Well, yesterday I crossed a line I never thought I'd cross. I had my first ever "no holds barred" binge and basically spent my evening shoveling everything from the drugstore/7-11 that looked even remotely good into my face, and then ordered in a personal pizza after I felt sick from too much cream/custard/sugar.

It felt like a drug, like a total break from life, and now that I've done it I know I can never un-know how it made me feel and have to be extra vigilant. It would be so easy to just completely let myself go and accept binging as part of who I am, but I know that it is just impossible to eat that much and not become very overweight. I am young but I am not an Olympic swimmer or weightlifter. If I keep doing this, I'll gain back all the weight I lost, and it will only take a month or two.

It took me 7 months to lose it. 7 months of forcing myself to run outside in 35 C 100% humidity at "fat smoker" fitness level. 7 months of commitment to reasonable portions and learning to eat my vegetables. 7 months of feeling excited and confident and optimistic. I'll never forget how it felt to jump on the scale on my birthday and seeing that I weighed 56.1 kg - my lowest weight to date. I can't let myself forget how great it feels to see the scale go down.

I have an addictive personality and I always need to be addicted to something. I've kicked smoking, cheating, anger and cynicism for a good part, and I can kick food. Food is something to be enjoyed, but it shouldn't rule your life. And I'm sick of letting it rule mine.

(Sorry for the long spiel. It felt good to write that out.)

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lackadaisy Aw I meant a week MAX. Everyone's bodies are different. What are your spring break plans? I've been curious about P90X too.

indiblue Yeah, sadly the only thing that got me "going" is massive binging, which is NOT a solution for anything.

Dianne I am so glad to hear you're happy and feeling positive about your changed attitude and lifestyle. I may have to try that out since I have been in a restrict-rebel-binge cycle that is just getting worse and worse.

fivestone I've been daydreaming about going to Vienna for weeks now. How is Austria? I always have this image of your life as being idyllic and super-classy. I also feel really inspired by your super healthy relationship with food and exercise and moderation.

krampus *hug*. I'm so sorry about the binge. I feel like you feel- that I really would love to just embrace the huge part of me that wants to eat literally until I'm stuffed every day, all the time. It's like this dark corner inside me I have to constantly push down and away all the time, pretending it isn't there.

I wanted to start a thread recently seeing if anyone else feels like they are living right on the edge- that they are barely tinkering on the border between normalcy and absurdity. I really feel like at any minute I could break and start gorging myself and then it's all down hill from there. I don't have an addictive personality I just love food a LOT in a hedonist way, but I still kind of feel like I know where you are coming from.

I am glad you wrote out how long it took you to get to where you are now and how hard you've worked. This is what makes me keep it together 95% of the time- because I've come too far to turn back and I do NOT want all of those hours of exercise and months of eating well to go to waste. Keep remembering this if you ever feel like you might slip again.

That said, what's done is done and I hope you're able to get catharsis from talking about it, then move on to working hard like you were so good at doing.

Dianne It sounds like you have found a wonderful community and church so I'm so happy for you! Church was never a big part of my life and I definitely think I'm missing out on having that support and connectivity to other people. It's great you were able to remind yourself about how blessed we are... I try to remember this too as often as possible!

fivestone congrats on your success so far- you've done incredibly well! Keep up the wonderful work, and definitely let us know about your transition to maintenance- how you've planned to do it and what ends up working/not working for you

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Well yesterday I ate well under my calories, super healthily, and had a great workout. For some reason I knew the scale wouldn't move today, whether it's because my TOM is coming or because of my big meal two days ago, or that I didn't drink enough water yesterday. I'm back at about 128.8 and you know what, I'm really okay with that.

However, I can definitely feel changes and I know I'll be in 127 soon. I feel a whoosh coming on :) Body feels tighter and smaller, shorts/pants a tiny bit looser. I also had a great NSV yesterday- after not running for months due to a hip injury, I ran a 7:30 mile! Wheeeeee. Granted it was on a treadmill, but at a 4% incline, twice what is recommended for simulated outdoor running. I know it's not the same as running one outside, but I use my mile times as a big indicator of physical fitness, so it was nice to know I could still pull this one off.

That's an AWESOME running NSV indiblue! And the little things, like noticing your body feeling smaller, are an even better motivator to keep on trucking than a shrinking number on a scale. Exercise as a regular part of life really helps keep you together even when everything falls apart on the scale. I may have eaten the equivalent of two pounds of fat gain yesterday, but I still feel that nice firmness in my arms and legs that comes from recent exercise. I love food in a hedonistic way too and I think it's okay to love it, but loving the experience of an amazing gourmet meal and making every day an excuse to overindulge on whatever's handy are very different things and must be kept in separate spheres.

