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Can't Cope
Hi,
I am totally stressing out about my daughter. She was born deaf and because of having to interpret for her with sign language we have always been so very close. When her father left me I set up a new home with her and the closeness was even more special. We used to sit up every Saturday watching films, eating, drinking, me alcohol, her pop, and it was all lovely. Then when she was 11 I met a guy and we got married. For the first 18 months it was the three of us, and my daughter although she tried hard, she hated the fact it wsn't just her and me. I made allowances for her, made excuses for her, tried to make it all easier for her, and then I got sick. At the same time my husband's daughter moved in with us. Everything changed then, and I spent a lot of time in hospital. To cut it short, my daughter still felt left out. Her dad started seeing her more, he started spending lots of money on her, and the more she loved him it seemed the less she cared about me. Now she really seems to hate me. Yes she is a teenager and yes she is hormonal and all that, but she is totally rebelling. She won't do a thing I tell her to, everything is a constant argument. She is such hard work and all she keeps saying is well kick me out and I can go live with my dad. I am not going to give up on her, and he doesn't want her full time anyway, but I just don't know what to do. I try to make her feel special without hurting my step daughter in the process. But if my husband sees me favour Beth he gets angry at me. I love him to bits and I understand him not wanting me to favour either child, but I just don't know what I can do about Beth. Win her back as it were. Make her see that I really DO love her. This is stressing me out so much that I have broken out in severe acne (at 37) all over my face and head. I went to the doctors about it and she gave me some medicated shampoo/bodywash. It's not helping really, but then again the stress isn't going away either. Can anybody offer any advice that will keep everybody happy? PLEASE :?: Hugs, Ammi |
Blended families almost always come with challenges. Some can be worked out as a family .. I came from a blended family with a total of 5 children........2 children were Mom's 2 children were Dad's and then they had the 5th one! ;) There were challenges and jealousy between the kids but I can honestly say(not meaning to brag but to offer encouragement) we all turned out ok and have all been married to the same people for over 25 years!
When there is a second parent.it is common to want to go between them..........the other parent is the "escape"! Now years later I realize how blessed I was to have 2 Fathers who both loved me!(both are deceased now) Perhaps family couseling may help too. Good luck! |
Ammi, I just wanted to give you a big hug. :grouphug: I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I don't know what your health care is like there... is there any way you can get some help through therapy with your daughter? Do you have any community centres nearby that offer support groups, etc? Have you ever sat down for a "family meeting"? We do it every so often. It's something we learned from my daughter's therapist. We sit at the dining table with drinks/healthy snacks, plus a pen and paper for everyone. We all talk about stuff that's bothering us, and we also stress the things we like/love about each other. We each end up with a little list of things that we can do to improve our relationships. Sometimes there are tears, but there's always laughter, and we come away from the table knowing that we're loved. I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers, Ammi. :grouphug: |
Thank you for your response CIN, I live in hope that when my daughter is older she will realise I am not as bad as she thinks. Another problem is that I spoilt her. I used to do all the jobs in the house and my daughters only rule was to look after her room. Daren thinks that the girls should both help out in the house and sometimes even cook themselves a meal, so when his daughter moved in we gave the girls chores. We also had to make rules about eating in the kitchen etc because Daren's daughter is so messy she would wreck the living room etc, and bed times were more strictly stuck too, and all of that was/is a huge shock to my daughter. At her dad's she does nothing, gets taken places, never gets punished and gets bought whatever she asks for. I can't even begin to compete with that, and I can't drop all the rules at home either. I don't know about family counselling, it's bad enough telling a counsellor about any problems, but we would also need an interpreter for Beth, and the woman who I know would do the job is an ex friend of mine, and I know she would spread things around that she hears. I know she isn't allowed to and I would never be able to prove it, but she would still do it.
Anyway, thank you again for writing, Hugs, Ammi |
Ellis - I think I am afraid to sit down and ask both girls what they feel about life here. I don't know about my step daughter, but I know mine would just write what she tells me when I try to talk to her about things. She doesn't think she should have to do chores, she doesn't think she should be punished when she misbehaves, she thinks she shouldn't have a bed time, she shouldn't have to share her room, she should be able to go live with her dad. All things I can't change. I ask if she is ever happy here and to think of the good times, she says there aren't any. So I am at a loss. I might ask Daren what he thinks of having a family meeting and if he is all for it, we might just give it a go. Thank you for the suggestion, and for your prayers. I need them.
