Leigh...

You are not alone, everything you have explained in your post sounds like me. Except the part about your mother. I have asthma and have been hospitalized probably pretty much my entire childhood. I’ve been placed on steroid nebulizer, inhaler this, inhaler that. I was a chubby kid. Kids made fun of me in school… I’ve been called tugboat, tub-o-lard, moose and so on. Of course I ate as a comfort as well, but the medicines didn’t help any AT ALL. That was the easy part in life. (sounds funny huh)

My mother. I love her to death, but she’s really ruthless. All my life I have had to live with my own mother telling me I’m nothing but a fat-a** and I need to lose weight or I’m gonna die before I get married. There are 6 children in my family, I was the second to youngest. Alll my sisters and my brother were skinny, fit, healthy…. Beautiful. I was the ugly duckling. My mother used to buy twinkies and other junk food and lock them up in her bedroom and would only give them to my sisters and brother and they would eat them right in front of me. I love my mother tho, she was only trying to do the right thing. She was verbally abusive always told me I was embarrassing myself when I walked next to her cause she was skinny and I was the size of two people.

When I was about 21 (give or take) I hit 300lbs. I’m 27 years old now and I weigh 368lbs. (Heh I gained 3 lbs over mothers day weekend – sigh). To this day, my mother has not changed. I live with my fiancé now… and she still tells me the same old stuff.

“Susan, you need to lose weight. You need to be around long enough to take care of your man. Susan you need to lose weight, you are embarrassing James when you walk to him. Susan you need to lose weight, James gonna leave you for some skinny beautiful woman. Susan you need to lose weight so your own kids can put their arms around you. Susan you need to lose weight or no one is ever going to love you. Susan you need to lose weight….”

I could go one, but you get my point. I was miserable my whole life because I never thought I was good enough. I tried all kinds of diets. When I was 14, I attempted suicide, swallowed some pills. Obviously that didn’t work because I’m still here. I’m glad tho. I’ve failed many many many times at trying to lose weight. I, like you, have said TODAY is the day. I’m TIRED of being fat. I get on the kick and like an light bulb it goes out. It never lasts long. I’m 27 years old and I still contemplate suicide, but I know I would never do it again, but I cannot say the ideas have not wandered into my mind again. I do have my bouts with depression, and it’s honestly been bad, an emotional roller-coaster.

I've even used the "I don't want to be a fat bride" trick to be my motivation. Unfortuantely that didn't work. I'm doing this for myself. That seems to be working. 13lbs can't be wrong? I just hope I can stick to it.

This forum is a wonderful place. It has showed me that everyone struggles just like I do. I may struggle a little more, but I can do it. I’ve lost 13lbs, unfortunately I gained 3lbs back, but I’m okie! I’ve gotten back on the program (or as April has taught me – OP) hehehe. I’ve made wonderful friends and gained tremendous support.

Leigh… you are not alone and if you ever need someone to talk to… I’ll send you my email in a PM.

Talking makes all the difference in the world, when you realize you are not the only one… your load somehow will feel lighter.

This group is definately a great place, as you have seen in your reply on this thread. ;)

With Warmest Hugs…
Sue…

WOW...Sue marie...isn't it strange how we can hear 99 great things about ourselves and 1 negative thing and that one thing will be what we latch on to???
I'm sure your mom only wants the best for you but she needs to tell you she's on your side,ask her what she has helped you accomplish with her way of relating with you in the weight issues.

Leigh...HONEY I KNEW IT!!!
When I read your post I knew you just needed to take one little positive step into a whole new way of doing and looking at things.
See you don't HAVE to have a gym, and I could tell you were looking at that whole scene as an obstacle holding you back.
Your husband walking with you is so great, look at it as you are both contributing to a healthy way of life, leave the word "diet " behind you, that word in itself can make your tummy wad up and make your little rebel inside you make evil plans.
Look at it as "this family is going to be healthy, and I am going to lead the way".
Get the junk out of your house and make it a healthy zone.
Get a good healthy foods cookbook from the library, and start making some small change every week.
On APRIL CHICKS we have done a water challenge and now I have presented a fruit challenge.

