Hi all. This is a bit off topic in a sense, but I need some help here. I think my brother is going through a major depression. He has gone off like this before, and seems to be on a two or three year cycle. He currently sounds depressed (I can tell by the way he talks on the phone), and unloads his problems onto me. I in turn am having a super hard time dealing with this, as I have my own huge sock of issues to deal with. I have urged him to get medical help and counselling, and I don't know if he is because he won't tell me what is up - I only hear his perception, which is quite frankly like listening to Chicken Little (the SKY IS FALLING!!!). I have tried to alleviate his work concerns (NO you aren't going to be fired, NO things aren't as bad as they seem, YES things will get better) but other than that, I am at a loss. What do I DO???? How do I stop feeling responsible for his moods and behaviors??? Am I enabling him by feeding into is "woe is me" mentality? Or am I being too harsh??? HELP!!!

hi freiamaya,
I understand how you feel. I have a large family, and I have to deal with alot of the same stuff with my siblings, too I certainly don't have all of the answers - I don't think anyone does. How do we ever know the 'right' way to deal with family and their issues? I think we can only do our best, lending support and loving them while trying to keep things in perspective.
Just remember that your brother is an adult who has to make his own decisions about his life. Please don't feel responsible for the way that he feels. And allow yourself some 'me' time so you stop feeling so overwhelmed (maybe even consider taking advantage of some of that counseling yourself).
Hope things get better soon!

Lisa, you basically expanded on my general idea. Thank you!

Thanks for the advice, all. I just had coffee with him, and he truly is worse off than I thought. Or maybe he is just vocalizing his worst fears at this point. He says that from his perspective, he is hanging onto his job and isn't successful (not true, as his job is pretty much guaranteed and is well paying), and he got quite tearful when he said that he "wasn't getting any younger" (he's 38) and that he "didn't know what he would do" if something happened to our aging parents as "they were all he had". He wants a relationship, but doesn't want to go out and meet people, and is taking the measure of his self-worth as a long-term relationship and as a fabulous career. I think that he is a bit mis-guided, and I said that not everyone gets married, and until you are happy with yourself, it might not be a good idea. As far as I am concerned, the IDEAL situation is to be happily married or in a stable long-term relationship. The NEXT best thing is to be self-sufficient and by yourself. The WORST thing is to be unhappy and in a crappy relationship. He got angry with this, because I am married, so he isn't listening when I say this. Anyways, I tried to get him to focus on the positive, but I think he is clinically depressed. I urged him again to get counselling as this is out of my field of help, and there isn't anything I can do. He is reluctant, so who knows.
Thanks for all of your thoughts - I just want him to be content with himself, but I don't know if that will ever happen. And, I get this huge burden put on ME as I hear all this stuff and now don't know what to do with it. I hate this. Thanks again, anyways, for your advice. Any more thoughts would be appreciated!

freiamaya,
Do the only thing that you can - love him and be there for him, but it's his life, his choices, his responsibility.
Good luck hon, I know that it's never easy!

hi... i dont think minimizing his problems or downplaying anything he says will make him feel any better. dont cut him off from your life; he is your brother...he is obviously very insecure and cutting him off may be a really bad idea. just explain to him that though you may be the person in his life who knows him best, you are NOT an expert. explain that you care about him a lot and that you understand what he is saying, but that you do not know how to alleviate his problems. tell him to consider seeing a psychotherapist because you feel he would benefit more from that than from talking to you (even though it may not be true. the reason for this is that you want to empower him). tell him you had had to see someone once (if it is the truth, go with it, if it's not, make sure it's realistic) and tell him how much it helps to talk to someone who can really help him.

he may say that a psychotherapist would only be listening to him because they are being paid for it but assure him that regardless of whether or not thats the case, it does help and that he will be given tools to help himself rationalize out of his insecurities. he may dismiss the therapist idea because he/she wont know him like you do. but you need to reiterate that you are an expert on YOUR life, not his, and that with the help of a therapist he can learn to become an expert on his own life.

I really feel that the only way to unburden yourself is to have him talk to someone. it will really help you both, and he will be communicating with someone while not weighing you down. just an idea. good luck!

sorry-reread the post (been a long day!!) and i still think you could urge him once more because he wont stop talking to you unless he has someone else he can talk to

i think he really needs a companion, you shouldn't discourage him about relationships, encourage him to go out more, meet people