3 Fat Chicks on a Diet Weight Loss Community - Hi, folks! Nice ta meetcha!

Hi, guys.

I'm new here, stumbled over this place doing a search for weight loss support groups on google.

I am a 22 year old student, working on a degree in clinical nutrition. I'm interested in eating right and being a healthy person, but I have terrible eating habits from my childhood, and struggle with a figure that has hung onto pounds I gained in middle school.

**This is a looong story (one that I wrote mostly for my own benefit!), and you don't need to read it to say hi! Just skip to the bold stuff if you aren't interested!**

At my highest weight, I was probably near 170-180 pounds in middle school. I never even noticed gaining it, and I never even realized I was heavier than most of my friends until I was weighed in a PE class in eighth grade. I realized that MY number was way higher than everyone else's, and then I started noticing other things. I noticed that my ankles didn't look like the other girls', that my stomach was softer, my hips far wider, and my chin sloped more gently to my neck.

I was always a healthy kid, with a healthy weight, but at puberty, when my parents broke up, I gained weight like crazy. I am an emotional eater just like my parents, who are both obese.

In high school I was somewhat obsessed with my weight. I would write out how many calories I would be allowed to eat per day in order to lose 1, 2, 5 pounds a week to reach a weight like 135 or 145 in a month or two. I would write down everything I ate and berate myself for eating like a slob. And I was totally sedentary. I would go to school, come home, and play the computer all evening.

Despite the struggle, I slowly lost some weight throughout high school, and left at a weight around 155 pounds. Still too much for my very small 5'5" frame. I have small bone structure, tiny wrists, a small neck, and narrow ribs. Though some people would be very healthy and strong at that weight, I was all bones and pillowy flesh. (Or at least that is how I felt at the time)

During school, I was the girl that LOST weight freshman year. I was simply busier, with less time to eat boredom snacks, and there was more activity in my day-to-day life. I was working and moving around more.

My weight dropped to around 145 pounds, and I was so happy with that. I still felt "overweight", but I felt good about it. I wasn't so obsessed with losing weight anymore.

About two and a half years ago, I was able to begin fixing my crooked teeth. I was fit with a horrible orthodontic appliance that made it very difficult to eat.

I just hated eating. And I lost some weight. After I was done with the appliance, I got braces. Again, it was difficult to eat. I was very conscious of what I ate, since everything would get stuck. I didn't eat very much socially, because I was afraid of getting food in my braces.

I moved out of my parents house and started working part time and going to school full time. I started exercising at school, in a boot camp class, and I took a dance class. I was getting exited about nutrition and I was bringing healthy meals to school when I could (or I was too poor to buy much to overeat). I wanted to look good, and since eating was a pain, it was easy to monitor what I ate.

I fell in love with my boyfriend during that time, and I was a svelte 133 pounds. I was still no sort of hardbody, but I was the thinnest I think I've ever been since I was ten or eleven years old. I was healthy, and had lots of energy. But my hectic schedule caught up with me.

After working 25 hours a week, taking 12 units, performing in two plays, and living on my own for the first time, I broke. I hated my job, I was depressed, and I was starting to cry spontaneously during the day.

I quit my job and moved back home. I think after that I started slowly gaining the weight back. Eating my mom's food, then moving in with my boyfriend and eating all the pizza and drinking all the beer that he likes, I just forgot that I was only thin because I was eating right an exercising. It felt like I had just been constantly losing weight for so long, I must just lose weight naturally.

Not the case.

As of today I weigh 147 pounds, and I can't fit into most of my clothes very comfortably.

I recently began counting calories using livestrong.com, and I got a gym membership at 24 Hour Fitness.

I have a problem I carry over from high school, of creating unreasonable goals for myself and beating myself up over every indulgence. Frankly I can't maintain eating only 1300 calories a day in order to lose two pounds per week, and furthermore I know that I SHOULDN'T.

I know how to eat a variety of foods to get the nutrients I need on a very low-cal diet, but I simply SHOULD NOT go there.

I need to keep sane here, and just eat better and exercise regularly.

I made a goal to reach 135 by Halloween, which I can achieve by losing two pounds a week. This morning, (after indulging in potato chips and margaritas last night, consuming nearly 3000 calories for the day) I realized that that is simply an unreasonable, and possibly unhealthy goal.

I WILL lose weight.

I just can't base my happiness on a number on a scale, or even on how I fit into my jeans. I have to make losing weight something fun and positive, and not something fueled by bad self image and shame.

Sooo, maybe I need to change my goal. Calorie counting should NOT dictate my happiness or satisfaction with my life. It is a learning tool, a health awareness tool, not a torture device.

Oh, man. I'm glad to "write" that out loud. I just wish I could hear it from someone else!