Agreed. I love me some gourmet food any time of day. But, I also ate 200 calories worth of Hershey's chocolate syrup the other day, so apparently my palate/hedonism does not discriminate... oops.

Happy Friday feathers :carrot:

Krampus :hug: I can honestly say I understand how you are feeling. Up until April of 2010, I lived my life eating everything and anything horrible. Every night after drinking I used to go to 7-11 and get 2 donuts, king sized reeses and a stoufer's mac n cheese. It was my go to meal after drinking. Or my mcdonalds go to meal was cheeseburger, med fries and two apple pies. I have literally gone to steak and shake and ate the frisco melt meal just to turn around and go to taco bell and get something there. When I diet I feel like I am on a very thin string ready to break and binge. I too have a very addictive personality. But I started to think. I really needed to figure out why I relied on food so much for happiness. Because even when I was sickly full and ready to throw up, I'd keep eating. Just for the pure euphoria of it. If I didnt fix my happiness placed on something else, I would forever be this way and eventually be obese. Thats why I am thankful I have "dieted". It helped me to truly enjoy healthy foods when before I couldnt even nibble on healthy foods. Give yourself a break. Maybe try the intuitive eating that I have been doing. I find that because I allow myself 5-6 meals a day, I never feel like Im missing out. Almost like one big binge! hah Im always able to do what i love - eat! With the intuitive eating, I know i can eat healthy but also eat that donut that my coworker brought in for me and not freak out becuase its not in my calorie range! I dont know how to explain it - but its helped a lot.. Its all just a mental battle...

Maybe try intuitive eating until you feel you are ready to "diet" again?

Fivestone How many calories do you try to stay at? Do you do low carb? And how much exercise are you getting?

Indiblue You are my diet hero. You seem to have such a good handle on what you eat. I am so impressed by that. I can see someone work out for 3 hours in the gym and be less impressed by it than someone who can consistently stay on plan. You rock! AND congrats on the 7:30 mile. That is incredible!! I can only do 10 minute miles. Its outside, but still only 10 minutes!

So I have my size 4 jeans that I wear regularly and usually use as a guage to my weight and if its going up, down or maintaining. I have done about a week now with "intuitive eating" with one HORRIBLE day that brought me to 3500 calories (wasnt a binge but just horrible food at the beach with lots of beer and liqour). I was relieved to find that when I put on my 4's this morning for work, they still fit exactly the same. Which tells me no weight gain. Shew!! I am really hoping to lose still (just veryyyyyyyyy slowly - like 2 pounds a month) but as long as I dont gain, thats good too.

HOpe everyone is having a fabulous week!

krampus, I'm sorry that happened but I'm happy to hear that you feel committed to keeping yourself in check. You have worked so hard! You can let go of the guilt of that moment and move on to success. :hug:

indiblue, I am SO envious of your mile time -- WOW!

My new Nike Free Run+ shoes came in the mail today and I've committed to putting 15 miles on them next week during spring break -- no more or less, to balance the needs of my heart and ankle. I can only hope I'll have fitness to rival the bunch of you girls soon.

Wish me luck as I try to tackle spring break & all its dangers -- constant food & drinking included, of course -- while staying on-plan. :)

Ahhh I'm just finishing up Spring Break, had like 4 off-plan, but not crazy, days. I've been off 3FC for like a week... glad to be back! :-)

Dianne you are so sweet. It's easy for me right now to control temptation because I'm working from home and able to plan and measure almost all my meals at home. The real test will come when I go back to the office and have lunch, various snacks, breakfroom food, etc all staring me down.

Really awesome about your size 4 NSV! I'm right there with you on the slow and steady wins the race mentality... even if it's just 1 lb a month, a loss is a loss. Your positive attitude is definitely motivating me.

lackadaisy yay! Nothing as motivating as new workout equipment. I hope on spring break you're able to enjoy yourself and be happy with your plan at the same time. A difficult balance but you have such a clear head about this whole process so I'm sure you'll have blast!

Welcome back LLBold! Hope you had a wonderful and relaxing time. Good to have you back.
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Yesterday was bizarre- spent most of the day prepping for our party we had. On my feet a good 6-7 hours straight cooking, etc. Ate 300 calories the whole day, then about 1000 during the party I'm estimating. I didn't do too much damage but the food was pretty salty and a bit fattening, so it all didn't come from the best sources.

I tried to detox a little today. Went to the gym, ate mostly fruits and veggies. I wanted to have a fairly low caloric intake today but it didn't happen... oh well. At least got in a good workout. :)

AHHH last night I ate SO good and then my roommate and girfriends decided to come over and make pancakes, so I had a big stack. :-( I have no self control when my friends make food!

