This is a ranty, whining post that probably doesn't belong here, but I'm not sure where else to put it, and I need to get it off my chest.
I have something medical going on. Abdominal pain, loss of appetite, nausea, etc. I keep going in for exams and progress reports and more testing.... and so far we don't know anything. Maybe Crohns, but that's difficult to get a good diagnosis on, because it can be so similiar to other forms of colitis. It's not really typical of -anything-, so there's a lot of unknown out there for me.
I have no appetite. Even when my stomach is clearly hungry, the thought of food is outright repulsive to me. I need to be as weight-stable as I can be while we diagnose this, but the act of eating is work, and every time I set my fork down, I don't want to pick it up again. Drinking water is getting harder too, and I used to guzzle water all day long.
I set timers to remind myself to eat. I drink sweet things, even though they taste vile. I put extra fat in everything. I eat mechanically, because it's the only way I can get food down.
Cooking and eating used to be joyful... an expression of creativity or an experiment or an adventure. Now it's just... a chore. One that apparently ranks below cleaning the toilets on my preference list.
If this is chronic (which it seems to be, with flares that have been coming closer together), I'm not going to be allowed to diet down to a "healthy" BMI, because of the danger a flare could spiral me down to an unhealhty weight.
If I had to stay at this weight forever, I could deal with that. But I'm not sure I can deal with forcing myself to eat three times a day for another few weeks, let alone years stretching into the future.