Closed Thread
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-13-2004, 03:21 PM   #1  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
lovnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,112

S/C/G: 175 / 140 / 125

Height: 5'2"

Default sad, needing prayers

Hi, my name is Kristi and I've been a Christian all my life. The Lord has loved me through a painful childhood that included an alcoholic father and a very co-dependent mother who acted throughout my childhood as if her life would have been wonderful if she just hadn't gotten married. Of course to a child this translates into happiness = no children. Jesus carried me through my own drinking problems as a young adult right into the wonderful life I now lead. Married to a good man with 4 beautiful children ages 4, 7, 8, and 10. Two boys and two girls. I've been a stay at home mom for 10.5 yrs. I am the Sun.School co-ordinator, VBS director, and have taught Sun. school for 6 yrs. My church and my faith are central in my life. With God's help I'm even conquering the power food has held over me for most of my life. Sounds all so terrific I'm almost embarrassed to ask for your prayers and possibly your support and friendship. I would like you to pray for my strength to let go of my need for my mother's approval. Although we have what outsiders would call a good relationship it's really just a fake. I had 13 guests for Easter dinner. It was a mix of both mine and my husband's families plus our Pastor and his wife. Dinner was delicious, conversation flowed, and we all had a lovely time. Today my mother called and the only comment my mother made about Easter was how nice it was of my sister-in-law to do the dishes for me. (this sister-in-law is married to my mother's favorite) Don't misunderstand me, it was wonderful that she did dishes, but my other sister-in-law stood side by side with her and did the dishes as well. No praise for her. Why not? No praise for me either. I'm the only one in our family that has small children. My husband and I also are financially less well off than the rest. Why couldn't she have told me that it was nice of me to host dinner. No, the only comment I got was why did I put the salads before the meat and potatoes in my buffet line? Where were they suppose to go? I hope your not running scared from me right now. I just want you to pray that her approval not mean so muchto me. Until she called today I had such a wonderful feeling about how Easter had gone. I still do mind you, it's just dimmed now. Does anyone out there have a relationship with their mother or some other important person in their life that resembles mine and my mom's.

Thanks for letting me whine to you. I know at nearly 40 yrs. old silly little things like this shouldn't matter any more, but some things are proving hard to shake.

PAX,

Kristi
lovnmom is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 09:55 AM   #2  
Junior Member
 
standnngrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 14

Default Good morning Kristi

Dearest Kristi,
What you have been through is hard to shake. I understand where you are at. My mother died two years ago and I still do things for her approval (:
The body of Christ is a wonderful thing. We can come to one another with our struggles and bear one anothers burdens. I will be praying for you today.
Dear Lord Father God , I pray for healing in Krista's heart. You are glorified through her efforts. Let her know in her heart how much you love and cherish her. Lord where she has been wounded by the sins that have been committed against her I pray that she could come to you. I pray that she would be strengthened to forgive. Lord teach her how to respond. I pray she could be who you made her to be .....wonderful. I ask for freedom for her to follow You with all her heart and to walk in your purposes. FATHER hold her in your arms. Lord let her hear your voice above all others. Let it be the most important sound she hears... In Jesus name i pray amen
standnngrace is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 11:18 AM   #3  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
lovnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,112

S/C/G: 175 / 140 / 125

Height: 5'2"

Default

Dear Valerie, I thank you so much for the beautiful prayer. Prayers are the strongest medicine. Other than for forgiveness I so often forget to pray for myself. I am so truly blessed that it seems unfair to ask for more. I know God wants us to bring all our troubles to Him so that we can be nurtured and loved. I too will hold you in my prayers as well this day.

Kristi
lovnmom is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 07:58 PM   #4  
Senior Member
 
sami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Indianapolis,In ,US
Posts: 433

Default

Kristi I am praying for you. I grew up with a Mother who drank and I use to bend over backward for her approvel also. I have 6 children. One day I couldn't drop everything and run for her and she was so mad at me! I cried for days and it hit me that nothing I every would do would be good enough. And my family came first! I Mom hasn't had a drink in 17 years. And today she is my best friend. Once I stood up and she relized I didn't have to take it anymore she did a 180 turn around. I also had sister-in-laws who were bad about causing trouble (my brothers married sisters) And I finally realized I didn't have to ruin my holidays anymore. So I started saying no I can't make it! It was the best thing I ever did. Now I love the holidays! My Pastor really help me while I struggled with this. I will pray for you. Remember You are important and to your husband and Children, friends and God you are the BEST!!!!!
Please feel free to vent anytime!
sami is offline  
Old 04-14-2004, 10:12 PM   #5  
Senior Member
 