Big hugs, Ammi |
Hi Ammi
Sorry to hear about your rough time.......I have a 13 year old girl who is in grade 9..........she was 4 when her brother died and so not only was she stuck with two very sad parents I tried to make up for her loss by spoiling her........not so much materialistically..........but I was a doormat.....I never considered my wants or needs.......only hers.........and needless to say we got in some bad habits............by the time she was in grade 3 I wanted to get in my car and drive far far away..........she was so high maintenance.........anyhow grade 5,6,7,8 have each brought challenges of a different sort....I realized I was in trouble and that we had hit bottom in some ways....things had to change.....I made my kids my first priority.......I read some excellent books, I talked to them both but especially dd 13 about when I was pregnant with her, when she was born, the great parts, the challenging parts and most importantly I listened to her............I stopped working in the evenings so that I was there when she got home from school.........sometimes she didn't have anything to say to me at first, but she seemed so relieved that I was sitting on the couch waiting for her........I hug her lots, tell her I love her, praise the good, challenge the not so good, tell her I am not perfect but remind her I love her and am doing my best, sometimes I will make mistakes but I will try my hardest.........I let my kids know when I need some me time and by showing them that I am important too, it teaches them to always remember they are important...........I don't know............I don't have any answers for you, can only speak for myself.......but I know my dd13 loves when I lay with her, or crawling into my bed at the end of the night for a cuddle, or when I give her a squeeze when she walks into the kitchen for no reason, or tell her how much I like how she did her hair, or the outfit she put on............. hang in there ammi and let us know how things are going.......if you need an interpretor for therapy I am sure the health system has a list of people who understand confidentiality...........don't second guess yourself.........kids always complain when we change the rules, or demand more of them......at first........but eventually I think they actually like the structure and responsibility.....at least mine seem to! ((((((((((((((Ammi)))))))))))))))))))) |
Thank you Liz, I appreciate you taking the time to write about your experiences. I try the cuddling thing with my daughter, and taking an interest. If I ask her if she wants me to style her hair, or anything that could remotely bond us she says, what for? I tell her I love her, I ask for a kiss goodnight, and she just looks at me like I am thick. I don't know what I am going to do about it all, just take it each day as it comes. Having depression doesn't help because I find I lose patience too quickly. I start off being reasonable and calm and by the end of a session with her attitude etc I end up shouting, which is dumb considering she is deaf lol, and end up upstairs in tears.
Anyway I appreciate you trying to help, Hugs, Ammi |
Ammi, you know that I had big probs with my older son, :devil: we had family therapy and he had some on his own too. If you have a prob with the interpreter let your gp know that a different one will be needed and why. Could someone from her school help? or can she lip-read? I know its hard but therapy can work, there'll be lots of tears and outbursts, that was just from me! :o it did'nt help us, I have to accept that my son is a violent, vicious, nasty, anti-social thug, but there is a chance it will work for you.
You could go on one of those programmes where they have 'experts' to show you what to do! :lol: seriously though therapy might help, even if it helps you to cope with and handle your daughter. :grouphug: best wishes, sharon |
I'm HOH, and I wonder whether part of the problem isn't that you, your hubby, and your stepdaughter can have spoken conversations, while your daughter can't join them. I don't remember from your post whether your new family members sign. If you hubby thinks the two of you should not be favoring either child, wouldn't it be fair to ask him to sign?
As a HOH person, I know that sometimes we are sensitive when hearing people don't make the effort to include us in conversations. And, part of the problem is definitely teenage rebellion. New chores, less of mom's attention, more people in your daughter's living space... those things are a lot to cope with. Five years from now your daughter will appreciate you. Don't worry too much. |
Thank you Sharon for your reply, I am sorry that family therapy didn't help you and your family. I am not sure if it would help me and mine either. There is a shortage of sign language interpreters in the county, so it's not so easy to say I don't want this particular one. Also as the deaf community is small everybody knows everybody's business. It sucks. If I seriously thought therapy would help I wouldn't let anything stop me. For now I will stick to my own therapy and if that works I might give a second thought to going with the family.
TBJ333 - thank you for your input. My daughter has a cochlear implant and she lip reads well so I tend to forget that she might have some frustration from not being involved in conversations. She won't wear the processor of her implant at home, and I guess that made me think she isn't interested in what we are saying. How stupid am I not to realise that there must be some frustration there. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. So that, and normal teenage rebellion, hormones and all that, I guess my girl isn't as bad as I guess she could be. I will just try to keep my patience with her and let her know how much she is loved. As for my hubby and step daughter they have both picked up signing over the time we have been a family, but on the whole it's lip reading that is the main communication between them and her. Anyway thank you both for your replies, they have helped a lot. Hugs, Ammi |
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