This hurts so much
 

Today we went over to my in-laws house for a cookout. There was no junk, and I ate very sensibly :)
The hurt and painful part about it was what my father in-law said to my mother in-law.
There was bees flying around the picnic table. I am allergic to bees, so if I get stung, my face and parts of my body swell up and I can't breath.
His comment was "would we even notice if she swelled up anyway?"
I felt like dying, and I was so embarrassed that he disrespected and hummilited me like that. I am now very down in the dumps. How do I talk about that to my in laws with out having another nasty comment thrown at me?

Aww hon, what a rude man he is. Your DH needs to set them strait. If my inlaws ever said something like that to me you can bet your bippie he'd defend me.

I'm so sorry :hug:

Wow, how extremely rude! I think you should have said that that comment was uncalled for. Call them and tell them you felt really hurt by that comment and wanted to let them know that you expect them to be a lot more respectful of you in the future or else...I am sure they are not perfect either, so get ready with your own snide remark for the next time they say something this rude...that'll shut em up. I also used to be so shocked I wouldn;t react, now I do. It is a matter of standing up for myself regardless of how much I weigh.

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! Did your hubby hear what he said? If not, I think you should tell him about it and maybe he can talk to his parents and let them know how much that hurt you. My in laws would always make little comments that would break my heart but they never realized how much they hurt me until my husband told them to knock it off. They just have a weird sense of humor that I am entirely too sensitive for. Could this be the case with your father in law, or is he just a really mean man:( ?
Either way, that was very uncalled for, and I'm sorry. Please don't let a remark from someone that insensitive bring you down. :hug:

Some times when you give it back to them....they'll shut up, so next time (if DH doesn't set them strait) you should just say something.

Point & case.... my FIL would make fun of my height which it really didn't bother me... I'm taller then them HA ! it was more annoying than anything... so one day I came out and said, listen, I'm sick of hearing about how jealous YOU are about my height... didn't anyone ever tell you jealousy will never get you any where... WELL!!!! he never said a word after that *pat pat on the back for me*

Some times darling, you just have to stick up for yourself and prove that meekness is not weakness.


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I am so sorry... ignorant is all I could say..your husband should say something. Very disrespectful.
My daughter is allergic to bee's and we almost lost her at a bbq. Being allergic to bee's is no funny matter.. all I could say is what I would do.. I would never return there until I recieved an apology.. so sorry....(((hug)))

Hi -
I am so angry on your behalf! What an insensitive git your father-in-law is! I can totally understand why you're upset - but just remember how well you are doing - you've lost 30lbs already and that isn't easy! I know from experience how easy it is to comfort eat when you're feeling down - but focus on your success. You are going to be fitter, healthier and happier - but your father-in-law will still be the same insensitive, ignorant guy.
Just remember that and smile!

This is something that your husband should deal with.....I found with my in-laws it was better coming from my husband....and I have NO problem standing up for myself....it wasn't personal attacks in my case but advise on my first born....really really interfereing.....coming from me I was just being unreasonable but coming from him they could hear it. Your husband has to demand their respect and politeness when you spend time together.

I would be hard pressed to spend anymore time with people like your in-laws if things didn't change. Life is too short to subject yourself to such discomfort. We might expect that kind of crass behavior from an emeny or stranger but not someone we call family.

That being said....a response to the above mentioned comment could be......."you might not notice the swelling....but even you could notice the dead part".
An absolutely inappropriate response to a serious condition. I am constantly amazed at the rudeness of people.

Liz

Ugh. I so remember, very unfondly, the way i was treated by my first inlaws. Not my weight- I was thin then and they were fat- but every damn thing else. They were critical of everything. When the baby was born, why, it only added fuel to the fire beause then they could criticize how i took care of the baby. Nothing was ever good enough for them. I see you are from Georgia... well then you know how deep country, back woods fundamentalist redneck old folks can be... we are from Mississippi, and my former inlaws are the epitome of everything negative in the Southern stereotype. They were so backwards and bigoted and self-righteous that eating dinner with them was torture.

It is the job of the spouse whose parents are critical to defend the one being criticized. I let it go so long that it began to cause trouble between me and my husband. Finally the old hag overstepped her bounds and told me that if she could she would take the baby from me because I didn't know what i was doing. (ridiculous, the baby was happy, healthy, and has now grown to be a well-adjusted 12 yr old) Husband stepped in finally at that point. he told them if they said one more thing to me that we simply wouldn't come over anymore. Period. And that worked, it really did. I'm so glad to be away from that family.

Now my new Inlaws... my hubby's Dad and Stepmother, his real mom's dead... I like his Dad, but his stepmother is an insane gossipmonger who I suspect is trying to give his dad a heart attack. (Okay, maybe not, but i wouldn't put it past her.) I dread being around her, and i know she talks about me behind my back. Anyway, now that i'm older and wiser, I realize just how many choices I have when it comes to dealing with folks who treat me bad. The fact is, i'll go visit with his dad. But i'll be danged if I go when I know she'll be around. And if my hubby don't like it, well he ought to by-God put his foot down with the wench.

It took me a long time to realize that I am a person deserving of basic human respect. If our inlaws, who are supposed to be extended parts of our family, can't treat us with decency, then we should simply refuse to visit them. Period. And that means they don't get to see the kids. Eventually they will get the message.