Angel-lover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,125

Default

Hello Kristi....I'm so sorry for your pain. It's so unfortunate that some mothers are that way. Mine, I'm afraid was the same. I know, surely, my mother hugged me....but, I can't remember. I know, surely, she spoke kindly to me...but, I can't remember. Everything she said to me was in a scolding way. She woke me up for school each morning with a belt. I suppose she didn't want to take time calling me more than once....I often wanted to ask her, but didn't. I was a quiet little girl, & a good teenager that respected my parents. I was a "daddy's girl"...so, that may have been it. She may have been jealous. I just don't know. I have an older sister, & a younger sister. They weren't treated much better, though. Maybe, my younger sister, because she was the baby. That was ok...I didn't want her to go through what I did.

Mother was a very selfish person. She loved money so much that it came before everything. When I say everything...I mean it. I longed for a mother to talk to about dates, & other things. But, I couldn't...she would accuse me of being a "bad" girl. She would tell daddy that she saw me in the car after a date doing bad things. Of course, he knew better. There's a lot I could tell. I lost my dad to cancer when he was only 54....I was 21.

I'm married to the best man in the world. We've both been christians since we first met at 16. I became a christian at 13...he at 15. My husband teaches the Bible. I volunteer at a christian TV station...& have my own singing program. I try to be there, mostly, for anyone who needs someone to listen to them. I know how important that is. I wish I'd had someone.
My mother now has Alziemer's, and in a nursing home. She has turned right opposite. (I've heard this happens.) She is so sweet. She is so proud of me....recognizing me, still, because she sees me every day on the TV station in the evenings during the News, Weather, Announcement program. She wants to hold my hand, & hug me.

I know this isn't my mother's true personality...but, I can't help but hold on to her & take all the hugs I can get when I visit. I want her to be proud of me. She tells the nurses..."that's my girl!" I'm almost 55 yrs old...I should know better. I can't help myself, though. I guess I'm crying & longing for the mother I never had. It's so hard to explain. I don't think I'll ever stop wanting my mother's approval...you may not either...but, maybe we can make peace with it. It DID teach me to be a better mother to my children...as, I know, you are to yours.

There's a lot in this life we don't understand. You did a very nice thing for your family & friends. I'm sure everyone else noticed. I've seen people with "favorites" also...as you pointed out. There's little, if anything we can do about it. When she falls short of complimenting someone she should...maybe you can do it. No doubt, words are probably being said to your other sister-in-law that sting.

I'm sorry this is so long....I just care. I'll try to keep it shorter. There's just so much more I could say. I'm sure you could too. If you ever need to talk...I'll be glad to listen. I'm praying for you, my friend.
Angel-lover is offline  
Old 04-16-2004, 01:11 PM   #6  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
lovnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,112

S/C/G: 175 / 140 / 125

Height: 5'2"

Default

Dear Sami and Angel Lover, I feel so much the pain that you both grew up with. I recognize so many of the things you've written from your childhoods in my own. I felt uncomfortable the day I first opened this thread. No one ever wants to put their vulnerabilities out there for everyone to see, but some days it's just necessary to unload it, but I knew there had to be others out there whe feel like I do. I am so grateful to you for your prayers and also for your openess. I'm sorry that you both went through considerable pain as young girls, but am overjoyed that you both are leading happy lives as adults. Your prayers have been heard and I myself am once again the confident selfassured me I like to be. I will keep you in my prayers.

Comforted, Kristi
lovnmom is offline  
Old 04-19-2004, 01:28 PM   #7  
Psalm 91:9-11
 
SunnyD57's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: I am from 29 Palms, California... but now live in Northeast, Ohio
Posts: 2,107

S/C/G: SW-245.5/CW-209/GW-170

Height: 5'5"

Red face

Dear, Dear Kristi -
My heart goes out to you more then you'll ever know...

