Sometmes it’s the ppl who love us the most that end up hurting us
I've been around the forums awhile, but I've never posted mostly because I'm a little shy and I also don't want to sound whiney/ranty. But I'm feeling down right now and could really use a few words of encouragement...if you gals don't mind.
My back story is that I lost all my "fat weight" during my first 3 yrs of college and was just starting to enjoy life as a healthy me. Then 2nd semester senior year hit and the stress of job/life got to me and I regained everything back. Since this summer, I've been losing and gaining the same 5 lbs now.
I did a 4 mile run yesterday. I ate exceptionally well all day. I was just finishing up a light dinner before heading off to the gym (while thinking excitedly of the 1lb lose I’ll be recording tmw) when my mom came home and we had a little talk. In my head, little alarm bells were ringing off urging me to run away, but what could I do? She’s my mother. I love my mom to pieces and she’s actually very supportive of me - however being a naturally thin woman who only eats to live and has no attachment to food whatsoever she has no clue as to the emotional and physical turmoils of being overweight. I try to explain calories in and out…about how losing weight takes time…about how it’s more then “…just don’t eat that much.” It’s so so much more and so so much harder then she thinks to lose weight, but I can’t get her to understand that. She’s genuinely puzzled about why I keep gaining the weight. The confusion and general lack of understanding sometimes leads her to accidentally say some hurtful things. After my “conversation with her”, I threw my hands up in frustration and ran to my room with a box of comfort cereal in hand (and now…a half-full box..). Some rice pudding and peanut butter cookies later, I feel sick and of course in no mood/condition to go to the gym.
She needs me right now - I know that, but is it selfish of me to want to get some time away so I can better myself? I want to be there for her, but being around her is definitely not good for my mental health right now. Is it selfish to want to spend some time focusing on just myself for a little bit? UUGGHHH I don’t know. Living at home (and all the stress that entails..) is probably another reason why it’s so hard for me to lose the weight this time around. Last time was easy because I was living on my own and didn’t have to answer to anyone, but myself.
Does anyone else have this problem? Well meaning family members...that actually end up hurting you more because they just don't understand. How do you deal? I try to ignore her sometimes, but that ends up making her upset and I don't want that. I know it's not fair for me to blame her for my messing up today. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. This journey is hard enough as it is dealing with all the voices and demons inside my own head - I just wish she would let me do my thing and stop trying to help.
<end rant>
Thank you for listening everyone. I feel better with just typing all of that out. Tmw's another day right? Here's to a brighter, healthier and happier tmw for all of us.
Last edited by yenniechan; 11-10-2009 at 08:09 PM.
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. My family is pretty supportive, and we all have minor problems with our weight, so I'm thankful that they all understand how hard it is.
I've had friends and cowrokers react just like your mom did, though, and it really irritates me, plus I genuinely don't understand them! People who have been overweight and lost it probably have advice to give, but someone who's never been overweight in her life, never fought temptation, never denied herself something like that? Never been really stressed and felt the need to eat as part of the stress? TOTALLY FOREIGN!!!!!! Who are these people?
The best advice I can give you, really, is to go to the gym. So you ate too much? Do what you can and burn as much of it off as you can! Plus, the exercise relieves stress.
Start again tomorrow you can get back on track, I have faith in you. Do this for you, your mom sounds truly mystified by your weights up and down journey. I think that by taking care of yourself she'll see how you are benefiting and become a strong supporter.
I know that feeling... It's hard when there's the downward spiral of eating then feeling worse then eating even more. But what matters is that you have support here. Tomorrow will be a better day so just keep your mind on your goals!!!!
There's no doubt our family members, and the people closest to us, are TREMENDOUSLY influential in the way we grow, think, learn, live, etc. In my case, I have to consciously remind myself NOT to always be affected about what my mom thinks, about my body, about my clothes, about my friends. She has a bad habit of being critical of me sometimes, suffocating me, and it's taken me a long time to realize how affected I was by her, and how to let the judgmental words roll off my shoulder. It's still hard.
And like you, I love my mother, too, she's my MOTHER. She's an amazing person. And I'm always going to be close to her. But it's a relief, now that I'm older and moved out on my own, to be more capable of shaking off the hurtful words and remaining true to myself, while knowing we love each other all the same.
