[GonnaBminni]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here. I suffer from severe binge eating disorder. I say 'severe' because I spend the rest of the night crying as a result of being in pain. I've read books, talked to my friends...and none has helped.

My friends don't see me actually binge, because I do my eating before and after seeing them. My mom doesn't believe in the concept of "eating disorder", and thinks I'm "just a growing girl". Nobody witnesses my binges. I feel like I have nowhere to turn.

I haven't been "happy" in a long time. I spent about an hour crying last night, for the same obvious reasons.

I think I might be suffering from depression. Sometimes, I wake up and think, "if my death didn't affect others, I'd kill myself today". I don't go a single minute without thinking about food. When I walk in grocery stores, I have a strong urge to pull the unpurchased food from the shelves and jump all over it and stomp it into the ground.

I'd like to see my doctor, because I know I have a problem. But my doctor is no different than my mother, who again thinks I have no knowledge of eating disorders. I probably know more than her, because I've tried every diet from self-starvation to Atkins to Slimfast to Sugarbusters. I've recovered on my own from Bulimia in secrecy. I feel all alone. I can't join one of those weight support groups because I'm not exactly overweight. I binge and then starve myself the next day while doing 4 mile runs and weight training etc etc. I've managed to put on 10lbs in a month, but because i worked so hard in the past to lose weight, that doesn't put me in the overweight category quite yet. I'm hovering, though.

I don't want to wait until I cross the BMI border into "overweight" to get help. By then, I'll have more to lose, more pain to suffer, more anxiety and worst of all, more crying until 2-3am.

What should I do? All I want is someone to understand my pain and point me in the right direction. I need professional help. Knowing this, should i see my family doctor? What would she do for me, that cynical b*tch?

Any advice would do, thank you.

[marbleflys]

You can see your family doctor and ask her to refer you for counseling. You may not even need a referral for this, depending on your insurance coverage. I was required to contact my insurance co dir4ectly and ask for doctors in my area who accepted my plan. I found a wonder therapist who has helped me through a variety of problems. it took a few phone calls, and the price is nominal, my insurance pays 90%.

The important issue is that YOU recognise your behavior is not *normal* and feel the need to consult someone for advice to make YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF. Its not all about food, being borderline overweight, its about how you feel and what you NEED to make yourself feel better.

If you can't talk to Mom or feel uncomfortable with your family doc, start with your school counselor, they should be able to steer you to the right person who you would feel comfortable confiding in and keep your confidence.

we are here to offer support and a great big ear you can vent into. I hope this information is helpful to you.

[tlprocks]

Oh my goodness you sound like me about 10 years ago!!! You need to get help soon.. don't let it be too late, if you are thinking about hurting yourself it is probably depression, I agree with Marbleflys... you should talk to your school counsellor, he or she would probably know how to deal with people your age... And my mom was the same way.. it took a trip to the psychiatric hospital after i had the baby for her to realize that i wasnt ok... There are antidepressant medicines that can help you get on your way.. but you will still need counselling... Is there another doctor you could possibly see, my doctor was the same, so i went to emerg at the hospital.. they fixed me up .. well hope some of this helps... there are many other people out there feeling like you do, you are not alone.. even though you may feel like it right now!!! Take care!! ttfn

[ellis]

Oh, hon... sending you a big hug...
The girls are right... get some help right away. I suffered from depression (for different reasons) from the age of 12, and didn't get help until I was in my 30's. I still don't know how I survived. Don't let that happen to you!
If you don't like/trust your own doctor, can you go to a drop-in clinic near you? There are all kinds of people you can see who should be able to recommend you to some sort of counsellor/doctor.
We're here if you need us, sweetie... get some help, and hang in there, okay?

[Jennifer 3FC]

This is from a friend of mine that is a school counselor. She isn't registered on the forum, but she wrote this for you:

"You are very insightful for a young person. You do not have to be overweight to have an eating disorder, and the symptoms you describe are indicative of an eating disorder. Many people with eating disorders are also depressed.

I agree with the other posters who encourage you to seek out your school counselor (or nurse or even a trusted teacher). Perhaps a phone call from one of them to your mom might help her realize you could use some professional help. Parents are sometimes in denial because it's difficult for them to admit their child has a problem and are afraid counselors would judge them as not parenting well.

Does your school offer support groups? If they do, they are wonderful places to build your self-confidence and help you cope with life's bumps. You are not alone in your anguish. I am a school counselor and have seen many students with problems similar to yours. There is help out there, don't give up. Someone will listen to you and help you find a way out. You shouldn't have to beat this on your own. "

Good luck to you, and know that you are not alone.