I just wanted to share with you that my mom & I (I'm the oldest of 4) just never seemed to connect even though I admired her all my life. I think it had something to do with jealousy - you see... ... my father came to me during the night whenever he was in the U.S. from being oversea's (Marine in the 1950's/1960). I was 5 when it all began and 12 when it stopped I am now 47. I always wanted my mother's approval & love, but what my father did got in the way of it - I knew she loved me, but being a victim herself as a child (something I found out later when I researched their lives) - she was blinded by her own world of pain, so she just couldn't see mine or help me. And the same went for my father (also an alcoholic) - he too was very abused by his step father.

In 1985, my father wrote me a letter acknowledging what he had done and it opened the floodgates to healing for us all... Mom and I made a trip together not long after -back to her childhood home- and we had many sleepless nights with pillow talk, tears and some laughter and allot of love and hugs. More then I ever got as a child! She was able to share with me her pain and her anguish in not being able to help me or herself. She could not see 'my pain' past her own.
Human's are a odd sort of fellow

I got a bit ahead of myself... One year I decided not to try to win her (their) approval or wait for it and just live my life as God wanted me to. GOD is all the approval I needed and I just needed to accept that. I took som time and dove into research of my father's & mother's history - asking them about their lives: what was their childhood like, what were their dreams, where did they want to go in life and how they felt about themselves today... I did this throughout a year and a half's time. It wasn't always easy to stay focused but God was there every time I needed a shoulder and so was my hubby, Joe. I saw that throughout the year or so of sharing with my parents ~ the pain they had in their lives as children & young adults ~ altered the way they raised us & it was the only way 'they knew how'.

It took time... but I have forgiven (and continue to forgive them) both my parents for the errors of raising us. And every time I feel hurt or feel neglected God whispers to me "I am STILL here ~ you can count on Me!" Your parents are only human with hurts of their own and are imperfect, we are a people with conditions ~ on the other hand, God is perfect and loves us unconditionally. We all have our baggage, so do our parents... it's up to us to lead a life that God wants us to lead, He's the only approval we need & the only one that needs to see what we do to help out one another. So after some time of tears, hate, tears, anger, tears, unrest and finally acceptance I have grown to love my parents (with their false). And they love me with mine! They have not changed all that much, but I have. Oh, I am not going to tell you that it's all perfect now, I still long for their approval (and sometimes actually do get it - a wonderful gift when it happens), but I no longer search it out or wait for it to move on in my life and be content. I love my husband and my life & my kitty's - all gifts from God! Why should I allow anyone to continue to stomp on me & take what God wants me to have away.

It is all in your hands, Kirsti, just put them together and look up All that you have around you that brings you happiness is given to you by God. The Devil will do all he can to put his foot in the door of your happiness, because as long as you are vulnerable & sad you are cracking that door just enough for him to get in... Love people where they are at and you will be so much happier for it. Give up the chase... Never expect anything and you will never be disappointed. The change in you will bring change around you, but it takes time & perseverance & effort on your part. Nothing is ever worthwhile that you do not work hard for. The rope with three strands is so much stronger then the rope with one strand... Your Father in Heaven, you & the love of your Husband & family will get you through life. The rest is a bonus.

May the Lord Bless You, Kristi, and help you to know that you are never ever alone in this world. God is just so GOOD! Thank-you for sharing with us & allowing me to share with you, I only pray that I have helped you. Feel better soon and know that you are loved!


You will be added to my DAILY prayers...
{{{Big warm Hugs}}}
and *God's Blessings*
SunnyD

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Last edited by SunnyD57; 04-19-2004 at 01:50 PM.
SunnyD57 is offline  
Old 04-19-2004, 08:46 PM   #8  
Senior Member
 
Angel-lover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,125

Default

Hi Kristi....& all others.

Hope this day finds you with peace. I've been thinking a lot about all the posts I've read, & about my own. You know, Mother's Day is coming up....it makes it a little harder. I/we go see our mothers...I "pretend" that all is well at the nursing home, as I visit & take my mother a gift. I "pretend" as I hold her hand & hug her....I know she doesn't really know me (Alziemers) Somehow, the pretending is necessary. It's almost like I'm a little girl again & need that love. I just wanted you all to know that I'm thinking of you as the day draws nearer. I don't know how you handle it each year...but, I just "pretend" as I do with all other visits. I guess it helps.