Whatever you find that works...stick with it, it takes 21 days to create a habit.
Good luck girl, you're on your way!!!
Ralphmarie (Diane)

Sue - Thank you for sharing with me. :) I can somewhat relate to what's going on with your mom. When we were growing up, my mom would NEVER have ANY kind of sweets or junk food in the house AT ALL. My siblings would whine about it and say it was because Leigh would eat it all. So I understand how that was. My mom also packed my lunch with turkey on whole wheat bread and carrot sticks, etc. which was so embarrassing because hardly anyone packed their lunch at my school. It was "cool" to buy the school lunch of pizza and sloppy joes etc. Only the "nerds" packed. And I have a beautiful, skinny older sister, so I was also an "ugly duckling". :( I have a younger brother (18) who is struggling with anorexia. My father is overweight and my mother is always on some kind of diet. So our whole family is a mess when it comes to food. Now that we're grown up and live 4 states away, my sister and I have gotten a lot closer. She has 2 kids and is now also somewhat overweight. She is only about 30 pounds overweight as opposed to my 140 pounds, but we can still relate to each other. We both feel like we are addicted to food. We just eat and eat for "no reason".

I don't know about you, but I have never in my entire life been "skinny". I was born at 10 pounds 8 ounces and I've been overweight ever since. Not EVER have I known what it feels like to be able to go to a mall and find my size in every store. I have never worn a bikini, or fit into anything at Victoria's Secret. But all of that is going to change. When I reach my goal weight, which will hopefully be by next summer, my husband and I are flying down to Miami, where I was born and I will walk on the beach in a bikini! Woo hoo! :) And thank you for your PM too. I will "use your shoulder to cry on" and you can do the same with me. hee hee :)

Diane- That is a great idea to throw out the word "diet". My husband doesn't have a problem with his weight but certainly could stand to eat healthier and excercise more. So we are saying that we are becoming healthy! :) Several posts have mentioned the "April Chicks" so I will be sure to check it out. I laughed so hard when you said "make your little rebel inside you make evil plans". lol That was so funny! And true! :) Well, I'm off to look up some healthy recipes. Anyone have a favorite?

RalphMarie – yeah I completely agree with you… I’ve had a lot of positives in my life, but it just seems like the negatives weigh me down. Especially coming from your own mother. It’s kinda strange, she says it that way, but then she always tells me how much she loves and what not. So I’ve chosen to zone out when she gets into one of her moods and starts picking on every negative thing she can think about. For the past, hmmm I think after I moved out, so say the past 7 years I’ve learned to just deal with it this way. In the end, I’m happy cause I know what I am and what I do, and she’s happy cause she, as a mother, is helping her “child”. (even if it is a bit warped LOL) My mother doesn’t speak very good English (she’s from Thailand) so as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to terms that she’s just more blunt when she speaks because English isn’t her native language. Goodness, at least that’s the excuse I give for her :^: But she’s certainly proud that I’ve lost some weight.

Leigh83 – You’re Welcome. ;) I have at one point been skinny. I think below the age of 7. I think around that time is when my asthma really took off on me though. I don’t ever remember being skinny unfortunately, but I have the pictures to prove I actually had a waistline :lol: My younger sister, Jennifer, is a bit heavier now. She tries all these medications and keeps telling me OOOH THEY WORK SO WELL. Yet she gains the weight back. For me, honestly, I’m scared to death of medications. You never know what sort of side effect they will have or what it can do to your body. Oh hey, before I go, have you checked out www.fitday.com ? It’s a great site that many of the ladies use on here. You can keep track of what you eat, calories eaten, this and that, and even has a journal. I never thought I would count calories, but I really like the site. I can keep track of myself this way. :) It’s pretty neat… give it a shot it’s free to.

Sue…
:moo:

Good golly, Leigh! You are on your way! :cp:

This is excellent news! :)

YAY!!!!!!!!

