: and lots of :hug: today. :)

Originally Posted by Magrat:
What that means for me as that I've had to learn to live with him learning to live with the pain. In other words sometimes he's a mean jerk and even if I have nothing to do with his anger it still hurts when I'm the target...

I've suffered with low grade situational depression since high school...

The only time in my life when I've been remotely happy ( aside from the first few years with DH before he was disabled) was when I got down to around 105 pounds when I was 19. At that weight I had a flat stomach and felt good about myself.

Wow. That's remarkable. I'm not a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, but I am a physician. Your level of insight into your focus on losing weight is considerable. If you know all of that, I bet you also realize that IT'S NOT TRUE; that is, just because you get back to the flat stomach of your 19-year-old self, you won't regain the young, carefree, non-depressed self you had back then. And if you know that what you REALLY want is to break free from some of the life-stresses you have, could you work on some of those issues instead of losing another 5 or 10 pounds?

I have a number of patients who can't tolerate antidepressants for one reason or another, but have depression. There is a form of psychotherapy called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has been shown in randomized clinical trials to be EQUALLY effective to medications when it is practiced daily for several months. Google it. If you can't afford to see a therapist because your health insurance won't cover it, you can actually do it from workbooks on your own. For example, CBT for Dummies, or this website: http://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapy...des/depression. Many other resources on this topic.

I agree with OPs that it's not wrong to want to lose "vanity pounds," and it's important to like what you see in the mirror, but that to a large degree "feeling fat" is not the same thing as "looking fat" and the cure for the former is not the same as the fix for the latter.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

Originally Posted by Magrat:
I have a disabled husband who can't work and can do very little to help me around the house. So I do 99% of the housework, the yardwork and the shopping. In addition my husband has chronic pain because of his condition but the doctors won't give him pain meds because they don't want him to get addicted. They've told him he needs to "learn to live with it." What that means for me as that I've had to learn to live with him learning to live with the pain. In other words sometimes he's a mean jerk and even if I have nothing to do with his anger it still hurts when I'm the target.

This really concerns me. I know that there are always reasons for people being a jerk (because they're in pain, because they're upset, because they are addicts, because they are frustrated, because their parents were abusive, etc.), but honestly, that means nothing.
If he's a jerk sometimes, then you can either live with it or not. My ex husband was a jerk sometimes and it was something that I just couldn't take. Your home should be your place of rest and relaxation, not a place of turmoil.

:hug:

You are no longer 19 and can't expect to look like a 19 year old. I worry that you are on the verge of anorexia.

Originally Posted by neurodoc:
Wow. That's remarkable. I'm not a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, but I am a physician. Your level of insight into your focus on losing weight is considerable. If you know all of that, I bet you also realize that IT'S NOT TRUE; that is, just because you get back to the flat stomach of your 19-year-old self, you won't regain the young, carefree, non-depressed self you had back then. And if you know that what you REALLY want is to break free from some of the life-stresses you have, could you work on some of those issues instead of losing another 5 or 10 pounds?

I have a number of patients who can't tolerate antidepressants for one reason or another, but have depression. There is a form of psychotherapy called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has been shown in randomized clinical trials to be EQUALLY effective to medications when it is practiced daily for several months. Google it. If you can't afford to see a therapist because your health insurance won't cover it, you can actually do it from workbooks on your own. For example, CBT for Dummies, or this website: http://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapy...des/depression. Many other resources on this topic.

I agree with OPs that it's not wrong to want to lose "vanity pounds," and it's important to like what you see in the mirror, but that to a large degree "feeling fat" is not the same thing as "looking fat" and the cure for the former is not the same as the fix for the latter.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

This ^^^

I strongly recommend CBT, it changed my life.

Margrat- if you're anything like I was at my lowest, then you might be suffering from a bit of body dismorphia. When we're at a higher weight for a long period of time, our minds develop a fairly strong self-image at that weight. When we lose weight, even if its slowly, our minds don't catch up as quickly. When I was at this point, I couldn't trust what I saw in the mirror, because it was being filtered by my brain and my old self-image. I thought I looked disgusting, and felt very flabby, but then I gained the weight back and pictures of myself at my low look beautiful, healthy, and slim to me. With body dismorphia, we can't really trust our opinions of ourselves to be accurate. Luckily, after being at that weight for a while, your self-image might start to catch up and become more accurate.


Also, keep in mind that you don't see anyone the way you see yourself. If you saw your best friends the same way you see yourself- naked, or in lazy, unflattering positions, etc, then they wouldn't look quite as perfect in comparison. We see ourselves at our ugliest, but it doesn't mean we don't look good at our best.

Originally Posted by Magrat:
In addition my husband has chronic pain because of his condition but the doctors won't give him pain meds because they don't want him to get addicted. They've told him he needs to "learn to live with it."

Wow, are different doctors available? I thought the medical world was moving past this mistaken belief.

[QUOTE=fitmom;4000734 I'm sending you :love: and lots of :hug: today. :)[/QUOTE]

Thank you.

Originally Posted by neurodoc:
Wow. That's remarkable. I'm not a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, but I am a physician. Your level of insight into your focus on losing weight is considerable. If you know all of that, I bet you also realize that IT'S NOT TRUE; that is, just because you get back to the flat stomach of your 19-year-old self, you won't regain the young, carefree, non-depressed self you had back then. And if you know that what you REALLY want is to break free from some of the life-stresses you have, could you work on some of those issues instead of losing another 5 or 10 pounds?