My own children & husband really make big over the day with me. I have a lovely family. Maybe I was/am a good mother.....I hope so.
Angel-lover is offline  
Old 04-19-2004, 11:05 PM   #9  
Senior Member
 
sami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Indianapolis,In ,US
Posts: 433

Default

My heart just goes out when I read all the posts. God is good and he can heal. I am so thankful for the healing he has done in my life and with my Mother. We just spent the weekend together because my Aunt died and she was so thankful I took out of state to the funeral. Kristi I know your pain but remember the problem isn't you it is your Mom who is missing out. And God is working on her. I know Sunny and Angel lover from other sites and they are some of the kindest and strongest Christians I have the pleasure to know. Someone told me once what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. My prayers continue to be with you. Please feel free to join us anytime on Christian encouragers everyone is always welcome.
Sami
sami is offline  
Old 04-20-2004, 11:27 AM   #10  
Senior Member
 
Angel-lover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,125

Default

Hello everyone...

Sami...just wanted to thank you for caring for all of us. You have had a tough past to overcome, also. So glad it worked out for you. Thank you for being the kind, considerate person you are.

Sunny...I can't even imagine what you had to go through. I'm so sorry. Only the love of the Lord can bring us through. I'm so glad you have such a loving husband. You're a benefit to the board...& a good friend to all.

Hope all of you have a good week.
Angel-lover is offline  
Old 04-20-2004, 03:12 PM   #11  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
lovnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,112

S/C/G: 175 / 140 / 125

Height: 5'2"

Default

I want to start out by thanking each of you for the support and kindness you've shared.

Sunny, Your story is so full of inspiration. I can't imagine going through what you had to endure. I'm truly thankful that someone shared the Lord with you so that you could come to have such a personal relationship with Him. I believe He is our one true rock to stand on (and sometimes cling to). My relationship with my mother has come a long way since the birth of my first child, because if nothing else Mom is an A #1 Grandma. I too know that my mother did not have a "Norman Rockwell" childhood and that she really did do the best she knew how. I have to keep in mind when I find myself angry at or put down by her comments that it is the devil picking at old wounds. He knows exactly the times to start in. (like Easter Sun. when I was exhausted) the stinker likes to strike at church too among the women trying to do God's work together!!!! I'll close by thanking you for your kind words and you too are added to my prayer list.

Sami, thanks for the reminder to not blame myself all the time. I'm not the problem.God bless you.

Angel Lover, I know what you mean by the stress of Mother's Day. For the past 6 yrs. I've taken my mother to the Mother Daughter banquet put on by the ladies of my church and let my brother entertain Mom on the actual day. That way my own mother's day is spent happily with my husband and children who wouldn't hurt me for the world. So far we've had only 1 of our banquets not go so well where we've said some not so nice things to each other. Not bad odds actually! I love my mom. NO she didn't hugme, tuck me in, read to me, tell me she loves me, but she did teach me just how important these things are to a child and remarkably my children (plus my Sun. school class, my cub scout den, my soccer teams of the past etc..) are reaping the benefits of that hard earned knowledge. I am feeling extra super these days and are praying that God blesses you all in marvelous ways.

PAX, Kristi
lovnmom is offline  
Old 04-21-2004, 12:28 PM   #12  
Member
 
DeenieD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 75

Default

I had a better childhood than most, but still have that awful desire of feeling the need to please my mom and wanting her approval. What drives me nuts is all the subtle and not so subtle digs about my weight.
My mom is 5-2 and weights 102 and never has had to deal with weight issues - she says things like "I thought you were trying to lose weight" "Be awful to die young and leave your kids" etc.
My dh wants to tell her off, but doesn't because I don't want him too.
I think there is often a little girl in me wanting approval even in my forties.
DeenieD is offline  
Old 04-21-2004, 02:50 PM   #13  
Senior Member
Thread Starter
 
lovnmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,112

S/C/G: 175 / 140 / 125

Height: 5'2"