I know our situations are not the same.. but I wholeheartedly agree with you in that you do deserve your own space and time to be YOU, even if it means not always being there when your mother wants to talk, especially if it is hurting you and hindering your progress. After all, if you're not feeling healthy and strong, and taking care of yourself, you won't be able to support her. And hopefully, she'll understand.
I completely and totally know how it feels to be hurt by the ones that love you and should support the most. My family is comprised of larger people who see eating as a social event and a distraction from boredom. We are all anywhere from 30-100 pounds over our desired weight.
Despite this, I have been constantly berated and scolded by my mom for being heavy and therefore unattractive. I can't even bear to quote to you some of the well-meant things that she has said and which left me totally devastated.
I know that weight loss is supposed to be for OUR own benefit...but I still know, deep down, that I'm doing this for my mother. Because I want her to stop hating the way I look.
Sadly, though, I'm learning that she will only now resent me for it.
It's a hard struggle, and definitely added pressure to our goals and hopes.
But you have to be strong, and do what's best for YOU!
Its hard to make people understand your attachment to food, i have always been an emotional eater...when i get down i binge. My mother isn't like that at all. Although she has always had weight issues, our relationship with food is completely different. She has said some hurtful stuff over the years, but you have to learn to ignore it. she is trying to be helpful, she doesn't mean to be hurtful.
Go to the gym! work out! it will help with the stress! tomorrow is a new day!
A smart woman once told me "it's ok to seek out nurturing/mothering from sources other than your mother". I've found benefit from surrounding myself with nurturing people, especially when my mother became emotionally unavailable.
Perhaps we seek nurturing from food when are lacking it from proper sources.
I totally understand how you feel, though my mom has never been particularly supportive (or maybe she doesn't know how?). My mom has very old, conservative and traditional views on everything and it is incredibly tough to speak to her about anything personal (I'm very opinionated and its frustrating b/c the older I get, the less we can relate in conversation). She is quite neurotic, so if I ever say anything to her about the way she speaks to me about my weight loss or more importantly, weight gains.. she pulls the guilt card on me. She just doesn't.. understand or know how to be anything different, so I try to just accept her as is and do my best to not internalize things she says that might be detrimental to my mental well-being.
It's really tough, I know, especially when your mother calls you out to help her with something else but ends up saying things to make you feel like running into the arms of sugar/fat..
I can't say I know exactly what to do, the only thing that has worked for me is distancing myself as much as I can, a balancing act between cutting off ties and still maintaining some type of mother/daughter relationship. I've spoken to my mom numerous times about her effects on me, and that I really NEED to not be around her for my mental health and she has understood somewhat. I just try to avoid personal topics with her, and find some other outlet for my frustrations. Food used to be my thing, now I just try to find a quiet spot and zone out and not think too much about it.
*SQUISHES* I just wanted to drop in and thank everyone for their response - you don't know how much comfort your words have been for me. As someone says, if we're not getting the support we need from the usual places, gotta find it elsewhere right?
Hopefully I'll see everyone around the forums more and be able to give back some of the help that you've given me. Thank you again and good luck to everyone on their journey! I'm so glad that there are for forums like this now where people of like minds and reach out to each other regardless of distance. *squishes all around* ^^
In my situation my family members are in the obese range of their weight for as long as I can remember. When I told them I wanted to diet, I get rolled eyes and a disapproving laugh. They think the 50 lbs I gained since college is nothing, but to me it is quite a lot never having had to deal with these issues before. I think the best thing to do is to keep up your own goals, eating habits, but try to not keep talking about the subject with mom. With my parents I bring up other subjects, because I know the diet subject is a sensitive one to them as they have really given up, but tried and failed so many times. For your mom, she really might not understand, so you should change the subject and take responsibility and spend your time with mom on other subjects. Good luck !!
Quit explaining. You can not explain the struggles of weightloss to someone who has not done it.
If she needs you, then stick to the topics that she needs you for. Do not talk about weight, do not talk about food, if she brings it up change the subject.
And no matter how much a person needs you, you have a right to time to yourself (I have 2 small kiddos and they rarely stop me from getting my workout in). If she wants to talk when you are on your way to the gym, tell her "oooh, ok, cant right now but I'll be back at 7 and would love to talk with you then" After the gym you are less likely to be derailed by stress.
Sometmes it’s the ppl who love us the most that end up hurting us