I have a number of patients who can't tolerate antidepressants for one reason or another, but have depression. There is a form of psychotherapy called Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which has been shown in randomized clinical trials to be EQUALLY effective to medications when it is practiced daily for several months. Google it. If you can't afford to see a therapist because your health insurance won't cover it, you can actually do it from workbooks on your own. For example, CBT for Dummies, or this website: http://www.cognitivebehaviourtherapy...des/depression. Many other resources on this topic.

I agree with OPs that it's not wrong to want to lose "vanity pounds," and it's important to like what you see in the mirror, but that to a large degree "feeling fat" is not the same thing as "looking fat" and the cure for the former is not the same as the fix for the latter.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

I've known about CBT for years and I do try to practice its principles. When I get up feeling dread about facing another miserable day at work I try to remind myself that in this economy I'm fortunate just to have a job. And when DH lashs out because he just can't stand the pain anymore I remind myself that most of the time he's the sweetest guy in the world.

I don't think I'm focusing on my weight to avoid the other issues. I can't find another job because there are no other jobs out there (I've been diligently looking for years) and there is nothing I can do about my husband's pain.

All I can work on is myself.

Originally Posted by Munchy:
This really concerns me. I know that there are always reasons for people being a jerk (because they're in pain, because they're upset, because they are addicts, because they are frustrated, because their parents were abusive, etc.), but honestly, that means nothing.
If he's a jerk sometimes, then you can either live with it or not. My ex husband was a jerk sometimes and it was something that I just couldn't take. Your home should be your place of rest and relaxation, not a place of turmoil.

:hug:

Thanks, but don't worry; my husband is not a jerk at heart. And when he acts like one I can understand why even though it hurts. Imagine the worst pain you've ever felt in your life and then imagine feeling that pain continuously for years on end. I think you might act like a jerk sometimes too.

Originally Posted by QuilterInVA:
You are no longer 19 and can't expect to look like a 19 year old. I worry that you are on the verge of anorexia.

Huh!?

Quilter, I never said I wanted to look like I did at 19. I said one of the last times I was happy with myself was when I had a flat stomach which happened to be when I was 19. The important part is the flat stomach not the being 19.

And, anorexia? To get even close to anorexia I would have to weigh 94 pounds or less. Even if I got down to 100 pounds which isn't likely given how hard it is for me to lose weight, I would still have a bmi well within the normal range.

I'm not suggesting you ARE anorexic, AT ALL but anorexia is about a lot more than body weight, saying

Originally Posted by :
I would have to weigh 94 pounds or less.

to anorexic is simply not the case. it's about a state of mind that refuses to accept the reality of you body and perceives it as larger than it is, as well as a persistent desire to shrink further.

to paraphrase...

agian, NOT saying you are or aren't just wanted to correct eh misconception!

Magrat: I do feel your pain about your DH because the first few years of my marriage were spent nursing my very ill husband back to good health. I was 25 years old and cried myself to sleep most nights b/c I felt so helpless. He used to lash out at me due to his utter frustration (and he's genuinely a nice guy, lol). Luckily, with the proper diet and meds he was able to make a full recovery. His disease is chronic but manageable -- thank God. My heart goes out to you...you're not alone. :hug:

Hey Magrat I have to ask--what kind of exercises are you doing or have you been doing in order to lose weight? It's possible that instead of focusing on the number on the scale you can achieve the look you want through body recomposition--or weight training!

Plenty of pain meds aren't addictive, and of the ones that are, the addiction rate is very low, not to mention that it's possible to screen patients for addictive potential. There are also non-drug approaches such as TENS, acupuncture, hypnosis. Get new doctors, get in touch with pain organisations, do whatever you can, but leaving someone with such severe pain untreated for fear of addiction is intolerable. I live with chronic pain and my cousin is a pain expert who founded two international pain organisations, so I do know what I'm talking about.

Originally Posted by ann71:
Wow, are different doctors available? I thought the medical world was moving past this mistaken belief.

Unfortunately, no. The area I live in is actually experiencing a doctor shortage. Many doctors are outright refusing to accept new patients , and the ones that do accept new patients are leery of dispensing pain meds because they are so afraid of the DEA.

Originally Posted by fitmom:
Magrat: I do feel your pain about your DH because the first few years of my marriage were spent nursing my very ill husband back to good health. I was 25 years old and cried myself to sleep most nights b/c I felt so helpless. He used to lash out at me due to his utter frustration (and he's genuinely a nice guy, lol). Luckily, with the proper diet and meds he was able to make a full recovery. His disease is chronic but manageable -- thank God. My heart goes out to you...you're not alone. :hug:

Thank you for the reply and encouragement. I'm glad you found something that worked for your husband.

Originally Posted by mimi86:
Hey Magrat I have to ask--what kind of exercises are you doing or have you been doing in order to lose weight? It's possible that instead of focusing on the number on the scale you can achieve the look you want through body recomposition--or weight training!

Well, as I've mentioned before, I have a very physical job so I get exercise whether I'm trying to lose weight or not. I know some people would say that physical activity on the job doesn't count but I don't see how my body can tell the difference if I walk ten miles at work or on a treadmill. Anyway I usually rack up between 12 and 15 miles of walking on the job. I also lift a cumulative total of half a ton, do a lot of bending and reaching and climb countless stairs.If I have to use the elevator I do wall squats while I'm waiting for it. If it's not too hot I might powerwalk during my lunch break.

Before work I do fifteen minutes of stretching, followed by thirty minutes of kettlebell swings. After work I hike woods trails with my dog.

Exercise at work don't count because your body is used to do them, it's not a challenge anymore, so it count in your total calories need for the day and not as an exercise. Try brisk walking/jogging intervals ?