Leigh, when I read your 1st post, I wasn't feeling up to par so I didn't respond, but I immediately said a prayer for you and also asked that you be sent some girlfriends & love. Tonight, I am thrilled to read this!!! YAY!!! There's nothing greater than having a loving support system both online and in real life...That's the only thing that gets me through some days. Keep up the good work & keep us posted with the good news!! YAY!!!!!!!!

http://www.harrythecat.com/Smiley/a17.gif

Thats great Leigh,
The people on this site have the best advice and It is so nice to find out you're never alone.
No matter what kind of obstacle that pops up in front of you SOMEONE here has overcome it...and now they are willing to turn around and help anotha sista....or brotha...gotta include them too..there are some very nice guys here with us.

SueMarie...Tai women crack me up, I've known and worked with a few and they do tend to be very blunt...they may not know how to put it tactfully...but they are very straight to the point and honest..gotta love 'em.
Its great that you recognize it for what it is...her way...she will probably never change but you can, and you do know she cares about you and your health.

I'm sorry if I've said anything brash here, thats just my way....I pull no punches and tell it like it is...but I do want to see everyone succeed and be happy with themselves no matter the number on the scale.
Diane

Oh and I almost forgot....

About low fat recipes...I go to google.com and type in "low fat no fat recipes" and all kinds of stuff pops up.

And...your local library has ALL KINDS of eating healthy books...plans and recipes, also exercise books.

Thanks Noodles and Ralphmarie! :) I will do that search on google RM - Good Idea! Well, just popped in to let everyone know I'm still here, just been out walking a lot. :) YAY! Gotta go though, I'm heading out to go garage saling! Have a great day everyone!

Leigh

SALES = The Magic Word!!
 

Yer Welcome... :D

Garage Saling?!! **PERK** I wanna GO!!!!!!!!! I just loveeeeeeeeee a good garage/yard sale & swap meet & thrift stores!! It's the cheapskate in me. :lol:

Sounds like lots of great things have happened here! Way to go gang!

Eliz

Diane (Ralphmarie)

Yes, she’s blunt and to the point. She’s ruthless! Heheheh… She’s also the worlds greatest haggler. We never buy a car without her and when we do our swap meet shopping we go with her <G> You should see her living room. We have like hmmm… 3 hutches in the Dinning Room (what used to be the dinning room) and two full wall unit hutches in the formal living room…. Filled top to bottom with all her knick knacks and happy Buddhas and other things. When she goes out to China Town out here in LA everyone knows her. It’s funny. How come I didn’t inherit the Haggler trait? Hehehhe.

I’ll check out the google search engine as well :-) I have a Better Homes and Gardens “Healthy Cooking” Cd that I love, but could always use more variety.

Sue…

Diane (Ralphmarie)

Yes, she’s blunt and to the point. She’s ruthless! Heheheh… She’s also the worlds greatest haggler. We never buy a car without her and when we do our swap meet shopping we go with her <G> You should see her living room. We have like hmmm… 3 hutches in the Dinning Room (what used to be the dinning room) and two full wall unit hutches in the formal living room…. Filled top to bottom with all her knick knacks and happy Buddhas and other things. When she goes out to China Town out here in LA everyone knows her. It’s funny. How come I didn’t inherit the Haggler trait? Hehehhe.

I’ll check out the google search engine as well :-) I have a Better Homes and Gardens “Healthy Cooking” Cd that I love, but could always use more variety.

Sue…

Hmmm...sounds like my mother-in-laws house! Hee Hee :) Well, tomorrow I am off to W.L City Wide Garage Sales. I live in Central Ohio and here the towns are small enough that they all have city/community/village wide garage sales where the whole community has their garage sales on the same day. Hope the weather's nice tomorrow! I should gt my excercise in that's for sure! Have a great weekend everyone!

Leigh

Sue marie...

Man, I just had to read your last post out loud to my huband and we both totally CRACKED UP!!!!!!!
She's just too funny, wish I could borrow her for my next yard sale.

Leigh..I'm in Ohio too, southern OH and boo hoo it rained here ALL DAY, hope you fared better there but looked like it hit all over,
See how in the world could you be a "failure" when you can get all these great people together to talk and laugh with each other??

I sure wish I could meet all the great people I've talked with here.
Diane
Diane