Uh oh. I have been weight training for over a year now. During that time, my weight dropped, stabilized but in recent months has started to go up and I am visibly getting bigger. It's been a slow process but I am struggling dealing with the weight gain. For months I was sitting comfortably at around 170lbs but the high 170s seems to be my new norm. I am eating a lot of clean, unprocessed foods especially protein to fuel my exercise. And I feel good.

But I am having issues with i) the scale and ii) getting bigger after getting smaller.

I really like weight training so I do not want to give that up. And I like what I eat. Grrrrrrr. Not fair.

How can I detach myself more from the scale?

And how can I find a body image to settle on? I don't know who the "real me" in the mirror should look like. I was fat for so long, I don't have a "normal".

Maybe its time to break out the tape measure? And/or get your body fat percentage measured? I'm sure it has to be a tough adjustment, but maybe if you have multiple metrics, it'll help put the scale into perspective.

The body image is a tougher one. I've got nothing to offer there. I've never been able to transition to seeing myself as not fat.

My tip - have someone check your weight/muscle/thing! I don't know what it's called in English haha but you know that really annoying test where they pinch your skin to see the percentage of fat? If you update your stats on those every time you weight in (say, once a month or every two weeks at most), then you can see you're making progress and now just gaining!

I would suggest that you stick to being the ideal weight for your height and take it for granted that you look your best that way! Atleast this is how I view myself in my current situation - I am 5'6" and for my height, I am given to understanding that anything less than 200 lbs is good. And since I am in that range (< 200 lbs), I think "I don't look bad". If I were to lose another 25 lbs, I would immediately start thinking, "I look good"!

Ian, I have struggled with a variation of this. Last year, when I spent six months doing New Rules of Lifting for Women, and then finished it & started Bret Contreras' Strong Curves program, I went up about 10 lbs. My waist size dropped but my quads, calves and in particular my arms and shoulders increased.

With my history of having been over 257 pounds, this freaked me out. But I knew I was so much stronger, that so many things that I did were easier and I had such a sense of accomplishment in the gym.

Then I got hit by a car while walking to the gym one morning to lift weights, was badly injured, bedridden, not permitted to move much and not allowed to walk or put any weight on my shattered & mended left leg for three months. Guess what? All my muscle gains: Gone. I didn't get fat, though. In fact, I lost weight, mostly by virtue of being extremely vigilant about my diet. I lost about 12-14 lbs.

Now I'm recovering slowly, moving around tentatively, walking with a cane, using the recumbent bike at the gym to build up my leg muscle.

People at the gym see me and some women say: "You look good." One said: "You look better now." This came from a woman who prizes the delicate slender female look. Which I've realized isn't what I'm going for. I want to look strong more than I want to look slim.

So anyway, what I am learning is:

- Why do I keep working at body modification, whether through weight loss or body reshaping and recomposition? And is this okay? Or just a manifestation of a lack of a sense of self-worth (I have to look great to be okay) and a further elaboration of an eating disorder?

- Maybe I belong on bodybuilding.com now, rather than here? Because many posting there understand my goals better. And isn't it okay for your interests to change and your self-improvement projects to change with them?

- Lots of people in the strength training world say throw away the scale. But then they just swap out that one number for physical achievement numbers (weights lifted, etc.)

I don't know, I'm still working through all this, but I wonder if it sounds familiar to you?

Thanks saef for your story and your very deep insights. I hope you are recovering well. You have given me a lot to think about.

Your last three points struck me the most. On body modification, I have no sense of who the real me is because I have always been fat. So there is no goal, at least not yet. I know how to be skinny. I did that a year or so ago. Hit about 163lbs, really watching the diet and doing lots of cardio. But then I started to eat better and do weights. I gained about 10-15lbs but looked and felt better too. Still do. So now the more I lift and the better I eat, the better I look and feel but I know this road will end at some point too. I do not want to one of those massive guys I see at the gym. But I just don't know who I want to be. So I just keep on pushing. And pushing is not really pushing since weight training, cardio and diet are incredible stress relievers for me. There is no work. There is just more of the same and it feels good.

Regarding bodybuilding.com, I feel more comfortable here. For starters, I love the focus on diet and a healthly lifetstyle rather than just the numbers game. Besides, I do way too much cardio to be a bodybuilder. But I lurk there from time to time.

On throwing away the scale, I can't. If I were to just go full-on with bodybuilding I would eat a ton and pile on a lot of weight. Yes, a lot of that gain would be muscle but the risk would be fat too and if bad habits stepped in, my fear is that I would be back to square one.

So I guess I am trying to achieve the almost impossible.

Muscle gain without weight gain.

Ian,

I've seen a lot of your posts on the forums - it seems like you're very knowledgable and very healthy, and when you have a goal, you set it and achieve it! I think that you just have very high standards (as many of the people on these forums). Sometimes when we've reach one goal, we always strive to aim higher and higher. My advice is to keep doing what you're doing, set goals for yourself, but don't beat yourself up for trying to achieve something seemingly impossible. Work with what you got and strive to be all you can!

-Daniela

Thanks Daniela. I will try to do that.