BAD: Binging continued through Saturday night. Weight is so far up I don't even want to think about it. Japan is in a total state of emergency and I am feeling pangs of survivors' guilt for being so disconnected to the chaos. My jaw and mouth hurt from simply too much chewing. That last one is probably what freaked me out the most. I've never had my FACE hurt from eating too much.

GOOD: Spoke to a couple friends I really trust about my budding problem. Spent hours on healthygirl.org reading about the diet-binge-diet-binge cycle, intuitive eating, and forgiving yourself for binges. Forgave myself. Accepting that this isn't going to be as easy as switching from "bad" to "good" behavior. Focusing on eating "real" food and ONLY eating when I feel hungry.

Dianne Intuitive eating is just what I am going to try. Not "no rules" intuitive eating since right now my stomach is expanded to probably three times its normal capacity and I have sugar headaches, but constantly thinking in terms of calories with daily weighing makes me feel quite crazy. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and understanding.

LLBold I used to avoid pancakes like the plague because of their sugar/carb content. Now I've discovered making pancakes with oats, pumpkin, mashed banana, bran, and other delicious and healthy ingredients and I'm in love. Maybe next time you could offer to make pancakes for your friends and go healthy on them? I now make healthy ones for my BF and he loves them almost as much as regular ones.

krampus You are so self-aware and are taking really productive/healthy steps towards addressing behaviors you're concerned with. Applauding you for doing that. I've never been on healthygirl.org but am heading there now. Thanks for sharing :)

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Ok, lost my way a little bit for a few days and am recommitted now. I didn't really overeat, I got my exercise, and didn't do anything too egregious. But I KNOW I wasn't doing the best I could, and there's a reason I went back up to 129 after a few days at 128. So here I am now acknowledging what i need to be doing and making those changes.

> Cutting sugar
> Watching salt
> Really only drinking diet sodas when I need to stave off a sugar craving, not just for fun with meals
> Trying out IF, which means not eating anything until later in the afternoon. This is the biggest change I'm making and I feel very confident it will be a good one. Eating small meals throughout the day only makes me want to eat more snacks and nibbles, which I usually do. Waiting until later in the day to eat, and then eating a large meal until I'm full, may help me avoid my typical my all-day graze-fest Right now it's 1 PM, I worked out for 1 hour, and I haven't had anything to eat. I've also had almost 3 L of water, am not hungry, and am really excited about having a large delicious meal in the next hour. Calories of course will still be about the same- 1200- but I think this method may help me sidestep some of my weaknesses.

I keep saying I'm not going to weigh, but I just can't break that cycle. It's not a bad thing though. Today I saw I have gone down 1.5 kg overnight, and I feel very "deflated" except for a bit of residual heartburn leftover from binging. There is a lot of new fat around my stomach and thighs and hips, but all I can do is work to make sure new fat doesn't accumulate.

What started off as a wonderful day (saw 127.8 for the first time in months) has gone rapidly downhill. New job has almost all but fallen through, not sure what's next. Reminds me that sometimes there are more important things than weight loss :-/

Boards are quiet these days, hope everyone is enjoying themselves on vacation, etc. Look forward to folks being back. krampus I misread your last post several times and wondered how you could be down and deflated after such a loss. Then I realized you meant less-inflated size-wise and understood ^_^ happy for you.

Hi everyone,

I've been away for a bit and thought I'd check in. Things aren't going great for me. I've taken a diet break Thursday - Monday. I didn't eat whatever I wanted but I ate when I was hungry (which is every 2 hours) and didn't count calories or weigh myself.

I am beyond disapointed that I won't be making my St Patrick's day goal. Saturday I am going to a party with friends - some I haven't seen since a New Year's eve party - and I was so hoping to be 130 and have everyone say "WOW." Instead, here I am an entire freakin 1-2 lbs lighter than I was when they saw me NYE. Sigh.

I'm not sure what's next for me...I'm going to focus more on exercise and less on counting calories. I've been counting calories since September (yes, I did take breaks) but I hate it. Some days I feel pressured to eat more for fear I will be hungry later, most days I am just starving in general. I also hate having to write down my 130 calorie apple because I'd really rather eat a 130 calorie cookie and when you just track calories that makes it seem fine. Heck, a cookie fills me up way more than a crappy apple.

I've decided to start back up running, but I am a bit concerned it will make my hunger completly out of control. I started trying to lose weight a year ago by running and never lost any, I just had insane hunger constantly. I gave up the running when it got cold last fall and started calorie counting. I've still been getting out here and there for runs, but it hasn't been consistent.

I don't know, that's where I am at. Just wanted to check in.