My mother, who is now in her 50's, has been bullied by my dad's mom since they marrieed in 1972. My gramdmother is 92 years old and continues to put down on my mom. Why has my mom put up with it so long? Because she doesn't like to "rock the boat" or upset my Dad. Well, what about her? Doesn't my mother, who has been a faithful and supportive wife to my dad and awesome mother to me for 33 years, deserve to be treated as such? But no. She's still victimized about everything from her clothing and hair to her education and employment, by my grandmother.

See how long that crap can go on if you don't put your foot down? It becomes a vicious cycle. Don't be a sweet southern lady about it. (Part of my moms rationale for putting up with this mistreatment all these years is that she "was just raised to be nice about things like that.") Argh! What the **** does that mean, Ma?

Sorry to rant, but your post brought back a flood of memories, and I still get ticked everytime I hear about something new my grandma did to my mom. And guess what? I rarely ever visit my grandma, either. Why should I endure the company of someone who treats my mama like dirt?

Good luck, dear. ;)

Hi Cholie... I can SO relate! My mother in law and I have always had a rocky relationship. (she lives in South Georgia...we are in the Atlanta area, thankfully four hours away! haha!) I can't understand why someone would make a comment like that....did he think he was being funny? Do they dislike you? What does your husband think of their behavior? I agree with the others that your husband needs to talk to them. I finally got my husband to see how his mother talked to me, and he said something to her. It worked somewhat...she kept her nasty comments until the two of us were alone together. Then one night, she made a unkind comment at the dinner table. My son, who was about 15 at the time jumped on her with both feet! (so to speak) She was stunned! Now she is careful around both my son and my husband, but I still have to deal with her comments when they are not around. Unfortunately, my best ally was my father in law, who died over 20 years ago. :(

I am begining to be accustomed to how families are here in the south, especially the older generations, (no offense to any of you who are from the south). I was born and raised in wisconsin, and up there, no one would ever even dream of giving an opinion so straight forward and rudely.It would be done respectively and "suggestively" My father in law is very self centered. He only cares about what suits his comfort. He even makes nasty comments to his own wife, that I think are totally inappropriate and uncalled for, but all she does it sit there and take his ****. (they are very old fashioned, she has no say in anything, and what he says goes, she waits hand and foot on him, not for once thinking about herself, and is almost afriad to give her own opinion....Just to give you an idea on how things are on that side of the family.) I talked to her about it, but she told me just to ignore him. Me and her have a pretty good relationship, but I do not care too much for my father in law. So i just ignore him, and so far, although it has only been a day, he has not made any more remarks :)

Wow, how rude! I agree your husband should handle it since it is his parents. If he won't it is probably best to try to just let their rude remarks roll right on off, hard as it is.

how rude, you should talk to your father in law not your husband so he knows how much he hurt your feelings and you could see his reaction when to tell him. go straight to the source your self. that's what i do when someone hurts my feelings. good luck,

I agree with LIz. They are you Husband's Parents, he needs to handle the issue and stand up for you his WIFE!!

Wow what insensitive pigs they are!! I cannot believe anyone would be that rude. I would avoid them like the plague. The last thing you need is someone trying to deflate your confidence. I would let hubby know in no uncertain terms that you will not be attending any more of his family's functions until they learn to grow up a bit.

You are doing so well! Keep it up for yourself, not for them.

I agree that your husband should be willing to tell them it was inappropriate and rude. In any case, remember that your FIL is the one with the problem, not you.

I'm sorry you had to go through such a humiliating experience.

Yes, your husband should be the one to straighten the old bugger out but if he can't or won't, it's up to you to do it! Hey, you're from Wisconsin where we tend to say exactly what we think, so go to it! Don't take any you-know-what from the ignorant fool.

In truth, his opinion of you should not matter one bit. And, maybe that is something that you can explain to him BUT he was rude and he was unrespectful and nobody should put up with that. So quit being hurt and get angry.

He may have his warped opinion but I truly hope you don't let him have a repeat performance. 30 pounds gone girl and if he can't see that its his loss. I hope your feeling better today.
Anna

Update: Things were running smoothly until last week friday....They were extremely rude. They pretty much told me and my hubby that we are not good parents, and we are not raising our child the right way, and he is growing up in a bad home by staying and living with us......I flat out freaked out and came unglued on them both after they said that. Now, i have avoided them like the plague, and I simply told them that if they want to see thier grandson, they can come over to our house and have visits. I also told them that the only way we are going to get along is if they respect mine and thier son's wishes on how we want our child to be raised, and they will not even attempt to tell us what to do with him.

I come from a family that has no grandparents to speak of. My mom's entire family disowned her. The reason was because I had a sister and 2 brothers die and they could not handle it. My dad's family just always made snide remarks. At a point in our life when we could not handle playing the little family games, we just walked away. I have never looked back. There are a couple times in my life that I have a pang of it would be nice to have grandparents, but then I remember how they were. It was one of the hardest things to do, to walk away, but my life and the life of my mom, dad, sisters, and all of our kids are better for not having them around.

I know this sounds cruel, but when people are cruel and do not want to lift you up, sometimes it is just better to walk away and get that kind of negativity out of your life.

I would never tell someone to not try to fix things, if it is possible you should, but I also think that it is detrimental to someone if you hang around just because they are family. I have always heard that blood is thicker than water, but so is toothpaste. If you need to chat or feel frustrated feel free to pm me.

Trish