Default

Oh Deenie, I so hear you. My mother started with the weight issues by the time I was 10 yrs. old. My mother too is very thin even though she eats mostly sweets. So, I started my first diet at age 12. I was 5'2" and weighed 135 in the 7th grade. That summer I started smoking and drinking coffee to ward off hunger pains. This was 1976 when anorexia had never been heard of, but I now know I was skating a very slippery slope. I used laxatives and enemas, walked for miles, baked nearly every day and then fed it to other people. I had many of the classic signs. I returned to the 8th grade weighing just over 80# and ended up at a low of 76. Through all of this my mother never questioned anything. The only remark I got that I remember is her telling me how finally it was fun to take me shopping. Before this she made me shop in the husky boy's dept. at Penney's. No sence spending extra money on girly things if I wasn't going to look good in them any way!! (her words not mine) Thankfully in Nov. of '77 I got hit by a car and of course had to spend time in the hospital. Blessedly I was not a bulimic and had no way to hide the food so I ate what they said I should and felt better than I had in almost a year. I continued to smoke and drink coffee and maintained a healthy weight through most of high school and my early 20's, but then I wised up and quit smoking and packed on the pounds. I lost those the healthy way and then gained again having 4 children. Once again I'm losing it the healthy way and am feeling terrific about myself these days. I now have a 10 yr old who is chubby. (skinny everywhere except her belly). She came to me the other day and expressed unhappiness about her tummy (some teasing at school, but not by her own classmates) I asked if she wanted help losing it and her answer was yes. For now I've told her probably all she would have to do is quit eating school food. (it's so ladden with fat and cals. some days 3 of the 4 choices on the menu are breads and cereals!!)She has started packing a healthy lunch. No diet items just fresh fruits, lean meats, portion control, etc....She's naturally very active. I think she'll see happy results soon. I try to make sure she knows she's beautiful and so much loved no matter her size. She is a happy kid. I pray every day that God will show me the right way so I don't mess up my kids. I'm sorry Deenie I blathered on, it some times helps so much to write about these things. I rarely allow myself to think of my childhood let alone discuss it with anyone. Thank you! I know how bad it can feel to have a mother make comments like the ones you mentioned. For every, " are you gonna EAT that," " what SIZE are those, " " I thought YOU were on a DIET." or my personal favorite, " do you want some of the CAKE I MADE, oh NO I suppose YOU CAN'T have any." we have to say a little prayer asking for the strength to love them any way and the knowledge that we are beautiful wonderful people and that sometimes others are just blind to it for their own nurotic reasons.
Have a great day all and may you recognize the miracle God does in your life today.

Kristi
lovnmom is offline  
Old 09-25-2004, 09:31 AM   #14  
Senior Member
 
FrugalChick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: South Eastern Georgia, USA
Posts: 326

S/C/G: 197/159/140

Height: 5' 4"

Default

My heart goes out to all of you women on the boards--knowing that there is plenty of pain to go around. To know that mothers have such power over their children! I'm afraid my story is quite similar to some of yours--I was molested by my uncle, whom we were living with after my step-dad left my mom. When my mother started dating and I expressed discomfort with him (he looked at me 'weird' and was a satanist) she wouldn't hear me out. I guessed I picked a wrong time to talk about my uncle because she said --and these words will haunt me until the day I die--"You are only bringing this up now because you want to ruin my happiness!"

My mother was just as selfish as some of yours'. So much, in fact, that she left my 14 yr old brother with strangers so she could live in PA with a boyfriend she met online. (That realationship only lasted a year, but she found a new boy friend and she is STILL in PA. My brother is now 20 and is making his own way). I leave the lines of communication open and only hear from her about twice a year.

I will keep you all in my prayers, that is for sure. But as well all know, God takes the evil that people do to us and the Devil brings down on us and uses it for good. While it's obvious that some of these cycles go on generation after generation, it CAN be broken. WITH US. Because we recognize the horrors that were brought on us by OUR parents, we can break that cycle with our own Children. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and two healthy children. After 8 yrs of being together, he has finally accepted Christ into his life. God is now the center of our whole universe. I'm not saying things don't happen--they just get easier when you stop trying to do it by yourself.

God bless you all~
FrugalChick is offline  
Old 09-27-2004, 09:12 AM   #15  
Senior Member
 
Angel-lover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,125

Default

Hi,
I answered your pm.
I'm going to start a new thread for us...."FRIENDS" See you there!
Angel-lover is offline  
Closed Thread

Related Topics
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Sack SANTA'S Sad Sack ~ GUARANTEE EZMONEY Weight Loss Support 141 01-01-2009 02:38 PM
The Race to 199! Join Us! Girlie Support Groups 4386 05-18-2007 11:29 AM
Join Us - Daily Check-In II - new thread tiredoffat Support Groups 543 04-11-2006 02:29 PM
Movin' And Losin' Part 17 mooz49 Support Groups 553 01-09-2006 08:17 PM


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:57 AM.


We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.