Hey guys ... So I have been through this support website over and over again. I feel like an addict coming off and on the bandwagon. This is my story
I am from a family of heavy set people. I am the first child to both my parents and I always felt deprived growing up. My whole life has always been one alienation after the other. So I turned to men to help me to deal with it all. I was raped when I was 9 and I actually developed a wired relationship with my rapist. I began to like him .he was my baby sitter and honestly a father figure when everyone ignored me. all the " positive" role models in my life usually treated me like I was useless. my pastor told me that I should do something that doesn't require any intelligence. High school was miserable and a joke. I started to feel like I just was out of control. I was always looking for some man to help me to feel wanted and they always rejected me. I loved in with my dad and my step mother alienated and abused me. went to college met amazing people but felt like I heard God call me to something and now I'm trying to pursue it.
now I've graduated college and I took this huge step to move to the big city. I thought I left all the toxicity behind me but now I feel so shut up. food has always been my comfort my gift to myself. no matter how broke I was or how mean everyone was to me I could always afford a cheap pick me up. now I'm in this turbulent long distance relationship that requires a ridiculous some of money for us to save to be together. when we got together he lived in a different country. he was a love for the past that came back . how we are engaged and we not only have to pay off a bond from his employer that keeps him in that country but now because of this$10,000 sum of money I literally can't have a wedding.. It's so hard because I've always felt so alone now I'm really very alone. I came here to the city to pursue a completely new lifestyle and I am still so held back. I just eat so much it's so stupid. I feel so alone though. my boss is the most ridiculous human being in the world. he stresses me out I eat. I'm lonely I eat. I'm bored I eat. I'm sad I eat. I want to say happy birthday to myself I eat. it's so expensive and center productive . I hate food. I don't even really enjoy it anymore . I just eat though.
my relationship with God has improved so much . I have been in constant communication with him which has been wonderful but at the end of the day I resent the fact that everything in my life always revolves around deprivation sacrifice. it sucks. sorry. it does. I want so much to have one thing. some time in my life to feel special. I sincerely believe I have given God everything. I just want a moment u know. I hate self pity. I'm sorry but I have to let it out. food has always been my only comfort and now to be honest I don't even really enjoy it . I think I eat to tell myself its rewarding if that makes any sense. I need to hear from God can someone pray for him to help me out. just give me something to enjoy