[mauvaisroux]

I agree with everything everyone here said. I suffer from an anxiety disorder which I didn't admit to until I went on an all day crying jag, couldn't get out of bed and couldn't go to work for two days.

You are not alone in dealing with depression many people suffer from it.

Sending you a big hug and any time you need to talk just post in the forum this is a great place for support.

[GonnaBminni]

Thank you for all your support. Really, it made a big difference in how I feel. It saddens me that others have to go through what I go through, but knowing I'm not alone eases the pain a bit.

I did not binge yesterday, but I came close to binging today. I wanted to binge after breakfast, so I immediately left the house, even though I didn't have class until the afternoon. Then, after lunch, I wanted to binge but I bumped into my friend who made me study with her. I was tempted to binge about 1/2 hour ago, so I brushed my teeth. It's really not easy, because I feel so restless. I can't study these days because food has occupied my thoughts. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to do anything productive. I don't know if I can keep this "binge avoidance" up for the rest of my life.

I'm going to take your advice and see a counsellor on campus. I really am afraid to tell my mom again, because she'll just shoot me down, and I'll end up worst off.


Again, thanks so much for replying. I'll definitely post more often on this board.

[Leenie]

I think its wonderful that you are taking control. I'm with you, see your counsellor and avoid talking to people who will only put you down.

BRAVO !!!!!

[ellis]

Good for you, girl!! We're going to hold you to it, because we care about you...
I'm with Leenie... you're very wise to figure out so early that it's best to avoid speaking to people about it if they're only going to bring you down.
Keep posting, you're doing great!!

[Ruthxxx]

I'm sorry your Mom is not supportive. However, you can get lots of cyber Moms around here - and Grandmas too! I had to say that before Ellis made an age crack!

[marbleflys]

Making the decision of taking control of the situation will take away your fearfulness of what you "might" do or what "might" happen.....it will give you power over your behavior and a positive feeling....good luck!

[PURPLEPANSY]

What an intelligent girl you are to seek help now. I am 41 and have been bingeing since age 10. I've been heavier and thinner then I am now. I go through cycles. You are in college and that is a major stressor. You need support and you can find it here. Please post and keep us up to date on your success.
pm me anytime.. I am a great listener and even thou I am older than you I am in your shoes as we speak!!

[mauvaisroux]

There is also an eating disorder support group here at 3fc if you need to talk to others http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=64

[GonnaBminni]

I can't believe all the support you're all giving me. Thank you. I'm in tears, honestly.

I walked over to the counsellor's office. But I just stopped, and walked the other way. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know I need help, and I want it. But I just didn't go through with it. I don't know why I can't even control the movement of my body.

I tried not to binge, I really tried. But I did it again. I feel so agitated, and as I was binging, I was crying. I just looked at the food I consumed, and felt disgusted with myself. I had two orders of fried rice for dinner with three starbucks cookies for dessert. And that was ontop of my entire apple pie I had for breakfast and burger combo for lunch. I was writhing in pain. But I still managed to fit in another twix bar and two bananas. I wanted to take a fork and stab myself. Then I took my anger out on my mom. I apologized immediately after and locked myself in my room before I could do more damage. I'm a burden to my family, I know it.

I have a paper due tomorrow, but I haven't started. In all honesty, I haven't done my homework since March. I've just been sitting in my room writing, moping, crying, lying on the floor...

There are nights where I just lie beneath my desk for hours, not doing anything and reflecting on how useless I've become. But that doesn't motivate me to do anything. I only thing I accomplish is consuming lots of food.

I'm going to see my family doctor tomorrow. She'll have to help me. I don't think she can deny that I have problems. I can't even deny I have problems, no matter how hard I try.

[ellis]

GonnaBminni, there's nothing wrong with you at all. I'm so impressed that you actually made the effort to see your counsellor... that is HUGE!!
And the fact that you're sharing of yourself to us is huge, too. When I was 19, I would never have been able to "talk" to people the way you are with us. I would have just stayed under that desk and cried my heart out. Every bit of reaching out that you do will only make things easier for you.
You aren't a burden to your family. Whatever their actions seem to reveal, they love you. They just don't understand what's going on with you... that's so common in family circles. Mine were just the same, and I'll bet most of the girls here were in a similar situation.
You're not a burden to anyone... you just need help, hon.
When you see your doctor... if (worst case scenario here) she doesn't help you, see if you can do this...
Get a piece of paper and write down our names here. Keep it in your hand when you walk toward the counsellor's office, hold it tight, and remember that each one of us here is with you. We're right there with you, hear me?
We genuinely care about you... I'm continuing to keep you in my prayers, hon. Sending you lots of love and hugs and strength...